Episode 613 - "Hatchet" (2006)

NARRATOR: “Welcome back to Reign of Terror 2019! 31 straight days of horror movie reviews and interviews. Today’s episode will feature the DC High Podcast, who will be reviewing the 2006 independent horror film, ‘Hatchet’. A promo will run before the review.”

NARRATOR: “But now, let’s turn our attention to the fate of our host Joseph, in Part Three of “FOUR MORE STOPS”!” 

SCENE: Charter Bus / Bayou

NARRATOR: “When we last left Joseph, he was watching his daughter fight off the classic horror monsters, lucky enough to be hauled aboard the school bus now driving into a bayou.” 

D: “Excuse me. Excuse me. Can I have everyone’s attention?” 

C: “Quiet on the bus!” 

NARRATOR: “Joseph immediately turned towards the two mysterious voices, one of which had a clipboard, the other a whistle around their neck.” 

D: “We’re going to do a little roll call here. Make sure we didn’t forget anyone. I know you’re all excited for the haunted swamp tour that’s next.”

C: “Ben? Is Ben here?” 

NARRATOR: “Joseph raised his hand, then felt stupid, and simply called out...” 

JOSEPH: “My daughter was left back there.”

D: “Sir, please wait your turn. Do you hear anyone else interrupting?”

NARRATOR: “Joseph turned, and did not see anyone else interrupting. Or anyone at all.”

C: “Marybeth Dunstan? Marybeth?" 

JOSEPH: “There’s no one on the bus!”

D: “Sir, clearly that’s not true. You’re here, obviously. Please wait.”

C: “Marcus? Marcus?”

JOSEPH: “Shouldn’t you have done this BEFORE leaving the haunted house back there?” 

D: “Sir, do you want to be the field trip chaperone?” 

C: “Victor Crowley? Victor?”

JOSEPH: “Crowley? Wait a minute... did you say haunted swamp tour?”

D: “Sir, quiet!”

C: “Misty? Shawn? Jenna? Doug Shapiro?”

JOSEPH: “I think that last one is made up." 

D: “Sir?”

C: “Joseph?”

JOSEPH: “That’s me!” 

C: “Permatteo?”

JOSEPH: “Wait, nevermind.”

C: “All right, that’s everyone. Anyone we missed?”

JOSEPH: “Yes!”

D: “Oh yes, the annoying one.”

C: “What’s your name?”

JOSEPH: “Joseph Dobzynski, Jr.”

C: “I’m sorry, you’re not on the list.”

JOSEPH: “I know. Neither was One Movie Spawn.”

D: “Driver, stop the bus.” 

NARRATOR: “The bus came to a swift stop, throwing Joseph into the deceptively unpadded seat.”

JOSEPH: “Ow!”

D: “Off the bus, sir. I don’t know what kind of freeloader you are, but we’re taking these kids on a haunted swamp tour. You’re lucky we don’t call the police.”

JOSEPH: “Actually, please do!” 

C: “Off the bus, sir. You’re scaring the kids.” 

JOSEPH: “I don’t see any...” 

NARRATOR: “But as he turned around, he did see children. Ghostly looking children, all quietly staring at him, all quietly sharpening spectral hatchets.”

JOSEPH: “Oh, well... well, I probably should be leaving.”

D: “I think so.”

NARRATOR: “He paused at the door, reconsidering his options, looking at the bug-infested bayou outside, then back at the bus, where the driver and the two chaperones were also the same ghostly consistency.” 

ANDREW: *meek child voice* “Help me!”

JOSEPH: “I’m out. Good bye!”

NARRATOR: “Joseph stepped off the bus, and watched it pull away, slowly turning ghostly and disappearing into the mists rising from the swamp around him. He took one look at the bayou.”

JOSEPH: “Not going in there." 

NARRATOR: “Then turned the opposite direction the bus had gone, and started back towards the way he had come. Where would he end up next? Find out tomorrow in Part Four of “FOUR MORE STOPS”, featuring our own Ryan L. Terry, who will be reviewing the 1997 slasher classic, ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’." 

