Episode 80: Identity Part 4: Raise Up a Child

In this series we’re learning about identity by asking a foundational question, “Who am I?” We want to better understand how culture and social conditioning have influenced our understanding of ourselves and the world around us. What should we embrace at our core? What lies do we get rid of? And perhaps most importantly, what do we pass on to our kids? The answers are complicated, often difficult, yet uplifting all at once.
In this episode we’re following the theme of this series by asking “How to do we help our kids answer the Who Am I? questions of race, sexuality/gender, and spiritual & religious identity for themselves, with as much clarity and authenticity as possible?”
We talk about how being raised fundamentalist gave us all the "answers," so that when we left the framework of that paradigm, we had nothing left. We've had to parent ourselves through these questions and feel somewhat ill-equipped to help our kids with them.
Laura shares some of the parenting research she dug up in the last week, which turns out to be deceptively simple. The most important thing is a warm, trusting, emotionally-connected/involved relationship with your kids. We talk about how our respective gender socialization has made that easier or harder for us, and what we want to do to change things.
Next, we get specific about three areas of identity where we want to parent with more intentionality: Race/Culture, Sexuality/Gender, and Religion/Spirituality. Our overarching goal is to know and celebrate who they are as individuals, rather than trying to stuff them into a particular set of expectations we have for them, and to remain flexible as they evolve.
We end with a teaser: we went to a new church and we kinda liked it! We'll talk about it on the next episode: our wrap-up of the Identity series.

In this series we’re learning about identity by asking a foundational question, “Who am I?” We want to better understand how culture and social conditioning have influenced our understanding of ourselves and the world around us. What should we embrace at our core? What lies do we get rid of? And perhaps most importantly, what do we pass on to our kids? The answers are complicated, often difficult, yet uplifting all at once.

In this episode we’re following the theme of this series by asking “How to do we help our kids answer the Who Am I? questions of race, sexuality/gender, and spiritual & religious identity for themselves, with as much clarity and authenticity as possible?”

We talk about how being raised fundamentalist gave us all the "answers," so that when we left the framework of that paradigm, we had nothing left. We've had to parent ourselves through these questions and feel somewhat ill-equipped to help our kids with them.

Laura shares some of the parenting research she dug up in the last week, which turns out to be deceptively simple. The most important thing is a warm, trusting, emotionally-connected/involved relationship with your kids. We talk about how our respective gender socialization has made that easier or harder for us, and what we want to do to change things.

Next, we get specific about three areas of identity where we want to parent with more intentionality: Race/Culture, Sexuality/Gender, and Religion/Spirituality. Our overarching goal is to know and celebrate who they are as individuals, rather than trying to stuff them into a particular set of expectations we have for them, and to remain flexible as they evolve.

We end with a teaser: we went to a new church and we kinda liked it! We'll talk about it on the next episode: our wrap-up of the Identity series.

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Links:

How do your parenting methods affect your child's future? | Kobe University — This study from Kobe University in Japan, found that "people who had experienced “supportive” child-rearing where parents paid them a lot of positive attention reported high salaries, academic success, and high levels of happiness."Lessons from the longest study on human development | Helen Pearson - YouTube — Science journalist Helen Pearson shares some important findings and simple truths about life and good parenting. Her book, Life Project: The Extraordinary Story of 70,000 Ordinary Lives is a fascinating, conversational look into the British Birth Cohort studies.Raising religious kids: The pros and cons — Quartz — This is a good roundup of a lot of recent science around religiosity in families, written in very accessible lay language.