Ep 98: From Insecure to Marvelous

Shanterra McBride, author of Love Your Jiggle and founder of Marvelous University, joins Andy for a talk on how to help our teens through their most awkward years and what to do to prepare them for the big world ahead.

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Full show notes

Being a tween and becoming an adult is an awkward time not just for tweens, but for their parents! Bodies are changing, friendships are growing more complicated, and your once confident child may appear to be folding in on themselves, pulling away from the world, just at the moment when they need to learn how to be on their own in it!

Instead of being able to tune in more accurately to their own voice, our teens are increasingly confronted with a myriad of messages on who to befriend, how to behave, and what to wear. With so many companies and personalities vying for our teens attention, it can feel like there’s no room for the voice of a parent.

But teens, arguably more now than ever, need a steady parental presence...

This week’s guest Shanterra McBride gets it. She knows from her own experiences mentoring and educating youth that parenting is hard. She also deeply and truly believes that, parents, you can do this.

Shanterra McBride is the author of Love Your Jiggle: The Girls’ Guide To Being Marvelous and founder of Marvelous University. Although Shanterra’s book centers on girls, her experience in education has led her to work with teens of all genders and ages. She knows that insecurities and awkwardness during the adolescent years hit us all hard—and that sometimes all it takes for a teen to feel okay at the end of the day is for a parent to just listen.

McBride discovered her passion for working with teens as volunteer in AmeriCorps. Placed in what at the time was considered the worst school in Washington, D.C., Shanterra found her calling in helping awkward, insecure, and misled “ducklings” turn into marvelous swans.

Shanterra realized three main areas thwarting teen success and came up with unique ways to tackle each.

First, every teen she met had body image issues —even before the days of Instagram and TikTok. While we often think of “body image” as a girl-specific issue, for young people going through puberty no one is exempt from having a complicated relationship with their body.

At a time of such physical and obvious changes, there is already plenty for a teen to be self conscious about. Throw in an aunt’s comment to your daughter about her “new boobs” or an uncle’s tease directed at your son and his “puny muscles” and your teen might just want to run from the house screaming of embarrassment.

Whether your teen is an early or late bloomer, as skinny as a stick or with extra jiggle, Shanterra explains that we need to get teens focusing on what their body can do, not just what it looks like. Different bodies can do different things and we can help our teens appreciate their own physicality by reminding them of this. Shanterra goes so far as to recommend telling your teen to spend some time looking at themself in the mirror—seriously! Before jumping to a judgment on this idea, consider that your teen should know and make their own decisions about their body before others tell them what to think and feel about your teen’s shape, size, or color.

To lessen the already fraught feelings around our teens changing bodies, Shanterra prefers to use the word “jiggle.” She acknowledges such a silly sounding the word immediately disarms teens. And she insists that “jiggle” means a person’s whole body...not just the parts that can actually “jiggle”. Loving your jiggle then, is embracing your whole self and everything your body and mind can do as well as all the potential inside! What an incredible gift the power of a healthy self image is for teens.

The second big issue teens face that Shanterra identifies revolves around friendships. She realized teens, particularly “new” teens look at friendship all wrong.

Teens navigating the new and more intense social hierarchies of middle school and high school may lose sight of what friendship is truly about. Instead of choosing friends based on honesty, mutual respect, and shared interests for example, Shanterra saw adolescents making friends based on what relationships they thought would elevate them in the eyes of the group. Using relationships as a means to an end, like popularity, is not the lesson we want our teens to learn, particularly if we want them to become adults with healthy relationships.

Although it’s difficult to watch a child struggle with friendship drama, parents can help nudge kids in the right direction. Shanterra suggests parents can step in by helping their teen pause to contemplate what characteristics would be good to have in a friend...and which characteristics your teen is putting forth. And when drama does happen, not jumping in and getting riled up, but pausing again to encourage contemplation instead of snap judgements.

Of course, usually what a teen will want most is just an ear to listen, and maybe someone to talk things through with.

Which brings us to the final issue of unmet needs in teens. The three needs are independence, connection, and mastery. We’ve already seen how with friendships teens might be struggling with connection. But what about independence and mastery?

In our interview, Shanterra touches on how although our teens might still be “kids” in our eyes, they are ready for increased independence. Shanterra has seen so many teens worn out from being told what grades to get, what activities to do, when to get their chores done, who to be friends with, etc. To make sure your teen’s need for independence is met, give them age-appropriate responsibilities and consider collaborating on any household policies or rules. For example, together deciding on a curfew and what consequences there would be in the event the curfew is broken. Your teen needs to feel that they have some control over their own life.

When it comes to mastery, Shanterra is referring to developing skills. As parents we should avoid rewarding our teen for simply “showing up”—after all, we don’t get paid to just “show up” to work, we have to do the work that is required of us. We should absolutely celebrate and congratulate our teens when they hit a goal or milestone, and we should absolutely be emphasizing the work they put in to get to those markers. You don’t have to win the championship trophy to have a met need of mastery—but you do need to perform and work hard in that final game if you plan on walking away with a sense of accomplishment.

Throughout all this, it can be all to easy to forget that parents have needs too! Luckily to make things simple, they are the same as teens: independence, mastery (competence), and connection. Parents also need to feel that they have control over their life, are connected to others, and have something they are good or getting better at...which in some cases might be parenting!

In this episode we cover:

How to help your teen “pause” during friendship troublesBody image issues male teens might faceThe overlap between parent and teen needsWhy it’s important to give teens feedback nowA pep talk for any parents who are ...