This Is Not What I Ordered: conversations on chronic illness, loss + change

Multigenerational Healing, Poetry + Fertility with Brynn Saito

Today I’m joined by Brynn Saito: educator, organizer, and award-winning poet. Brynn’s latest collection of poetry, Under a Future Sky, was inspired by her visit to the Gila River in southern Arizona, the place where where her grandparents were imprisoned during World War II era incarceration of the Japanese American community. Together, we delve into that visit with her father and grandparents, and explore the family writing project that emerged from the journey. Along the way, we also discu...

Ménière's Disease, Hearing Loss + Missed Communication

This week, join me for a co-hosted episode alongside returning guest, Melissa Platt. She is a clinical psychologist who specializes in working with survivors of complex trauma, and since she last joined me, has received a Ménière's disease diagnosis. In our candid conversation, we explore the complexities of living with progressive health challenges, the impact on one's identity, and the vital role of open and honest communication. Melissa's personal journey serves as a poignant backdrop for...

Partner TBI & Journeying Through the Grief Portal

Joining me on the podcast today is our very special guest, Shideh Etaat, an Iranian-American writer. Shideh holds an MFA in creative writing from San Francisco State University and has recently unveiled her debut literary masterpiece, Rana Joon and the One and Only Now. Today, Shideh shares an emotionally resonant narrative, recounting the day of her police officer husband's traumatic brain injury and the following six years since.  Brace yourself for an impactful exploration of the "grief...

Partnering With Yourself While Navigating The Unknown

My guest this week is Michelle Irving, who combines training with personal experience to offer mentorship and coaching around career and chronic illness. A gifted teacher, and a globally in-demand speaker and writer, Michelle is driven by a mission to de-shame and transform conversations around illness. Drawing upon her extensive training in somatic therapy, cancer survivorship, and women's leadership, her life's work and living legacy are dedicated to helping individuals foster positive sel...

Body Image, Entrepreneurship + Indigenous Identity with Alison Tedford Seaweed

Today I'm joined by Alison Tedford Seaweed: a Canadian consultant, author and mother who lives with hypermobile ehlers-danlos syndrome, chronic idiopathic urticaria and ADHD. Alison wrote a book called "Chronic Profit" about running a business while managing chronic pain and finds new ways to cope every day. In today's conversation, we discuss new, creative, and hilariously uplifting ways to rethink our relationships with our bodies amidst chronic illness, disordered eating, and a producti...

Chronic Illness and The Holidays: Tips for Joy & Connection

  In today’s special bonus episode, I delve into the topic of navigating the holidays with loved ones while dealing with chronic illness. The holiday season can be both joyous and challenging, especially when we want to connect with family and friends who may not fully understand our health challenges. In today’s episode, I discuss the importance of communication and setting clear expectations with loved ones, the power of sharing our health challenges openly, and the value of staying conn...

Savoring This Moment as a Highly Sensitive Person

This week, I’m joined by returning guest, April Snow. She’s a psychotherapist and author of The Empowered Highly Sensitive Person's Journal and The Mindfulness Workbook for Stress Relief. Specializing in working with highly sensitive people (HSPs), April’s compelling experience in this vocation has greatly enhanced her profound understanding of what it means to live authentically. Together, we explore the world of HSPs, discussing how being highly sensitive intersects with other aspects of...

Season 4 Premiere: Getting Lost, Laughter + Belonging

70: The Abundant Living Conference for Therapists, April 8-10

Welcome to a bonus episode of This is Not What I Ordered! I’m so excited to announce a special upcoming event. It’s called the Abundant Living Conference for therapists with chronic illness and health challenges. We will hear presentations from clinicians Celia Hilson, Amanda Pratt, Andrea Barbour, Becky Robbins, Julie Novas, Michelle Horton, Onyx Fujii, Hayley Quinn, and Emily Whitish. They’ll present topics that range from yoga and self care practices to resilience and preventing burnout...

69: Season Three Finale

Welcome to the Season 3 Finale! In a year filled with COVID-19, a racial justice movement, wildfires, an election, and now the death of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, this has seemed like so much more than just one year. At this very important moment in time, I am so thankful that we have been able to stay connected through these episodes all along the way.   For today’s finale, we will revisit each episode over the past year, and listen to some key moments from each and my thoughts about them, as...

