Masturbation Recovery Stories

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics 
Interior Integration for Catholics brings to you in each episode the best psychological information essential for your human formation, knowledge that is fundamental in shoring up the natural foundation for your Catholic spiritual life.  
In this podcast, we confront the tough questions we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, we confront head on our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way. 
And we deal with these difficult, demanding issues for one primary reason: to free you to love God our Father, Jesus our Brother, the Holy Spirit and Our Mother Mary more and more over time.  
This podcast helps you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God.
'Together, we are on a journey toward deep transformation in our mindsets, our heartsets and our bodysets, a radical transformation at the core of our being so that our souls can one day enter into contemplative union with God. 
I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.  
This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor
This is episode 54, released on February 8, 2021
This is the sixth episode in our series on sexuality and the fourth one on masturbation.  
And it is titled:  Masturbation Recovery Stories
We're following up on our last three episodes, number 51, 52 and 53, which have all been about masturbation, the Top 10 reasons why Catholic men masturbate, the 10 common mistakes they make as they try to recover from masturbation and live chaste lives, and the 20 remedies for those 10 common mistakes.   
we're getting into answers for Catholics who experience masturbation as a dead-end, as a failed promise, as an inadequate answer for their deeper needs and desires. 
So today, we're pulling all the conceptual information together and we are going to do three things.
First, We will briefly review the 10 common mistakes and the 20 remedies for those mistakes
Second, will discuss how to make an individualized recovery plan for masturbation
 Third, we will pull all the information together into the stories of Richard and Luis, who we introduced in episode 51 -- we will review their histories, look at the mistakes they made is trying to free themselves from masturbation, discuss how they made their individualized plans for recovery, and how they broke free from masturbation.  

Review:  
10 Common Mistakes that Catholics make in breaking free from masturbation:
 Considering masturbation as the primary problem. -- Gotta go deeper

 Pursuing compartmentalization or fragmentation instead of interior integration

 Going it alone

 Using only the spiritual means

 Having a Power spirituality or a macho spirituality

 Passive Spirituality

 The why for the change

 Shaming the self for failures

 The All or Nothing Trap

  Failing to see the struggle with masturbation as a gift

 
20 Remedies for those mistakes
 Commit to finding the real reason, with God's help.

  Bring God or Mary or a saint or your angel  into the search for the underlying causes

 Committing to interior integration:   Interior acceptance of all parts, all desires, all impulses, all thoughts, all memories as real -- as part of reality. 

Find a confidant with whom you can check in daily.   Daily.  Not just regularly.  Daily

 Get to confession and address the spiritual dimensions.  Talk about it.  Spiritual Director, Confessor

 Working toward Intimate relationship with God

 Time with Friends -- being deliberate out it.

 Therapists -- especially Catholic IFS-informed  therapist

 Sexaholics Anonymous or other groups

 Online groups -- like the Resilient Catholic Community

 Embracing the parts that carry our powerlessness, smallness, neediness -- we need those things, they are essential for us to be small enough to approach God.  Those parts are precious

  Focus on Humility.  Litany of humility.  Litany of Trust

 Entering into relationship with God as a little child. Let the little children come to me.    St. Therese of Lisieux. 

Serenity Prayer:   Pray it every day.  And listen.  

Commit to doing what you can, even it seems like very little.  Remembering that as little children we can offer very little.

 Exploring and discussing our motives with our trusted person.   Ask that person how he or she sees our motives.  

 Bringing those motives to prayer.  Lord that I may see.  Prayer of blind Bartimeus.  Domine ut vidiam. 

really working with our internal critic.  Understanding the reasons for the shaming, the good that the critic seeks in that -- and helping that critic integrate with the rest of your system, under the leadership of your core self.

 Perseverance.  It's normal to fall.  We are fallen human beings in a fallen world.  We need to get up.  Every time. 

Seeking for how the struggle with masturbation is a gift.  

Making a Plan
 All the above can be overwhelming-- Do I have to do it all? 
First Overarching principle -- Work your plan out with someone else, someone you trust, someone that you sense is competent to help you. 
This is vitally important, so you are not repeating mistake number 3, which is going it alone. 
Talk it out with that person at length.  The whys and wherefores of each component of the plan.  

