Ep 153- Halloween NFL Midseason Special! World Series Wrap.

Ep 153- Halloween Special! A World Series For the Ages. NFL Midseason Report, Candy Awards, Trade Deadline – And Much More! Listen to the podcast here; also available on iTunes Recorded Thursday, November 2, 2017 Hosts: Count Yorga & Jerkules Now you can follow us on Instagram: tfquarter420 Like The Fifth Quarter on Facebook too. […]

The post Ep 153- Halloween NFL Midseason Special! World Series Wrap. first appeared on The Fifth Quarter.

Ep 153- Halloween Special! A World Series For the Ages. NFL Midseason Report, Candy Awards, Trade Deadline – And Much More!

Listen to the podcast here; also available on iTunes

Recorded Thursday, November 2, 2017

Hosts: Count Yorga & Jerkules

Now you can follow us on Instagram: tfquarter420

Like The Fifth Quarter on Facebook too.

Make sure you check out the All In Sports Talk Network, where you can find in-depth soccer analysis with a focus on Toronto FC and Liverpool FC.

 

Happy (post-)Halloween, everyone! Boooooooooo! Scary, scary!

I couldn’t resist. If you’re Canadian, you’ll understand.

We have so many fun tricks and treats for our Halloween episode! But first, let’s address a more horrific note: the fact that rookie sensation DeShaun Watson won’t be quarterbacking the Houston Texans again this season, thanks to a torn ACL suffered in practice Thursday.

We spend a lot of time this episode touching on how bad most NFL teams are this season. Even though the Texans are such a team, Watson’s historic play constitutes an outbreak of grace in a season rife with confusion.

Let’s hope the reigning national champion in college football can return to the pros without diminished skill. Let’s hope Watson’s dizzying influence upon the NFL isn’t some sort of Greg Cook-like comet; let’s hope he doesn’t follow the same professional path as the late Bengals prodigy, who amazed everyone until a shoulder injury relegated him to a scant few seasons served as a shadow of his Olympian self. Let’s hope for future games in which Watson’s performances come even just within the vicinity of the athletic bonanza that was Texans-Seahawks in Week 8. The launch angles on his throws. The Archimedean sense of trajectory. The full-body strength that makes his throws possible, if not beautiful.

Generally, I’m not the most vocal proponent of hope, but let’s just hope. Get better, DeShaun. If the league doesn’t need you, my aesthetic sensibilities as they apply to the game of football do. I won’t compare you to Michael Jordan, like your former coach at Clemson, Dabo Swinney, has. But if you’ll allow me to compare you to the great Michael Jordan, he broke his foot during the third game of his second NBA season, and missed the next 64 games. I’m no historian, but that serious injury seemed not to hinder Jordan’s ability. Listen to your former coach, Mr. Watson. Be like Mike. Come back soon – and be at least kinda the same.

Siiiiiiiiiigh. Nothing like starting off the TFQ Podcast post on a bummer of a note. Yeaaaaaah! Halloween! The World Series went to seven games! Wooooooooo!

(You better be icing that knee, DeShaun. Love you.)

!RESTART!

I couldn’t resist. If you’re Canadian, you’ll understand.

Halloween! Who doesn’t’ love Halloween! We have so many fun tricks and treats for our Halloween episode! For the last (aka second) time this year we roll out Count Yorga’s Fantabulous World Series Contraption Machine – and we work that fucker so hard in honour of a World Series unlike any we’ve ever seen that Count Yorga’s Fantabulous World Series Contraption Machine is left in a smoldering heap of rubble by the end of our analysis.*

Halloween! Who doesn’t love Halloween! We’ve reached the halfway point of the NFL season, and holy shit do we ever analyze that league! Sure, we abbreviate our regular NFL Bug Zapper segment – but that’s because we do so much more. The trade deadline was wild, so we analyze that. The first half of the 2017 regular season has shown us that there aren’t many good teams, so we analyze that. Some suspensions to key and/or once key players have once again come to the fore, so we analyze that. It’s Halloween, and Season 2 of Stranger Things* has us waxing nostalgic about trick-or-treat candy from the mid-1980s because we’re old, so we analyze that. I mean, we give out the TFQ NFL 2017 Midseason Awards based on rankings of old school Halloween candy. We don’t analyze our age. That’s so old person.

