Ethical multiple partnerships part 2 (final part)

"People choose CNM for a variety of reasons. Many people reject the idea of monogamy on principle. They may view monogamy as an intrusive societal restraint, a holdover from a possessive view of marriage, or evolutionally inappropriate. Given the high rates of infidelity and the fact that we are attracted to other people, many people who are in open relationships choose to explore these interests with complete transparency, recognizing that no one person can meet all our needs. Some couples that choose non-monogamy do it for the growth and development of their own relationship; the level of communication and support CNM requires can be very enriching for a couple. Others do it to explore sexual and erotic diversity, whether it's because they have different interests that can't be met within their primary relationship or because they value sexual variety.

That said, there are some reasons that exploring non-monogamy may be a bad idea. It isn't going to solve the problems in your relationship, sexual or otherwise. Just like it's not a good idea to have kids to save a relationship, you wouldn't want to open your relationship to save it, either. It takes a solid foundation to move into non-monogamy. If you have issues with your partner, fix those first! It's also a problem to go into CNM if you're only doing it to keep your partner. It's important that both people truly want this arrangement. If one is doing it out of pressure, coercion, or desperation, it's not going to be successful.

It's also likely going to be a problem if either of you struggles with emotions, communication, or knowing your own boundaries. CNM requires a high degree of emotional intelligence and emotional regulation. To be successful with CNM (that is—to make sure you're improving your relationship by making the change, not damaging it) requires that you and your partner have some skills, as well as commitment to each other in the process. You need self-awareness about your feelings, your wants and needs, and your boundaries; it's important to be able to advocate for yourself as you define your relationship structure. Additionally, you and your partner need a strong ability to communicate clearly and effectively, especially through high emotion. CNM often brings up strong feelings, including jealousy and insecurity, and the two of you need to be able to talk about what's happening and work through it together. You also need a basic respect and concern for each other. Consensual non-monogamy is not going to work if one of you is set on doing what you want regardless of the impact on your partner."

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