008: How Knowing Your Child’s Personality Type Can Help You Speak Their Language

59 minutes
There is a lot of information out there about personality types. You might see how learning more about personality types and how they relate to children could help you better understand your child, but maybe you're not really sure where to start or what to do with that information.

In this episode, Ben and Rachel talk about the different personality type frameworks, share a few things you can do before doing any research that will help provide more context, and provide a way of thinking about personality types and behaviors that shifts the focus away from the results and toward the relationship.

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There is a lot of information out there about personality types. You might see how learning more about personality types and how they relate to children could help you better understand your child, but maybe you’re not really sure where to start or what to do with that information.

In this episode, Ben and Rachel talk about the different personality type frameworks, share a few things you can do before doing any research that will help provide more context, and provide a way of thinking about personality types and behaviors that shifts the focus away from the results and toward the relationship.

Highlights, Takeaways, & Quick Wins:

A personality test does not define you. It is a tool that can help you better understand yourself.
The more you understand your own personality, the easier it is to identify and interact with your child’s.
The quality time you spend with your child is going to give you the most accurate picture of their personality.
The purpose of learning our child’s personality type is to help us be more understanding and empathetic. When we understand out child’s behavior, we can take on the role of teacher.
Personality tests can speak to our child’s behavioral tendencies, but not to their identity.
Knowing our child’s personality type can help us communicate our child’s needs with other caretakers who may not yet understand.

Shownotes:

04:16 Ben: What is a personality type?
04:25 Rachel: I would say that a personality type is something we fall back on in certain situations. For example, you tend to think more positively whereas I am more of a glass half empty kind of person.
05:30 Ben: There are many factors that make up what one would call a personality type. I’ll share briefly some of the personality frameworks and a short description of each.

Meyers Briggs – These are four ranges of personality metrics. Because it’s a range, sometimes people fall closer to the extremes and sometimes people fall closer to the middle. Sometimes their oscillation between extremes is wide and sometimes it’s narrow. This isn’t meant to be an identifier, just to give you an idea of where you might fall within the range.
Extroversion – Introversion: Describes whether a person spends or gains energy from being around other people.
Sensing – Intuition: Describes whether a person experiences their surroundings based on external input or their internal interpretation.
Thinking – Feeling: Describes whether a person makes decisions based on logic input or how they feel about a situation.
Judgement – Perception: Describes whether a person has very structured/rigid ideas or if their ideas can be shaped by others.

Four Temperaments
Choleric: Adventurous, determined, outspoken, competitive, and strong-willed.
Sanguine: Playful, sociable, talkative, lively, and imaginative.
Melancholy: Detailed, orderly, persistent, respectful, and deep.
Phlegmatic: Thoughtful, controlled, adaptable, attentive, and diplomatic.

Other Alternatives
The Wallflower
The Zen Child
The Spitfire
The Explorer

Love Languages: Describes how a person gives and receives love.
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Gifts
Touch
Acts of Service

Learn What Yours and Your Spouse’s Personality Types Are

13:48 Ben: You could do days of research trying to figure out and understand these types, but I just wanted to provide a brief overview. I want to go into some precursors for understanding and interacting with your child’s personality type. One of the first things you should do is determine yours and your spouses personality. You can discover this a number of ways. You can take a test. You can sit down with your spouse and have a conversation about your personalities. You can do some research and come to your own conclusions by simply observing. The more you understand your own personality, the easier it will be to identify and interact with your child’s personality.
15:03 Rachel: When I took a personality test, I learned that I was an introvert and it suddenly made sense to me that I was completely exhausted after interacting with children all day.

The personality test doesn’t define you.

It is a tool that can help you better understand yourself.

15:39 Ben: You should always look objectively at the test results and not feel tied to the results. It can be very illuminating. I had a very positive experience with the test when I realized, based on the results, things I had been thinking of as negative personality traits where described as normal and in some ways beneficial. It caused me to see myself as more acceptable and set me free to make better progress toward positive changes in those areas. The same is true for Rachel’s situation. Learning that she was an introvert helped her understand why she felt drained when interacting with people and feel less guilty for not tending to be more outgoing in social situations.
18:18 I also had a negative experience with an employer who had me take a test as one of the very first things I did after being hired. I noticed immediately that they were interacting with me differently based on the results of the test. Due to the lack of relationship context, they couldn’t see that I had worked on areas of challenge and instead put me in a predefined box.
19:20 Rachel: If your purpose for having someone take the test is so to learn the flaws, then that’s all you’re going to see. If your intent is to discover opportunities for someone to improve, then it can be a more illuminating thing.