*- Memo to Count Yorga: Shotgun not fixing Count Yorga’s Fantabulous World Series Contraption Machine in time for next MLB postseason.

All Hallows Eve has a way of disorienting the self. Maybe that’s how the citizens of Houston feel. Their home team finally won the World Series – in the literal wake of hurricane disaster. They finally found their quarterback of the future, except see my rant above. The owner of their NFL franchise, Bob McNair, is so amazingly rich and white and old that it has rendered his sensibility so tone deaf (read: racist) that he – no joke – referred to his players as inmates. Sure, I get it – it’s an idiom for even the slightest inversion of control: “the inmates are running the asylum.” But YOU’RE THE OWNER OF A SPORTS TEAM THAT HAS BEEN PROTESTING INEQUITABLE PRISION SENTENCING BASED UPON RACE. REFERRING TO THE MEMBERS OF THAT (YOUR) TEAM AS “INMATES” IS PROBABLY NOT THE BEST IDEA.

I should be a life coach.

Mr. McNair, citizens of Houston: I offer my skills up to the highest bidder. Gimme a shout. You know my fucking website.

In case you haven’t already noticed, we’ll be chiming in on the NFL player protest situation for as long as we deem relevant. You know: the Bill Of Rights, freedom of speech, standing up for equal treatment of all races under the law, unarmed black people shouldn’t be shot in the head by police, yadda yadda. If you’re not down for that, boy do we have the site for you!

 

Bedshitter of the Week – 13:40

We try (and often fail) every episode to anoint at least one person or team an award that goes to the biggest choke job, or soul-searing collapse in recent sports.

This might not be as direct a bedshitting as the inaugural one laid by Spud in Trainspotting, but it sure bears mentioning.

“I might not know slumps, ya – but I can clearly show you some streaks. Skids, too.”

Hence this mentioning:

In a sport as superstitious as baseball, it’s been a tough year for jinxes. If you look at the last two World Series you could say that baseball jinxes have shit the bed. Last year, the man now known (to us) as Curse Breaker, Theo Epstein, realized his goal of building a champion as the president of the Cubs. In doing so, Epstein lifted a Billy Goat Curse that had been the source of Chicago’s ire since 1945 – small potatoes for Curse Breaker, who, in 2004, had already lifted the Curse of the Bambino in Boston (ESTD. 1919).

Enter Jeff Luhnow, who became the Astros GM in 2011. Houston was without a championship ever since the franchise’s birth in 1962, and three years later Luhnow was staring this in the eye:

https://www.baseball-reference.com/bullpen/Curse_of_the_Billy_Goat

https://www.baseball-reference.com/bullpen/Curse_of_the_Bambino

So you know what Houston did? They kept on making a kick-ass roster, largely built from within the organization. They made the centerpiece someone who just might go down as the best pound-for pound position player ever if he keeps it up: 5’6”, 165-pound second baseman Jose Altuve. They went all-in at he trade deadline, snagging ace Justin Verlander. They watched the centerfielder on that auspicious SI cover become the World Series MVP. They broke the infamous SI cover jinx. I mean, if there’s a more thorough way to de-jinx one’s self after appearing on the SI cover, I’d like to hear it.

So there you go: 212 total curse years between the Red Sox, Cubs and Astros. All of those curses have been broken in the last 13 years, two of the three in each of the last two seasons. Get with it, jinxes.

 

Episode 153 is Dedicated To: I won’t work the same sort of angle for the dedication as I did last week again… But how can you blame me? From that same 1967 Topps Baseball Card Series, this is card number 153:

Yeah, I’m Blair. Wasn’t me – I swear!

