Undercover Trucker: How I Saved America by Truckin' Towels for the Taliban
12 episodes - English - Latest episode: over 13 years ago - ★★★★★ - 15 ratingsFor his second Podiobook, Bill Schmalfeldt goes from the sublime to the ridiculous. His follow-up to the non-fiction "No Doorway Wide Enough" is this fanciful, hilarious narrative, voiced by disgraced, former alcoholic truck driver Billy Big Rig (who can never reveal his real name because everyone wants to kill him) who -- if he is to be believed -- infiltrated a terror cell, went to Afghanistan, and single-handedly saved America from another terror attack in the days after 9/11. Along the way, he shares his philosophy about life, love, truckstop meals and waitresses, men's room protocol, how he killed the REAL Saddam Hussein, and his many, many marriages. This will probably be the most politically-incorrect book you will read or hear all year. Definitely not for the kiddies, mostly for language, violence, and brief nudity. If you download this book and are offended, it's YOUR fault, not the author's! You've been warned. But if you like a bawdy, action-packed story, told by a character who is one part Stephen Colbert, one part Archie Bunker, one part Forrest Gump, one part John Wayne and 100 percent AMERICAN MAN, then you'll LOVE "Undercover Trucker: How I Saved America by Truckin' Towels for the Taliban." In a manly way, I mean. Billy doesn't swing that way. That sh*t just ain't right!
WARNING TO THE SATIRE IMPAIRED: You will need ALL your satire glands in order to enjoy this.
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Episodes
UndercoverTrucker 12
September 10, 2010 18:54 - 40 minutes - 36.9 MBIn Episode #12, the final episode, Billy Big Rig has been captured by Coalition Forces, who mistake him for an American Taliban. After months and months in captivity, he is finally freed by a most unlikely source. WARNING! His experiences in Afghanistan and Guantanamo Bay have done nothing to soften Billy's attitudes or overall demeanor. If you are easily offended and you download this anyway, it's your fault. Not Billy's! UNDERCOVER TRUCKER: HOW I SAVED AMERICA BY TRUCKIN' TOWELS ...
UndercoverTrucker 11
September 10, 2010 18:40 - 41 minutes - 37.6 MBIn Episode #11, Billy Big Rig finally has to deal with the ardorous advances of Qaboos. America invades Afghanistan, so Billy and Rafa have to accompany the Taliban to Tora Bora. Rafa gets her ultimate revenge, Billy gets HIS ultimate revenge, then something bad happens! WARNING! Billy has something of a potty mouth with neanderthal attitudes about politics and cultural diversity. If you are without an appreciation for satirical humor, go pet a kitty and knit a doily. If you download t...
UndercoverTrucker 10
September 10, 2010 18:33 - 25 minutes - 23.3 MBIn Episode #10, Billy Big Rig gains even MORE respect for his Israeli assigned operative. And he reveals the truth about what REALLY happened to Saddam Hussein -- and how the government has been lying to us for years! WARNING! Billy's language and political views would make Rush Limbaugh blush -- if Rush were, in fact, capable of shame. If you are without a satire bone, leave this one alone. If you download this and are offended, it's your fault -- not Billy's!
UndercoverTrucker 09
September 10, 2010 18:29 - 31 minutes - 28.8 MBIn Episode #9, Billy Big Rig starts his new job with the Taliban -- taking dirty laundry to a laundry in Kabul. His operative, one of the Taliban leader's wives, has been assigned to go with him since she speaks some English. In fact, Rafa is an Israeli agent who speaks better English than Billy does. It's Billy's job to find out what he can find out, convey the info to Rafa, who gets the info to HER operative in Kabul during the laundry delivery. Billy gains a new respect for her, and t...
UndercoverTrucker 08
September 10, 2010 18:17 - 26 minutes - 24.5 MBIn Episode #8, Billy Big Rig meets his covert, undercover operative in Afghanistan. He goes through the ritual procedures to become an actual Muslim. And he gets to meet the head of the Taliban. WARNING: Billy has been called "uncouth," and that is by people who LIKE him. If you have no sense of humor, no sense of satire, then you probably don't want to listen to this. If you download this and are offended, that's YOUR fault, not Billy's!
