Scratch Your Itch

I'm sitting here in my big, comfortable, manly, black leather poppa chair in my living room, with a big smile on my face because I have just thoroughly scratched a hard to reach itch on my back. Oooh that feels good. Scratching an itch into surrender is exceeded in pleasure only by certain sexual celebrations too graphic to describe here. Most itches you can scratch all by yourself, but some itches attack in what I call the Zone of Despair.
The Zone of Despair is on your back. It's only about two inches wide. But you can't reach it with either hand. Certainly not if you reach for it over your shoulder. But even if you reach for it from below it's just out of your reach. About fifty percent of you are trying it right now...the male fifty percent. The feminine fifty percent are just rolling their eyes out loud, because they've already discovered this for themselves.
Sometimes you can reach the Zone of Despair with a fork, but that's something you'll always remember doing every time you eat with that fork. That fork will always make your steak taste a little different.
There are really only a couple of ways of dealing with the Zone of Despair.
#1- You can rub against the nearest wall while nobody is watching.
#2- You can get into a relationship with someone with great fingernails who is willing to use them on your Zone of Despair.
#3- You can buy a back scratcher.
Actually, even in the best relationships there are moments of great silences, in which the scratching of your back is not going to happen. So if you don't want to wear out your wall paper, you should buy a back scratcher. A guy can get pretty close to his back scratcher. Both a human one and the kind you buy. And the fact is, the kind of back scratchers you buy have certain advantages for guys. They don't sulk when you describe Catherine Zeta Jones with excessive enthusiasm. They don't get headaches, and they don't wish you were George Clooney.