13| Keeping the Sex Alive in Long-Term Relationships w/ Dr. Amy Muise

About Dr. Amy Muise: Dr. Amy Muise holds a PhD in Social Psychology and is a postdoctoral fellow in the Department of Psychology at the University of Toronto in Mississauga. Her research focuses on sexuality in the context of romantic relationships and in particular, on how people can maintain sexual desire and relationship satisfaction over […]

The post 13| Keeping the Sex Alive in Long-Term Relationships w/ Dr. Amy Muise appeared first on Men's Dating Mastery.

About Dr. Amy Muise:

Dr. Amy Muise holds a PhD in Social Psychology and is a postdoctoral fellow in the Department of Psychology at the University of Toronto in Mississauga. Her research focuses on sexuality in the context of romantic relationships and in particular, on how people can maintain sexual desire and relationship satisfaction over time.

The Highlights:

Communal relationships are those where both partners are motivated to meet each other’s needs without the expectation of direct reciprocation. They are distinctly different from exchange relationships which function more like a business transaction.
Communal relationships have shown to result in stronger relationship satisfaction as well as better sex and higher levels of sexual desire over the long-term.
To be successful, a communal relationships must be driven by an approach goal mindset vs. and avoidance goal mindset.
Approach goals are situation when a person is motivated to meet their partner’s needs in order to achieve a positive outcome as opposed to trying avoid a negative outcome which is avoidance goal.
Engaging in consensual non-monogamy can be an effective way for partners to meet their needs, if the relationship is based on a communal approach goal mindset.
Sexual desire tends to be higher early in the relationship due to higher levels of “self-expansion”, which declines with familiarity. Couples who engage in “self-expanding” activities have managed to keep relationship satisfaction and sexual desire high over the long-term.

Show Summary:

This episode is dedicated to keeping the sex alive in long-term relationships. The key, as Dr. Amy Muise explains, are communal relationships. Communal relationships are those in which both partners are motivated to meet each other’s needs without the expectation of direct reciprocation. This is necessarily different from exchange relationship in which partners give with the expectation of getting something in return and so are more like a business transaction.

In the context of sex, a relationship with high communal strength would mean that both partners are more willing to satisfy one another’s sexual needs. For instance, even if one partner is not in the mood, they may choose to engage in sex anyway, in order to satisfy their other partner’s needs. Research has found that this type of giving is beneficial not only for the receiving partner but also for the giver. Givers tend to feel more satisfied with the relationship, enjoy their sex life more and maintain higher levels of sexual desire over time.

Having a communal approach to relationships in and of itself is not enough, however. The motivation behind a partner’s giving behavior is integral to the relationship and sexual satisfaction ultimately experienced by the couple.  Motivation can be based on of two types of goals: 1) approach goals and 2) avoidance goals.

Approach goals are when a person has sex to pursue a positive outcome such as making their partner happy or increasing intimacy in a relationship. In contrast, avoidance goals are when a partner is trying avoid a negative outcome such as feelings of guilt or conflict. The former can increase satisfaction in a relationship while the latter may breed resentment. Communal relationships based on an approach goal mindset have even shown to be beneficial in relationships where partners have a chronic discrepancy in sexual desire.

In this episode we also explore the reasons for why sexual satisfaction tends to decline in long-term relationships as well as how the motivation for sex changes over time. One reason why sexual desire is high in a new relationship is because of a concept called “self-expansion” which is closely related to novelty. Early in the relationship, “self-expansion” is high because a new partner is helping you expand your sense of self and view of the world. This declines over time, as familiarity increases. However, by engaging in various “self-expanding” activities, some couples have found a way to keep their sexual spark alive over the long-term.

Advice:

Pay attention to and acknowledge your partner’s needs. Even if you do not meet them acknowledge it is more beneficial to the relationship over the long term then playing dumb or trying to avoid the situation. In addition, when engaging in sex, it is important to focus on the positive.

Resources:

Check out Dr. Amy Muise’s columns:

http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/sex-musings/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-passion-paradox

Contact Dr. Amy Muise:

www.amymuise.com

@AmyMuise

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Comments:

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The post 13| Keeping the Sex Alive in Long-Term Relationships w/ Dr. Amy Muise appeared first on Men's Dating Mastery.