“Love Endures” – my interview with Mary Lou Bonham

I’m pleased to bring you the thinking of Mary Lou Bonham, a psychotherapist who also happens to be my sister. She and I will talk among other things about what it was like growing up on a Low-German Mennonite leprosy station in Paraguay, South America. Our parents were medical missionaries who did heroic things in the world, like revolutionizing how leprosy is treated on the planet today. But there are always costs associated with greatness it seems, and some of those costs we bore as their kids.

Despite our similar parentage and history, Mary Lou’s story is actually quite different than mine. We each found our own distinctive path toward healing. And as a professional psychotherapist, she helps us understand some of the reasons why this was the case and what we can all learn from it.

The following is a taste of my conversation with Mary Lou.

Q: How did growing up with German, Paraguayan and North American identities influence how you understand who you are?
Mary Lou: Those of us who grow up with multiple identities are very comfortable in many places, but not at home anywhere.

Q: What does reconciliation mean to you?
Mary Lou: Self-abandonment is never the path forward toward reconciliation. In order to truly reconcile with another, you must bring your whole self forward. And that may be so difficult that a relationship is hardly possible. It may be very limited because it depends on the capacity of both parties. The depth that you can achieve through reconciliation is not within your control alone.

Q: What was at the root of our father’s frequent bursts of anger?
Mary Lou: I think we have two basic ways in which our needs can be met. One is through vulnerably asking for help and support. The other is through power and control. Our father was incapable of being vulnerable, so control was his go-to. Anger is a very powerful tool when you're trying to control your environment.

Q: How do you understand the role of crises in our lives?
Mary Lou: We all hate crises. Crises suck. They're the worst. But they're also transformative. So, they are a gift. If I had not hit rock bottom in my life, I think I would have had to limp along for a very long time with all of my stuff, and maybe slowly I could have worked through it. But the full-on crisis was transformative.

When asked if there’s one last thing she’d like our listeners to hear, Mary Lou says, “There is a quote from one of the saints that says, ‘All is well, and all is well, and all manner of things will be well.’ If all things are not well, it is not yet the end.”

Mary Lou Bonham is a multi-lingual psychotherapist based in Portland, Oregon.