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<< DC HIGH PROMO >>

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C: “Today’s movie is ‘Hatchet’ (2006), the slasher film directed by Adam Green and written for the screen by Adam Green.”

D: “The premise of this film is following the legend of Victor Crowley (Kane Hodder) based out of the ol’ bayous of Louisiana.”

C: “It follows a group of unsuspecting tourists, who come together in forces to try to survive a deadly legend.”

D: “Spoilers ahead!”

C: “This movie is the epitome of the classic slasher cult film. It has plenty of gore, jumps, and giggles to keep you intrigued for the duration of its less than modern effects. The movie has plenty of Easter Eggs of great horror icon faces scattered throughout as well. You will see appearances from the dream master himself, Robert Englund; the man with the hook for a hand who responds to 3’s and loves his bees, Tony Todd; and of course, the big, the bad, the machete wielding Kane Hodder in a couple of roles.”

D: “Kane Hodder delivers another perfect 10 performance and held his title of Horror Icon King in my opinion, by playing another well commenced, larger than life, serial killer. He envelops himself completely in his roles, even to the point that he refuses to speak to the other actors before filming. He is also the main influence of the style of the kill scenes. The movie was filmed in the classic cult style. Plus, it has great comedy hidden in it as well portrayed by some comedian faces you will recognize with their overly cliché portrayals of slasher victims.”

C: “The movie has plenty of the blood-splattering, jump-out-of-your-seat, shiny gut moments that happen every time you turn around. It picks the team away while giving you a new killing experience for every victim. The pure strength and drive of the portrayed killer is enough to make you cringe. Hope your ready to troll through the swamps and Crowley’s woods because your next!” 

D: “So, the long and short of it is that this film is well thought out with the talent and the writing in order to keep even the most picky of horror film enthusiasts happy. With guts, jumps, and giggles, how could you go wrong?”

Rotten Tomatoes: 52%

Metacritic: 57

One Movie Punch: 9.0/10

D: “’Hatchet’ (2006) is rated R for strong bloody violence, sexual content, nudity, and language, and is available on Amazon Prime, Vudu, iTunes, and Tubi!”

NARRATOR: “Welcome back to Reign of Terror 2019! 31 straight days of horror movie reviews and interviews. Today’s episode will feature the DC High Podcast, who will be reviewing the 2006 independent horror film, ‘Hatchet’. A promo will run before the review.”

NARRATOR: “But now, let’s turn our attention to the fate of our host Joseph, in Part Three of “FOUR MORE STOPS”!” 

SCENE: Charter Bus / Bayou

NARRATOR: “When we last left Joseph, he was watching his daughter fight off the classic horror monsters, lucky enough to be hauled aboard the school bus now driving into a bayou.” 

D: “Excuse me. Excuse me. Can I have everyone’s attention?” 

C: “Quiet on the bus!” 

NARRATOR: “Joseph immediately turned towards the two mysterious voices, one of which had a clipboard, the other a whistle around their neck.” 

D: “We’re going to do a little roll call here. Make sure we didn’t forget anyone. I know you’re all excited for the haunted swamp tour that’s next.”

C: “Ben? Is Ben here?” 

NARRATOR: “Joseph raised his hand, then felt stupid, and simply called out...” 

JOSEPH: “My daughter was left back there.”

D: “Sir, please wait your turn. Do you hear anyone else interrupting?”

NARRATOR: “Joseph turned, and did not see anyone else interrupting. Or anyone at all.”

C: “Marybeth Dunstan? Marybeth?" 

JOSEPH: “There’s no one on the bus!”

D: “Sir, clearly that’s not true. You’re here, obviously. Please wait.”

C: “Marcus? Marcus?”

JOSEPH: “Shouldn’t you have done this BEFORE leaving the haunted house back there?” 

D: “Sir, do you want to be the field trip chaperone?” 

C: “Victor Crowley? Victor?”

JOSEPH: “Crowley? Wait a minute... did you say haunted swamp tour?”

D: “Sir, quiet!”

C: “Misty? Shawn? Jenna? Doug Shapiro?”

JOSEPH: “I think that last one is made up." 

