Seek and Find (Yourself)

I want to be mourned, in my death, a la Donny in the film The Big Lebowski.  
I told James to put my ashes in a coffee can, then, this is the important part (!): 
feed my ashes, (some) of it, to Max.   That would be my ideal funeral. 

I wanted to answer the difficult questions about myself. One of them was to write my own eulogy. And I couldn’t do it.  Not because the idea of death saddened me, but because I had nothing to write about. 

I became christian, I wanted to do good, felt like a fraud, the end. *

The footnote to my eulogy would include: 

*“This broad, missed out on all the fun, died as a christian, hoping, maybe that her fraudulent life might, possibly, maybe get her to heaven.”

 I just really wanted to avoid hell, more so than having a tea party with Jesus.
The idea of christian heaven never appealed to me. Secretly I wondered,  do I really want to spend eternity tethered to Jesus and god?
I couldn’t even stay married for the rest of this life. 

So I stepped out, because the question of “what if” was bigger, much bigger than my desire to go to a christian heaven. There came a time when my life wasn’t good enough, heaven wasn’t good enough. 

Today when I think about that question, (about my eulogy), it’s irrelevant. 
I only have today to do my best. I just have to make that decision every day and then, go play in, and with, the universe. 

Have you captured this feeling, my friend? 

Music: Dreamville by Reaktor