The Evil Inside

The Evil Inside

 Omgosh!  Where to start?  The past has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it.  Anyone who has known me for long knows, I’ve struggled all my life with my weight.  A few of my friends, well actually I guess a lot of people know I struggle with memories from when I was molested.  Normally I can watch shows on TV like SVU, Law and order and it doesn’t bother me most of the time.  However, last night we watched an episode about an adopted girl finding out that her biological mother was raped and she was the outcome.  The mom was 15 when it happened and didn’t remember a lot of what happened, but slowly it all came back.  And just like that, all the memories flooded my mind.  I’m not sure why it upset me, because I really thought I had made peace with what had happened.  My molester is dead and I was doing really good. 

That is not the only thing that has me running from the evil inside.  Since May of 2020 my, our life has been turned upside down, like many people.  Everything was going fine, I organized my day with not having a job outside the house, adjusted to being at home, worked hard at trying to start a business.  I started a podcast, a website but the other thing I was proud of was that I started exercising, running and losing weight.  I fight my evil twin on a daily basis.  She like to eat, not exercise and tells me its okay to be overweight, fat and not healthy.  I guess she has be trapped.  I don’t know how to fight her.  Every day, I start with determination to not overeat, to exercise more, drink more water and just to stay on track.  Every day I weigh and that number just keeps going up.  Since November of 2020, I have gained 50 pounds.  I’ m on antidepressants and I’m just so tired of fighting everything.  I’m doing three different things to make money.  Norman has basically become disabled.  We are looking to see if he can get disability to go with his social security.  I know we will be fine but I’m just tired.  I know I can get this going, I just need a little bit of help.  I just need that one break through that give me that boost, that small step up the ladder.  I’ve been trying to remember how I got started, how I took that first step to running, to getting my exercise going, to jump start my life every day.  

Stress eats away at me, my body and my mental health.  I don’t want to give in, I want to crawl back to the top.  I miss my relocation job before COVID, but just the income.  If I had that we would be fine and the stress would probably drop some.  

So I’m pushing forward, trying to start and if it takes a new start every day until I make it two days in a row, a week , a month and a year, I will succeed.  I will defeat the evil inside. 

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Laura