The Love Lawyers

In which . . . just . . . why is Clippy so erotic? And why are we aroused?

As promised, we have returned to attack your earbuds and heartbuds with Clippy, the erotic tale of a Microsoft Office Assistant turned horndog. Unless . . . there's a plot twist that causes us to question the entirety of this universe.

In which we return from Covid to anger the lord and read...strange pr0n.

After a long, awful, horrible bout of Covid, your friendly neighbourhood garbage lawyers are back reading horrendously weird smut. There are some weird audio glitches, and we are sorry about that. We're back, baby! Happy New Year!

In which the palette cleanser book starts off weird as shit.

Happy New Season, everyone! This new book is Conquered by Clippy, by Leonard Delaney. Prepare your earholes for whatever the fuck this is.

In which DEAR GOD HOW DOES IT KEEP GETTING WORSE?

Season finale! Hello friends, join us today as we scream into the void about the worst relationship ever. Also we finally made a Patreon. No pressure: https://www.patreon.com/LoveLawyers.

In which boy-bonding happens and the bitchwife emerges.

In this episode, I, Memphis, am vindicated. Our ultimate villain -- the BITCHWIFE -- shows her skanky face. Also a bunch of Star Wars jokes I couldn't figure out if I should cut or not. Enjoy!

In which nipples are slipped and someone says "I love you."

The mystery! The drama! The suspense! Who will spill their heart out? The whiny, needy protagonist who has made zero good decisions since this saga started, or the cold, emotionless douche who does the bare minimum and is praised for it? Find out in this episode!

In which working women learn to get on their knees when their boss is angry.

He did it all for the nookie. Remember kids -- the only thing that can stop a sad lawyer with a grudge is a . . . sexy lawyer with a blowjob? I don't know, it sounded good in my head. I'll come up with something better next week . . . Probably not though.

In which MaKayla flashes her *thing* at Matt.

Matt and Makayla have adult conversations that are mostly Matt putting his fingers inside his girlfriend while she tries to have a serious discussion. Don't worry - she's fixed him. Liz and Memphis start a Dave-related foundation to protect an underserved population.

In which bacon grease and naked bodies don't mix.

When last we left off, a surprisingly well written sex scene between two people who clearly love each other very much. How can this book possible f*** that up?

In which his rooster seduces my body, but his words seduce my heart.

Matt finds the clitoris, Makayla doesn't drink wine, and a child may or may not be around. Warning: contains graphic mentions of a lady lawyer's lower parts, and a regular lawyer's wang.

In which we are all okay with sexual misconduct now!

Comedy is happening between our protagonists. They're both so hilarious. So funny. So . . . in loooove. Also, another partner catches them in the act! Suspense?

In which absolutely, positively no sex happens whatsoever.

So they're dating after only seeing each other....carnally.... for six months. What does this mean????

(Legal) Affairs of the Heart

We continue our comedic trek through Sawyer's Magnum Opus with Book 5, Reparation. Where we last left off, our fearless protagonist had managed to make absolutely no progress in her love life, her friendships, or her career after only.... holy crap 4 books? The love of her life had asked her out on a date after only 6 months of furious humping. WHAT WILL SHE WEAR??

In which protofeathers are ruffled, dongs drag the ground, and the Fuckceratops makes a return.

Yes, we know what's happening in the United States. Yes, we are upset. No, this episode doesn't address it because it was recorded prior. Just listen to some weird dino pr0n with us and laugh. We all need it.

In which a victorian twink writes horny poetry for thicc dinosaurs.

Lord Bartholomew is on his way to the zoo to see the beautiful new import from undiscovered lands. Could there be romance in the air for Lord Bart and the feathered thicc beast?

In which a little lord lusts for large lizard legs.

Our newest novella, Lord Bartholomew's Ankylosaur Lover, continues our tradition (?) of punishing ourselves with bad romance. Stay tuned for fancy wordplay, Covid coughs, and the introduction of a new dino love interest. It literally could not get worse than the last book. HAPPY PRIDE YOU QUEERS!

In which dinosaurs have armless sex and two lawyers despair.

Tannis, now missing an arm due to a sexy dino-related incident...does sex things. Listen, it's straight-up dinosaur pr0n. What more do you people want from us?

In which we return from a brief hiatus to some proper dino-rotica.

