No Such Thing As Love
166 episodes - English - Latest episode: over 1 year ago - ★★★★★ - 208 ratingsTerminally single comedians, Jessie Jolles & Claire Burns, no longer believe love exists. Thankfully for us, they’re selflessly in the trenches dating to prove they are right. Laugh with them while they regale us with their dating woes and bring on special guests like a dating coach to dissect their profiles, an ex to explain what went wrong, fellow comedians to share their stories of dating, and actual blind dates that happen in the studio. Listen each week to see what new evidence they’ll have that love will never exist for them.
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Episodes
You Don't Bring Me Flowers
July 14, 2021 09:00 - 1 hour - 60.7 MBJessie & Claire have made the full circle of their sexual walkabouts and need a little more romancing. Or maybe they just want compliments. Jessie talks about the mental debate of how physical she should be on a first date with potential. Thankfully she had the rain to romantically set her Hallmark movie scene. Claire is healing her beach trip metaphorical and physical burns while reminiscing about her date with a 6'10" dad bod. While she felt up his bod, she felt fully disconnected to hers....
Lucky Ladies
July 07, 2021 09:00 - 1 hour - 56.5 MBAccording to the article 8 Sure Signs You’re Good at Love by Karen Nimmo, Jessie and Claire should be FANTASTIC at love. So what’s the hold up this week? Jessie’s body called a time out and Claire is trying to be patient with how she’s fundamentally changed in the last year. BUT she’s at least back on Feeld & Hinge hoping to fundamentally satiate some physical needs.
Kinky Switch
June 30, 2021 09:00 - 56 minutes - 51.5 MBAfter a week of being on set with potential suitors, Jessie and Claire ponder the idea of meeting matches in the wild. Jessie talks about the pull she had for an unavailable man and Claire is flirting with a JLo impression. They dip their toes in the kink world and talk foot fetishes, switches, and being put into boxes. (end song Kinky (ft. Ke$ha) by Kesha)
Internal and External Validation
June 23, 2021 09:00 - 55 minutes - 50.9 MBEveryone needs a little validation when they’re spinning around on this big ole marble. We should find it within but sometimes we seek it from others. And that is why Claire is feeling low on her worth & sexiness scale. And setting herself up for failure. Thankfully, Jessie is thriving and feeling herself again with a few Feelders. She even rocked the world of one man who said she “kissed like an angel.” We could all be so lucky.
It's Just Supposed To Be Fun
June 16, 2021 09:00 - 50 minutes - 46.7 MBThe snowball started rolling, the onion layers started peeling, and Jessie’s ideas about love and dating started flipping. It’s hard to see our own repression and insecurities until that first domino falls. Jessie talks about her revelations prior to her beach trip and how that very trip caused her to slide back into some negative thoughts. Claire continues to suck at communicating but found some fun in making erotic furry art. (end song Girls Just Want to Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper)
Boobha
June 09, 2021 09:00 - 45 minutes - 41.3 MBThe ladies are taking Hot Girl Summer one more step and FREEING THE NIPPLE! Or at least wearing bras with less restrictions. Claire has been reflecting on her love language and wondering if she's setting herself up for disappointment. Jessie is soaking up the ocean air on her family vacation. They're also joined by an extra special guest, Jessie's sister Sandy. She jumps on the mic to talk about her own body confidence and her thoughts on Jessie's previous repression. There's nothing better ...
A World Of Options and The Weight Of The World
June 02, 2021 09:00 - 1 hour - 68.1 MBJessie and Claire are back on their friendship seesaw. Jessie is feeling more free than ever before as she explores the empowerment of her feminine sexuality. Unfortunately you still have to deal with FBoys but they get a lot less annoying when you're just having fun. Claire is buried up to her eyes with the weight of the world and heavy with the fall from post trip & work highs. The good news is they have each other. (end song Just the Two of Us (feat. Bill Withers) by Grover Washington, ...
Stockholm Family
May 26, 2021 09:00 - 54 minutes - 49.5 MBHave you ever thought something was crazy but you didn't see a way out and then you become a different person and forget how horrible everything really was? Yeah, Claire too. Thankfully Jessie was with her on the trip home to confirm it was indeed all crazy. The ladies recap their big talkin' before honky tonkin' in Nashville, visits with new close friends, and most importantly the outside eye Jessie was about to bring to Claire's dysfunction. (end song We Are Family by Sister Sledge)
Officially Hot Girl Summer
May 19, 2021 09:00 - 1 hour - 55.9 MBThe sexual revolution is upon us! Or maybe we've just been cooped up for a year, questioning life's purpose, and deprived of connections and touch. Either way it's officially HOT GIRL SUMMER! Jessie decides to take control of her sexual desires and go on her own walkabout joining Claire's favorite app, Feeld. The ladies chat about the empowerment of owning your sexuality and how exploring freely can only help us when we're in a relationship. They're also thriving on their food plans and are ...