UndercoverTrucker 07
September 10, 2010 18:07 - 26 minutes - 24.7 MBIn Episode #7, Billy Big Rig and the Islamic Extremists travel to Afghanistan, and Billy shares the details of his brief time in the Navy. This will be an important part of the story -- later. WARNING: Billy is a rough and salty individual. He uses language (except for the "F" Bomb) that some might find offensive and his views about politics are hardly the most enlightened. If you've had your satire glands removed, and you download and listen to this and are offended, it's YOUR fault, n...
UndercoverTrucker 06
September 10, 2010 18:01 - 27 minutes - 25 MBIn Episode #6, Billy Big Rig get out of jail, quite easily in fact. He gets a job selling pizza while awaiting orders to travel to Afghanistan, and decides to take a side trip down to DC to see if the NEW President STILL wanted him to carry out the orders of the OLD president. A Reminder! Billy Big Rig is NOT the most "Politically Correct" fella you're ever going to meet. He thinks he's the model of diplomacy and tolerance, but you are not likely to agree with that. Therefore, if you do...
UndercoverTrucker 05
August 13, 2010 21:35 - 19 minutes - 17.9 MBAfter being coerced by the Warden and President Clinton into convincing Qaboos to include him in his escape plans, Billy has some time to think about past mistakes -- including his many, many marriages. He's been stabbed, beaten with billy clubs and handcuffed naked to a light pole in a truck stop in Effingham, Ill. But only one of his ex-wives cared enough to shoot him. Billy confronts his cellmate about the escape plans and after a tense (and homoerotic) moment, Qaboos agrees to include...
UndercoverTrucker 04
August 13, 2010 21:17 - 33 minutes - 30.5 MBIn Episode #4, Billy Big Rig introduces us to his "Sand Freightliner" cellmate, Qaboos. His new friend tries to share the basic tenents of Islam with Billy, but Billy has a problem with any religion where a fella can't eat pork. But friendship is friendship, and when Billy catches wind of Qaboos' plan to escape with several of his fellow Islamic prisoners, Billy feels compelled to tell the warden -- not because he doesn't think Qaboos should be free, but because he would miss him as a frie...
UndercoverTrucker 03
August 13, 2010 21:11 - 30 minutes - 27.5 MBIn this episode, disgraced former alcoholic truck driver Billy Big Rig explains how he BECAME a disgraced former alcoholic truck driver. And it was all his own fault. He sees that now. And God must CERTAINLY look out for fools, idiots, alcoholics and truck drivers, because if he had flipped that tanker over comin' out FULL with the stuff they load at that plant in Karns City, PA, instead of goin' in EMPTY like he was, it would have meant a 50-mile radius "kill zone" where nothing could g...
UndercoverTrucker 02
August 13, 2010 20:59 - 30 minutes - 27.6 MBIn the last episode, you met Billy Big Rig -- disgraced former alcoholic truck driver, bon vivant, and the most enlightened bigot you'll ever meet. He can never reveal his true identity because nefarious agents want him dead. In Episode #2, Billy gets his chance to drive a truck. But after nearly murdering his co-driver, Sammy, for letting a "lot lizard" into the truck, Billy find himself looking for another job... this time as a solo driver. Along the way, Billy explains why he refuses ...
UndercoverTrucker 01
August 13, 2010 20:47 - 28 minutes - 26.4 MBMeet Billy Big Rig. Now, that ain't his real name. He can never reveal his true identity because the government wants him dead. Why? Because it was HIM who saved America in the days after 9/11, and THEY want you to think THEY did it. In this first hilarious episode, Billy explains his tragic upbringing with an alcoholic mom, a brutal father, and an idiot twin brother who got himself paralyzed when a cow bit a chunk out of his spine. He talks about his all-encompassing desire to become ...