Episode 45: The Rookie

"Hey Siri, other than buying weed from scallywags in my local park, what other avenues might you suggest I try in order to purchase this psychoactive dried plant matter?"

Enter stage left: Harrow School of Weed.

--

ROOKIE

You thought you could ride a bicycle

but, turns out, those weren’t bikes

they were extremely bony horses. And that wasn’t

a meal you cooked, that was a microwaved

hockey puck. And that wasn’t a book that was

a taco stuffed with daisies. What if

you thought you could tie your laces?

But all this time you were just wrapping

a whole roll of sellotape round your shoe and

hoping for the best? And that piece of paper

you thought was your tax return?

A crayon drawing of a cat. And your best friend

is actually a scarecrow you stole from a field

and carted away in a wheelbarrow.

Your mobile phone is a strip of bark

with numbers scratched into it.

Thousands of people have had to replace

their doors, at much expense, after you

battered theirs to bits with a hammer

believing that was the correct way

to enter a room. You’ve been pouring pints

over your head. Playing card games with a pack

of stones. Everyone’s been so confused

by you: opening a bottle of wine with a cutlass,

lying on the floor of buses, talking to

babies in a terrifyingly loud voice.

All the while nodding to yourself like

‘Yeah, this is how it’s done.’

Planting daffodils in a bucket of milk.

-Caroline Bird