225: Don't Let Mom Guilt Stop You! Meet Alisha Fernandez Miranda, (Mom 2.0 Speaker)

Ever feel that pang of guilt when you finally score a kid-free getaway with girlfriends? How about when you go away to a conference and that means missing your son's trumpet solo? Big confession. I recently went to a conference and missed my kid’s solo. Yep, I felt mom guilt especially while I watched the livestream, but as a mom of three, I knew I was doing my best and that this conference (ironically the Mom 2.0 conference) was a big deal for my book and business. And (further justifications) it wasn't an on-stage solo in front of an audience...it was a Saturday morning classroom solo in front of a teacher. All of this to say, yes, mom guilt still continues to pop up for me when I pick career over family (and it doesn’t even happen a lot!), and yet it's a constant juggle. So imagine this: what if you had a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to live in another country without your family to explore your childhood career dreams? Sounds impossible? Would that make you feel guilty? This episode tackles the monster called "mom guilt."

Enter Alisha Fernandez Miranda, a super-achiever mom of twins who decided to hit pause on her high-powered CEO career at 40. We delve into her story and ask the lingering questions: Does mom guilt ever truly fade? Is self-care a selfish act, or a necessity? Most importantly, can our actions teach our kids valuable life lessons that words simply can't? Tune in to episode 225 for an honest conversation that will empower you to embrace motherhood on your own terms.

Let's connect on Instagram! https://www.instagram.com/melissallarena/

In This Episode You Will Uncover:

-How to navigate the guilt of pursuing your own passions as a mom, especially if it means taking time away from your family.
-The importance of role modeling and showing your children how to live a fulfilling life, even if it means taking risks.
-Why it's better to try something and fail than to never try anything at all.

This Episode is Perfect For You If:

-You're a mom who feels stuck in a rut and longs to pursue your own interests.
-You're wondering if it's possible to chase your dreams while still being a good parent.
-You're looking for inspiration to break free from self-doubt and create a life you love.

Key Points:

-Many moms struggle to find inspiration for pursuing their own dreams because the media often portrays women who achieve success without children.
-The guilt of leaving your family can be a major obstacle, but sometimes the risk of not following your dreams is greater.
-By taking action and showing your children how to live a fulfilling life, you can inspire them to do the same.
-It's okay to fail, and in fact, it can be a valuable learning experience.
Taking time for yourself can ultimately make you a better parent.

This episode is brought to you by Fertile Imagination: A Guide for Stretching Every Mom's Superpower for Maximum Impact, which reached the #1 spot as an Amazon bestseller in both the motherhood and women and business categories! Woo hoo! And if this episode deeply resonates with you, then you are definitely invited to read my book, Fertile Imagination! In my humble opinion, I believe double-fisting Alisha's book The What If Year and mine, Fertile Imagination, would make for an epically fun weekend of reading. Dive into Alisha's adventures and live vicariously through a fellow mom, and then turn to my personal framework to help you think about your best first step on getting your imagination fired up about your own adventure!

As I alluded to earlier, this episode tackles the struggle of mom guilt that tugs at our hearts, even when we deserve a getaway or break from adulting! I’ve been there too!

Moreover, I, Melissa, share a vulnerable moment straight from my book, Fertile Imagination, where I spent Sundays unlocking a surprising talent. And guess what? It was totally worth it!

Intrigued to discover your own hidden mom superpower?

Head over to https://www.melissallarena.com/fertileideas/ and grab a FREE chapter of Fertile Imagination. It's your guide to maximizing your impact as a mom. Imagine achieving goals you never thought possible, all while rocking motherhood on YOUR terms.

Download your free chapter today and ignite your fertile imagination!

https://www.melissallarena.com/fertileideas/

 

Official bio for Alisha Fernandez Miranda

ALISHA FERNANDEZ MIRANDA is the author of My What If Year, featured on Good Morning America, CNN, MSNBC, NPR and as one of People’s Best Books. She is the host of podcasts Extra Shot with Alisha Fernandez Miranda and the award-winning Quit Your Day Job. Alisha also serves as chair and former CEO of I.G. Advisors, a social impact intelligence agency that consults with the world’s biggest nonprofits, foundations, and corporations on their philanthropy and social initiatives. A graduate of Harvard University and the London School of Economics, her writing has appeared in Vogue, Marie Claire, Insider, Romper and Huffington Post. Originally from Miami, Alisha currently lives in Scotland with her husband and children. Follow Alisha on Instagram @alishafmiranda and her website at www.alishafmiranda.com.

