3 Ways The Lakers Can Make The... I Can't. I Can't Pretend To Care About This Anymore

By Sport Van Bloggerson - Very Old Sports Writer

My wife is dead. We just put her in the ground… Wait Sport, no. This is sports, not obituaries.

The Lakers in free fall has been one of the most fascinating stories this NBA season. Despite some recent rallying, they are still three games under 500. Here’s Three Things they can… do… to… ugh. Just, here… Here’s three things.

Maybe this photo of D’Antoni will keep me focused

3.) Kobe Needs To Shoot Less - The Lakers’ record with Kobe as facilitator is… Bev used to be my facilitator. She facilitated my meals, even up to the end. Now I’m eating cold beans out of a can for the fourth straight day. Wearing an open bathrobe, and just letting the bean juice spill onto my exposed chest. The old newspapers are really starting to pile up. But yeah, Kobe… pass the ball around more.

Whatever

2.) Let Nash Run The Offense - Steve Nash needs to be the man in control. I remember when I was the man in control. Seems like only a few short years ago, but it was at least thirty. Thirty years since I’ve felt like I’ve had some modicum of control on own life. In a way I was like Steve Nash, coming into a new marriage with high hopes of a playoff run. Only to find a domineering partner taking over everything.

Bev and I didn’t even have sex for the last eight years. Of course, like Steve Nash, I was too big a pussy to cheat on her. Eight years of jerking off into the shower and letting my dusty old jizz fly down the drain, almost like a metaphor for my life itself. EIGHT.

1.) I Never Loved Bev, That’s What Hurts The Most

Bev and I were never in love. I mean, she wanted a family and I wanted people to stop asking why I was bringing my roommate Brian home for Christmas every year. So, it worked out I guess. I wonder what Brian is doing now. I hear he got married to his new roommate a few years back. I didn’t know one day roommates would be able to get married. Now it’s too late for me. Just like the Lakers. It’s time for us both to just let the chips fall and finish up this season with whatever degree of dignity we can muster.

-Sport Van Bloggerson