Second Overarching principle Write out your plan.  It all becomes so much when you write it out.  
Third Overarching principle --  take what is helpful for you in your plan and discard what is not.  Be flexible in your plan over time.  
Fourth overarching principle -- build up your plan.  It make take time, build it up over time. 
General trend over time -- general trajectory
Week by week -- once you consolidate a part of your plan, add another part

Fifth overarching principle -- adherence to the plan is your target.  Stay with the plan.  Much more certain than just having periods of abstinence from masturbation

Review of Parts
 IFS by Richard Schwartz  

IFS on the Self
 Self defined as the seat of consciousness

 Self can be occluded or overwhelmed by parts

 When self accepts and loves parts, those parts transform back into who they were meant to be

 Self-led mind is self-righting.

 self -- Active inner leader -- more than mindfulness

 Parts find the relationship with the self very reassuring

 

Discussion of Parts
 Separate, seemingly independent little personalities each with its range of emotion, style of expression, abilities, desires, views of the world. 
Modes of operating
Orchestra model
Focus is on integration.  

Get forced into extreme roles -- attachment injuries and relational traumas

 
Three roles
 Exiles -- 
most sensitive -- become injured or outraged.  Threatens the system, external relationships
Exploited, rejected, abandoned in external relationships
Want care and love, rescue, redemption

shame.  Need for redemption 

Managers
 Protective, strategic, controlling environment, keep things safe

 Obsessions. Compulsions, reclusiveness, passivity, numbing. Panic attacks, somatic complaints, depressive episodes, hypervigiliance.

 

Firefighters
 Stifle, anesthetize, distract from feelings of exiles

 No concern for consequences

 Binge eating, drug/alcohol use, dissociation, sexual risk taking, cutting

 

Parts can take over the person
 Like in Pixar Movie Inside Out -- anger taking over the control panel of the main character Riley

 We call it blending.  

Stories
 Fictional, composites.  

These are simplified.  We will discuss three parts.  Usually there are 10-20 parts, sometimes up to 30.  

Richard:
 Richard's History

 Parts mapping -- this is the real story.  
Church Man -- manager part, strong moral compass, who evaluates Richards' behavior.  Take off from the SNL Church Lady from the late 80s.
 God Image:  Demanding Drill Sergeant God, who never satisfied with Richard.  This demanding drill sergeant God demands perfection from Richard, and so Church Man is pushing Richard really hard to be good enough to earn God's love. 
Prayer -- mostly rote, duty-based, not much of a relational connection with God. Assumption is that once he does enough, God might heal him from his sinful ways out of justice.  God will owe it to him.   
Church Man really just wants God to not harm Richard, and be satisfied with the efforts.  

 Self-image -- Church Man sees Richard's other parts as undermining his self-improvement efforts, and placing Richard at risk of God's permanent rejection and disgust.  

Fear:  Church Man fears that if Richard doesn't keep trying and growing, God will reject him permanently.  

Good intention:  To motivate Richard to follow the rules of the Catholic Faith and become worthy of God's acceptance.  Absolutely no affairs.  No connections to other women.  Not repeating what Mom did.  

Benefits:  Excellent quality control at work.  Very few mistakes.  Generally a lot of self-control

 
Means Used: Badgers Richard, cajoles him.  Carrot and stick.  Can be really hard on him, shames him, cuts him down
 Suppresses all other parts.  Doesn't trust them.  Wants to be the only part operating.  

Harm done;  Unaware of how demoralizing he can be.  
To Richard's other parts -- crushing burden of shame he creates.  
And to others -- could be really critical to subordinates and his wife.  
Seen as cold and rude to women at work -- Talk in the break room among the women was that he was chauvinistic.  
Distant from daughters.  

Needy Boy -- exiled part that is very insecure, burdened with unmet needs for maternal care
 
Developmental history
 Mom stressed with first child, not able to engage consistently -- some post-partum depression.  Mom not real regulated to begin with.  Unprepared for the demands of motherhood, and Mom had parts that resented both her husband and her son and the loss of her career.

 Dad was a high-power attorney, dominated by a part that needed to win, needed to overpower and outmaneuver others and never be seen as weak.  

