Episode 88: Lesson Learned

Today's topic stems from a realization we had that although we have had our feelings hurt throughout dating, we have never had our hearts broken & that's probably because we have never been in love before.

Here's the tweet that sparked the episode. ( https://twitter.com/wecomefromqns/status/834496223872745476 )

In this episode we are going to have a guided conversation much like our New Year episode about our most recent failed dating experience.

Keep It Simple

Summarize your last failed dating experience in 1 - 3 sentences

Story Time!

Using no more than 10 bullet points recap the entire experience (from beginning to end)

What were your thoughts and feelings about your friend's experience

What were 3 highs from this experience?

How did you know this was someone you wanted to continuously date?

What were 3 lows from this experience?

How did you know that things were not going to last?

Recovery

Using Iyanla’s Recovery After Long Term Relationship video as a guide (27 min video) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-PC-2Vtkw8)

Acceptance

You have to accept that the relationship is over and that you will recover

Grieving & healing requires that you share your thoughts and feelings about the loss so that you can adjust your mind and heart and spirit. Without sharing, chances are you’ll get stuck and sta stuck in mourning ( meaning thinking shoulda coulda wouldas = different outcome)

Celebrate the good days, know that you deserve them

Celebrate the small victories such as finally eating after going too long without doing so

Laughing when it seems like you've been crying forever

Remove things from your environment that remind you of the person

You can bring these things back at a later time if they are gifts etc

Don’t follow your ex on social media

Even if you think you are completely over your ex, seeing someone you once did everything with now doing things with someone else is going to be painful

Social media is not the place to work through your feelings

Figure out if you can still be friends

What you do and how you do it depends on why you broke up about how you feel about the other person

If you remain friends with the hope that eventually you’ll get back together things can get very ugly & painful very quickly

You have left physically but the layers such as emotionally & spiritually leaving is still going on

Respect this multilayered process

You need to separate on all levels before your heart can heal and your mind can be clear

Establish boundaries and guidelines for communication

Less is more

Maybe 30 days no contact and then decide what can work

Do the things you love even if you once loved doing those things as a couple

You can still enjoy these activities without the other person

Avoid Excessive overeating or drinking

Join a group

Do something new

Learn a skill

Something that opens you up to things you didn’t know about before

Go to shows, movies, concerts

Get a new hairstyle

Do things that make you feel attractive again

Makeover your home such as new bedding, a new candle, a pillow

Avoid a rebound relationship

Or something in someone just t o give you a few thrills

Instead meet new people and see what happens

Seek professional help if depression becomes chronic

Ending a long term relationship regardless of romantic friendship or by natural causes or by choice is challenging so you need to find your own rules.

This is just a place to start

Final Thoughts

in this video iyanla ends with “It’s important that you train yourself not to be loyal to people who don’t treat you well. Be mindful to protect yourself mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually from energy vampires and emotional rapists who will make you feel guilty about how they treat you, remember your first priority is you.”

People should not judge failed love affairs as failed experiences but as part of the growth process. Something does not have to end well for it to have been one of the most valuable experiences of a lifetime. - Ethel Person, medical doctor and psychoanalyst (via Myleik IG Story)

For Afro-Latinas, The Whitewashed Wellness Movement Often Feels Unhealthy — Even Harmful

Nory Pouncil - 05/25/18 - Calladitas No More

https://fierce.wearemitu.com/calladitas-no-more/why-being-afro-latina-wellness-space-toxic-af/

Around The Way

Big-hearted Queens mom gives prom dresses to girls in need

http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/queens/big-hearted-queens-mom-prom-dresses-girls-article-1.3983558