The Eternal Quarter-Finalists

Episode 150

I rip open the festering wound that is England's footballing history. If you're an England fan, you're well-acquainted with the gut-wrenching cycle of hope, hype, and inevitable heartbreak. This show is for you, the masochists who get up at 4 AM to watch yet another uninspiring performance, only to ask yourself, "Why do I do this to myself?"

The Nightmare Begins: Mexico '86

Let's start with Mexico '86. Diego Maradona and his "Hand of God." Are you kidding me? That wasn't just a handball; it was a slap in the face to every England fan who dared to dream. We had Lineker, we had hopes, and then we had a middle finger from the football gods. It's like being promised a brand-new Ferrari and getting a rusted-out Fiat instead. And we took it. We took it like chumps, crying into our pints, and still saying, "Next time, we'll get them."

Italia '90: Gazza's Tears and Our Collective Breakdown

Fast forward to Italia '90. We thought we had it. Gazza was on fire, and the nation was united in its optimism. Cue the waterworks. Gazza's tears became our tears. Penalties against Germany? Why not just march us to the guillotine and be done with it? Stuart Pearce and Chris Waddle's misses are seared into our brains like traumatic childhood memories. Yet, we wore those scars with pride, saying, "It's coming home," even though deep down, we knew it probably wasn't.

Euro '96: Football's Coming Home... to Disappointment

Euro '96. Ah, the home soil advantage. The sweet promise of redemption. "Football's coming home," we sang. And for a moment, it felt like it might. Until it didn't. Gareth Southgate—now our managerial savior—missed that crucial penalty. The air was sucked out of Wembley, and with it, our dreams. We had been the life of the party, only to be shown the door at the stroke of midnight.

The 21st Century: A New Millennium, Same Old Disappointment

The 2000s brought no respite. World Cup 2002 saw us dumped out by a Ronaldinho lob that seemed more like a cosmic joke than a legitimate goal. Euro 2004? Rooney's metatarsal shattered our hopes. World Cup 2006? Portugal again, and this time, Rooney's red card added insult to injury. It's as if the football gods delight in our suffering, throwing obstacles our way just to watch us squirm.

Recent Years: Rinse and Repeat

And now, we arrive at the latest chapter in our saga of sorrow: Denmark, 2024. We started strong, but like clockwork, the wheels fell off. Another tournament, another unfulfilled promise. It's like Groundhog Day, but with more swearing and fewer laughs. The hope that kills you has become our unofficial motto. We've mastered the art of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

Why We Keep Coming Back

So why do we do it? Why do we put ourselves through this relentless cycle of pain? Because we're England fans. We're addicted to the agony, the fleeting moments of joy, and the eternal hope that one day, just maybe, it'll be our turn. We're the Charlie Browns of the football world, always believing Lucy won't pull the football away this time.

So, grab your beverage of choice—tea, beer, or something stronger—and join me as we navigate the rollercoaster of emotions that is being an England fan. Because if there's one thing we know how to do well, it's to keep believing, no matter how many times we get kicked in the teeth.

Music: 
Kasabian : Underdog
Black Pumas : Old Man

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