How Do You Determine Your Child’s Personality?

19:51 Ben: I don’t want to necessarily prescribe that you or your child take a test. That is something you can do. What I prefer is researching and learning about personality types on your own and then observing your child. The time that you spend with your child in relationship is going to give you the most accurate picture of their personality.
21:16 Rachel: It’s important for parents to know their kids like this. When they go to school or are in an environment where another adult is in charge, their behavior may be misinterpreted if the adult doesn’t have the same kind of relationship or understanding of personality types. You may need to fight on your child’s behalf and help give some context for where their behavior is coming from. That happened with our oldest. His behavior was misinterpreted as disrespect based on what the adult in charge had experienced in the past, and we needed to step in and help provide some understanding.

The Goal Is Empathy Through Better Understanding

22:23 Ben: It’s important to remember that the personality is a range, it’s dynamic, and it can also change based on your child’s development or their environment. The test in not meant to put our child in a box, but to help us understand where their behavior is coming from. We shouldn’t assert our understanding of their personality onto our child, but simply use it to help us understand where our child’s behavior might be coming from so we can empathize with him.
25:20 Rachel: We can also learn more about our child’s behavioral tendencies based on their age and development. Often our expectations are too high for what they are capable of developmentally.

Personality test results speak to behavioral tendencies, not our child’s identity.

25:37 Ben: The goal is not to figure out your child, but it’s to have more understanding and more empathy. When you respond with empathy to your child’s behavior, it allows you to be a teacher. Instead of trying to fix their behavior, you can address the real root of the issue. There are a lot of different methods for modifying behavior, but when you understand where the behavior is coming from, you can help your child understand and feel more equipped to adjust their behavior based on what they know and what circumstances they find themselves in. Jadon, our oldest, is very strong willed. As an independent adult, this trait will work well for him in certain situations. Right now, some of the ways that trait manifests itself don’t work with what we’re trying to do as a family. The more he understands how this trait works in different situations, the more he’ll be able to use that knowledge to his advantage.
27:10 Rachel: Last night, when I was trying to go to bed, Jadon kept coming into the room to ask me questions and no matter what I told him, he would not give up. I realized that he and I share that trait. I’m very strong willed, and I think sometimes it’s more difficult for parents who have similar personality traits to be empathetic toward their children when they are expressing those traits.
28:26 Ben: It’s funny because you’d think that having those personality traits in common would lead to better understanding and better empathy, but if we haven’t accepted those things in ourselves, it makes it difficult to accept them in someone else.
29:11 Rachel: Your children’s personalities can help you be more accepting of your own personality.

Don’t Assert Your Understanding of Your Child’s Personality Onto Them

29:16 Ben: This is something we want to be careful with. Sometimes we do this in intentional ways and sometimes is happens unintentionally. Because we are an authority in our child’s life, it’s really easy for them to internalize an idea that we have about them. What we really want is for our children to discover who they are on their own. That is the version of themselves they will be most accepting of and will set them up to be healthy adults.
31:20 Rachel: If it’s necessary, it can be good to shape our child’s environment based on their behavioral tendencies. It would be unfair for us to keep our child in a situation where their behavioral tendency will consistently put them in trouble before they are developmentally capable of adjusting their own behavior. It’s true that as adults we are often in situations where our personality type doesn’t typically thrive and we have to adjust our natural tendencies in order to operate in those circumstances, but when our children don’t yet have the ability to adapt, we need to step in and provide a more habitable environment so they can learn and grow.