68: Apart Together with Monica Michelle + Courtney Brame

Podcasting has brought so much to my life, both as someone who loves hearing others’ stories and as someone who wants to learn from the experiences of others. Hearing an array of experiences is what makes This is Not What I Ordered so powerful to me, and to listeners, as well.   Today’s episode touches a bit on how podcasting is a form of therapy — both for the hosts, the guests, and the listeners. It also combines conversations about podcasting, chronic illness, and life in quarantine w...

67: Race + What We Don't Say, Pt. 2

Today’s episode marks the second part of my conversation with relational therapist, social justice educator, intuitive narrative coach, and social justice consultant for the podcast, Celia Hilson, which we started in Episode 66. As we find ourselves in the midst of a racial justice movement and a pandemic, this special conversation about race is as enlightening as it is necessary. We begin this week’s episode by talking about the nutrients of intergenerational legacy, Celia’s experiences w...

66: Race + What We Don't Say

This week I'm sitting with Celia Hilson, who's returned to the podcast after joining me on Season 2 (Episode 28). Celia is a relational therapist, social justice educator, and intuitive narrative coach fostering cross-cultural understanding. She helps clients to heal through remembering and reclaiming lost parts of identities. Celia has joined me over the past few months not only as my friend, but as someone who I recently hired as a social justice consultant for the podcast. As you know, ...

65: Grieving, Acknowledging + Taking Action

64: Enjoying the Non-Sense with Sherry Espinosa + Melissa Platt

We’ve had couples on the podcast, we’ve had reunions, we’ve had “quarantine chats.” This week, I’m bringing you a friendship “roundtable” with the lovely Sherry Espinoza and Melissa Platt. You may recognize those names because they’ve both been on the podcast before — but not like this. This episode is a lighthearted and sweet chat amongst friends. Sherry and Melissa, who met in the Shine Your Light Mastermind, have become fast friends, and I loved digging into their connection during our ...

63: No One Else I'd Rather Be With with Erynn + Leo Newman

In this week’s episode of This is Not What I Ordered, I’m taking you along for a little reunion. I recently caught up with Erynn & Leo Newman, who are “frequent flyers” here on the podcast. Leo, who was a guest way back in Episode 11, and his wife Erynn, were the first couple interviewed for the podcast in Episode 32. Married for over 14 years, they’ve weathered their fair share of challenges. I recently checked in on them to see how they’re navigating this new challenge (the current pande...

62: Chronic Quarantine Life with Latasha Doyle + Lily Sloane

Today’s episode is a bit different than most of the ones you’ll hear on This is Not What I Ordered. Instead of an interview with a single guest or couple, I was able to connect with Lily Sloane and Latasha Doyle, two of the people on our podcast team. In light of everything going on in the world, and with heightened anxiety and worry for many in the chronic illness community, we decided to discuss how we’re navigating this uncharted territory. While grief, anger, and concern over our own h...

61: It's OK If You're Not OK with Kristina Sarkisova

Coming to terms with chronic illness is something we’re all trying to do. Kristina Sarkisova is on the podcast this week talking about her journey to acceptance, and what the process has looked (and felt) like.    Her diagnosis of Lyme disease was a long time coming, and even now she’s not entirely sure it’s the perfect fit for her specific symptoms and situation. But it’s enough for her. So many of us can relate to the need for a diagnosis — just to have something explained. Unfortunate...

60: You Are Enough with Ijmal Haider

This was such a special conversation with Ijmal Haider (of “Hidden Spoons” and the “Help Us” YouTube channel). Having lived with Ulcerative Colitis for several years and spearheading many events, projects, and organizations geared towards supporting people with chronic illness, he is the definition of an awesome patient advocate.   Together, we chatted about some of his challenging moments that have led to the illumination of what’s truly important to him: honesty, medical care that give...

59: Giving Yourself Grace with Dr. Monica Blied

On today’s episode, I’m joined by Dr. Monica Ellis-Blied, a licensed psychologist, health coach, and chair yoga instructor living in California.   In 2012, Monica was diagnosed with lupus. Over the last eight years, she has come to terms with the idea that the word “healthy” is not a one-size-fits-all term. She also reminds us that it’s OK to throw pity parties (complete with balloons and German Chocolate Cake, when the occasion calls for it).    The way she speaks about her diagnosi...

58: Courageous Mourning with Melinda Laus

Melinda Laus has always felt “different.” From her earliest memories, she struggled with asthma, allergies, and feeling like her body just worked differently than other bodies did. After working throughout childhood and adolescence to get her asthma and allergies under control, she thought she had her body somewhat “figured out.” When she experienced the tragic loss of her husband when she was 32, however, Melinda’s body went into a tailspin.   It took about 2 years after her husband’s d...

