How To!: Have a Fight That Actually Helps Your Relationship

Diane feels like she’s constantly picking fights with her partner Mohammed—when he forgets to grab tomatoes from the grocery store or drops the ball on planning their son’s birthday party. Their conflicts are complicated by layers of cultural differences: Mohammed is a Syrian refugee, Diane is an American, and they live in the Netherlands. “He lived through a war, so I can’t win any argument,” says Diane, who is increasingly desperate to find a solution. On this episode of How To!, we bring on investigative journalist Amanda Ripley, author of High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out. Amanda reveals that conflict can actually be good—as long as anger, and not contempt, is at its core. Drawing from her research on astronauts, gang members and politicians, Amanda coaches Diane through techniques that can help all of us have better fights. 
If you liked this episode, check out: “How To Win Arguments Like a Hostage Negotiator.”
Do you have a problem that needs solving? Send us a note at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show.
Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now at slate.com/howtoplus.
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Diane feels like she’s constantly picking fights with her partner Mohammed—when he forgets to grab tomatoes from the grocery store or drops the ball on planning their son’s birthday party. Their conflicts are complicated by layers of cultural differences: Mohammed is a Syrian refugee, Diane is an American, and they live in the Netherlands. “He lived through a war, so I can’t win any argument,” says Diane, who is increasingly desperate to find a solution. On this episode of How To!, we bring on investigative journalist Amanda Ripley, author of High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out. Amanda reveals that conflict can actually be good—as long as anger, and not contempt, is at its core. Drawing from her research on astronauts, gang members and politicians, Amanda coaches Diane through techniques that can help all of us have better fights. 

If you liked this episode, check out: “How To Win Arguments Like a Hostage Negotiator.”

Do you have a problem that needs solving? Send us a note at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show.

Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now at slate.com/howtoplus.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices