When the dead arrive from the earthly plane they show up as amorphous beings of pure energy, freshly freed from the constraints of their mortal forms. After a human is released from these corporeal prisons which they’ve grown so accustomed to, they can experience a prolonged period of shock and confusion.
That is why a legion of the immortal ophanim stand watch at the gateway to the great beyond.
The ophanim are ageless beings, often called angels, which await the arrival of the endless stream of mortals who find themselves at the end of life’s journey.
The ophanim themselves are not unlike the arriving dead. They too are brightly glowing amorphous blobs, though their ethereal forms have been granted four elegant wings and their entire body is covered with eyeballs.
It may seem disturbing but for some reason, a thousand eyes is somehow comforting to the freshly dead.
It seems to be just one of those things that makes sense in the moment.
The ophanim have become known as the wheels of the afterlife, because they are the ones that keep things moving. The ophanim are considered a lesser class of angel and as such they have been assigned the lowest of the divine tasks. The logistical stuff. Maintenance of the divine spheres, harmonizing the laws of physics – and the lowest of the lowly tasks, dealing with the dead.
Galterthoz was a one of these ophanim guardians and it’s his first day on the job. An elite member of the ophanim was with him, preparing him for his work.
“Frankly Galterthoz when the dead arrive, it’s like herding cats. They don’t know what’s going on or what they’re doing.” The elite ophanim was explaining. “Just focus on one at a time and stick with it until you process ‘em and get them through the gate. A few of the dead might slip by ya while you’re dealing with ‘em, but we got plenty more of our agents out there to assist. Once you question ‘em, and process ‘em, just get em through the gate. Then they’re the cheribum’s problem after that.”
“Uh, what’s a cat?” Galterthoz asked sheepishly, blinking his thousand eyes in confusion.
“Jesus kid, pay attention! It doesn’t matter what a cat is, just do what I’m telling you.” The elite ophanim shouted as it turned away, leaving Galterthoz alone on the infinite horizon which expanded before the divine gate.
Galterthoz had been assigned as an Afterlife Acclimation Manager, which basically meant he was customer service for the recently deceased.
He’d requested to be a pedestal ophanim – which are a hoard of angels that let the universe sit on their backs, which basically keeps reality where it’s supposed to be.
It’s a high pressure job, but pretty low profile, and typically pretty quiet.
But his request had been denied and Galterthoz was here.
Probably because he was pretty chill and generally pretty good with people. However that didn’t mean he wanted to work with people.
He’d heard stories about this position and hadn’t been looking forward to it.
But this was his job now – he was fresh from basic training and still pretty optimistic. Even if he was thrown onto the front lines against his will.
In the infinite distance Galterthoz could see the unmistakable approach of his first customer.
The glowing orb wavered and bobbed as it came but it moved swiftly toward the light which Galterthoz gave off.
When it finally reached him Galterthoz recited the script, introduced himself, explained where the dead person was, along with why they no longer had a physical form, and after recounting their earthly deeds opened the discussion up for questions.
This particular individual seemed pretty much at ease right from the start, acknowledging and understanding what Galterthoz was telling them, and moved through the gate without incident.
A perfect first run. Galterthoz was relieved.
Quickly more dead arrived. And quickly things got more difficult.
Galterthoz discovered that many of the arriving dead were very upset by their circumstances. Often times they were actively hostile. Screaming and complaining to Galterthoz – directly blaming him for their death.
Even when the dead weren’t overtly hostile – they would ask a lot of questions.
A lot of question.
A lot of inane, confusing, and pointless questions.
Galterthoz would find himself stuck with a single customer for decades at a time, all the while allowing countless other dead to slip past. He of course knew there were other ophanim who would pick up the slack but it still made him feel like he was doing something wrong.
And they never stopped arriving.
Why were there so many people? And why were they dying so fast? He wondered
“It wouldn’t kill them to get off the couch once in a while and take a walk or eat a little less red meat.” Galterthoz thought. “It literally wouldn’t kill them.”
But they just kept coming and coming.
Before Galtherthoz realized, a million years had passed!
So much time wasted answering so many stupid questions!
The one question Galterthoz heard more than anything else was “Where are my genitals?” or the variant “Do my genitals still work?”
Both were very popular inquiries.
It seems that humans are obsessed with their genitals, which is something not discussed in basic training.
But a few other popular questions were:
“Can I go back?”
“Which religion was right?”
Requests for answers to various unsolved crimes
“Where are my grandparents?”
“What’s going to happen in the next Star Wars movie?”
“Is everything free here?”
And many, many other pointless questions endlessly on repeat.
The questions were annoying, and time consuming, but the complaints were the absolute worst.