TRANSCRIPT

Alisha Fernandez Miranda. I am excited to have you on the podcast, and I feel like you need to like stamp my passport. Where are we going? Where are you located? Let's chat. Let's chat. Thank you so much, Melissa, for having me. I am in Edinburgh, Scotland right now. Behind me, it's like hurricane force winds blowing outside, which is sort of typical, typical Wednesday for January in Scotland.

Yeah, kind of, sort of like, uh, Canada, actually,  so it's, it's interesting, but Alisha, I am so excited to have you here. When I saw your profile, cause I know you're going to be attending probably like mom 2. 0, right? Yes,

I'm going to be there this year. I was like, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. There's like this like twinsie of me somewhere in, in Europe.

So that's a good thing. Cause I want to eventually land there. But when I saw that you wrote the book, my what if year, I was just like, Holy mother of guacamole. This is so cool. Like, this is like really, really cool. So why don't you share with listeners just a little bit about my what if year, and then we'll go into maybe like what has stopped a lot of moms from pursuing their own what if years.

Totally. So  I guess the story really kind of started for me in 2019. I was living in London. I had done the expat thing. I grew up in Miami  and moved to London in 2008. I was the mom of my twins who were eight years old at the time. I was CEO of a business I had founded with my husband and we were kind of consulting to the biggest foundations and wealthy people, companies, nonprofits, all on social impact and philanthropy and how to give away money a bit better, which was an interesting job.

And I sort of, I had done. All of the things that I had said I was going to do in my life. I had my list. I had checked everything off my list and I found myself approaching 40 and thinking, oh my God, is this really where I want to be? Then of course, feeling horribly guilty about. Thinking, is this really where I want to be?

Which we can definitely talk about. Cause I think a lot of moms can relate to that.  And I just sort of had this moment where I was like, what, what, what were all the things that I didn't do that I had maybe always wanted to do? And is it really too late to try them? Or could I do this crazy thing, which is to take a year and through a series of little small.

Sabbaticals, I was calling them, could I go try out all the jobs I wanted to do when I was a kid and never got a chance to do the things that I really loved, like working on a musical or working in the art industry. And so that was my what if year. It was an attempt to explore these paths that I never got to explore and to do internships at the jobs I had always dreamed of doing.

So all of that sounds like so theoretically amazing. It's like, I want to just the, the abort mission, but, and I guess you could say on life and I just want to go and be in Cirque du Soleil. That's what I wanted to do. Actually. I have that in my own book, fertile imagination. I didn't do it just let's just to be clear.

You haven't done it yet. That's true. I am working on mobility, so you never know what's up for me. But that was like my thing, right? I was like, Oh, how cool would it be Cirque du Soleil?  And, and I have other, I have a list of other things too, but there was, there was nothing, I never saw any woman, certainly any mom, Nor any Latina do something where she was away from her kids for such a long time during a time when they still needed her,  right?

And 40, my goodness. So 40 years old, like how far could someone go 40? I'm just curious from your own perspective, like what sort of things were like, okay. Within the realm of possibilities for a mom versus what you did.

I mean, it's such a good question because the guilt was real and the  feeling that my primary responsibility was always to my family, no matter what, even if that meant putting myself further down the list.

It was just, I had just accepted that. I had accepted that that was the case. Without really stopping to think, what are the implications on my family? If I am a person who is not happy with my life and not feeling complete in myself or full in myself. So, I mean, of course, who are the people that had done this kind of like, They press the abort button on their life, right?

Okay, you have like Elizabeth Gilbert who wrote Eat Pray Love, not Latina. Didn't have kids, I don't think either.  But she went, she took a year. She went to eat pasta in Italy and to India. And then she went to Bali and fell in love with a hot surfer. And that was the end of that book. But that was not a possibility for me.

Neither was the Cheryl Strayed Wild. Also not Latina. Also no children. Because there was no way I was going to sleep in a tent for like a year at a time. But again, she left to deal with her grief. And she walked the Pacific Coast, the Pacific Crest Trail. And this idea of literally blowing up my whole life, that was off the table for me.