God image:  Elitist Aristocrat God -- God doesn't need him, God doesn't know him, God is too good for him, too remote
 Not felt seen and known

 Not felt safe and secure

 

Self Image -- I'm not good enough, lovable enough to gain God's attention.  I'm abandoned, alone in the world.  I'm not acceptable, he doesn't need me and he doesn't want me.  Yearning for redemption, someone, anyone to pay attention to him.  

Need Boy's Fear -- I am starving, emotionally, relationally.  I need to connect and be cared for or I will die.  

Not able to regulate affect.  

Distractor -- firefighter part -- 
Great Fear:  Being utterly overwhelmed by the intensity of Needy Boy's pain.
When Church Man isn't able to contain Needy Boy, Distractor leaps in to protect Richard's system from the intensity of Needy Boy's intense emotional pain
Uses pornography as a primary way of distracting, diverting Needy Boy to a mom-like image.  Hope for redemption.  Calms things down.  
Masturbates to distract from Needy Boy's pain.  
Polarized with Church Man.  
Doesn't think much about God, A Statue God image, 

Of the top 10 reasons Catholic men Masturbate
 #1  Loneliness -- needing maternal and paternal care

 #2  Insecurity

 #6  Anger at wife

 

Richard's Plan
 
Of the 10 common mistakes
 #3 -- Going it alone

 #4 Using only the spiritual means

 #5  Power spirituality, building virtue

 #8  Shaming the self

 #10  Not seeing his struggle with masturbation as a gift

 

 

Richard's Recovery
Luis
 
Luis' history
 Seminarian -- 2nd Theology

 Deep devotion to God

 Parents married, Dad distant, mom thinks he's a little autistic, not emotionally attuned

 
Very close enmeshed relationship with Mom
 Part of the reason for going to seminary -- no other men, can be mom's one and only

 Experiences close relationships as fusion -- blending together.

 

Parts Mapping
 The Moral Theologian  -- intellectual part, very much concerned with right and wrong and appropriate behavior.  
Deep admirer of St. Thomas Aquinas, his hero
Unknowingly departs from the angelic doctor in his devaluing of the Passions
Very distrustful of emotions, impulses, desires -- seeks a high-degree of self control
Makes careful distinctions first and second moral acts inside him.  
Strives for objectivity, rationality, intellectual understanding, finds safety and protection in that.  
God image -- not one of Bill and Kristi Gaultiere's types.   God is very fair, very just.  Transactional, highly intellectualized view of relating with God.  Very suspicious of the Charismatic movement and dislikes most contemporary liturgical music and praise and worship songs.  
Prays via lectio divina, appreciates the aesthetics of good liturgy, and loves to reflect on the beauty and order of Catholic teaching
Uninterested in romantic relationships, finds safety in his friendships with other orthodox seminarians and faculty but hates all the heretical or perceived heretical elements he hears in class or reads about in pastoral theology classes.  
Relates through a meeting of the minds and is cordial with others, but scans relationships to see if they might negatively impact his search for truth.  
Very preoccupied with masturbation -- this is the one area that is disordered in Luis' life, the one thing that needs to be straightened out.  Only area of grave matter.    Self control is shattered.  
Masturbation is very confusing for the Moral Theologian -- almost like altered states of consciousness, he hates the sense of losing control, and has come to hate aspects of his sexuality, with some desires to be asexual in order to simplify matters.  The Moral Theologian could understand it if Origin, as Eusebius claimed, castrated himself, but hoped that he didn't as many other historians arugued because self-mutilation is grave matter

Little Husband -- exile.  
Deep unmet needs for love and care from Mom.
 Enmeshed with Mom -- emotional incest.  Mom's unhappy marriage, seeking to get her relational needs met by Luis.  Little Husband was the part of Luis that Mom's protector parts exploited in an attempt to feel better about herself and to get her own needs met.  

When Luis was a little boy, his Little husband part learned that if he listened to Mom's problems, if he reassured her, if he affirmed her, if he joined her in criticizing Dad as a poor husband and father, he would then get her attention and she would show him affection.  If he felt the way she did, if he mirrored her, if he fused with her, Mom would reward him with affirmation, and sometime she went over the top, covering his face with kisses and hugging him close and weeping, and telling him how much he meant to her, how important he was to her, how much she needed him, which was frightening to him, to see her so regressed.   But he couldn't break away from Mom or risk losing almost all his emotional connection, given that his father was distant and there were no other major relationships in his life.  

