Overnight Underground News May 5th 2020

The Overnight Underground Podcast, now the headlines: 

Chowderheads abound in open states. Trump will bring back the coronavirus press circuses. Wear a face mask or start shootin’. Kentucky woman invents the convertible face mask and Hey Wendy’s

These stories and more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News.  I’m John Ford.  

American’s return to the great outdoors

Halfwits abound after some states have relaxed their stay at home order. In Texas, beaches in some areas look more like bumper to bumper flesh. So much for social distancing. In Port Aransas, just up the coast from Corpus Christi, one local posted pictures on Fakebook that shows beach goers have traded social distancing to social indifference. The beaches in Port Aransas had been off limits for a month before opening over the weekend. It is indeed, as one local put it,  a jungle out there. 

On Miami Beach, South Pointe Park was forced to shut down five days after it re-opened. According to the Miami Herald, park rangers issued nearly nine thousand verbal warnings to park goers for not wearing facial coverings. Here’s an idea, just tell the Miami Beach douchebags that surgical mask tan lines are all the rage and everyone will be wearing one. Across the state in Clearwater, Florida, beachgoers are using seaweed to create social distancing boundaries blocking off the section around their beach encampments.  In California, Governor Newsom has caved and is loosening restrictions on his stay-at-home order this week. The retail sector will start to reopen with curbside pickup and Newsom said that the state is looking to move into phase 2. 

Trump will resume coronavirus press conferences

The President said yesterday that his coronavirus press conferences will return, they just won’t be back on a daily basis.  As reported in the Daily News, Trump said that “everybody” enjoyed his White House coronavirus briefings and rambled on about how great the ratings were. Mister Trump, please Define everybody. 

Trump and press continue to spar

The President also took verbal pot shots at a couple of reporters. That didn’t stop the press from taking a few shots back at Trump yesterday, here’s MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough using his air-time to call out Trump to take a rest for not being well.

New strain of Covid-19 detected

Well here’s some good news, of course I jest. According to the LA TImes, there is a mutant coronavirus strain out there spreading coast to coast that is more infectious than the first round. Scientists at the Los Alamos National Laboratory, who conducted the study that exhumed the new strain, say it is now the dominant strain worldwide. The new strain, according to the eggheads, may also make those infected vulnerable to a second infection after a first bout with Covid-19. So how much longer should we all just lock ourselves down in the basement? That’s a good question, Biden may know, he seems to have gotten pretty good at hiding in his. 

No face mask? That’s a shootin’

If the security guard won’t let you into the store because your kid isn’t wearing a face mask? Why, just shoot them of course.  A woman, along with her husband and son are being charged with murder in Flint, Michigan, after shooting the security guard at the local Family Dollar store. The guard, who was enforcing the state's face mask policy, reportedly refused the family entrance to the store because their daughter wasn’t wearing a face mask. The woman, Sharmel Teague, I guess that’s pronounced sort of like Charmin and caramel combined, Sharmel, her mother must have loved werthers candy and toilet paper, that’s all I can think of. Anyway she argued with the guard and then allegedly shot him in the back of the head. 

Kentucky woman is a moron

No matter where they may live, humans seem to often be universally stupid. A woman in Kentucky it seems has been cutting holes in her mask, exposing her mouth and nose, just to make it easier to breathe. A gas station clerk at the S J Food Mart in Lexington spotted the mask wearing Mensa member and asked her about her clever custom mask attire.  The video has already received more than eight hundred thousand likes on TikTok.

Florida woman busted

As we continue to take a trip down the isle of morons, a Florida woman has been busted for exposing her non-locked down breasts. The Smoking Gun reports that a fifty six year old Vero Beach woman was cleaning out her garage topless, in full horrific view of her neighbors, who of course called the cops on lady garage diva. The woman, according to the neighbors, quote: “bent over with her top down and started pounding on her blue plastic recycling bin making sure that the victim and the kids were looking.” Victim? Of course it can’t be unseen, and no amount of eye bleach can cure it, but victim? 

Twitter users have beef with Wendy’s

Hey Wendy’s, where's the beef. That’s exactly what some customers are asking the fast food hamburger chain. Meat shortages have caused Wendy’s to take burgers off the menu at a number of its stores in California and across the nation. It’s reported that somewhere in the neighborhood of a fifth of Wendy’s US restaurants are lacking meat. (Bloomberg reports that some customers have taken to Twitter complaining. Taken to Twitter to complain? And you have to have noticed, yes your groceries have been taking a price hike. Milk prices are up ten percent and eggs have risen thirty percent. 

Chicken poop in the park

Sweden has a novel way of keeping people out of parks during their lockdown. In the city of Lund, which usually draws crowds numbering in the tens of thousands to celebrate Walpurgis Night in its central park, decided the best way to deal with the revelers was using chicken shit. No seriously. Officials in the Swedish city will dump more than a ton of chicken poop into the park.  According to the newspaper Syvesdenskan, the chairman of the Lund council's environmental committee said, quote:: "We get the opportunity to fertilize the lawns, and at the same time it will stink and so it may not be so nice to sit and drink beer in the park." Now there’s an election promise if I ever heard one.