Because I love my children. I love my husband. And I was so conscious that whatever I did was going to be  at best inconvenient for them. And at worst, a really big deal. for their day to day lives, if I was going to leave and go try these things. And so I was very, very conscious of that. It wasn't like I was just like, Meh, screw you all, like I'm going off to Italy to eat all the pasta.

So when I started thinking about what this experience was going to be for me, I had a plan. I had, Months of planning, of fitting everything in, of figuring out who was going to pick up my kids from dance and soccer on the different days when my husband had to work, of organizing everything, of figuring out how to do my internships at the same time as their vacations from school, so they could come with me and join me.

This was like a beautiful color coded plan because I wasn't willing. To really throw their happiness out. I could never, I could never have done that to them and I couldn't have enjoyed myself if I knew that that was the case. Now, of course, I say all of this and then I'll tell you my first internship started on February 29th, 2020.

So all of my careful plans went completely out the window as soon as the pandemic hit, but definitely.  I was very, I was putting myself first, but only to a certain extent. I was very conscious that I didn't want my kids and my husband to be collateral damage somehow to my desire to go and chase these opportunities.

 

And it's so interesting because it's, it's true. Like, it's like, who is it that you look towards as inspiration for what's possible in your life? And me too, for, for some odd reason, I don't know if it's just like a quirk, but like, I look at these like billionaires that have no children whatsoever that are men as like, Oh, why can't I be like Tom Bilyeu?

 

And it's like, Hello, you have three kids, two of whom are identical twins who are 10 years old. You live in Austin and there's just no way for you to create a fitness bar or a protein bar without high fructose corn syrup without breaking some nails, right? Cause the machinery that Tom  broke and used, I wouldn't do.

 

So it's, it's just a weird, it's super weird, right? Like what a, what an interesting thing to kind of compare yourself. Those articles that are like advice from successful CEOs. And one of the things that, and they're almost always men. And one of the things that they'll say is get up an hour early, get up at 5 AM to start working and start your day and exercise and clear your head.

 

And I'm like, if I'm getting up early, I'm making breakfast for people. I'm feeding the dog. The kids are getting ready for school. So that's, that's not possible in my life. I think you can be a successful CEO, by the way. And still have all those responsibilities, but that model, that inspiration, it's, it's not really meant, I think, for people like us, at least it hasn't been historically.

 

Yeah, which is why we have to kind of carve our own path. So as a mom with two kids who were eight years old, who started this adventure right when the pandemic hit ultimately. And at that, you started with. theater as your first internship, which I think listeners can now appreciate had a big hiatus, right?

 

During that time,  how did you sort of navigate the mom guilt? And then also just like the regular guilt, because this was a very unique timeframe. And I'm saying that 1000 times unique once in a lifetime  timeframe. Right. As far as being away from family when there was a lot of uncertainty and fear. So why don't you share a couple of stories about that?

 

I felt,  I felt, I felt so guilty at every point. I mean, I felt guilty for even thinking that I maybe wanted to. A life that looked different because I had been brought up to always be grateful and appreciative of what you have and what you have been given. My dad was a Cuban immigrant. I grew up in a family where that story of we left everything to come here and give you a better life.

 

And you need to work hard to get to the point where you don't ever have to do that and be appreciative and grateful for everything we've done and what you have. That was my. like cornerstone mythology of my entire childhood. So I felt guilty even for, for thinking.  This thought that I was unhappy, that was like something that I shouldn't be, I shouldn't be thinking that.

 

That's just being ungrateful for everything I have. And so I felt guilty even from the inception. I felt guilty about doing something that was about putting my needs, even for a short period of time ahead of my family, even though I did not abandon them completely.  I felt guilty about all of those things.

 

And I like to joke always that my dad is Cuban and grew up Catholic. My mom is Jewish. And so I have the most guilt. I have Catholic guilt and Jewish guilt. It's like all the guilt forever.  But at the same time, I could recognize, finally, after a lot of thinking and soul searching, that I was not in a good place in myself.

 

I was not happy. I was not being the best mom I could be, or the best wife I could be, or the best me that I could be. Because I felt like I was treading water in my own life, and I was living a life that I had signed up for, but wasn't right for me anymore. And so, really, I got to the point where it felt like the risk of not doing something was greater than the risk of doing something.