57: Solitude + Connection with Andy McLellan

In this episode, I’m joined by Andy McLellan, a haiku poet and trainee Zen priest living in Canterbury, UK.   Nearly 25 years ago, when Andy was in the midst of obtaining his PhD, he began experiencing symptoms he assumed were associated with stress. Shortly after graduating, however, he came down with glandular fever and collapsed, never fully recovering.   Over the next 20 years, Andy would receive a diagnosis of myalgic encephalomyelitis (ME) and navigate an entirely new learning ...

56: Living With Visible Illness with Lashana Taylor

Dealing with an invisible health challenge can be beyond frustrating. But what happens when a traditionally invisible illness becomes manifest? And how do we cope with the visual symptoms of our conditions? That’s what I’m talking to Lashana Taylor about on this episode of This is Not What I Ordered.    Diagnosed November 2018 with primary progressive multiple sclerosis, Lashana finally had an answer to her declining health. With the diagnosis came relief, but it also threw into light so...

55: Sitting with the Unknown with Michelle Horton

In this episode, I’m joined by Michelle Horton, a close friend and fellow therapist.   In the middle of finishing grad school and planning a wedding, Michelle went in for a routine blood test, which showed an abnormally high platelet count. After this finding, a whirlwind of tests and doctors determined that she had essential thrombocytosis and endometriosis. She was 23.    After that, Michelle had to learn how to stand in the uncertainty that her new diagnoses brought with them. Cou...

54: Better Than a Cookie-Cutter Life [Couple's Edition] with Latasha + Shane Doyle

On this week’s episode, I’m bringing back the Couple’s Edition of This is Not What I Ordered to share an intimate and insightful discussion with Shane and Latasha Doyle. Latasha (who you may remember from Episode 53) and her husband Shane joined me in my own living room to talk about their life together. As many of you know, Latasha is the shownotes and transcription writer for the podcast. And as you’ve found out from her previous episode, she also lives with Marfan syndrome, a connective ...

53: Building Your Grace Muscle with Latasha Doyle

This week on This is Not What I Ordered, I am so excited to share my recent chat with a very special guest: Latasha Doyle. Latasha owns her own copy and content writing agency, but she’s also the resident show notes writer here on the NWIO Team. She has Marfan syndrome, a connective tissue disorder, and opens up about her experience living with this condition her whole life. Latasha brings her humor and her honesty to the table, and talks candidly about echocardiograms, being “out” with her...

52: You Don't Have to Apologize with Natalie Enright

In this episode, I am so excited to share my chat with Natalie Enright, an Adult Services Librarian living in San Francisco.    Natalie, who has multiple sclerosis, was first diagnosed in 2010. She attributes her early diagnosis to her husband. After seeing a decline in Natalie’s health, he encouraged her to go to the doctor without making her feel scared or overwhelmed, for which she is so thankful. Since her initial diagnosis, Natalie has not only worked to figure out how to manage and...

51: Enjoying the Dive with Mike Bajrami

This week, I’m talking to Mike Bajrami, a tech and audio agency owner living in the Los Angeles area. During our discussion, he shares his unique perspective on pain, serving others, and embracing interests. His health journey starts back in 2003, when he received a lower back injury while playing basketball.    His lumbar area injury would eventually morph into a spine disc injury, damage to multiple vertebrae, a shifted pelvis, and debilitating pain. He has also dealt with leaky gut, f...

50: Hearing Loss + Listening Inward with Melissa Platt

In this episode, I’m joined by Melissa Platt as she shares the story of how her challenges with hearing loss taught her to truly listen. Melissa is a clinical psychologist and therapist who specializes in helping people heal through complex trauma so they can thrive, and has been living with progressively deteriorating hearing loss since 2010. Her health journey has taken her through many different shifts over the years, including the realization that the track she was on was no longer makin...

49: Learning to Love My Own Heart with Sherry Espinosa

In this episode, I’m joined by Sherry Espinosa for an insightful and full-hearted discussion about how she got more comfortable with her health challenges and started letting faith guide her journey. I met Sherry through the Shine Your Light mastermind I hosted earlier this year, where she conquered her fears and stepped back into the world to build authentic relationships with others. Over the course of her health journey, she’s undergone a major shift from searching for all of the answers ...

48: Releasing Perfectionism with Lily Sloane

For this episode of Not What I Ordered, I’m joined by my amazing music editor and close friend, Lily Sloane. Lily is a therapist, composer, audio producer, and host of a weekly advice show with a deep passion for making the world a better place through self-healing. Learning to live with and accept her health challenges through therapy has helped her find comfort in the unknown, which she then channels into her own practice. By tearing down the notion of “perfect health”, Lily is able to hel...

