217 – What If…You Have A Terrible Father?

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What If…You Have A terrible Father?
This is the 217th episode of Being A Better Man and I got to thinking that I may not have ever explained why I do the show in the way that I do.  Basically, I am making the kind of podcast that I would like to listen to.  There isn’t a lot of small talk, there isn’t a lot of music or other production type things. 
When I tune into a podcast I personally don’t like it when there is a lot of jibber jabber…I like it when they get right to the point and talk about whatever the topic is.  So, that’s how I make Being A Better Man.  As a result, these episodes are shorter, but I think I usually say more in 15 minutes than many podcast do in 45.  I respect your time, and I don’t want to waste it.  I’m not saying this is either right or wrong…it’s just how I do it, and now you know why.
Yesterday was Father’s day in America and people everywhere were celebrating their dads.  Many of you who are father’s were celebrated too, and I think that is a great thing.  Fatherhood is something worthy of celebration and recognition. 
There is something else I think about whenever Father’s day rolls around though.  I was fortunate to have a fantastic father, but I can’t help but think about all the people who did not have great dads.  Guys who didn’t even know their fathers.  People who’s father died when they were young.  People who have mean or abusive fathers.  Fathers in prison, or fathers who abandoned them.  I think about all these people on father’s day, because it must be kind of rough for them.
I try to put myself in the shoes of a person who has a father that is not worthy of celebration.  What is it like when the rest of the country and everyone on social media is talking about what a great dad they have.  I try to imagine what that must be like—but I can’t, not really, because that is not my experience.  This episode is dedicated to everyone out there in this situation though.  I want you to know that you are not forgotten.
It’s not fun to talk about, but the fact is that there are a lot of crappy father’s out there.  I personally know several men who have grown up without the benefit of a good father.  It’s a real problem, it is definitely a handicap.  I applaud all the single moms out there who are doing their very best to take up the slack.  It’s tough though, it’s a tough deal all around.
The good news is that it is not the end of the world.  Like any other situation, you have choices.  You may be lacking the example a good father can provide, but you can still choose to prevail and excel in spite of that situation.  I know this is true because I have seen men do it.
There are many things you can do, one of those things is to adopt a father.  By that I mean be on the lookout for an older man that you respect and look up to.  Become his friend, allow him to mentor you.  Study his examples and ask him questions and use him as a resource.  There might be some men that are not interested in being anyones mentor, but I believe the majority of good men would be flattered and appreciate the opportunity to pass along what they have learned in life to someone willing to listen. 
Another thing you can do is reject the impulse to be defined by your adversity.  Instead use the adversity and the emotional energy caused by it in a positive way.  Decide to be the best man you possibly can because you had a terrible father or an absent father.  It’s possible to take the injustices you have suffered in your life and use them as fuel, as motivation to be the opposite of that injustice, to achieve excellence in spite of these things.
Of course it’s easier said than done, there are many different degrees of damage having no father or a bad father can cause.  Some people may need therapy to work things out and I strongly encourage that, especially if you feel like you can’t rise above it on your own.  You need to do whatever...

What If…You Have A terrible Father?
This is the 217th episode of Being A Better Man and I got to thinking that I may not have ever explained why I do the show in the way that I do.  Basically, I am making the kind of podcast that I would like to listen to.  There isn’t a lot of small talk, there isn’t a lot of music or other production type things. 
When I tune into a podcast I personally don’t like it when there is a lot of jibber jabber…I like it when they get right to the point and talk about whatever the topic is.  So, that’s how I make Being A Better Man.  As a result, these episodes are shorter, but I think I usually say more in 15 minutes than many podcast do in 45.  I respect your time, and I don’t want to waste it.  I’m not saying this is either right or wrong…it’s just how I do it, and now you know why.
Yesterday was Father’s day in America and people everywhere were celebrating their dads.  Many of you who are father’s were celebrated too, and I think that is a great thing.  Fatherhood is something worthy of celebration and recognition. 
There is something else I think about whenever Father’s day rolls around though.  I was fortunate to have a fantastic father, but I can’t help but think about all the people who did not have great dads.  Guys who didn’t even know their fathers.  People who’s father died when they were young.  People who have mean or abusive fathers.  Fathers in prison, or fathers who abandoned them.  I think about all these people on father’s day, because it must be kind of rough for them.
I try to put myself in the shoes of a person who has a father that is not worthy of celebration.  What is it like when the rest of the country and everyone on social media is talking about what a great dad they have.  I try to imagine what that must be like—but I can’t, not really, because that is not my experience.  This episode is dedicated to everyone out there in this situation though.  I want you to know that you are not forgotten.
It’s not fun to talk about, but the fact is that there are a lot of crappy father’s out there.  I personally know several men who have grown up without the benefit of a good father.  It’s a real problem, it is definitely a handicap.  I applaud all the single moms out there who are doing their very best to take up the slack.  It’s tough though, it’s a tough deal all around.
The good news is that it is not the end of the world.  Like any other situation, you have choices.  You may be lacking the example a good father can provide, but you can still choose to prevail and excel in spite of that situation.  I know this is true because I have seen men do it.
There are many things you can do, one of those things is to adopt a father.  By that I mean be on the lookout for an older man that you respect and look up to.  Become his friend, allow him to mentor you.  Study his examples and ask him questions and use him as a resource.  There might be some men that are not interested in being anyones mentor, but I believe the majority of good men would be flattered and appreciate the opportunity to pass along what they have learned in life to someone willing to listen. 
Another thing you can do is reject the impulse to be defined by your adversity.  Instead use the adversity and the emotional energy caused by it in a positive way.  Decide to be the best man you possibly can because you had a terrible father or an absent father.  It’s possible to take the injustices you have suffered in your life and use them as fuel, as motivation to be the opposite of that injustice, to achieve excellence in spite of these things.
Of course it’s easier said than done, there are many different degrees of damage having no father or a bad father can cause.  Some people may need therapy to work things out and I strongly encourage that, especially if you feel like you can’t rise above it on your own.  You need to do whatever you need to do in order to be the best man that you can.  I know it is possible though, because other men have done it.
Another thing I recommend that I have seen happen with my own two eyes, is to learn everything you can about fatherhood.  This might help you understand your own situation a bit better, but also do this in preparation for when you have children of your own, to be everything that your father wasn’t. 
I think the best thing a person who survived a bad father experience can do, is become the best father they can be to their own children.  When you do that, you win.  You break the cycle and render all the bad acts and injustices suffered by you into something irrelevant.  You have turned something negative into something positive, and the evidence of that exists in your own children.  That is a victory of the highest order.
There is one thing that I will strongly caution you against.  In my opinion the worst thing you can do if you were a man raised without a father or with a bad one, is to use that as an excuse for your own bad behavior.  If you do that, you have lost the battle.  You will have become a victim of your situation, and of your own choices.  Once you become a man you can no longer use someone else’s actions as an excuse for your own, it doesn’t wash.
As far as father’s day goes.  I would suggest you try and be happy for all your friends that have great fathers, even if you didn’t.  Be happy for them and take some comfort in the proof it provides that all men are not like your father, and all children do not have to go through what you did.  Also, cling to this evidence because it is also proof that with effort and focus, you can also be a great father in spite of whatever you have gone through.
Now head out into the world and regardless if you had a great father or no father at all, know that the only person responsible for what you become, is you.  Know that with effort and focus you can be a better man today than you were yesterday.  If you keep doing that every day, you will become the best man you are capable of being, and the world will be a slightly better place because of it.
Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon.

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