LAST TIME ON DINOSAUR ROMANCE: TELEPATHIC DINOS INCOMPREHENSIBLY INTOLERANT DADS TAKING A BULLET FOR YOUR FEATHERED DINO LOVER WHAT NEXT?

In which sexy dino summer begins.

The world is bad and scary . . . anyway, let's read some dino porn together. Includes rage-filled tangents from two queer women lawyers trying to cope with losing their rights to their own bodies. Is coping by reading about sexy telepathic dinosaurs valid? Yes, yes it is. VOTE IN THE MIDTERMS IF YOU ARE IN THE UNITED STATES.

In which Mckayla's face gets covered in something hot, wet, and sticky.

We finally end this season of Legal Affairs with chocolate, hangovers, and sexy? men. Oh, and the most rage inducing conversation ever. Liz screeched. More than once.

In which Matt drunk texts and Mac swoons in a sea of red flags.

Legal advice of the week: Leave your work at 2pm and go out drinking. Hooray!

In which oh my god these are crimes - run, girl, run!

Our protagonist screams at her boss about her poor work product, and he responds in a professional manner that does not implicate him in any misconduct. Why would you think that? We are confused. Send help. Content warning at the beginning of the episode.

In which McKayla is taught the value of hard work.

Our sexy man hero (swoon) is incapable of running a law firm without sleeping with McKayla . . . how did he do it before she arrived? Secretaries are chased away in tears, McKayla is bratty and incapable of taking constructive criticism, and Matt is his usual prick self despite being the love interest. Share us with your friends!

In which our heroine finally does her damn job.

In which Matt puts his dick away.

Boy, our protagonist's relationship seems to be on the rocks AGAIN. Whatever will happen? Will McKayla learn that there are people who can be both good at sex AND emotionally compatible? Will Matt learn that his terrifying orgasmotron of a penis does not solve all problems? Will Cal finally meet someone worthy of his love? One way to find out!

In which romantic partners should stop talking with their mouth full.

We continue the truly bizarre story of our heroine's suddenly departed mother, as Matt decides that he would rather challenge McKayla to a saw-style sex game than have an adult conversation.

In which good dick is the cure for all trauma.

Listen, you're just gonna have to trust us on this one. Featuring music by Kevin MacLeod.

In which... wait what do you mean he has a kid?

In our last episode we found out that Matt is terrible at his job and should probably be put in jail. What new revelations can come about this progressively more awful person?

In which we do do do the Butt Stuff.

A middle aged woman tries to write about anal sex without using any impolite terms. MacKayla is living in a loop forever. Even Matt Fucking Conover's love rivals revere him after gross malpractice occurs. Two queer lawyers try desperately to make sense of this.

In which two women try to have a conversation that isn't about men

Last episode, McKayla and Matt had.... well, I suppose you could call that sex. Now, we must indulge in that most classic of traditions, telling your friends all about your sex life.

In which our heroine awakes to feeeeeeeelings.

Are our protagonists (if you could call them that) falling in love? Probably not - we're only halfway through the book. Like and subscribe to our podcast for weekly exasperated reviews!

In which we finally witness the worst sex.

McKayla left Cal behind at the gala, because she is just the worst. And now bear witness to the worst romantic chapter of the three books thus far.

In which literally every single other woman must be ELIMINATED.

The gala finally comes, with McKayla and Cal decked out in their black tie finery. But who is that coming in the door? And why do I feel suddenly bad for Cal?

In which Lorraine leaves and McKayla lusts.

The end of Lorraine! McKayla has watched her longtime nemesis removed from her life. But now what?

In which there are serious concequences for inappropriate actions.

In our last episode, MacKayla nearly came to blows with her supervisor, Lorraine. After discovering this, her boss/f**boy summoned her to her office. Will there finally be consequences for her persistent shitty behavior? We will see!

In which diplomas are smashed and everyone is the worst at their job.

Last episode of 2021, and it's a doozy. Lorraine finally shows how skanky and awful she is. McKayla believes that making appointments to see Matt means she has "unfettered access" to her former lover. McKayla has now spent 46 months studying biomechanical engineering. Happy New Year!

In which Makayla returns in a slinky dress and finds self-respect.