Self-image:  Little husband saw himself as his mother's support, her emotional  refuge, her caregiver, her protector in a sense, her little husband.  He existed to serve her needs.

 God-Image:  So Little Husband saw God as needy and kind of emotionally unbalanced, prone to rages and also to overwhelmingly intense displays of affection.  Little Husband had a Magic Genie God image.  He had to give God whatever He wanted for that affection, even if meant violations of boundaries, violations of dignity. 

Doesn't want to displease Mom.  Doesn't want to be unfaithful to her, and to meeting her needs.  Recognizes the sacrifices she is making by allowing him to go to seminary.   

Gladiator -- Exile
 Rebellious toward authority, feels he is enslaved by others parts who are subservient to Mom

 Hates Mom's invasions and intrusions.  This part hates Mom, feels like identity is being stolen, hates being used.  

Suppressed by the Moral Theologian from an early age -- Polarization --  because of the danger he represents in acting out

 Willing to take huge risks because life as an oppressed slave is hardly worth living.  

Robber God image -- God takes good things away from me
 Anger at God -- assumed God is like Mom.   

Fear of God fusing with him.  

Self-image:  I've got to grab on to any goods I can get.
 This part masturbates.  

Of the Top 10 reasons why Catholic men masturbate
 #1 Loneliness, lack of relational connection

 #3 Cry for help (single symptom presentation)

 #4  Anger at God

 #5 Regulating distance from God -- preventing enmeshment

 

Luis' Plan
 
The Common Mistakes
 #1  Masturbation as the primary problem

 #2 Compartmentalization --> fragmentation

 #7 The Why for the Change

 #8 Shaming the Self

 #9 The All or Nothing Trap

 #10 Not Seeing the Struggle as a Gift.

 

Dr. Glafoderwalladan  -- recommendations

 Therapy with Dr. McMartete

 

Luis' Recovery.  

Wrap up
 If you are interested in more about how parts have God images and how that all works -- mark your calendars. February 19, 2021 -- 10 AM to 1:15 PM Eastern time.  I have been invited to do a live webinar for the Catholic Psychotherapy Association entitled "Why Do I Avoid God?  An Internal Family Systems-Informed Approach to Parts' Negative God Images"  Here we get into how different parts see God.  Lots of experiential work.  For information and registration go to catholicpsychotherapy.org/events

 Feedback.  Let me know how these episodes are landing with you -- -- some of you already have.  Get in touch with me on my cell at 317.567.9594 or my email at [email protected] -- we're still small enough in January 2021 that I can respond to everybody.  

We have the Resilient Catholic community.  That community is about transformation, about preparing the way for love in our souls. It's about being together as Catholics on a journey, on a mission to really enter into an intimate personal relationship with Jesus Christ our brother, the Holy Spirit who is Love Himself and with our spiritual parents, God the Father and Mary our Mother.  It's about sharing our experiences in that journey on that mission.
 Get on the waiting list  soulsandhearts.com/rccd so you will get information before the general public does.  Those on the waiting list -- thank you for your patience, hoping to reopen the community in April.  

Will do a premium podcast -- RCC members and ITC members --  Those premium podcasts come out on Tuesday, one day later, so this one will release on February 9, 2021.  Listening with Parts for Parts

 We have our Second Wednesday Zoom meeting coming up from 7:30 PM to 8:45 PM on Wednesday, February 10, 2021 for Resilient Catholic Community members, and it's all about We will be discussing seeing our sufferings, trials, problems -- our crosses -- as gifts, and why our parts so often reject the whole idea and that will be in the context of sexuality and how parts are sexualized.   

Can start by subscribing to this podcast -- spotify, apple podcasts, google play, amazon.  Share the Interior Integration for Catholics Podcast on social media -- sharing buttons are on our website at soulsandhearts.com/coronavirus-crisis  -- get your word out there, with your personal recommendation -- how these episodes have helped you.  Share them, let others know. 

You can reach out to me at 317.567.9594 or at [email protected] -- don’t forget about feedback, ideas, suggestions.  

Next week, in Episode 55, I am excited to have Dr. Gerry join us as we discuss pornography in the first of a two-part subseries within this broader series on sexuality.  

 Patronness and Patron.