Lit AF Relationships
230 episodes - English - Latest episode: 3 days ago -Lit AF podcast is your resource for healing and transforming attachment styles. Sarah Cohan is a relationship and communication coach. She helps folx end old relationship patterns like people-pleasing and codependency in order to show up confidently in secure relationships. It is possible to change your attachment style. Tune in to start healing today.
Website: [Sarahcohan.com](https://www.sarahcohan.com/)
Instagram: [@itsmesarahcohan](https://www.instagram.com/itsmesarahcohan/)
Email: [email protected]
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Episodes
154. How to Know if it's Time to End or if You’re Being Avoidant
April 24, 2024 17:15 - 17 minutes - 25.5 MBLit AF Relationships podcast is your resource for creating healthy relationships full of love, trust, safety, and support. Follow [Guest] on Instagram: Visit [Guest]’s website: Follow Lit AF on Instagram: @itsmesarahcohan.com Visit the Lit AF Website: https://www.sarahcohan.com/ Discovery call link: https://calendly.com/hello-3224/getting-to-secure-consult-call
153. Healing the anxious preoccupied attachment style and dating
April 17, 2024 17:15 - 53 minutes - 76.1 MBLit AF Relationships podcast is your resource for creating healthy relationships full of love, trust, safety, and support. Follow Anna Lum on Instagram: @anna.cutz Follow Lit AF on Instagram: @itsmesarahcohan.com Visit the Lit AF Website: https://www.sarahcohan.com/ Discovery call link: https://calendly.com/hello-3224/getting-to-secure-consult-call Resources Discussed: Do the work podcast with Sabrina Zohar
152. How perfectionism is hurting your relationships
April 03, 2024 17:15 - 23 minutes - 34.6 MBLit AF Relationships podcast is your resource for creating healthy relationships full of love, trust, safety, and support. Follow [Guest] on Instagram: Visit [Guest]’s website: Follow Lit AF on Instagram: @itsmesarahcohan.com Visit the Lit AF Website: https://www.sarahcohan.com/ Discovery call link: https://calendly.com/hello-3224/getting-to-secure-consult-call Resources Discussed: Definition of perfectionism according to Brenee Brown - Perfectionism for dismissive avoidants and f...
151. Where People Get Attachment Styles Wrong
March 27, 2024 17:15 - 16 minutes - 25.8 MBLit AF Relationships podcast is your resource for creating healthy relationships full of love, trust, safety, and support. In this podcast episode, we delve into a common misconception about attachment styles that many people get wrong. When individuals discover their attachment style, they often believe they must first heal it to achieve secure attachment before entering a relationship. For dismissive-avoidant individuals, this stems from a fear of being a burden to others. For anxious pr...
150. Breaking down attachment styles on Love is Blind
March 20, 2024 17:15 - 37 minutes - 51.1 MBLit AF Relationships podcast is your resource for creating healthy relationships full of love, trust, safety, and support. In today’s episode, I delve into attachment styles using the Netflix show Love Is Blind Season 6 as a case study. I analyze the attachment patterns exhibited by each couple, highlighting both insecure and secure behaviors. This season was a delightful blend of sweetness and intensity, especially captivating when viewed through the lens of attachment theory. Reality TV ...
149. Why You’re Worried You’re Going To Hurt Someone If You’re Honest
March 13, 2024 17:15 - 22 minutes - 33.4 MBLit AF Relationships podcast is your resource for creating healthy relationships full of love, trust, safety, and support. Are afraid you’re going to hurt someone when you’re honest about your feelings? Do you have unresolved issues causing you to hurt people you care about? Are you worried your feelings will be hurt if you share honestly? These are very common fears for the different attachment styles. In this episode, I explain why the different attachment types have this fear including...
148. How to know when you’re people-pleasing or just being a good human
March 06, 2024 17:15 - 17 minutes - 25.8 MBLit AF Relationships podcast is your resource for creating healthy relationships full of love, trust, safety, and support. In this week’s episode I talk about the difference between people pleasing and just being a good human. It’s a very fine line which I thought it was important to talk about. I start the episode with a few examples of what people pleasing looks like and why the different attachment styles do it. I share why the anxious preoccupied attachment style and the fearful avoida...