Makayla returns! She regained her independence, left Matt in the dust, and hit it off with a sexy new guy who treats her right! ...how long until she f***s this up, do you think?

In which McKayla returns in a slinky dress and finds self-respect.

Makayla returns! She regained her independence, left Matt in the dust, and hit it off with a sexy new guy who treats her right! ...how long until she f***s this up, do you think?

SEASON FINALE: In which interns are sexed and a new variant is unleashed..

So in the final (for now) installment of this breakout series where Liz and Memphis read virus porn, Dr. Amy Amyson becomes . . . the virus. Juices. Interns. Boobies as big and red as the sun. This chapter has it all. If you like us, comment/subscribe/tell your friends/send us love letters.

In which interns are sexed and a new variant is unleashed..

So in the final (for now) installment of this breakout series where Liz and Memphis read virus porn, Dr. Amy Amyson becomes . . . the virus. Juices. Interns. Boobies as big and red as the sun. This chapter has it all. If you like us, comment/subscribe/tell your friends/send us love letters.

In which a new Covid strain is discovered after a lustful liaison in a lavatory.

Dr. Amy Amyson gets attacked by a sexy air hostess's privates in an airplane bathroom, only to find out later that she has Covid. Will she have the D1CK strain of Covid that was spreading across the globe? Or, is there an even newer strain of Covid out there? Just in time for our world to get rekt by a new variant IRL. Well, good luck everyone.

COVID Chronicles, Book 3: In which everyone is a pansexual nightmare and it's amazing.

Liz and Memphis begin the third book of the Covid Chronicles. In this book, another sexy lady scientist microbiologist researcher returns from a conference full of other sexy scientists. She is unabashedly sex-positive and humps anything that moves. Memphis finds her soul mate, and Liz is a prude. Join us in this lesbian virus romance as Dr. Amy Amyson pushes the limits of SCIENCE.

In which the pandemic is cured by gay sex

He took TWO DOSES. What does this mean? Will he survive? I'm sure nothing unusual or otherworldly will possibly happen this week....

In which tits bounce in anger and meats are marinated.

In this week's episode, our sexy, buxom Dr. Kelly has more encounters with deli meats. She also has an encounter with a less-sexy, less buxom doctor. Finally, she has an encounter with a man so sexy his arms were the size of elephant legs. What could go wrong? Remember when we read law-themed erotica? Pepperidge farm remembers.

COVID Chronicles, Book 2: In which unspeakable things are done with a hotdog.

This is entirely Memphis's fault. Liz read this under intense protest. She is very sorry. Don't listen while eating...you may never look at mayonnaise the same way.

In which coronavirus is a chonky boy with a concerning crotch.

Bob is dead! Alexa is horny! Covid is Surprisingly well-endowed! What could POSSIBLY come next?

In which the she murdered him with science!

The Love Lawyers (formerly known as Premature Adjudication) explore the sexy world of SCIENCE. "Drops" are SI units, Covid vaccines are shot up on the spot to test them out, and people are gross enough to not let their coworkers know when they are infected. If you like us, please like/comment/subscribe/shout from the rooftops!

NEW BOOK: In which a sexy lady scientist lusts after the Coronavirus.

Formerly Premature Adjudication, and now with an easier name, Liz and Memphis embark on a new book. Dr. Alexa Ashingtonford is a sexy scientist who spends her days stroking sexy test tubes full of Coronavirus. How will she keep her pants on in such a steamy work environment? What part of this story makes even the tiniest bit of sense?? Join us as Alexa kisses the Coronavirus. Rate/comment if you like the podcast~

In which a sexy lady scientist lusts after the Coronavirus.

Formerly Premature Adjudication, and now with an easier name, Liz and Memphis embark on a new book. Dr. Alexa Ashingtonford is a sexy scientist who spends her days stroking sexy test tubes full of Coronavirus. How will she keep her pants on in such a steamy work environment? What part of this story makes even the tiniest bit of sense?? Join us as Alexa kisses the Coronavirus. Rate/comment if you like the podcast~

SEASON FINALE: In which the sexy sax music ceases.

Ummm . . . So this is the end of Book 2, and things go south with our heroine and her garbage boss. Please help us with the jokes for this episode. It's a lot. If you like us, please rate/comment on your favorite podcast app! Thank you for three great seasons!