See Her First

We continue with the theme that VeAhavta LeRe’echa Kamocha/ Love your friend like you love yourself also applies to one’s spouse- and not only does it apply, but rather, it’s one of the primary focuses of VeAhavta LeRe’echa Kamocha. We see this from a Gemarah in Masechet Kiddushin (41a): In the days of old, it was common for a person to send a messenger to find a wife, as we see with Eliezer, the servant of Abraham, who was sent as a messenger to get Rivka Imenu for Yitzhak Avinu. The messenger brings back the wife, but does the he actually make the kiddushin ? Does the messenger actually make the marriage? The Gemarah says, “It is forbidden for a man to marry a woman before seeing her .” You can’t trust the messenger. You have to see her for yourself, because it’s possible that when you see her, you might see something that disgusts you, and then she will be disgusting in your eyes. And the Torah says, VeAhavta LeRe’echa Kamocha. If you’re going to be married, but you aren’t going to love your wife because she is not attractive to you (because you did not see her before you got married), you will end up living a life in sin - the sin of disliking your wife. So VeAhavta LeRe’echa Kamocha is specific to one’s wife. Furthermore, the Rambam, in the laws of Ishut ( chapter 15, halacha 19) says, “ Our rabbis commanded us that a man must respect his wife more than his own body and love her like his own body.” Again, we see that there is a special command of VeAhavta LeRe’echa Kamocha when it comes to a spouse. The Sefer HaBrit, in his Ma’Amar on Ahavat Re’im /Beloved Friends ( chapter 15) says that people make a mistake, because of the principle that the Rambam says, to love her like you love your body, and because of the rule of Ishto K’Gufo/ that a person’s wife is like himself (they are one unit) . A person has to be especially careful with Ve’Ahavta LeRe’echa Kamocha with his spouse. There are people who are careful to keep this Mitzvah with everybody. They love every body, except their wives, who are the exception. They disgrace their wives and reason that it’s okay because if they have a right to embarrass themselves, then they can embarrass their wives. It’s not someone other than themselves. They don’t realize that, in his words, “ The sin is too great to bear . Treating your wife improperly is worse than mistreating anybody else.” We are stressing this point so that people should not make the mistake of thinking it’s only their wife, so they can lash out at her, and it’s their right. That’s a mistake. VeAhavta LeRe’echa Kamocha applies to a spouse more than anyone else. Have a wonderful day.