147. Sneaky signs that you’re feeling unworthy in your dating life
February 28, 2024 17:15 - 17 minutes - 25.9 MBOn today’s episode of Lit AF Relationships I share a few sneaky signs that you're feeling unworthy in your dating life. Are you not swiping right because you think they’re better than you? Are you going with the flow instead of sharing your real needs or desires because you’re afraid they will leave? Are you compromising too much? Have you given up on dating entirely because it’s too overwhelming to be faced with the feeling of unworthiness? In this episode, I share why you’re feeling this w...
146. Closing the female orgasm gap with Vanillacooldance founder Jessica Stahl
February 21, 2024 17:15 - 50 minutes - 71.2 MBOn today’s episode, I talked with the founder and artist behind one of my favorite instagram accounts, Vanillacooldance. Jessica Stahl draws cartoons to empower women in dating and in the bedroom. Jessica is here to help remove the shame and stigma from getting kinky in the bedroom. I really love how Vanillacooldance shares so vulnerably about embarrassing dating moments or sexy time and Jessica is the exact same way. We talk about female pleasure and why it’s such a taboo topic. We also ...
145. The anxious / Avoidant Relationship Dynamic
February 14, 2024 17:15 - 16 minutes - 25.2 MBWhy are they pulling away? Why are they trying to trap me? Follow [Guest] on Instagram: Visit [Guest]’s website: Follow Lit AF on Instagram: @itsmesarahcohan.com Visit the Lit AF Website: https://www.sarahcohan.com/ Discovery call link: https://calendly.com/hello-3224/getting-to-secure-consult-call
144. Commons patterns that are holding you back in relationships with Liz Walsh
February 07, 2024 17:15 - 1 hour - 86.5 MBThis episode re-airs a recent interview I did on Of The Essence with Liz. We chat about how I got into attachment coaching, how I healed my fearful avoidant attached style and have created earned secure attachment. We also cover how attachment styles are formed and how they change over time. Liz is very brave and vulnerable and shares about how her attachment style has changed over time. I also go into each of the Attachment styles - secure, dismissive avoidant, anxious preoccupied & disor...
143. New years resolutions got you down?
January 31, 2024 17:15 - 18 minutes - 27.4 MBHave you fallen off your New Years resolutions? Me too. Well, I’ve just stopped setting them because I realized I was setting myself up for failure each year, which is why I wanted to record this episode. New Year's resolutions are tough. They rely on willpower which will motivate us for a short amount of time. But eventually, we’ll start snoozing that alarm clock, make excuses to skip the gym after work, and comfort eat a pint of ice cream. In this episode, I explain why it’s so hard to mak...
142. Are you dating a guilty pleasure
January 24, 2024 17:15 - 16 minutes - 25.1 MBSometimes it’s really hard to say no to dating, hooking up, or getting over someone. You might know exactly how they’re not the right person or their not supporting you in the way that you need but you keep coming back for more. In this episode I talk about why it’s so hard to end it. I also share what’s happening at the subconscious level that keeps you coming back for more. I definitely cover why guilt and shame are making it all worse and maybe even keeping you stuck. As always, I finish ...
141. Why chaos is intoxicating to the fearful avoidant
January 17, 2024 17:15 - 29 minutes - 42.1 MBOn today’s podcast, I talk about why the fearful avoidant attachment style loves chaos. The fearful-avoidant attachment type grew up in chaos. As an adult they tend to seek out chaotic situations like an unhealthy or toxic work environment, getting into credit card debt, or dating someone reckless. In the episode, I talk about why they seek out situations like this. I then go into how the fearful-avoidant eventually reacts to chaotic situations with an intense need to control the situation. ...
140. Dating and spirituality with the Modern Medium
January 10, 2024 17:15 - 58 minutes - 82.2 MBOn today’s podcast I talk with Alexandra Shelly, the Modern Medium. She’s passionate about infusing her joy, spirited humor, and creativity into fundamental practices learned by her mentor and world-renowned psychic mediums, in order to create a practice that is uniquely hers. We talk about two topics, being single and spirituality. She shares what has helped her explore her own pleasure and satisfaction in her single life as well as some light and easy spiritual practices. We explore contro...