47: Acceptance is Power with Sheryl Chan

In this episode of This Is Not What I Ordered, I’m joined by Sheryl Chan — a web developer, writer, and travel enthusiast living with multiple chronic illnesses. Suffering from a mild stroke at the age of 14, Sheryl was diagnosed with a rare blood clotting syndrome that set off a chain reaction of other autoimmune disorders including lupus, epilepsy, Sjögren’s syndrome, and a heart rhythm disorder. In the midst of her health challenges, Sheryl embraced her love of writing and started using b...

46: Finding a New Way Through Pain with Stefan Weiner

In this episode, I’m joined by accomplished singer-songwriter and chronic pain survivor Stefan Alexander Weiner. Stefan lives with central sensitization syndrome, a confusing and painful condition that left him without answers and unable to perform for years. Since his diagnosis, Stefan has bravely journeyed through a multitude of doctor appointments, physical therapy, and pain rehabilitation programs to reconnect with his true love -- music. His health challenges haven’t stopped him from ...

45: Highly Sensitive + Thriving with April Snow

On the Season Three premiere of This Is Not What I Ordered, I sit down with April Snow as she shares how her life-long health journey with eczema and high sensitivity has taught her how to live an authentic life without guilt. April is a psychotherapist and Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) who encourages others to embrace their own sensitive superpowers through mindfulness, self-reflection, and self-care strategies. Her experiences with chronic illness and sensitivity helped create the foundati...

44: Season Two Finale

For the season finale of This Is Not What I Ordered, I’d like to take a look back at the amazing guests of Season Two, share some updates from the guests on how they’re doing now, and give my State of the Podcast address as we head into the New Year. I’m also very excited to share a couple of offerings that I’ve created so we can connect on a more personal level during the show’s break. This season had so many beautifully vulnerable conversations and I’m incredibly grateful to have had the ...

43: You Don't Have to Feel Happy with Lauren Selfridge

The days are getting shorter, sunlight is scarce, and the end of the year is rapidly approaching. That’s why I want to use this episode to check in with all of you before we wrap up 2018. I also want to share a very important (and surprisingly controversial) topic that’s been on my mind: happiness. We all enjoy being happy, especially during the holidays, but the darkest time of the year can also bring some difficult emotions with it. I want to shed some light on why we feel so much press...

42: Creating Art Amidst Pain with Ramon Shitta

Ramon Shitta is a talented Nigerian storyteller and artist who has been battling a mysterious and ever-evolving undiagnosed chronic illness for most of his life. He strives to capture the beauty in pain through his art and believes that a story can creatively manifest in a myriad of ways; whether that be cooking, painting, dancing, or podcasting.   In this episode, Ramon opens up about the isolation that comes with chronic illness and his uniquely positive views on depression. He also sh...

41: Evolving Dreams With Ehlers-Danlos with Monica Michelle

In this episode, I interview Monica Michelle, a children’s book writer, illustrator, and mother of two living with fibromyalgia and Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. A passionate artist, photographer, and author, Monica is truly a woman of many talents. She now hosts the Invisible Not Broken podcast, as well as I Can’t Believe That Happened -- a history podcast for kids and curious grownups. Monica has lived with chronic illness from a young age but she’s never let that dampen her humorous and creati...

40: After the Silver Lining with Drew Althoff

Drew Althoff is a musician and songwriter, an aspiring middle school teacher, and a committed partner. Recently embarking on his journey with kidney disease, he’s learning how to integrate kidney failure into his life while finding unwavering support and joy through his relationship with his partner. Drew and I sit down for an intimate discussion on balancing the body and spirit and the impact illness has on couples, as well as how he channels his illness into creative energy through music a...

39: The Hangry Woman with Mila Clarke Buckley

Mila Clarke Buckley is a type 2 diabetes advocate and digital storyteller who started her food blog, "The Hangry Woman," after being diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and struggling to find approachable resources to help her manage the chronic condition. Her blog covers topics like diabetes management, cooking, and self-care from the perspective of someone living with type 2 diabetes. Mila’s work has been featured by GE, Social Media Today, Travel Noire, Healthline, and Let’s Get Checked. This...

