Teen Friend Groups and Accepting Teen Friendship Strife: Dr. Lisa Damour

Episode #65 with Dr. Lisa Damour 

Dr. Lisa Damour is the NYT bestselling author of Untangled, Under Pressure, and The Emotional Lives of Teenagers. She's also the co-host of the Ask Lisa Podcast. On Dear Nina, I focus on adult friendships, but sometimes I touch on teen friendships because teen friend strife is slipping into adult friendships. While it was once expected that teens would experience friendship changes as part of growing up, it now seems making sure teens never feel upset about their social lives is yet another thing for parents to manage. Lisa's work helps adults understand how much distress to expect in teens' lives and when there's cause for concern.

Find Dr. Lisa on Instagram and Twitter.

Topics We Covered:  (Show notes are HERE)

Accepting teenage social strife is a normal part of growing up.Teens will get left out and leave others. Friend groups seem overly formal to adults these days, but it's a reality for teens. Lisa said, "If your kid has one or two good buddies, leave it alone. It's perfect. If your kid has a large friendship group, do not assume that anyone is going out of their way to cause trouble. It is the nature of those larger groups."In groups of over four, it's impossible to expect that every person will like each other equally. Some people will be closer.If your teen has a few close friends, they have everything they need for a positive social life. Reassure them that we have good data showing that the least stressed kids have one or two good friends.Understanding that mental health has come to be equated with feeling good or relaxed or happy. These are all wonderful things, but they're not what mental health is. Dr. Damour explains that being mentally healthy is about having feelings that fit the circumstance, then managing those feelings well, even if those are negative emotions.Helping parents not be afraid of teenagers' negative emotions, which are evidence of good mental health and an opportunity to learn about conflict and strife.Learning the difference between uncomfortable and unmanageable. Just because a teen (or an adult) is an uncomfortable situation, that doesn't make it a problem we need to solve immediately. This is an opportunity for growth and competence and confidence.Knowing the difference between kids' discomfort and parents' discomfort. Parents sometime freak out more than their teens about social dynamics.Helping teens make the most of the friendship strife they face by learning how to handle conflict. This will serve them for the rest of their lives.

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