139. Sex, intimacy, and attachment styles with Shelby Avann
December 13, 2023 17:15 - 48 minutes - 68.1 MBToday on the podcast Shelby Avann and I talk about sex, intimacy, and the different attachment styles. This is a juicy convo and Shelby explains the different patterns that each attachment style experiences in the bedroom including anxious preoccupied, fearful avoidant, dismissive avoidant, and secure attachment. She shares a few communication tips to ensure you’re getting and giving consent and getting your sexual needs met. Sex, pleasure, and giving and receiving are such an important part...
138. Are you worried you’re never going to find someone to be with?
December 06, 2023 17:15 - 26 minutes - 39.2 MBAre you worried you’re never going to find someone to be with? This is such a common thought for people who are dating, newly single, or scared to break up with someone they are not happy with. If this is you, I have so much compassion for you. This is a totally normal fear that the majority of the planet has bought into at a certain point in their lifetime. In this episode, I break down what happens when you believe this thought and how this can cost you alot of bad dates. Then, I share the...
137. Client stories - Creating earned secure attachment after heartbreak
November 29, 2023 17:15 - 55 minutes - 78.1 MBOn today’s episode of Lit AF Relationships, Anna Lum shares her story about creating secure attachment after a breakup. She shares how she healed her anxious preoccupied attachment style that was triggered in her last relationship. She talks about the steps she took to heal her attachment style and how she is sharing needs, processing emotions, and communicating boundaries. We go deep about the particular day when she start communicating boundaries without any resistance and how she develope...
136. Ending old anxious relationship patterns with Chelsea Riffe
November 15, 2023 17:15 - 1 hour - 107 MBFor today’s episode I’m re-airing a recent In My Non-Expert Opinion podcast episode with me as a guest. Chelsea Riffe hosts the podcast and she shares how she healed her anxious attachment in her dating life. We cover all things attachment on this episode including a deep dive into all the attachment styles including anxious preoccupied, dismissive avoidant, fearful avoidant, and secure attachment. We discuss the common anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic and what to do when you find your...
135. Suffering from chronic guilt or shame? Here’s how to stop.
November 08, 2023 17:15 - 16 minutes - 24.3 MBIn this episode I talk about how to overcome chronic feelings of guilt and shame. First of all, if this is you, I want you to know that this is so common. Both fearful avoidants and dismissive avoidants often tend towards feelings of guilt and shame. I share a few examples of how you can catch this habit, it might be showing up in a sneaky way you don’t even realize. I then finish the episode with two easy tools to use to start moving towards compassion for yourself. The second tool is one o...
134. Are you fantasizing about your ex? Here’s how to stop.
November 01, 2023 17:15 - 18 minutes - 27.3 MBAre you spending alot of time fantasizing about your ex? Do you wish they would call or you could get back together? Are you the one that did the breaking up and you’re still thinking about them? It might be surprising to hear that this is actually common. In this episode I share a few sneaky ways your brain might be fantasizing about your ex without you even realizing it, hello Instagram stories! The good news is that your brain is both really smart and also really simple. You’ll learn a fe...
133. Atomic habits for healing your attachment style
October 25, 2023 17:15 - 26 minutes - 38.6 MBOn today’s episode, I share what the 1% better habit that each attachment type can take today to see massive results created in a year. This episode is based on the concept of 1% better from James Clear’s book, Atomic Habits. In this chart-topping book Clear writes that, "Improving by 1% isn’t particularly notable, sometimes it isn’t even noticeable, but it can be far more meaningful – especially in the long run." Inspired by this concept I share what each attachment type can do today to be ...
132. Scripts to ask for what you need from a loved one without feeling like a burden
October 18, 2023 17:15 - 25 minutes - 37.4 MBIn this episode I share scripts to use when you are asking a loved one to meet a need without a feeling like a burden. Asking for a need to be met can be really hard. But part of becoming more secure means sharing vulnerably about how you’re feeling and asking your loved one for support. In this episode I share why it’s important to ask for your needs to be met and what repair means. I explain how to use the five languages not as a ranking system but as a quick reference point to figure out ...
131. It is possible to change your attachment style
October 11, 2023 17:15 - 24 minutes - 34.8 MBIs it possible to change your attachment style is one of the most common questions about the attachment system. In today’s episode I share the truth that yes, it is possible to change your attachment style. It can be a little confusing at first what behavior is associated with earned secure. I share a few behavioral patterns that show you are on the right track towards healing your attachment style. And I share my number one tip for starting to heal your attachment style. Listen to find out!...