 

#PROPS & #DROPS – 19:00

If you’ve already worked clicking on the fuckin websiiiiiiiiite into your routine, YOU’RE NOT DONE YET. Follow us on Twitter, where we will occasionally give a thumbs-up or –down ruling on something in the world of sports. We’ll hashtag that shit

#PROPS or #DROPS, and then we’ll turn right around and set you all up with more of them in every episode. To wit:

 

I give at least one college football #PROPS/#DROPS for each episode during the college football season. This episode, I give #DROPS to the BCS Committee for ranking Georgia at number one – ahead of Alabama. (The first BCS rankings were unveiled Tuesday.) Don’t get me wrong – the Bulldogs have fairly earned their spot with a win over third-ranked Notre Dame. But the last thing the rest of the FBS needs is a chip on the shoulder of the Crimson Tide. ’Bama tends to paste teams when they have an axe to grind. Hell – they tend to paste opponents in general. Like a frustrated coach says to a referee, they don’t need any help. I also use this occasion to detail the top five teams in both the last pre-BCS AP poll, and the BCS rankings. Without an undefeated contender remaining this season, shit could get interesting.

 

Count Yorga gives #DROPS to Astros first baseman Yulieski Gurriel for making a racist gesture at Dodgers starting pitcher Yu Darvish following his Game 3 home run. Ideally, these conversations wouldn’t even happen, but alas, racism. MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred has defended the decision not to enforce Gurriel’s 5-game suspension for the gesture until next regular season because players don’t get paid the same in the playoffs, thus weakening the punishment, and it punishes teammates more unfairly when the stakes are playoffs-high. It’s a complicated matter, one we discuss thoroughly. So, listen up!

 

I give #PROPS to Warriors coach Steve Kerr, for saying this to the media when asked about LGBT night during his team’s recent game against the Raptors:

“Maybe, if you are coming to the game tonight, and your child says what does that [LGBT] mean, explain it to them. Explain the importance of loving the person next to you and respecting him no matter who they are and where they come from. They are human beings, we are all human beings and we are all in this together.”

Plus, on a different theme night – Halloween, against Washington – Kerr wore this outfit:

Proper.

 

I give #PROPS to ageless wonder Julius Peppers. The Panthers defensive end’s sack total halfway through the 2017 season is 7.5, putting him on pace for…carry the two…fifteen! That’s also the total number of NFL seasons in which Peppers has had at least seven sacks. Keep in mind Peppers has played sixteen seasons. He’s now fourth on the all-time sacks list, with 151. He’s also oooooold. I contextualize Peppers’ longevity by looking at pop culture moments from way back in 2002, his first pro season.

 

Yorga gives #DROPS to Oakland A’s catcher Bruce Maxwell, who has followed up his lone wolf “anthem protest” during the MLB season with pointing a gun at a delivery guy. I don’t think this bears much more explanation.

 

I give #PROPS to The Late Show With Conan O’Brien for another amusing installment of “Clueless Gamer.” Though this edition doesn’t match the seminal Rob Gronkowski-Marshawn Lynch episode, Packers Aaron Rodgers (replete with post-surgery sling) and tackle David Bakhtiari hold their own.

 

Lastly, I give #PROPS to Sports Illustrated’s Jack Dickey, whose anti-tanking column in the current print issue articulates my sentiment toward tanking, and how it’s essentially a disservice to fans. I was going to put the quote here, but fuck – listen to the podcast, baby!

 

Listen to the podcast here; also available on iTunes

 

Count Yorga’s Fantabulous World Series Contraption Machine – 47:25

Gotta start off our last sesh this year with the Fantabulous World Series Contraption Machine with the appropriate song.

Holy fuck, this year we sure pushed the Fantabulous World Series Contraption Machine to its limit – and beyond! I suppose that’s what can happen when, for instance, the all-time record for total home runs in a World Series gets broken.

