273. Celebrating God's Grace, Boundaries in Relationships, Pt. I

Cindy Jacob Southworth, an AACC Certified Relationship coach with Breakwater Ministries and part of our women’s leadership team, talks to us about the benefits of setting and keeping healthy boundaries in relationships.  It is important to guard our hearts.

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Welcome to Celebrating God’s Grace, a Women World Leaders Podcast. I am your host Cindy Jacob Southworth, an AACC certified relationship coach with Breakwater Ministries, and part of the Women World Leaders leadership team, and I am coming to you from Cindy’s Porch. Today I want to talk to you about spiritual blindness, but first let’s go to God in prayer.

Father God, you are a good good Father. Speak to our hearts today about how to set and keep healthy boundaries so we can stay healthy, giving us more time and energy to serve you in your kingdom with the gifts that you have given to us. Show us your way today Father, in Jesus’ name, Amen.

I’m going to begin today’s podcast by telling you a story.

 

It was a beautiful Saturday morning. Sherry woke up excited because it was her first free day in… well she really couldn’t  remember when. Sherry was a school teacher and she had planned to spend some time at the beach with her kids. Sherry loves the beach – that’s where she goes to connect with God and enjoy His creation. The kids were all packed and looking forward to the day. Just as they were preparing to leave, the phone rang. It was her sister. She was crying because  she and her husband had been fighting. She was distraught and needed someone to talk to. This wasn’t anything new – he battled alcoholism, and these conflicts were predictable, but she really needed Sherry to lean on. The kids went back into the house, and Sherry stayed on the phone with her for over an hour – listening to every detail of their dysfunctional relationship. She asked Sherry to take her daughter for the day so she could put herself back together. Her daughter needed a ride to soccer practice. Sherry got off the phone and now the kids were fighting because they got bored waiting. Sherry told them to find some things to do while she took care of her niece. Next, Sherry’s girlfriend called and pleaded with her to take her two kids for the afternoon because she couldn’t find a sitter. Sherry spent the afternoon entertaining six kids, while looking at the mound of laundry that still needed to be done and the stack of papers that would need to be graded before Monday morning. Sherry fixed dinner for her sister. The church music director called, and they had someone call in sick, so would Sherry please fill in at the piano tomorrow. Sherry said Yes, knowing she would need to practice the hymns before she went to bed. It was now evening, and the house was a disaster from the six kids playing throughout the day. Maybe next week Sherry would make it to the beach.

 

Sherry would have received a gold medal for having no boundaries! She was frequently doing for people, and constantly feeling taken advantage of until she enrolled in a codependency group and discovered that she was teaching people how to treat her. It was Sherry that needed to learn healthy boundaries. Once she learned how to set and keep boundaries, Sherry no longer had to feel the resentment that one feels when they overextend themselves. When she first started setting boundaries, she was told by a few family members that she was being selfish, and that would hurt Sherry’s feelings. Sherry came to understand that when her response doesn’t fit their agenda, they will often try to guilt trip her into saying Yes. However, making and keeping boundaries,  gained self-respect, her health was restored, and she had peace of mind. When you can be generous with your time, energy, and resources, it is appreciated by the people who really do love you.

 

 

Ladies, Your story is being shaped by what you are saying Yes to and what you are saying No to.

 

Remember this: Someone else’s crisis is not YOUR crisis, it is THEIR crisis. Sometimes God calls you to help others through their crisis, but he’s not calling you to help every crisis. You have to put boundaries on your own time and resources because they are limited, and you have to know that God has chosen you at this place, at this time, to know when to help and when to let go.

 

People who exercise healthy boundaries can think more clearly, experience better health, have a good immune system, are less anxious or depressed, feel safe, and have the energy and desire to engage with other people, and nurture relationships.

 

So, what is a boundary?

A boundary is something we set to guard our heart.

 

“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” Proverbs 4:23 (NLT)

 

What do we need to guard?

 

Heart means our inner self. There are seven things to guard.  As I list these precious gifts that you are to guard, list any that you know you need help in setting boundaries with:

 

Your core values. There are hundreds of core values, but they center around trust, honesty, loyalty, reliability, responsibility, ethics, respect, and integrity. This constitutes our belief system and these should never be compromised.

 

Your thoughts. Our thoughts determine our actions, and our actions determine our feelings, so we need to guard our thoughts. Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23). Your heart is extremely valuable.  

 

Your emotions. Emotional boundaries involve separating your feelings from another's feelings. Violations include, taking responsibility for another's feelings, letting another's feelings dictate your own, sacrificing your own needs to please another, blaming others for your problems, and accepting responsibility for theirs.

 

Your passions. Your passions lead to living out your mission, and if you don’t protect your passions, you will likely not fulfill your mission. This requires us to “stay in our lane” and not let ourselves using our time with activities that are outside our lane.

 

Your sins and weaknesses. If we don’t set boundaries, we might repeat our mistakes.

 

Your history. If nothing changes, history will repeat itself. How many times have we tried to “save” someone from their addiction? Did it ever work? A boundary might look like, “I will not post bail for you.” I will not give you cash. I will not lie for you. You can bet that if nothing changes, nothing changes. So protect your history.

 

Your strengths, gifts. These were given to you by God to be used for His glory. Don’t give them away to “empty calorie” people. Don’t spend time volunteering for things that are outside your area of strengths. For example: If you don’t like kids, don’t take on a Sunday school class to make the pastor happy. Instead, talk to the pastor about volunteering in a space in which your gifts are used wisely.

 

For those of us who are generous with our time, talents, and resources, this may seem selfish, but think that you are being a steward of all these gifts that God has bestowed upon you.

 

I would love to hear from you, so drop me an email at [email protected]   Send me your ideas for relationship advice. What would you like to hear about on this podcast that has to do with marriage? Send me your questions.

 

Thank you so much for joining us today—as we celebrate God’s grace in our lives, in this ministry, and the world!

Join us each Monday, Wednesday and Friday as we explore together God’s extravagant love and your courageous purpose. Visit our website at www.womenworldleaders.com to submit a prayer request,  and support the ministry. Don’t forget to sign up for a free subscription to our Voice Of Truth Magazine. Check out upcoming events in June 2022 in south Florida. From His heart to yours, we are Women World Leaders. All content is copyrighted by Women World Leaders and cannot be used without express written consent.