 

And this worry that I was always going to feel this way, or maybe even worse, became so great that I just knew, I That it was going to be worth the kind of short term inconvenience for my family as it, as it was going to be worth it to have this experience. Now, right before I left, like the night before I left, my husband and I were sitting on the sofa, and at the time, You're thinking back like late February 2020, China had already been in lockdown for a month.

 

Italy had gone into lockdown. Iran was, I think, in some sort of lockdown. But there was still, people were still saying like, oh, it's going to be contained to these three countries. This is not going to spread. It's going to be very small. The idea that the pandemic would have happened on such a scale was so far from our heads.

 

But I did have a conversation with my husband and I said, do you not want me to go? Do you want me to stay behind?  And then I held my breath. Because I was so worried he was going to say, yeah, I think you should stay, which I was going to be devastated if that was the case. Theater was like my dream, the dream of the all the dreams.

 

It was the dream to be able to be part of a production. And I had these incredible opportunities to be part of two shows about to open on Broadway and off Broadway. And so I went and then. The whole time I was there, I kind of had my fingers in my ears until the very end. Things were getting worse.  My husband was definitely freaking out.

 

And I was like, nothing's happening.  Everything's fine. This is all going to blow over. It's not going to be a big deal. And it wasn't until things got really bad. That I decided to leave. And then the following day, before I got on my plane, they announced that all the Broadway theaters were closing for what was initially going to be a period of, I think, four weeks.

 

And then of course ended up being, I want to say 21 months altogether before everything got back to normal. normal.  But yeah, I mean, I was a little bit in denial and I, I, the thing is I felt guilty anyway. I felt guilty, but I did it anyway. Right? Like that's how I navigated the guilt. I never stopped feeling guilty.

 

I just knew that it was important. And so I was able to push the guilt to the side. and do what I knew I needed to do.  Yeah, and,

 

and I was wondering about that. So like, kind of like exposure therapy, like, do you feel that it got a little bit easier the first time you're like, Oh, okay, everybody survived.

 

And then the next time and the next time. So do you feel like it got easier during that time?

 

I don't know. I don't know that it's gotten easier. The first time I went on a work trip after the twins were born, they were about  not quite 18 months old, I think. And I had a new job that I had started and I went to China and my husband was in, we were in London at the time with the kids and I flew for a kajillion hours to get there.

 

I got there like in the middle of the night and I pick up the phone to call home and it's like a disaster zone at home. Like, They've already been to the, the emergency doctor with my daughter who has like a horrible cough and her nose is blocked and she can't breathe the, and now Carlos is starting to feel sick and I was so upset and like, I have to get on, I have to get on a plane home.

 

I have to go home right away. And of course I couldn't do that. I had other responsibilities. He was like, look, it's going to be fine. You don't need to come home. You're not going to get home in time anyway. Continue with this trip. So I've always had that fear that something has gone wrong. And sometimes stuff has.

 

I went to Paris once on a girl's trip with my daughter and my son broke his arm. And thank God he didn't need surgery, but he was in the emergency room with my husband for several, I mean, like stuff has gone wrong. Even in the book, as soon as I get to New York on my internship, my kids have terrible food poisoning and they have thrown up all over the house.

 

They're all three in bed together, my husband and the twins and. He eventually they had to get that room professionally cleaned before I got home because it was so it was so disgusting. Okay, so stuff goes wrong. It does go wrong. It still goes wrong, and I don't know that it gets easier because my kids are 12 now, and for whatever reason, it feels like they miss me more sometimes when I go away.

 

Now, I don't know if it's that they're better able to articulate how they're feeling than they were when they were little or what. So it's it's.  I know that things are going to be okay. That has changed. I know the more times I do it, that everybody will survive. But I'm not sure it really gets easier. The thing that is easier is that I've seen The positive impact of taking these moments for myself, whether it's a work trip that I need to do, or just going to spend a weekend with my girlfriends because I haven't seen them in a long time, or sometimes meeting my parents somewhere that I wasn't able to do.

 

I mean, they're so rejuvenating. They helped me reset. They helped me come back into my life and myself, uh, feeling better and doing better all around. And I think that's, what's gotten easier because I know that it's worth it. Yeah.  So even if I still feel guilty about leaving them and I still worry about what's going to go wrong, I know now that I've done it so many times for really fantastic experiences that I would do it again.