We feed numerous punch cards into the Fantabulous World Series Contraption Machine, which spits out analysis, TRIVIA BOMBs, and the like, reminding us what puts the “Fantabulous” into the Fantabulous World Series Contraption Machine. Listen up! Honestly! Because we work the Fantabulous World Series Contraption Machine so hard that, well, maybe you’ll end up like this guy…

If only Big Al were still with us, maybe he’d be able to fix the Fantabulous World Series Contraption Machine…It pretty much fell to pieces after we fed in the last data card.

Lastly, – since Count Yorga’s Fantabulous World Series Contraption Machine is currently in Humpty Dumpty mode – Ben Reiter, the man behind the now-famous Sports Illustrated 2014 cover article that predicted the ’Stros would win the World Series this year, says that Houston will repeat as MLB champs in 2018. That sure gets a guy to Mullin.

“You’re winning it again, huh? Fuggedaboutit!”

 

For Your Read! – 1:31:35

We know – we get it. We’re not really supposed to read these days. We’re supposed to glance. Multitasking win!* As I’m sure Dr. Steve Brule would recommend, read something kind of long, or at least nuanced, ya jackass. Hair on your chest, blah blah. Read!

*- Loss.

We consider several aspects of this great proposal, and rehash some of the stats/findings in the article: The Ringer’s Kevin Clark gives his case for the NFL taking a midseason week off. Please make this happen, rich old white guys (and Shad Khan). There are of course some issues with the idea, but I don’t care. This shit is too tiring, too watered-down, and the players deserve whatever means with which they can be given more physical rest.

 

Listen to the podcast here; also available on iTunes

 

Splashtown vs. Brick City – 1:36:35

(After a brief musical interlude)

Throughout the NBA season we take a more in-depth look at players, teams, trends, play designs, blah, blah and then we assign the topic either to the good city of the bad one. For now, especially with the NFL in full swing, we take some quicker, simpler looks at the NBA.

The early stages of the regular season often makes for some weirdass vibes from a few teams – almost like Magic. Orlando Magic, that is. At the time of recording, the Magic were tied for the best record in the league! And after doing his best Kenny “Sky” Walker* impersonation to start his pro career, Aaron Gordon was hitting 57.7 percent of his three pointers on more than four attempts per game! And Grant Hill never had ankle problems after coming over from Detroit, he and Tracy McGrady convinced Tim Duncan to join them in ’Lando,** and a dynasty was born! If we played Truth Or Fiction with those statements I wonder how many people would pick the wrong one.

*- The former Knick was a dynamic dunker, but seldom saw a broad side of a barn he could hit with his jumper.

**- How come no one that I know of refers to Orlando as ’Lando?? Floridians! I’ll make you a deal: Eat all of your firearms, start working ’Lando into your lexicon, and I’ll take it to the next step. That’s right. Aaron Gordon, small forward, Orlando Calrissians.

I only came up with this while writing this post. Man, this is SO coming up on a (near) future episode. Apologies in advance.

In case it wasn’t already clear, we’re putting the Calrissians in Splashtown – for now. I mean, the guy lost a Corellian YT-1300f light freighter to a shoot-first bum smuggler in a game of sabacc. Who knows how quickly this team could end up shitting the bed?

Speaking of shitting the bed, we overlooked something when designing this segment…I mean, sure, it’s all metaphor, but there’s a lot of ball that falls outside of the mere swish-brick binary. I’m not sure how many people expected Sixers “rookie” Ben Simmons (he sat out his first season in 2016-17 due to injury) to fill up the stat sheet like he has so far this season, but 18.4/9.1/7.7 shouldn’t draw the focus to swished jumpers or clanging bricks. Rather, get Simmons some time in, I don’t know, Dime City or a BOARD-er Town?

Let’s do the same for DeMarcus Cousins, but in this case usher him into a Block Borough. TRIVIA BOMB: In a loss to the Pelicans last week, Boogie put up 35 points, 9 rebounds, 6 assists, 6 steals, 3 blocks, and 5 three pointers. No one else in NBA history had done that before.

