Ep 101: Connect Deeper with Vulnerability

Kari Kampakis, author of Love Her Well, joins Andy for a heartfelt discussion on parenting mistakes and repairing hurt relationships with our teens. Cat’s out of the bag: out teens know we’re not perfect!

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Full show notes

It’s not always easy to be pleasant as a parent, especially when your teens push your buttons, blow off curfew, or “forget” to unload the dishwasher, no matter how many times you gently remind them. As young people still figuring out the world, teenagers can be unpredictable in their emotions and wants. Having a good relationship with your teen is important, but having to keep your teen in line makes for a hard balance.

And when your teenager is acting crazy and just not listening, how can you make sure they start behaving without bringing your relationship to the brink of destruction? How can you set rules and boundaries while also keeping your teens trust? It seems like sometimes there’s just no easy way to maintain a solid relationship with your teenager when they are driving you up the wall.

But our guest today has faith that as parents, we were born for these challenges. Kari Kampakis, author of Love Her Well: 10 Ways to Find Love and Connection With Your Teenage Daughter and mother of four teen/tween daughters(!), is chock full of wisdom about how to be a more wise and graceful parent. Kari believes that as parents we can form strong, loving bonds with our kids and still nudge them towards becoming healthy, respectable adults. Whether you’re looking to empower your kids when they’ve made a mistake or just looking for ways to balance setting boundaries with fun, Kari has you covered.

How We Can “Speak Life” to Our Teens

Teenagers today are dealing with a lot of responsibilities, obstacles, and cultural expectations, so Kari says bringing positivity as a parent can be super valuable. When kids are acting crazy, it might be because they’re frustrated and overwhelmed--meaning they need you to be an ally, not an enemy. They may be dealing with more than you think, and may be more critical of themselves than you’d imagine...which is why it can be really tough for them to face your criticism as well.

So what positive things can we say to them that will help ease all this craziness? In her book, Kari presents a list of 35 ways we can “speak life” to our teens. This could be anything from asking them, “What can I do for you this week?”, to just reminding them that they are smart and capable of handling life’s obstacles. In the episode, Kari dives into the philosophy behind this idea, and her experience doing this with her own kids.

This positivity doesn’t just apply to kids, it applies to parents too! How can you expect to be positive with your kids if you can’t be positive with yourself? You’re likely just as overwhelmed, with a schedule full of carpooling, cooking, or career obligations. In our conversation, Kari explains to me how you can get better at forgiving yourself when we mess up, and empower yourself when life gets you down. Being a positive parent includes going a little easier on yourself as well, understanding that you and your teen are both doing the best you can.

Now, Kari knows from her own experiences with motherhood that constant positivity isn't always realistic. Sometimes teens just make you want to scream, shout and pull your hair out! In the episode, Kari emphasizes the importance of not taking your anger out on your kids, however, and shares how you can find other ways to vent all that frustration.

Although an outburst may seem harmless to you, Kari explains how kids remember what you say. When you want to yell and scream, it might be better to just breathe and remind yourself that a more positive approach can help you and your teen get to the root of whatever it is you’re fighting about instead of just digging a deeper divide.

Balancing Positive and Negative Reinforcement

It’s hard not to feel that urge to be negative, however, when your teenager comes home late, refusing to tell you who they were with or what they were doing. How are you supposed to smile and stay positive when you’re infuriated and want to angrily remind them they have a curfew? Kari knows this feeling well, and talks a lot in the episode about the challenges of setting rules while also trying to maintain a positive relationship with your teen. Interestingly, she says that the goal is not necessarily for our kids like us when they’re sixteen, but to respect us when they're forty.

By this Kari means that even though it can be hard to find the right words, it’s important that we step in and give our kids some rules that they’ll appreciate in thirty years. Although they may not like us now, they’ll thank us later.

But if we're being tough on kids, where does positivity come into play? Kari explains in our conversation how, when kids mess up, you can let them know you’re disappointed while also being there for them as they grow from their mistakes. If we can remind kids that we love them unconditionally, even when we don’t approve of their behavior, we can help them learn from risky behavior instead of reverting back to it.

For example, say your son fails his calculus exam because he chose to play his xbox instead of crack open the books. You could yell at him, sure, but will that really help? Kari says no. Instead, she suggests letting him know you expect more from him. It could be valuable to remind him that you think he’s smart and hardworking––that way, when he goes to text his next exam, he might see himself that way and study a little harder.

Kari is a big proponent of using positive affirmations to remind your teen that you hold them to a high standard. By telling kids that they’re capable, tough, and kind, we can prepare them to handle the unpredictable journey of life without falling too far off the path. It’s like the great sculptor, Michelangelo, envisioning a brilliant work of art in a block of marble before it’s even carved. Your child might not know how great they are, but by recognizing their potential, we can ensure that they grow up to amaze the world.

In the Episode...

Kari and I have a great conversation about how a positive attitude can be a powerful parenting tool. Along with her tips on staying positive and balancing discipline with praise, we talk about:

What inspired write a book for parentsHow we can be better at listening and empathizing with teensWhen it might be better to let teens forge their own way forwardHow cultural stereotypes about gender may be hurting your kids35 ways you and your teen can spend more time together

I’m really thankful to Kari for coming on the podcast today to share her unique perspective on parenting. If you want to check out some more of Kari’s work, you can go to her website, karikampakis.com where you can check out her blog, her other two books and her podcast! Hope you enjoy this episode and we’ll see you next week.

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