All Hands on Deck
May 12, 2021 09:00 - 59 minutes - 54.2 MBHave no fear, masturbation month is here! Fresh out of another threesome, Claire puts on her sex educator hat to share some fun tidbits she learned in a seminar celebrating Masturbation May. All the excitement even got her back on Feeld. Jessie, on the other hand, had 2 video dates that made her say, "I'm done." Maybe it's because she wants to celebrate the month alone or maybe it's because she's on day 8 of a detox. (end song I Touch Myself by Divinyls)
It's in your planets
May 05, 2021 09:00 - 48 minutes - 44.5 MBDon't blame them, their outlooks are written in the stars. Jessie weeded through some of the bad seeds by chatting with anti-vaxxer and someone who sends innuendos through memes. Claire had a call with her intuitive astrologer (Rachel Lang) who helped her validate some struggles and urged her to explore even more sexually. Which no one thought was even possible.
Oral Boundaries
April 28, 2021 09:00 - 1 hour - 80.9 MBHe fell as quickly as he rose. Jessie gives us the disappointing update on Mr Name and introduces us to Mr Turn-on aka Mr Boundary. The ladies discuss the attraction of holding firm to boundaries and how they can communicate theirs immediately. If not sooner. Claire attended an oral workshop and gives all the perfectly normal and deliciously fun details. The lesson for everyone is "Boundaries are not to be challenged. They are to be respected." And find you a candy licker. (end song Candy L...
Challenge Accepted
April 21, 2021 09:00 - 1 hour - 102 MBThe one thing we've learned is that Jessie and Claire love a challenge and not only did they accept them but they nailed the challenges given to them this week. Jessie shared Forgotten Animals before her 2nd date and the world didn't implode. Claire made her bracket of exes and found the winner based on the positives. Which was a lot harder than her usual best of the worst outlook. They also want you to consider the evidence before going to trial. Whether you're talking to yourself midst spi...
Sharing is Caring (and Terrifying)
April 14, 2021 09:00 - 1 hour - 68.6 MBIn the afterglow of Claire's birthday, the ladies gab about throwing frisbees at cute guys, Gene Kelly's forearms, Mr Marketing's scheduling failures, and making their way downtown. Jessie shares how she fully lost her mind on her latest date and Claire loses her mind when arguing why large umbrellas should be banned on New York sidewalks. But the question remains...will Jessie share Forgotten Animals with her date?!! (end song A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton)
The Big 100
April 07, 2021 09:00 - 2 hours - 136 MBHow are Jessie and Claire STILL SINGLE after doing 100 episodes of this podcast?! It baffles the mind. But maybe listening to this anniversary episode, you'll gain a little insight. After reminiscing about some of their more memorable episodes, the ladies chat with the star of the original double blind date, Mike. He exposes the truth of what it's like to date Claire. Much to her chagrin. Then they welcome back fan favorite, Meredith Golden, dating expert extraordinaire and creator of the ne...
The Big 100 with “Mike” and Meredith Golden
April 07, 2021 09:00 - 2 hours - 136 MBHow are Jessie and Claire STILL SINGLE after doing 100 episodes of this podcast?! It baffles the mind. But maybe listening to this anniversary episode, you'll gain a little insight. After reminiscing about some of their more memorable episodes, the ladies chat with the star of the original double blind date, Mike. He exposes the truth of what it's like to date Claire. Much to her chagrin. Then they welcome back fan favorite, Meredith Golden, dating expert extraordinaire and creator of the ne...
Going To Clubs
March 31, 2021 09:00 - 1 hour - 65.8 MBThe perfect age? Too old for clubs but wise enough to know Cadbury Mini Eggs are the superior candy. Jessie reports back after a 4 hour date and how it felt to bring the girls out for some fresh air. Claire is feeling healthier and a little emotionally horny so it may be time to get back on Hinge. They've also decided any park worth its salt is where you'll find them on the prowl this spring. Or where they'll sit isolated and talk about the cute guys in the distance.
WANTED: Hot Creative Directors
March 24, 2021 09:00 - 1 hour - 74.9 MBSure she was 30 minutes late but Claire made it for her threesome! She shares all the glo up details of her tawdry night with sober snacks. Jessie cured a tough week with multiple bad dates and apparently one didn't really want to hear what she honestly thought of his story. They also talk about their new show idea, No Such Thing As Medicine, shivering men, Matilda quotes, and reigniting that fire inside. Or maybe they just need to soak up some vitamin D now that it's SPRING!