 

The NFL Bug Zapper – 1:40:20

For the musical interlude at this point:

I thought I loved this song, but Yorga is so thrown asunder by the fury of Earth, Wind & Fire that he can’t find his adapter to plug in the Bug Zapper. Delay ensues.  Also, one day I will own that shirt.

Injuries are a serious matter in football. Ideally there’d be none of them. In reality, it constantly feels like players are “dropping like flies” as the adage goes. You should never consider this segment comprehensive; we try to go over the more significant injuries, flying each such player into our NFL Bug Zapper.

Because of how content-packed we are this Episode, we kept this segment short.

After playing much of this season already banged up, Patriots LB Don’t’a Hightower is done for the season after tearing his pectoral muscle. – an awful

We’ve already mourned DeShaun Watson here. Zach Miller’s gruesome leg injury was so bad that the Bears tight end almost lost his leg. So bad, I’m not giving up a link to footage of it, lest our first feedback from our three listeners be complaints about being subjected to visuals of such violence.

The word “luck” will always have a complicated connotation in an injury segment, but aw fuck it – Colts QB Andrew Luck finally gets shelved for the season after his recovery from (throwing) shoulder surgery. Turns out the coaching and medical staffs in Indy advised/let Luck play with a bad labrum over the last two seasons. Turns out that can adversely affect rehab in that shoulder. Who knew.

 

NFL Shitwatch – Special Halloween Midseason Edition

Each week during the NFL season, we grab some shades, whistles, Hasselhoff, and we go on NFL Shitwatch! The NFL is the shit these days, with lots of crazy shit going on, teams that are the shit – and others that are just plain, well, shit. But fear not, we’re on the lookout! At the Midseason point of the season, boy do we ever heap this shit on! Enjoy!

Who’s cuter – us, or the shit?

The Shit Seat (Coaching Hot Seat) – 1:48:30

I’m getting a bit tired of this see-saw battle, but the soiled punishment diaper is wrapped back around Giants head coach Bob McAdoo after spending some time against the rear of Colts head coach Chuck Pagano yet again.

I’ve been thinking of other candidates for our equivalent of the hot seat, and you can now officially assume I’ll want Marvin Lewis of the Bengals in consideration. I think it getting nigh upon time to start considering Tampa Bay’s Dirk Koetter as well. Shit on, you crazy diamonds.

 

NFL Trade Deadline Analysis – 1:55:06

At least one NFL front office exec called this the busiest trade deadline they can remember. I’ll buy that. Four game-changing players were moved on deadline day in exchange for draft picks. Okay – sorry, Janeane – let’s say three players, since Jimmy Garoppolo hasn’t even started that many games as a pro.

We take an in-depth look at all four deals, plus how this could be a sign of things to come in the future, after years and years of largely boring trade deadlines.

 

Tricked, or Treat(ed)? Ezekiel Elliot & Josh Gordon Suspensions – 2:18:45

Fuck this, NFL; I can’t keep up. I just smoked a joint, and I’m pretty sure Elliot’s suspension was upheld, then given a stay, seventeen times before I finished. He’s playing in Week 9 against Kansas City

UPDATE 03/11/2017: Elliot’s stay has been granted. He’s playing this Sunday against the Chiefs. Fuck this, NFL; I can’t keep up.

Holy shit, Josh Gordon might actually see an NFL field again – and in uniform! The Browns wide receiver was a manimal, tearing up defensive backs and raising tents in the pants of fantasy football owners until drug problems (including, but not limited to: testing positive for drugs) forced him from the league indefinitely. Details are within, but I hope Gordon’s been keeping in (pseudo) game shape, because he has to jump through more hoops than a dog at the Westminister Dog Show just to get a chance to dress for a game again.

Listen to the podcast here; also available on iTunes

 

NFL Midseason Standings Overview – 2:22:45

We take a look at the whole league…and how shitty it is. It’s pretty difficult to assemble more than six quality teams in each conference at this point. There’s a ton of analysis here – plus I’m starting to hallucinate, this post is so long to write out – plus a LOOKALIKE BOMB:

Eagles head coach Doug Pederson = Duke Nukem.

