Misva #33: Honoring Parents

The fifth of the Ten Commandments is “Kabed Et Abicha Ve’et Imecha” – the obligation to honor one’s father and mother (Shemot 20:12). The Sefer H’hinuch defines this Misva as a command to show one’s parents respect and to assist them with all their needs. He explains that this command is rooted in the concept of “Hakarat Ha’tob” – gratitude, as it is appropriate to express gratitude to one’s parents for bringing him into the world and for exerting immense efforts to care for him and raise him. The enormous debt of gratitude that a child owes to his parents is expressed through the obligation to respect them and to help them in any way he can. The Sefer Ha’hinuch adds that expressing gratitude to one’s parents will accustom him to feeling gratitude generally, and this will lead him to a profound sense of gratitude to G-d for creating him and for providing him with all his needs. This deep-seated sense of gratitude to G-d will, in turn, motivate a person to serve Him properly. This Misva applies to both men and women. However, if a married woman faces a conflict between her husband’s wishes and her parents’ wishes, then her husband’s wishes take precedence. The Torah in Parashat Kedoshim (Vayikra 19:3) commands, “Each man shall revere his mother and his father,” seemingly directing this command specifically to men. The Sages understood this formulation as alluding to an exception to a woman’s obligation of honoring parents, namely, that she does not respect her parents’ wishes when they conflict with her husband’s wishes. Nevertheless, the Sefer Hasidim (Rabbenu Yehuda Ha’hasid, Germany, late 12 th -early 13 th century) writes that it is proper for a husband to forego his own honor for the sake of his in-laws’ honor, and to yield to their wishes when they conflict with his own. The Sefer Ha’hinuch writes that one who fails to respect his parents is deserving of severe punishment, because by failing to respect his parents, he shows a lack of gratitude to G-d, as well. Furthermore, the Sefer Ha’hinuch adds, in times when Bet Din has the authority to enforce compliance with the Misvot, Bet Din could coerce a person to respect his parents. The Minhat Hinuch questions this statement, noting the principle established by the Gemara (Hulin 110b) that Bet Din does not enforce compliance with Misvot whose reward is explicated in the Torah. In the Aseret Ha’dibberot, the Torah explicitly states that honoring parents is rewarded with long life (“Lema’an Ya’arichun Yamecha”), and it thus follows that Bet Din cannot coerce a person to respect his parents. Some explain that although Bet Din cannot employ coercive measures to enforce compliance with this Misva, it can subject the person to humiliation for his failure to respect his parents in order to motivate him to obey this command. The Misva of honoring parents is among the Misvot listed by the Mishna in the beginning of Masechet Bikkurim – which we read each morning – that offer rewards both in this world and the next. The Mishna writes that a person “consumes the fruits” of these Misvot in this world, while “the principal remains intact for him in the next world.” The Gemara teaches in Masechet Kiddushin that one must respect his parents both during their lifetime and after their passing. After a parent passes on, the child is obligated to respect their memory by reciting kaddish , performing special Misvot in their merit, and fulfilling their wishes. The Zohar teaches that every week, after Shabbat, the “Neshama Yetera” (“extra soul”) which each person receives on Shabbat returns to the heavens, and it is asked whether the person gained some new Torah insight over Shabbat, or accepted a new religious commitment. When the soul reports what was learned or gained over Shabbat, an announcement is made in the heavens, “Look what the child of so-and-so said” – and at that moment, the soul of the deceased parent is congratulated on the child’s achievement. A special crown is then put on the parent’s head, and the parent’s soul is elevated to greater heights in Gan Eden. Thus, a meaningful way to respect a parent after his or her death is to learn something new or make a new commitment on Shabbat. The Hid”a (Rav Haim Yosef David Azulai, 1724-1806) comments that this might explain why the Torah, in Parashat Kedoshim, juxtaposes the obligation to respect parents with the obligation to observe Shabbat: “Each man shall revere his mother and his father, and you shall observe My Shabbatot” – because one of the important ways one respects his deceased parent is by utilizing Shabbat as an opportunity for Torah learning and spiritual growth.