130. Perfectionism in dating and relationships
October 04, 2023 17:15 - 24 minutes - 35.1 MBIn this episode of Lit AF Relationships I share about how perfectionism shows up in dating and in relationships. This episode is a really personal share because I talk about the belief I held in the beginning of my marriage that fights and arguments were a sign that we weren’t meant to be together. I often ruminated about divorce. Sometimes it still comes up. But I share a few tools of how to notice and address perfectionism when you scrolling on the dating apps or in a relationship with som...
129. What secure attachment actually looks like
September 27, 2023 17:15 - 29 minutes - 41.8 MBOn today’s episode I explore what secure attachment actually looks like. I had some pretty interesting misconceptions about how secure folx showed up in relationships and I hilariously share them with you today. I also talk about what it’s like to date someone with secure attachment. It can be pretty strange and your nervous system might not be used to it. You might be wondering why you don’t have those butterflies in your stomach when you’re around someone secure. I also talk about what it’...
128. Afraid to show up fully because your partner might leave?
September 20, 2023 17:15 - 34 minutes - 48 MBOn today’s episode I talk about the patterns behind the anxious preoccupied attachment style. Our attachment styles show us how we relate to others and what strategies we use to keep ourselves safe in relationships. It is possible to change your attachment style. And it’s also possible to help your partner become more secure by showing up securely in the relationship. In this episode, I share the common patterns that the anxious preoccupied experiences. I also share how you can help them sho...
127. Feeling like your partner is always defensive? Here’s why…
September 13, 2023 17:15 - 36 minutes - 52.1 MBOn today’s episode I talk about the patterns behind why you’re partner gets defensive. The reason they get defensive is because of their attachment style. Our attachment styles show us how we related to others and what strategies we use to keep ourselves safe in relationships. It is possible to change your attachment style. And it’s also possible to help your partner become more secure by showing up securely in the relationship. In this episode I share about the common patterns that dismissi...
126. Are you afraid that your partner is not faithful?
September 06, 2023 17:15 - 24 minutes - 35.1 MBThis week on Lit AF I share common relationship patterns for the fearful avoidant attachment type. Attachment styles help us understand common relationship patterns that keep repeating. You might think that breaking up with someone will fix the problems only to get into a new relationship with the same issues. I’ve totally been there. It’s confusing and super annoying. But understanding your attachment style can help you create new strategies to relate to people confidently and honestly. Tru...
125. How to hack your life if you’re feeling lonely or going through a breakup
August 30, 2023 17:15 - 20 minutes - 48.6 MBOn this week’s episode I break down how to hack your life if you’re feeling lonely or going through a breakup. Let’s be real, breakups suck and loneliness can really consume your life. But there are some easy ways to trick your brain into getting your core needs met so you feel like you’re still receiving the benefits of a romantic partner or relationship. The amazing thing with this work is that your meeting your needs on your own. These hacks will also help you heal from a breakup faster. ...
124. Why I don’t love the book Attached
August 23, 2023 17:15 - 22 minutes - 52.9 MBOn today’s episode I talk about my issues with the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller. I should start by saying I do think there are some positives about this book. But when I first opened it years ago I was very triggered by it and it took me a while to pick it back up. I share about why the book was triggering to me and some of its big misses. I believe its written quite well for one specific attachment style and leaves out the others. Listen today to learn more about why ...
123. Working with the body to heal your attachment
August 16, 2023 17:15 - 15 minutes - 36.8 MBOn this week’s episode I share why working with the body is important to healing your attachment style. The body is a great temperature gauge for what is going on in our brain. Feeling emotions is a uniquely human experience. And most insecure attachment types work really hard to avoid emotions as much as possible. In this episode I share how to start to get in touch with your emotions and build a language to describe them in your body. As with all things healing it’s not easy and it can be ...
122. Spirituality and its important role in healing attachment
August 02, 2023 17:15 - 25 minutes - 36.5 MBOn this week’s episode I talk about the important role of spirituality in healing your attachment style. In this episode I share about the difference between religion and spirituality. I define ways to connect with your spiritual practice. And I encourage you to make your spiritual practice uniquely yours. There are many benefits to a spiritual practice including tapping into an infinite resource of love, support, and connection. I then share about my own spiritual practice and the many diff...
