SJ125: The score stands at USB 4–Thunderbolt 3, plus Qualcomm-edy, The Purrs, Tim Apple and more

A rather unusual episode this week, cadets, and not just because Co-Cap'n Mike is confined to quarters with the Space Sinus! Cap'n Charles and Admiral William Gallagher from AppleInsider fall into a bizarre alternate universe where Thunderbolt is USB (and vice versa!), Huawei prosecutes the US government, and teenagers give Apple details of security issues with no hint of an expectation of a reward. Not only that, but in this strange dimension videogame APIs are anti-malware tools, and CEOs adopt the last name of the companies they work for! It's crazy!

Also in this bizarro universe, Intel has still more chip-level vulnerabilities to patch, Qualcomm only wants pocket change for a patent they may have stolen from Apple, and to top it off -- you really won't believe this one -- Apple declines to join the rest of the industry in their effort to prevent songwriters from getting a long-overdue royalty raise! Not only that, but the mirror-mirror, beard-sporting European Union appears to have decided not, that's NOT, to create a special tax on tech companies!What??! Does gravity even work in this up-is-down dimension?

Wait, what's that on the viewscreen? DirecTV Now adopts Single Sign-On?! Sony plays nice with iOS?! And -- just as icing on the space cake that we're not in Kansas Sector anymore -- Nintendo doesn't want developers to gouge users! We've gone down the one-hour wormhole, cadets, so remember: until Mike gets a clean bill of health from sickbay, everything you know may is wrong!