Verified Avoidant
March 17, 2021 09:00 - 56 minutes - 51.8 MBWith Jessie's bible (Attached) in hand, she confirms that Claire is a full on "Avoidant." But no one is shocked and Claire will cancel plans with you if you think she isn't. Jessie is fresh off a date and shares the down and dirty and freezing toes. Claire pretends to date a Taskrabbiter in classic Avoidant style. They both talk about comfortable boundaries when scheduling a first date and the leading questions to ask when checking if their mind is in the gutter...with you.
Spring Has Sprung and So Have We
March 10, 2021 10:00 - 1 hour - 58.6 MBSpring is around the corner, vaccines are being shot into arms, and Jessie almost lived out a romantic plumber porn scenario. What a wonderful time to be alive! Jessie has discovered a new dating rule while kicking back into dating high gear. And it involves travel. Or lack thereof. Claire is back on Feeld and has a threesome scheduled. Because all hot sexual encounters are best when scheduled. The ladies also found another show to hate and get excited about the hot plumber who interrupts th...
Does That Make Sense?
March 03, 2021 10:00 - 1 hour - 74.1 MBThe ladies laugh together about the hilarious and FUN meltdown that happened over the weekend. The long and the short of it was Jessie said, "here's a helpful gift!" and Claire said, "I DON'T NEED HELP. I'M NOT AN IDIOT. YOU'RE GOING TO DIE." The good news is the love runs deep and Claire's closet is fully organized. The ladies also tell the hilarious story of Jessie becoming a statue when called Mickey.
I Care A Lot To Ruin You
February 24, 2021 10:00 - 1 hour - 69.8 MBThe ladies are sorting and purging and breaking down the finest tv available. Claire talks about what triggered her in the closet clean-out, Jessie shares her discoveries when reviewing "difficult" women under a new lens, and they realize they'd be the only ones showing up for each other on a Bachelor "hometown." Join their new Facebook group, No Such Thing As Love Podcast Friends, to connect with other fans!
Purging Memories
February 17, 2021 10:00 - 1 hour - 55.9 MBIt's time to spring clean and get rid of those old memory clothes. Jessie and Claire recap their closet purging weekend which included a full list of every date outfit Jessie has ever worn. They both commit to be more selective in their hookups and dates but that's only after a disappointing date on Valentine's. Or maybe it was the panic attack at the Salvation Army.
Just The Tip
February 10, 2021 10:00 - 1 hour - 55.7 MBHappy Singles Awareness Week! Jessie and Claire have a tip to make your Valentine's Day one of the best...watch their LIVE SHOW on Valentine's night at 7:30pm EST. (nosuchthingaslovevdayshow.eventbrite.com) On this week's episode, the ladies share all their updates on the zoom date, creating friend's profiles, catfishing with kids, and when grandma returns to town. Then they dive into Claire's favorite subject, sex education (much to Jessie's dismay) and share tips on the anatomy and the fun...
Live Zoom Date
February 03, 2021 10:00 - 2 hours - 116 MBJessie and Claire won't let a little pandemic stand in the way of on-air awkward dating! Jessie takes the plunge this week inviting a recent Hinge match to have a meet cute on zoom. There are games, giggles, pregnant pauses, and a looming voice of a friendly waiter. The ladies then get into how social media is handled in dating. Do you google before a date? Do you instastalk? Do you go deep and dark into their middle school blog? The only thing they know for sure is that you can be found.
Impressive Pelvic Floor
January 27, 2021 10:00 - 58 minutes - 53.5 MBWhile Jessie counts down the days to finding herself again, Claire jumps in pelvis first to educating herself on all things sex. The ladies also talk about their latest hobby of shopping together over zoom, redoing their apartments, bruised breasts, yoni eggs, and making sure everyone sees them when walking in a room. You better believe they're doing the most important exercise as you read this. It starts with a K and ends with an egel.
Kissy Kissy
January 20, 2021 10:00 - 1 hour - 77.5 MBHow old is too old for a hickey? Don't ask Claire's age because she has a red blotchy souvenir from her latest walkabout stop. Thankfully, she spills all the tea from her the low chemistry, bruise inducing escapade. Then Jessie talks through the needed but inevitably disappointing text she sent to Mr Bagel. The ladies also discuss cuddling, childhood games in the bedroom, vomit in a shoe, and how they celebrated National Fetish Day by attending a seminar with Babeland. The most important les...
