Love unlimited: When it hurts too much to say

Most of us are guilty of this vice. When things hurt too much we cover our pain under a multitude of busy-ness. While this seems to be the easiest way out of confrontation, it is the reason why we fall apart, why our relationships are filled with poison.  How do we get over this challenge and still k When it hurts too much to share…

I have a confession to make: And this is something that has been haunting me all my dating and married years. It has been the source of most of my pains and hurts. I bleed and smile at the same time, and cover my tears with an assuring nod that I am alright. I am so diplomatic that it is almost impossible to notice the hurt inside me unless you are a master of observation.  I have successfully kept this weakness under covers of success, hard work, responsibilities and loving relationships for a very long time.

Now that the secret is about to come out, I would like to apologise to those whom I have left high and dry, wondering what went wrong.  I apologise to my spouse for the many times I have committed this crime when I was not supposed to do it.  I apologise to my relatives and friends who have not been spared the effects of my interesting behaviour. Okay here is my vile behaviour: SILENCE...

You got it right; silence.  I was taught very early that if I don’t have anything nice to say, it would be better for me to shut up – a lesson I learned so well. I have the potential to be outspoken and sometimes insensitive.  Sometimes it is so hard to balance between expressing myself justly or just whining, or being outright ridiculous!By “I” I mean “All spouses who swallow hurt and pain like warriors,” only to hurt themselves in the process. I am the diplomatic type and hate looking like the bad spouse who never shuts up or is always complaining. As a result, I have been ignored (and swallowed that pain), disrespected (swallowed that too), had my ego deflated (was hard to swallow but did it too) and used, (never said a word). I express my dissatisfaction and move on.

Here is the backlash: an explosive spouse. When I have had it all in, well covered and sealed the openings, pressure builds up inside and like a bomb I just explode like a bomb. The damage is often irreversible. I haul words and emotions only the Lord knows where they come from, talk nonstop like a rap star rant without pauses, pace up and down like a nervous mouse and the house becomes a hell hole.  No one can be saved from this backlash as it hits hard with an aim to make the other person to feel exactly how I feel; usually very nasty.  All my rants begin with “I am sorry I have to say this and do not interrupt me when I am talking…..”

By the time I am done the house feels cold, haunted and scary, and downright ugly. It is the worst place for me to be in at that time. Why because I just burned some bridges, tore and damaged some egos, made loved ones feel like trash, made some tears flow and worst of all, I cannot undo what I just said.

Was it worth it? absolutely not. There were better ways of addressing the hurt without converting it into a plague. I end creating chasms that I may never close and it haunts for days after. The pain and hurt I was going through are not worth the wounds I have caused on my loved ones. 
If only… If only I had taken the time to “avoid confrontation or disappointing my loved ones” If only I had said what I needed to say instead of “talking like a civilized married woman”  and “letting sleeping dogs lie”. If only…   

While relationships are a balance between emotional vulnerability and emotional strength, it often an acrobatic stance trying to balance these.  Communication - especially clear, timely and meaningful discussions go a long way in helping avoid the above scenarios.  It is often prudent to ‘strike the iron while it is still hot’ when it comes it matters of the heart.