38: Fatherhood + Vulnerability with Derek Avery

Derek Avery describes himself as a curious, fidgety, silly-hearted husband and father who has been inadvertently following his heart for years. From retail banking to energy efficiency work, from volunteer youth worker to worship music band leader, from personal development to spiritual formation, he has been on a journey of understanding about how he wants to be in this world, and has found that the key may be starting with vulnerability and self acceptance. Derek is the host of the Badas...

37: Creative Sex + Disability with Mariah Power

This week I sat down with Mariah Power, a Licensed Professional Counselor & Certified Sex Therapist, for an enlightening discussion about her health journey with multiple sclerosis. Utilizing her innate passion for connecting with others, she opened her own private practice in Georgia where she is able to aid clients in not just confronting their anxieties and sexual concerns, but in finding uniquely creative ways to work through them as well. Mariah’s lighthearted approach of finding humor ...

36: Mortality + True Aliveness with Ned Buskirk

In this episode of This Is Not What I Ordered, I had the opportunity to sit down with Ned Buskirk. Ned embodies the definition of renaissance man -- he’s an artist, writer, educator, and founder of the “You’re Going To Die” movement. He’s integrated a distinctive way of confronting loss with compassion to organize events where he invites others to share their experiences with mortality creatively and in whatever way they can. His experiences with chronic illness, grieving, and loss have shap...

35: Building Spoonie Friendships with Jasmine Szantyr

Jasmine Szantyr is a chronic illness blogger & advocate, founder of a production company with her husband, and loving dog mom. Embracing her life with an autoimmune disorder, she used her unique blend of holistic healing and radiant positivity in the face of disbelief to create DrugFreeSpoonie.com -- a blog detailing her health journey with Lyme disease with as few prescription drugs as possible. In this episode, Jasmine discusses how her challenges with Lyme led her on a journey to findin...

34: Illness as a Spiritual Guide with Emily Whitish

This week, I change with Emily Whitish, a psychotherapist practicing in Gig Harbor, WA. Emily works with people with medical conditions, injury, and disability and she herself was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease five years ago. In her life and work, she notices how illness reveals all the unworkable and stuck places in our lives, and gives us an opportunity to change the way we see ourselves, our relationships, and our bigger purpose. She loves helping her clients see illness as an invitation...

33: Making Friends with Lupus with Jen Matos

In this episode, I interview Jen Matos, a queer Latinx who has lived with lupus for the past 28 years. She graduated from the University of Massachusetts at Amherst with a concentration in social justice education and is a visiting lecturer in Psychology and Education at Mount Holyoke College in Massachusetts. Jen has been learning to live with Lupus since 16, but that hasn’t stopped her from adapting and pursuing her dreams.      Bringing her inner light and love of life to the table, s...

32: Who You Are Is What We Need [Couple's Edition] with Leo Newman + Erynn Newman

Leo Newman, whom I interviewed back in Season 1 Episode 11, is back again… but this time with his wife, Erynn. Leo and Erynn were high school best friends who later realized their love for one another in college. They’ve now been married for 12 years and have one energetic 5 year old son, Hudson, who makes every day an absolute joy. Leo is a mental health counselor specializing in the treatment of chronic health challenges and stress, and Erynn is an author and freelance fiction editor. Wh...

31: Life Is Living Us with Allison Sattinger

Allison Sattinger is a mama and wife, leathercrafter, silversmith and singer-songwriter. She’s run her business, SunnyRising Leather and Metal, for twelve years and has lived with interstitial cystitis officially since 2016. Her condition went undiagnosed (though certainly experienced) beginning in her twenties. In addition to her own health journey, Allison shares her experience caring for her friend, Kelly Clark, who lived with metastatic breast cancer before passing away in July 2017. T...

30: Dating with Health Challenges with Niko

Niko is no stranger to adversity. Growing up as an undocumented immigrant in the US, he’s had to anticipate, face and overcome the harsh unpredictability of life on a daily basis. In 2001, Niko began developing a skin condition called Tinea Versicolor, an infection that causes discoloration of the skin in various forms. Living with a skin condition has inspired him to examine life from many different perspectives. In this episode, Niko shares how dating someone else with a skin condition cha...

29: Intuition + Epic Bathroom Tales with Gretchin Gifford

Gretchin Gifford is a supervisor at a publishing company, Tarot reader, and spiritual coach. She loves storytelling, everyday miracles, and road trips. She’s a wife and mom who also lives with Crohn's disease. In this episode, Gretchin candidly discusses her challenges with Crohn’s disease well before she was diagnosed over 5 years ago. Her stories are equal parts “bathroom humor” and insights into what it means to live well with health challenges. You can read the full show notes at www...