 

And I think anyone that's listening, that's inspired by this, I think you don't have to necessarily. Go away for an entire year. We could do this like baby steps. What I mean? It's like you nurse your kid or you bottle feed your kid and then you introduce solid slowly. So it's kind of the same idea for us.

 

I know in my case, in my book, Fertile Imagination, like I decided to actually take storytelling classes at Magnet Theater in Midtown in Koreatown. Love it. Yeah. And it was nine Sundays and I was coming from Connecticut. I like to call it fancy town, Connecticut, and it was a schlep, right? And so the whole idea is I know that on Sunday, technically, if I followed a certain script, like I was supposed to be at home, I don't even know, either washing the walls or like being at a soccer field or like something, right?

 

Making pancakes for somebody, for sure.

 

Right, in the shape of their desired animal farm person, right? Or whatever. I'm thinking dinosaurs and I'm just saying animal farm. I'm like, I'm a city girl. I can't help it. So yeah. And it's kind of like just doing that, like on weekends, for goodness sakes, it's not saying I'm out an entire year, but you could work your way up.

 

If you start noticing that, wait a minute, when I got back home and I saw my kids, I was happier.  I had stories to tell, what I mean? So there, there are benefits and it's not all one sided, but it takes courage because then, yeah, maybe, maybe you are not the mom who's doing the things with the other moms and you might feel a little bit like an outsider, but again, was it worth it?

 

And what I'm hearing from you, Alicia, is that it was worth it to actually take action in your life that might go against what. Other individuals may have done before with children that are Latina. And so I'm curious in terms of really what your, my, what if your experience showed your kids, like, why do you, what do you think is the difference?

 

Right? Cause we could tell our kids like, Hey, when you turn 40. I mean, granted it's very far ahead, but like 40, that's so old. I know. Right. So, okay, fine. So, Hey, when you go to college, you could do a gap year, for example. Right. Like that's something that I've heard people say, and, and that's one thing, right, you're saying it to them, but what if you actually like did it yourself?

 

And so for you, Alicia, like, I know they're still young, they're 12, but what do you think is the difference between showing versus telling? A. K. also how to write a good

 

book.  I mean, I think, okay. So I remember like when my kids were, when they were babies, I was like, I'm never going to let them eat like junk food because I grew up only eating junk food, but if I eat junk food, my kids, turns out they also like some junk food.

 

Now we don't eat a lot of junk food, but. There's only a certain point that you can tell your kids, wouldn't you rather have this carrot stick than a pack of McDonald's French fries. If you're sitting there eating the McDonald's French fries, they're going to realize that maybe you're not being completely true and authentic to yourself.

 

So I do think that kids receive information so much better. From modeling and from you showing them how to do it. And the thing is that my kids went on this journey with me. They were, I was away for different parts of it, but even the times that I wasn't with them, we were talking on the phone every day and then I would come home and talk to them about what I was doing.

 

And subsequently they got to come on my book tour. They've heard, heard me talk about this book more than I'm sure they'd ever liked to in the world, but they. watched me decide to do something different. They watched me try my hand at these varied jobs, many of which I was very bad at, like very, very bad at.

 

And they watched me fail, and they watched me dust myself off and stand back up and go back the next day and do the thing.  To me, that is the most important lesson that I hope they have taken from this and that I try to instill on them is that  it is better to try something and fail at it than to not try anything at all.

 

That you are not going to be good at everything and that's okay. And that the most important thing in your life is not necessarily picking the job, doing it perfectly and sticking with it on that path, no matter what happens, then no matter how you feel and that they know that when they're adults and hopefully have families of their own, that they are important people, both my son and my daughter and their needs also matter.

 

And I just was in the U S last week. Doing a bunch of different work things and some fun book stuff and my son and I had, I had, I did a talk at the IFC, the International Finance Corporation for my what if year, it was amazing. And the day before my son was like, why can't you just tell them you're sick and cancel and come home early because I want you to come home so you can come and see my hockey match.

 

And I was like, okay, so not only would that be. Completely setting aside my responsibilities, but also I want to be here. This is important to me. I want to be able to share this experience with people. This is why I did it. Why I wrote the book. Not why I did the internships, but why I wrote the book. And so, no, I'm not going to tell them I'm sick and come home early because this is important to me.