121. Breakdown of attachment in The Ultimatum: Queer Love
July 26, 2023 17:15 - 34 minutes - 81.5 MBOn today’s episode I examine the different attachment styles that play out in Ultimatum: Queer Love on Netflix. I evaluate each of the attachment styles of the characters in the show and explain the mechanics of their relationships at play. It’s fun. It’s spicy. And watching the relationships in the show helps us understand each of the attachment styles in a deeper way. I finish by talking about the overall premise of the show and whether or not ultimates actually work. Follow Lit AF on In...
120. Attachment styles and money
July 19, 2023 13:30 - 31 minutes - 43.1 MBToday on the show I talk about the relationship between money and attachment styles. I share how each attachment style relates to money. Whether your fearful avoidant, anxious preoccupied, dismissive avoidant, or secure you definitely have a relationship to money. Attachment is one of the many influencies and factors on your relationship to money. I share why money is such an intense and difficult topic and a few resources to start healing your relationship to it. Do you want to create secu...
119. Have you sworn off dating? Let’s talk about it.
July 12, 2023 17:15 - 28 minutes - 39.9 MBIn today’s episode I talk about why you have sworn off dating. I go into each of the attachment styles anxious preoccupied, dismissive avoidant, fearful avoidant, and secure to talk about how each of them arrive to this important stage of healing. Believe it or not swearing off dating is a huge part of healing. I just don’t want you to get stuck on this stage. I finish the episode sharing a few tips about how to start to think about dating again and approach online dating in a secure way inc...
118. Client Stories - Healing the anxious preoccupied attachment style with Chelsea Riffe
July 05, 2023 17:15 - 55 minutes - 76.5 MBOn today’s episode I talk with my recent client, Chelsea Riffe, about healing her anxious attachment style. We talk about her journey to secure attachment where she is now practicing understanding and meeting her needs on a daily basis. We cover so many topics including how to approach fear of rejection, ending relationships that aren’t the right fit quicker, overcoming the feeling of being too much, scripts for having hard conversations, sharing expectations in situationships and casual rel...
117. How to show up as your true self on dates
June 28, 2023 17:15 - 30 minutes - 43.5 MBShowing up authentically on a date can be difficult, especially if you tend to people please or have an insecure attachment type. On this episode, I share a few tips to get into a secure mindset before you go on a date. I include tips for anxious preoccupied, dismissive avoidant, and fearful avoidant attachment styles. This takes practice and I encourage you to take baby steps. But there are huge rewards to being yourself and showing up authentically on dates. Follow Lit AF on Instagram: @...
116. The anxious avoidant trap explained
June 21, 2023 18:15 - 19 minutes - 27 MBToday on the podcast I talk about the anxious avoidant trap. I answer the question, “Do you think people in an Anxious / Avoidant relationship can work with time and patience or are they incompatible? I keep going back and forth on if I just need time and to completely heal, or if I need to find someone who will work with my anxious attachment style.” I explain why these attachment types tend to end up in relationships with each other. I also talk about how you can become secure in a relatio...
115. Do I need to be in a relationship to develop secure attachment?
June 07, 2023 17:15 - 23 minutes - 33.8 MBOn this week’s episode I answer the question, “Do you think you can only earn secure in the context of relationships? In other words, even if you’ve done tons of work, can you be certain you’re (mostly) healed without testing it in a relationship?”. I get this question alot in different forms, do I need to be single to heal my attachment style, do I need to be in a relationship to heal my attachment style, or what’s better? In this episode, I share the benefits of healing your attachment s...
114. Attachment styles in poly and nonmonogamous relationships with Jessica Fern
May 31, 2023 17:15 - 52 minutes - 72.9 MBIn this episode, I interview Jessica Fern author of Polysecure. I really wanted to have her on the show because this book is an amazing resource about attachment for both monogamous and nonmonogamous relationships. We discuss all things attachment including external environmental factors that affect our attachment style, our attachment with mother earth, and how to heal your attachment in a relationship or multiple relationships. She shares about how different attachment types including an...
113. Signs your relationship is fizzling and what to do about it
May 24, 2023 17:15 - 20 minutes - 29.3 MBFizzling is when someone you’re talking to online or have been on a date with puts the brakes on communicating with you. They don’t completely ghost you but the conversation starts slowing down like a car running out of gas. In this episode I share common signs that your situationship or relationship is fizzling. I explain why ghosting and fizzling are common dismissive avoidant behaviors. And then I share how you can prevent this behavior from happening. If you’re interested in working wit...