Questions

34:41 Ben: Gabriel asks, “What if your child’s personality type contradicts your own?”
35:06 Rachel: It depends on your own personality type. I feel like I have the harder personality. You may have a really difficult time dealing with a personality type that’s strong willed and hard headed, whereas if you’re a strong willed person, it may feel really easy working with a child who has a more easy going personality.
36:37 Ben: Dealing with the spirit of this question—feeling like you’re butting heads all the time—it can be really frustrating when you don’t understand your child’s personality type and where that behavior is coming from. When you understand where the behavior is coming, the frustration may not go away, but because of your understanding it’s easier to be empathetic. It can also be good for the child to experience what it’s like maintaining a healthy relationship where there are sometimes personality conflicts.
37:57 Daniella Anne asks, “There are so many different personality types. Is it imperative you understand them all fully or is there a shortcut to being able to identify people as one or the other in a more simplified manner?” I bring this back to the idea that empathy and understanding is the goal. If having a better understanding helps you achieve that goal, then it’s worth investing the time.
39:36 Another question from Daniella: “Have you found your children’s personality types to have affected how they play with one another? Does it explain closeness between certain siblings?”
39:51 Rachel: I would say yes. Our second born is the sweet, extrovert. He’s a peacemaker in our family so he pretty much gets along with everyone. The two strong willed ones, however, don’t get along with each other very well.
40:37 Ben: Bryan asks, “Does your (your and Rachel’s) personality types affect which parent talks to which children when there’s an issue that needs to be talked about? e.g. does the “introverted parent” talk to the “introverted child”?”
40:54 Rachel: We don’t really divide it, but when we get to the end of our day, sometimes I’m tapped out. We spend dinner together around the table and there’s so much noise. After dinner the boys are still crazy and you can tell that I’m just done. In that situation, you’ll usually handle any problems that come up because you know, as an introvert, I’m worn out.
42:03 Ben: I would say that’s where personality type comes in the most is the fact that because you’re an introvert, you get to the end of your day and you’re spent whereas I might be tired, but I still have energy for conversation.
42:56 Robert Guzzo asks, “What are some ways to help your children understand/relate to their siblings’ personality types and needs while keeping it on their level?” I go back to not wanting to rest on the labels and the letters. If we can demonstrate our commitment to the goals of empathy and understanding, our children will learn that from us even before they can comprehend what personality types are.
44:44 Charla says, “Have you found good tools at helping to identify exactly what your children’s personality needs are, or do you by what feels right with their temperament?” I prefer to do my own research and just observe my child. This helps me keep the focus on the relationship instead of the label. However, if we do identify something specific, I will dig in a little more so I can better understand a specific personality trait or struggle my child may be experiencing.
45:19 Rachel: Early on when we had our first son, he was in the church nursery and the teacher came out and talked to us about how all the other boys and girls were sitting and listening, but he was just doing what he wanted to do. I remember worrying that we weren’t doing a good job as parents and I started researching things I could do to help him be a more compliant child. I started reading a book by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka called “Raising Your Spirited Child.” It was incredibly eye opening and helped me to see our son in a whole new way and to appreciate those things that I was worried about at first.
46:49 Ben: It helps understanding these things about your child because it can help you feel less self-conscious as a parent and it can also help you pass on valuable information to the people who are watching your children in a childcare setting.
47:52 Dane made a statement and asked a question. “I believe personality types are malleable and change over time. I believe this is especially true with children with the nature vs. nurture factors. Children haven’t yet had all of their experiences that have yet to form their full personality. What are your thoughts on how often you should be reevaluating things to make sure you’re current with the ever-evolving language that your children are speaking?”
48:12 Rachel: I would say all the time. When our oldest was 3 we finally started to feel like we had our feet under us from the research we were doing. From the time before he was three, his personality was very different from what it is now and I think our lack of confidence as parents played into that. When a child can sense that you are not confident, they don’t quite feel safe. We continue to evaluate them as we grow as parents and as they grow.
49:53 Ben: This statement sums up the episode for me. The way that we keep up with our children and their behavioral tendency is by focusing on this daily. It’s an every day relationship. Through spending time with and interacting with your child, especially if you’re familiar with the different personality types, you’ll more easily recognize changes as they happen. It’s not about evaluating. It’s about observing and taking notice. Personality type frameworks are a useful tool meant to help you understand and empathize with your children which is really the goal.
52:00 Rachel: If the energy we spend on trying to change our child’s behavior was spent on understanding our children’s personality, we wouldn’t have to work as hard at maintaining a healthy relationship with our child.