How I started to love the judgmental person in my life

Good Morgan Therapy

English - January 19, 2024 20:09 - 8 minutes - 11.1 MB - ★★★★★ - 1 rating
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I had a relative that I absolutely hated, because they always said the wrong thing at the wrong time. They were judgmental and critical. I knew that they loved me and I loved them, but I couldn’t feel it.

So I tried something that you’ve probably tried that didn’t work very well. I thought to myself “well, when I’m mean and judgmental, it’s because I had a bad day or was triggered by something, but when they are mean and judgmental, it’s because they are a mean and judgmental person who doesn’t care enough about me to be nice.” That made me pity them, which is not love.

So I went back to the drawing board, and I had a realization that transformed this relationship and so many others! I realized that a lot of people were trained to believe that the epitome of love is controlling somebody into safety. That’s what they were trying to do for me.

So, I started hearing those words under their judgments and criticisms. I started hearing “I love you so much and I’m terrified that you’re not gonna be safe unless XYZ.” And my response started to be “thanks for looking out for me“ and then, I’d either response to their advice or I wouldn’t, I’d take their advice or I wouldn’t.

I also set boundaries. I do this all day long, but I can't personally stomach just saying no yet.

So instead, I use this formula:

1. State my positive intent

2. State that I understand and am grateful for their positive intent

3. Draw the fluid boundary

With this person and some other difficult people, I do that first and if they still cross the boundary, I say "I can't talk about that" and give them something I *can* talk about. Usually, I ask them to teach me something - gardening, history, cooking, whatever they are into.

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