Rock Solid Radio - Using Your Tools in the Tool Box - Silent But Deadly - Episode 149

Arguing and yelling are fairly common in marriages.  Most would say those are not very effective ways to resolve conflict in the relationship.  And, for the most part, we would agree.  However, one means of illustrating a conflict within a marriage that looks very different from arguing and yelling, is SILENT TREATMENT! Yes, silence can be deadening to a marriage. It can be so dangerous because the ill thoughts and contempt of the heart never gets fully resolved.  The accumulation of resentment builds like a quiet volcano building to erupt.  
The silent treatment is so dangerous because it can be relatively easy to live with.  Kind of like a quiet cancer that never gives too many signs of illness or pain, yet it grows and grows until the cancer overtakes the person.  This is what silent treatment does to marriages.  

In this show, Merrill and Linda expose the truth about using silence during times of conflict.  They clearly explain how dangerous it is and the damage it causes.  They point out how you can spot it and what to do when you have recognized its growth in your relationship.  

With respect, call out the silence.
Give permission to the silent partner to speak without interruption, excuses, or attacks.  People often go silent because they don’t believe they are able to express themselves without the situation getting worse.  If you want someone to speak, you have to invite them to do so. 
Wait until the emotional storm has subsided prior to forcing conversation. A calm mind is a thinking mind.  
The verbal partner must acknowledge any wrongdoing and own any ways that they may have shut the door on communication.  You may not like doing this, but it is what shut the door in the first place.  You hold the keys to opening the door.  
If you are the silent partner you are going to have to work out of your comfort zone.  We encourage you to be motivated by recognizing what is at stake.  Is your marriage worth you getting a little uncomfortable? 
You are responsible for your responses.  As the silent partner, you must recognize that this shut down is not simply due to your spouse shutting you down.  You are the one that must be responsible to keeping yourself engaged.  Expressing that you are not comfortable with the silent action.  Helping your partner recognize what their assertiveness does to shutting you down. 
Intent and trust mean everything. Always work from the understanding of your partner’s intent.  If you can’t trust your partner it will show in your engagement or lack of.  If you can trust your partner, then it is time to move forward as you trust that they too want something better for the marriage. 

Rock Solid Families : https://www.rocksolidfamilies.org
Past Show: Predictors of Divorce: https://www.buzzsprout.com/636718/7495963-rock-solid-radio-predictors-of-divorce-episode-119.mp3?download=true
Link to the Gottman Institute: https://www.gottman.com

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