82 The Many Faces of Grief Inside Us

Through a dramatic representation, quotes, and examples, I walk you through how six dimensions of what it means for you to love yourself and others.  By bringing in the pioneering work of IFS therapist Derek Scott, we will explore how different parts within you respond to grief and loss in so many different ways.  Lead in:
 Lead-in Intro Letter Ron's reactions Intro
 We are together in this great adventure, this podcast, Interior Integration for Catholics, we are journeying together, and I am honored to be able to spend this time with you.  
I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist and passionate Catholic and together, we are taking on the tough topics that matter to you.  
We bring the best of psychology and human formation and harmonize it with the perennial truths of the Catholic Faith.   
Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach, Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology grounded in a Catholic worldview to you and the rest of the world through our website soulsandhearts.com Today's episode, number 82 is entitled "The Many Faces of Grief Inside Us  and it's released on August 23, 2021 Heard a reenacted story about Ronald and Vivian Meerkamp, and I’ll be using that clip throughout todays episode to add depth and examples to the concepts 
In the last episode, Episode 81, we broached There is so much misinformation out there about grief.  So many myths, so many misconceptions to clear up.  Why is that?  We're going to answer that question with the professional research, the best of psychological theory, with Scripture, with poetry, with examples and with quotes to help you understand the experience of grief -- your grief and the grief of others.  
Why should we learn about grief?  Earl Grollman sums it up like this:
 Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve. If we love, we will grieve.  Part of loving well is grieving well.  
If we flee from grief, we will also flee from love.    You can't love without eventually grieving 
Last episode, I mentioned how our understanding of grief can be limited by assuming we have a single, homogenous monolithic personality. Today I'm going to share with you a much deeper and richer way to understand grief.
 From Episode 72 What Keeps You from Loving?  Is it Really Only Your Vices?  Discussion of Dimensions of Understanding Others or Ourselves.  -- We will get into that more today.  0 Dimensions -- single point in space -- geometry, no dimensionality.  Personalizing it -- you are nothing to me.  No separate identity, not even really human, invisible -- the person doesn't exist for you.  “Love is not cold and what is cold is not love.” ― Marty Rubin “Science may have found a cure for most evils; but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all -- the apathy of human beings.”― Helen Keller “Indifference is more truly the opposite of love than hate is, for we can both love and hate the same person at the same time, but we cannot both love and be indifferent to the same person at the same time.” ― Peter Kreeft, Prayer For Beginners Examples:
 Emotional detachment:  Ron -- fear of loss.  

 

1 Dimension -- line  Only one quality -- very self-referential, the person in orbit around me and my needs.  Often only a functional dimension, or not meeting a function
 “That politicians 

who smiled at us and kissed our babies

blue eyes shining with triumph

well knew we were falling

into our graves

kicked by them

as they counted

our votes.”

― Alice Walker, Taking the Arrow Out of the Heart 

“What we do see depends mainly on what we look for. ... In the same field the farmer will notice the crop, the geologists the fossils, botanists the flowers, artists the colouring, sportsmen the cover for the game. Though we may all look at the same things, it does not all follow that we should see them.” ― John Lubbock, The Beauties of Nature and the Wonders of the World We Live in For Vivian:  In her pain and loneliness, part of her takes over reduces Ron to one dimension:  cold, distant, ignores me -- reduces Ron to one dimension -- in order to protect herself from him.  For Ron blended with his angry part who is protecting him from agonizing pain from abandonment:  Vivian is a Betrayer -- She betrayed me, she is a traitor, a backstabber, she hurts me.  Still very personalized, very self-referential2 Dimensions -- plane -- starts to be a little Less personal, less self-referential
 Cardboard Cutout-- person has a shape, not well understood.  
Ron ignores me and is self absorbed.  But it's because of his job.  He shuts down emotions because of what he sees as a detective
 “It is a well-worn truth that cops grow callous, a cliché so tattered that it is even common on television. All cops face things every day that are so gruesome, brutal, and bizarre that no normal human being could deal with them on a daily basis and stay sane. And so they learn not to feel, to grow and maintain a poker-faced whimsy toward all the surprising things their fellow humans find to do to each other. All cops practice not-feeling, and it may be that Miami cops are better at it than others, since they have so many opportunities to learn.”  Jeff Lindsay, Dexter is Delicious 
Vivian is a betrayer and a traitor.  But she's misguided -- she's reacting out of ignorance and emotion and because she doesn't understand me. 
3 Dimensions -- taking into account much more of the person, providing a more complete snapshot of a moment in time
 Person has
 A whole internal world Many dimensions Many competing values at one time. Needs -- attachment needs and integrity needs Emotions Belief.  
Thought Intentions 
Desires Attitudes Impulses. relationships Maybe even multiple points of view inside at the same time.  With conflicts and polarizations inside --

Vivian is betraying me and harming me and she's misguided, reacting out of ignorance and emotion, but she also really loves our kids.  And she's good at her job. Vivian has mixed reactions to me.  4 Dimensions -- out of basic geometry now and into physics.  The four dimension is physics...