 

 

NFL Midseason Halloween Awards/Treats – 2:37:25

This is pretty straightforward: Stranger Things 2 + Halloween IRL = Naming our usual Midseason Awards for players after Halloween candy we prized when we were growing up, which just so happened at the same time in our history as the hit series. Never doubt us – there’s stats and analysis with each piece of midseason candy hardware.

Full Candy Bar (League MVP)

In honor of Stranger Things 2.

Jerkules – Carson Wentz, QB, Eagles

Count Yorga – Carson Wentz, QB, Eagles

 

Mini Candy Bars (Offensive Player of the Year)

Jerkules – Kareem Hunt, RB, Chiefs

Count Yorga – Kareem Hunt, RB, Chiefs

 

Double Lollies (Defensive Player of the Year)

Jerkules – Calais Campbell, DE & Jalen Ramsey, CB, Jaguars

Count Yorga – Calais Campbell, DE, Jaguars

 

Reese’s Pieces – (Offensive Rookie of the Year)

Jerkules – DeShaun Watson, QB, Texans

Count Yorga – Kareem Hunt, RB, Chiefs

 

Jolly Rancher (Defensive Rookie of the Year)

Jerkules – Marshon Lattimore, CB, Saints

Count Yorga – T.J. Watt, LB, Steelers

 

Mini Box of Raisins (Goat of the Year)

Just seeing this image makes me want to kill someone.

Jerkules – Trevor Simien, QB, Broncos

Count Yorga – Julio Jones, WR, Falcons

Listen to the podcast here; also available on iTunes

NFL Shitwatch – Week 8 – 2:52:10

Each week we observe different games or news items that fit certain shit criteria – shiteria, if you will (you won’t, but we already are) – and look at good and bad aspects of each team in said matchup. Sorry – shitup.

I won’t lie. I’ve been up all night and the booze’s hold is loosening. I analyze several games from Week 8. Maybe I’ll add this content later; get bent. I will at my spreads for Week 9 below later on. For now, it’s all there in the episode. xox

Jerkules v. Spreads for Week 9 – 3:01:10

They’re coming – don’t let me keep you from losing money, though.

Shit We Wrote Down – The Notebook, the Sequel

Scouts have warmed up to his play – and they think his acting chops are top-notch. Sorry, that’s Rams QB Jared Goff – or is it thespian Ryan Gosling, star of The Notebook? Can you blame us for confusing the two? LOOKALIKE BOMB!

“I wish Todd Gurley was more girly, like Rachel…”

I digress. So we have a notebook, and whenever we come up with new (just as dumb) thoughts while recording the podcast, we write them down in our trusty notebook. Whenever I’m lucky enough to read my own writing (which is less often than you might think) and myself or Yorga actually remember what the scribbles mean, we’ll put them here, at the end of the episode. Congrats! – You made it to the end? Guess what you win: Another chance to click on the fucking…you get it.

So, um, this one is awkward – even by our standards. In the name of Halloween and the Minnesota Vikings, our opening song was “The Purple People Eater,” which, while spooooookyyyy was also the inspiration for the Vikes’ defense of the 1970s being called the Flying Purple People Eaters.

Upon extra research, the song is by Sheb Wooley.

During this podcast, I say that he song is by Karl Pilkington. Drugs is the only way to explain this. Damn, you notebook.

I take a few politically incorrect steps while Yorga gives #DROPS to Astros first baseman Yuli Gurriel. Mistakes are made when one drinks. Coming up with the (Asian) band name Asian Persuasion isn’t one of them.

Shit lots of candy, everybody – and we’ll see you next episode!

Listen to the podcast here; also available on iTunes

The post Ep 153- Halloween NFL Midseason Special! World Series Wrap. first appeared on The Fifth Quarter.