112. How to deal with distrust in a relationship
May 17, 2023 17:15 - 17 minutes - 25.1 MBIn this episode I answer a listener’s question that is struggling with distrust in their relationship. Their dismissive avoidant partner has a habit of lying and she is triggered by his behavior. This episode is particularly great for anxious preoccupieds and fearful avoidants that struggle with hypervigilance. I explain how to handle the triggering emotions that come up and then I share tips on how to ask for her needs to be met in relationship. I finish with some extra bonus secure advice ...
111. How to heal your attachment style
May 10, 2023 17:15 - 36 minutes - 51 MBIn today’s episode I share how I healed my fearful avoidant attachment type. The fearful avoidant attachment style flip flops between anxious preoccupied and dismissive avoidant so there are some good strategies in here no matter which side of the attachment spectrum you’re on. I go over how I originally heard about attachment style, what program I used to start healing, and the incredible changes I’ve made in my life because of my earned secure attachment. If you’re interested in working ...
110. How to communicate on dating apps when you’re anxious
May 03, 2023 17:15 - 28 minutes - 40.4 MBAre you communicating on the dating apps and feeling anxious? In this episode I share a few tips on how to communicate on dating apps when you have an anxious preoccupied attachment style. This episode is also for you if you are fearful avoidant that leans anxious. I share how anxious preoccupied people tend to show up on dating apps and how to slow down in your communication. Additionally I review how to understand your needs and practice meetin them on your own. And I finish with absolute ...
109. Struggling with a breakup? Here’s how to move on
April 26, 2023 17:15 - 35 minutes - 48.4 MBBreakups can trigger your attachment system which makes them especially painful to navigate. In this episode I review how each of the different attachment styles handle a breakup including anxious preoccupied, fearful avoidant, and dimssive avoidant. I share four tips to help you heal from the breakfup whether you did the breaking up or you were broken up with. I finish the episode answering questions I received recently about breakups including why does my ex need no contact and when can I...
108: Getting too excited or overwhelmed about dating a new person? Here’s how to regulate your nervous system
April 19, 2023 17:15 - 28 minutes - 65.2 MBAre you dating someone new and getting too excited or overwhelmed about it? You’re not alone! This is so common for anxious preoccupied, dismissive avoidant, and fearful avoidant attachment types. In this episode, I explain how the different attachment styles are activated when dating someone new.I break down how to regulate your own nervous system for each attachment type so you can get back to a secure mindset. Good for you for putting yourself out there and dating! It’s really brave to pu...
107. “I’ve been going to therapy for years and nothing has changed” - how to move forward
April 12, 2023 17:15 - 29 minutes - 54.8 MBSo you’ve been going to therapy for years and you’re not seeing any changes? I get it. I went to therapy for about four years and I didn’t see much drastic change. In this episode I talk about the difference between therapy and coaching. I also share how healing your attachment style helps you show up more authentically in therapy. And last I share how to use coaching and therapy together to heal past trauma and show up securely in your relationships. Follow Lit AF on Instagram: @itsmesarah...
106. Myths about dating: “My city is the worst”
April 05, 2023 17:30 - 24 minutes - 33.9 MBAre you doing dating math around dating in your city? Do you think your city is in fact the worst city to date? Do you live in Los Angeles, New York, San Francisco, Seattle, London, Paris, or Chicago? When you’re thinking this you are actually in lack mentality. And I hate to say it but it’s not possible for all of these cities to be the worst. The truth is dating is just hard. In this episode I share a few reasons why people buy into this myth and what you can do to overcome it. Good luck o...
105. Stay or breakup? Should you break up with them, or actually express your desires?
March 29, 2023 18:15 - 37 minutes - 51.4 MBAre you ruminating about breaking up with your partner? If breaking up with your partner is your go-to reaction whenever there is conflict in your relationships this episode is for you! This is a very common habit for dismissive avoidants. I know because I used to struggle with this. In this episode, I share why dismissive avoidants are always thinking about breaking up as the solution to conflict. Then I share two simple solutions to end it. This is good information for an anxious preoccupi...