D: “Sir?”

C: “Joseph?”

JOSEPH: “That’s me!” 

C: “Permatteo?”

JOSEPH: “Wait, nevermind.”

C: “All right, that’s everyone. Anyone we missed?”

JOSEPH: “Yes!”

D: “Oh yes, the annoying one.”

C: “What’s your name?”

JOSEPH: “Joseph Dobzynski, Jr.”

C: “I’m sorry, you’re not on the list.”

JOSEPH: “I know. Neither was One Movie Spawn.”

D: “Driver, stop the bus.” 

NARRATOR: “The bus came to a swift stop, throwing Joseph into the deceptively unpadded seat.”

JOSEPH: “Ow!”

D: “Off the bus, sir. I don’t know what kind of freeloader you are, but we’re taking these kids on a haunted swamp tour. You’re lucky we don’t call the police.”

JOSEPH: “Actually, please do!” 

C: “Off the bus, sir. You’re scaring the kids.” 

JOSEPH: “I don’t see any...” 

NARRATOR: “But as he turned around, he did see children. Ghostly looking children, all quietly staring at him, all quietly sharpening spectral hatchets.”

JOSEPH: “Oh, well... well, I probably should be leaving.”

D: “I think so.”

NARRATOR: “He paused at the door, reconsidering his options, looking at the bug-infested bayou outside, then back at the bus, where the driver and the two chaperones were also the same ghostly consistency.” 

ANDREW: *meek child voice* “Help me!”

JOSEPH: “I’m out. Good bye!”

NARRATOR: “Joseph stepped off the bus, and watched it pull away, slowly turning ghostly and disappearing into the mists rising from the swamp around him. He took one look at the bayou.”

JOSEPH: “Not going in there." 

NARRATOR: “Then turned the opposite direction the bus had gone, and started back towards the way he had come. Where would he end up next? Find out tomorrow in Part Four of “FOUR MORE STOPS”, featuring our own Ryan L. Terry, who will be reviewing the 1997 slasher classic, ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’." 

/////

>

/////

C: “Today’s movie is ‘Hatchet’ (2006), the slasher film directed by Adam Green and written for the screen by Adam Green.”

D: “The premise of this film is following the legend of Victor Crowley (Kane Hodder) based out of the ol’ bayous of Louisiana.”

C: “It follows a group of unsuspecting tourists, who come together in forces to try to survive a deadly legend.” D: “Spoilers ahead!”

C: “This movie is the epitome of the classic slasher cult film. It has plenty of gore, jumps, and giggles to keep you intrigued for the duration of its less than modern effects. The movie has plenty of Easter Eggs of great horror icon faces scattered throughout as well. You will see appearances from the dream master himself, Robert Englund; the man with the hook for a hand who responds to 3’s and loves his bees, Tony Todd; and of course, the big, the bad, the machete wielding Kane Hodder in a couple of roles.”

D: “Kane Hodder delivers another perfect 10 performance and held his title of Horror Icon King in my opinion, by playing another well commenced, larger than life, serial killer. He envelops himself completely in his roles, even to the point that he refuses to speak to the other actors before filming. He is also the main influence of the style of the kill scenes. The movie was filmed in the classic cult style. Plus, it has great comedy hidden in it as well portrayed by some comedian faces you will recognize with their overly cliché portrayals of slasher victims.”

C: “The movie has plenty of the blood-splattering, jump-out-of-your-seat, shiny gut moments that happen every time you turn around. It picks the team away while giving you a new killing experience for every victim. The pure strength and drive of the portrayed killer is enough to make you cringe. Hope your ready to troll through the swamps and Crowley’s woods because your next!” 

D: “So, the long and short of it is that this film is well thought out with the talent and the writing in order to keep even the most picky of horror film enthusiasts happy. With guts, jumps, and giggles, how could you go wrong?”

Rotten Tomatoes: 52%

Metacritic: 57

One Movie Punch: 9.0/10

D: “’Hatchet’ (2006) is rated R for strong bloody violence, sexual content, nudity, and language, and is available on Amazon Prime, Vudu, iTunes, and Tubi!”