 

And making sure that they are seeing me choose myself sometimes, I am hoping is going to give them that Permission or awareness that when they get to a point in their lives, when they are caring for other people, too, that they know they also can choose themselves sometimes. And that's okay.

 

Yeah, I love it.

 

I think, I think what you said as far as like the, they saw you maybe like,  Either fail or, or have errors and stuff, but then like, decide to like, get back up again, like watching you do that. I don't think it, I don't think it could be replaced with words. I mean, that's like resilience in action. That's resilience while mommy ing.

 

Yeah, resilience while mommy ing, I love it.

 

Yeah. Yeah. And, and it's just like, it's beautiful. And, and I witnessed it with my own mom because she has a mental illness. And so every time she'd get into an episode, she had to like dust herself off in, in very dramatic ways. But then it gives you a sense as a kid, it's like, huh, I'm related to that.

 

Maybe I got a little bit of that in me too. Right.

 

100%. There's beauty. That's how I, I think, I think that  a large part of the reason I have  such resilience, and I do feel like I'm a very resilient person, so far so good, is because I came from a family that I, I grew up hearing all of the stories of my grandmother, my dad, and his siblings, and my, my grandfather, and how they, how they, you know, Left everything behind.

 

They left Cuba with a suitcase each and nothing else and moved to a country where they didn't speak the language and they had to just pick themselves up and they had, they had no other choice but to do that. And that, knowing that that's part of me, that's inside of me somewhere,  has always made me feel A lot more capable of dealing with challenge, I think, because I know there's got to be something in there that came from them that is propelling me forward.

 

And I know that I have that, and I want my kids to know that's part of who you are. You come from a long line of people who have failed at things and had to move forward, and that is, I think, the best gift that I could give them, if that's a realization that they take from this whole thing. Definitely. I love it.

 

Alicia, where can people continue to follow your story and purchase the My What

 

If Year book?  Well, you can get my book anywhere that you get books. You can get it at a bookstore. You can get it online at bookshop. org or Amazon if you want. You can listen to me on audiobook if you enjoy this. It's me reading it, so it's basically just like nine hours of this or however long the book goes for.

 

And you can find me on my website, which is aliciafmiranda. com or my Instagram at aliciafmiranda. And that's A L I S H A I'm named after a shoe store. It's not because that name has anything to do with anything else.

 

I love it. Fun facts. Appreciate it so much, Alicia. Have an awesome Scottish day.

 

Yeah, well, let's see if I can survive the wind and rain.

 

Thank you so much for having me. Oh, thank you.

 

You're awesome.  That was great.

 

Here are the three things that really stood out for me in terms of this conversation. The first one is, it's true. I have seen a lot of non Latina moms who decide to actually go and live in Europe or press abort mission on their lives, like that we see in the media.

 

But there's not too many Latina moms who have been portrayed, not even in Hollywood, as making this idea okay to choose yourself every once in a while and not have to struggle with so much mom guilt and let it hold you back. Second point is there is this point where if you really think about it, When you weigh the risk of doing something for yourself versus not doing something for yourself, there's that, that point where the risk of not doing it might outweigh the risk of doing it and the inconvenience of doing it.

 

When I lived in Australia with my family, when we all went abroad, it was highly inconvenient to sell every single article of furniture that I had. It was highly inconvenient to find brand new schools, but The risk of not doing it would have meant that my kids would have never been exposed to a completely different culture or side of the world.

 

And for that, I'm grateful. Here's the third point. In terms of, you know, does it get easier, right, with mom guilt. So Alicia said it best in that it might not get easier, but you do appreciate the fact that things will be okay.  Having more. evidence that things will be okay if you choose yourself and you're away from your kids just builds your confidence and gives you this sense that, okay, I might be feeling this emotion of mom guilt.

 

However, as in the past, things have been okay. So I hope you enjoyed this conversation. And I want to hear from you. Like, do you suffer from mom guilt? Is it particularly hard or when it's unrelated to doing something that you have to do, like building your business? Like, what if you wanted to all of a sudden take tennis lessons?

 

Like, is that the point where thickly? Let me know on Instagram at Melissa Llarena. I would love to hear from you.