“After all, what was there to complain about?” Galterthoz pondered to himself. “These people had just been freed of any needs or wants and were about to be granted passage into an eternal bliss!”
But damned if these folks still couldn’t find something to complain about.
The dead were beginning to arrive more quickly now.
Galterthoz had noticed this type of influx previously. The spirits tended to show up in waves like this before slowing down again, it was all very cyclical.
The reasons for these types of waves varied. They could have been a result of war, disease, or a disastrous diet trend. Hard to say, but Galterthoz braced himself for the upcoming busy decades.
He could already tell that the being who was approaching him was going to be trouble.
The spirit was aimlessly weaving all across the etherium. Galterthoz shifted his own position several times in an attempt to intercept this wandering spirit.
Finally they met.
“Greetings newcomer!” Galterthoz began, smizing with his thousand eyes as best he could. “Your life has come to an end and I am here to welcome you to the next step of your . . . . “
“Wait a second!” The arriving spirit interrupted him. “Are you saying I’m dead?”
“Yes, that’s correct.” Galterthoz soothingly responded.
“I’m dead and I’ve still gotta drift across this entire wasteland to find you!?” The spirit asked angrily. “Why couldn’t you have met me when I arrived!?”
“Well you see, this short trek is like a journey of discovery.” Galterthoz tried to explain. “These first moments help acclimate you to your new form and . . . . “
“No, I don’t want to hear your excuses.” The spirit said cutting him off again. “There is no excuse, I shouldn’t have to wait this long to get into heaven!”
“Well it’s not exactly . . . .”
“And why am I not glowing brighter?” The spirit asked, spinning around where it floated. “I should have a MUCH brighter glow! I’ll have you know that I donated a great deal of money to charity while I was alive and this glow I’m experiencing should reflect that!”
“That’s not how that works.” Galterthoz quickly interjected. “I’m fairly certain that all of the dead glow with the same luminosity.”
“But you’re not sure?” The spirit asked, clearly annoyed. “How can you not be sure? Are you an angel or just some sort of flunky?”
“Well I guess I could check and find out . . . . “ Galterthoz replied, blinking repeatedly.
“No, don’t worry about it.” The spirit said dismissively. “I’ll speak to someone higher up about this once I’m in.”
Galterthoz noticed that a line was now forming behind this new spirit. That never happened. Typically these dead idiots couldn’t even float in a straight line let alone stand in one.
“Um, folks if you could just move along.” Galterthoz announced, swinging out to address the others that were lining up. “There are other ophanim available to help you throughout this plane of existence.”
None of the other dead seemed to pay attention or even acknowledge his words.
The troublesome spirit he was dealing with floated back in front of Galterthoz and it was now glowing with a slight reddish tint. Galterthoz hadn’t seen that before which made him slightly flustered.
The spirit seemed angry now.
“Hey, can we hurry this up please!” They demanded. “I died under rather unpleasant circumstances and I’d like to put this entire mess behind me as quickly as possible!
You do know what you’re doing, don’t you?” the spirit added. “This should not be taking this long. I was a great person!”
Galterthoz was beginning to sweat. He was pretty sure ophanim weren’t even capable of sweating.
“Well yes, I do know what I’m doing.” Galterthoz said, but he didn’t sound very convincing. “I mean I am new, but it’s all a fairly simple matter of . . . we just have a few questions to go over . . . and then we need to recount your life’s deeds . . . and . . . . “
The spirit interjected again.
“Listen, you clearly have no idea what you’re doing. I’ve already told you I was a good person and I should be in there already! Instead you’ve got me waiting in this line. Now I don’t know if you’re an idiot or defective or whatever it’s called with your kind, but I want to be processed by someone else, right now.”
“That’s not how it works!” Galterthoz interjected. “If you’d just give me a second to start at the beginning we can get this all worked out pretty quickly . . . . “
Galterthoz looked back down the line of dead mortals awaiting entry, they were all now focused on him and several of these other new arrivals were now also varying shades of red. He could hear a lot of heavy sighing amongst the crowd. Somewhere down the line one of the dead shouted “Hurry up!”
This was not at all what Galterthoz signed up for.
He had just wanted to quietly be crushed by the universe, in order to keep everything steady and in place.
Was that so much to ask for?
But the complaining spirit still loomed red in front of him.
“Well?” It asked, voice dripping with contempt. “What are you going to do about this?”
Galterthoz sighed deeply.
And without another word Galterthoz used his powers to tear a rift within the etherium itself opening up a hole between realms. Before anyone even realized what was happening Galterthoz leaped down into the fathomless void hurtling himself toward the tortured realm of the damned, the home of demons, pain, and chaos.
As Galterthoz fell through the infinity between realms he thought to himself:
“Honestly, how bad could it be?”