Yeah... No. No, I am NOT the F*&% Okay.

Yeah... No. No, I am not the f*&% okay. I've never been more NOT okay in my life... I want to jump from a bridge. Really. I won't. Yet, I want to... I haven't been okay for about 4 weeks. First it was a hole in my face and then I heard news I never wanted to hear again... 

Ever since a large cyst was removed from my lower right cheek - close to my jaw line - I have hidden from the world with intense feelings of being ugly and unattractive.

For most, hearing the f*&%ing "C" word is very shocking news and it can be hard to bear... Even if you thought it might happen, actually hearing it from your doctor can still be extremely upsetting... F*&% Cancer. Seriously... Just f*&% Cancer!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some people (like me) go silent. They can't believe what they are hearing and they don’t know what to say or do. Some people (like me) start to hysterically cry and feel as though they won’t be able to stop. Some people (like me) become angry and scared. Or some (like me) feel numb, as though they have no emotions. These are all very common and natural reactions...

So is suicide... Suicide risk among cancer patients is estimated to be twice as likely than with other potentially fatal diseases - with the immediate time period after the cancer diagnosis being the most critical. This is a very touchy topic and one that is often stupidly taboo. 

Since I firmly believe in opening up any conversation (even tough ones), releasing this podcast is the first step towards alleviating a problem and helping society have better mental health awareness when it comes to dealing with major illnesses and debilitating health challenges.

Oncology social workers have spent several hours checking in on me and getting me connected to the proper mental health services to help me cope... If you have recently been diagnosed with the f*&%ing "C" word, please know you are not alone. I am in this with you and together we can share in each other's burdens and struggles - I promise, you are NOT alone.

My best current coping strategies are:

Giving myself time to take in what is happening. Admitting I'm absolutely NOT the f*&% okay - and that's okay.Knowing I don't have to talk about it... I can sit comfortably in silence.Acknowledging the elephant in the room - my suicidal thoughts and a pattern of reckless and risky behaviors, such as driving too fast. Sharing in a proper support group - which is essential to my survival and recovery.Recognizing the need for a Suicide Prevention and Safety Plan at this moment in my life.Spending time with those I enjoy, talking to my family and friends, and allowing others to help me deal with the news - Isolation isn't healing... Love - receiving and giving - heals.Accepting that my peeps are very upset too. For real, they don't know what to say and feel as shocked and overwhelmed as I do.And as hard as it is, NOT pushing my emotions aside completely... Allowing myself to be totally bat sh#t crazzzzyyy because it is far better to express how I actually feel (even if it is upsetting to others) so I can cope and learn to manage it.Lastly, affirming daily that my emotions will change - I won't always feel the way I currently feel. 

If you are struggling - for whatever reason - please know you are not alone. You are never alone. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 24 hours/365 days and available in English and Spanish. Call 1-800-273-8255 to speak with someone - there is always someone willing to listen to your pain, hurts, fears, struggles, etc. Feelings of hopelessness doesn't mean life is hopeless... You don't need to struggle alone. You matter too!!!

Support the show (https://www.buymeacoffee.com/Sweetsparkle)