The Birds of 1995

Back in September, I was removed from Facebook without warning. Mind you, I am NOT a controversial person on social media. I enjoy posting about my kids, homeschooling, faith, and just encouraging people. Obviously, someone reported me somewhere or I talked about something that offended the powers that be. 

There’s this line from season 1 of The Chosen that says “I was one way, and now I am completely different, and the thing that happened in between was Him.” I can’t really explain it, nor do I feel the need to because frankly, it’s between me and God, but I am so, so grateful for answered prayers and a change in my heart that I hope continues.

What this is about is the fact that at any moment, your life, your situation, can change. For better or worse. 

In first grade, I met Brandon and just fell head over heals for him. He was the cutest boy in the class, always fun to be around, made me laugh, and you just couldn’t help but like him! He became my very first “boyfriend” – for whatever that means when you are 6 or 7 years old, haha. We even got “married” – which meant we held hands, a friend spoke some words to us as a ceremony, and we jumped in a big ol’ pile of leaves together as a sign of our “honeymoon.” SO cute, right? Each special holiday or birthday, he never failed to get me a gift. 

When we got to middle school, he broke up with me and in turn, broke my little pre-teen heart. Over the phone, none the less. What happened after that, was a friendship that continued to grow and he was my best friend all the way to high school. I never stopped loving him. We went to a private school through 8th grade and then continued to a public high school together. He would pass me notes, calling me his ongoing nickname, always just chatting about random things, telling me he hoped I was having a good day, picking on me…just being Brandon. I always thought I would end up marrying him. Come to find out, years later, he had always thought the same. Even in the dating of other people. It always came back to our friendship. 

We went to youth group together, church camp, I went to see him play soccer and listened to his latest story of randomness.

I remember many times he would talk me down over the phone when my teenage self was spiraling over drama with my parents or friends. He would even come pick me up and drive around or give me a ride in his car to youth group. We laughed and joked, ALL.THE.TIME. 

On July 8th, 1995, I was in my kitchen at home when I felt this awful pressure in my chest, and a heaviness come over my body. I had this awful feeling in my gut and Brandon came to mind. About that time, my dad came home and my mom met him in the garage. All I remember hearing was something about a phone call and I ran to my room. Somehow, I knew it was bad. And I knew it had to do with Brandon.

As I laid on my bed, my sisters were sitting with me as my parents came in to sit. I had my face buried in my bed. My dad said there was an accident and it was in that moment that time stopped. All that I could hear was ringing in my ears. I don’t know how long it lasted but I never heard my dad say the words I already knew in my heart.

Brandon was dead.

When I asked God for a sign that my friend was ok, a little black bird flew past our car. I saw it but thought surely that wasn’t a sign, so I asked again. And another bird flew by. I told God that I didn’t want to assume and read into anything. I told him that I wasn’t sure if that was from him. I asked if it was then to please send another.

What happened after that is something that has stuck with me even 26 years later. 

And in that moment, even though I had NO idea how I would navigate life without my friend, I knew he was ok. I knew that God understood my need and He showed up in a way I would never forget. My life was changing and, don’t get me wrong, there was a ripple effect of things after that in which I struggled to understand and get through.

I don’t know exactly why I had to endure the loss of Brandon all those years ago. Sure, I can come up with reasons like it’s what brought to helping others through my EMS career. I can say it’s because I learned what it meant to truly love someone and not let a day go by without people knowing you care. Yes, there are little things that can be found along the way to try and make sense of the pain.

But what it comes down to, is that life will continue to happen. It will continue to change. In an instant our world can be turned upside down. Sometimes change can be fun. Sometimes it can be scary. But it is inevitable either way.

“For we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose.”

If you are doubting God right now. Doubting that He is real. That He cares. That He’s listening. 

He can handle that. He loves you enough to stand with his hands stretched out, waiting for you to take a chance at change. He sees your pain. He sees your fear. There is nothing you can do to change His love for you and your family. 

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