Centenarian Cock.

Episode 148

100-year-old World War II veteran, Harold Terens, and his sprightly 96-year-old bride, Jeanne, tying the knot in Normandy. Yes, you read that correctly. With a combined age of 196, these two lovebirds have decided to spend their twilight years not in a serene retirement home, but in the throes of wedded bliss. Harold, who once stormed the beaches of Normandy and witnessed horrors beyond imagination, is now facing a new kind of challenge: revisiting hell on his wedding night.

The setting is the Élysée Palace in Paris, where Harold and Jeanne have somehow stumbled into a state banquet honoring President Joe Biden. While most of us would be thrilled to avoid family dinners with our in-laws, these two have managed to crash a party with the leader of the free world. Imagine the scene: Biden, who’s barely younger than Harold, is making small talk with the newlyweds while trying to remember what year it is.

"Love isn't just for young people," Harold croaks, his dentures almost making a bid for freedom. Jeanne, beaming beside him, squeezes his hand with surprising strength for someone who probably remembers the invention of the telephone.

As the evening progresses, the happy couple steals the spotlight. Forget the lavish banquet or the presidential presence – everyone’s eyes are on Harold and Jeanne, who are undoubtedly the oldest newlyweds in the room, if not the world. There’s something beautifully grotesque about seeing these centenarians bask in the glow of their new love, like watching a zombie apocalypse with a happy ending.

You have to wonder what brought Harold and Jeanne together. Maybe it was the shared understanding that life is fleeting, or perhaps they just couldn't find anyone else who remembered the Great Depression. Either way, their courtship must have been a whirlwind. Harold, likely forgetting where he put his glasses every other hour, somehow remembered to propose. Jeanne, whose hearing might be more selective than actually impaired, probably said yes to shut him up.

The real kicker, though, is imagining their wedding night. Harold, a man who once faced the Nazi war machine, now faces the daunting prospect of getting it up for the first time in decades. With a cocktail of prescription drugs strong enough to tranquilize a horse, Harold’s bedroom performance is as unpredictable as a Russian roulette game. Jeanne, equally ancient, has her own set of challenges, but let’s not get too graphic here – suffice to say, it’s a match made in a geriatric ward.

As they fumble through the wedding night, it’s hard not to draw parallels to Harold’s war days. The confusion, the fear, the sheer terror of it all – only this time, there’s no enemy to shoot at, just a Viagra pill to find. It’s like reliving the D-Day landings but in slow motion and with a lot more nudity.

In the morning, as the sun rises over the beautiful Normandy landscape, Harold and Jeanne emerge, victorious. They’ve survived another night, proving that love, much like war, is not for the faint-hearted. And so, as they hobble down to breakfast, hand in liver-spotted hand, we salute them – not just for their incredible longevity, but for their unwavering determination to prove that you’re never too old to start a new chapter. Even if that chapter involves more creaking joints and bathroom breaks than romance.

Harold and Jeanne, here’s to you: may your days be filled with love, laughter, and an endless supply of whatever the hell keeps you two going. Because if this isn't a testament to the power of love (and modern medicine), I don't know what is.

Music:

Charles Bradley - No Time for Dreaming
Niel Young - Old Man.

Kee

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