For Our Health
January 13, 2021 10:00 - 1 hour - 57.7 MBJessie and Claire are really focused on their health and that's why they're having sex with strangers and considering smoking cigarettes. This week, the ladies talk about butt stuff, a slip of the finger, and wiping. Also, their latest FaceTime dates, seeing ghosts, the hottie Bachelor, bunnies, and their new favorite holiday that's right around the corner, National Nothing Day.
We Are Fashion
January 06, 2021 10:00 - 1 hour - 58.4 MBAfter a binge watch of Stylish with Jenna Lyons, the ladies are rebirthed like phoenix rising from the athleisure ashes. They are now fashion. And with their new prestige, they're ready to get back on the apps. Jessie leaves Mr Bagel behind as she bounces back with Bumble. Claire wades through Feeld for her next escapade after revisiting an old flame. They laugh about their flirting differences and long for the next time they can pretend they're going to go up to a guy in a bar.
Hacky Sackin' New Year
December 30, 2020 10:00 - 1 hour - 77.6 MBThat's a wrap on 2020 and maybe a wrap on Mr Bagel? Jessie shares the latest in her relationship status and Claire unwraps the heavy emotional discoveries she had while visiting the Covid capital, Tennessee. Jessie questions Claire's athletic ability and Claire warns Jessie to not put too many expectations on the coming year. They both share a few resolutions for 2021 and decide it's going to be a very good, not great, year. Setting some real expectations.
Naughty and Nice
December 23, 2020 11:00 - 1 hour - 62.2 MBReporting from the Hurt Hole, Jessie gives us as update after she was flying high with optimism last week. Claire's delicate constitution required she take a quick break from her walkabout. Then the ladies decide who and what from the year deserves lumps of coal or bunches of candy canes in their cool new clogs. Can you guess who gets the coal out of Taylor Swift, reality TV, and sexting? Listen to find out.
New Attitudes
December 16, 2020 10:00 - 1 hour - 95.3 MBOccasionally we have to spiral to the bottom to see a new perspective and that's exactly what Jessie needed to do. Jessie and Claire talk about her effort to understand both sides of a situation and switching from dating mode to relationship mode. Claire shares an update on the first pitstop in her sexual walkabout. It felt like a time warp during their conversation and not because it flowed easily. Sometimes you have to put in the work for a semi-ok time.
Sexual Walkabout
December 09, 2020 10:00 - 1 hour - 92.9 MBPack up your trail mix, water bottle, & condoms; it's time for a sexual walkabout! Claire decided she can't handle the emotional labor of dating right now but she does have some homework to do in the bedroom. The ladies get down and dirty about their intimate history and emotional detachment from doing the deed. Jessie is also figuring out how to manage disappointment while appreciating the growth it forces. And they wonder if a lot of their intimacy issues were caused from both of their mot...
Ready for Our Meet Cute with writer Lana Schwartz
December 02, 2020 10:00 - 1 hour - 71.4 MBTis the season for meet cutes, grand gestures, and unrealistic expectations. The ladies are joined by Build Your Own Romantic Comedy author, Lana Schwartz to dish all about the genre we love and love to hate. But first, Jessie and Claire chat about being an angry host, dressing for yourself, and popping delusional dreams. Claire is also positive she has toxoplasmosis so she can't be held responsible for her poor decisions.
Temperature Change
November 25, 2020 10:00 - 1 hour - 75.4 MBTis the season to be thankful. But before that, Jessie & Claire chat sweater collections, exes returning, being left behind, Mr Bagel’s prophecy text, and then 3 things they’re thankful for.
Time and a Half
November 18, 2020 10:00 - 1 hour - 88.9 MBIt may be a shock to know but other people's behavior is not a direct attack on you. We told you it was shocking! Even knowing that, it's hard to calm our triggers. Jessie and Claire discuss their triggers while figuring out communication styles, rewiring everyone's brains about period sex, trips down memory lane, borrowing pens, and relishing the sexy pick up.
Pick A Spiral Any Spiral
November 11, 2020 10:00 - 1 hour - 59.9 MBNeither Jessie nor Claire like amusement parks so last week's rollercoaster exhausted them. Thankfully they had plenty of emotions to keep them busy. Claire gives an update on her new flirtation and turned up the volume on her old broken record. Jessie tossed in a few spirals last week to keep things fun with her new guy. They chat about meeting the parents, spare toothbrushes, and making a little effort to show you care.
What's Hope Got To With It
November 04, 2020 10:00 - 53 minutes - 48.8 MBOn the precipice of the election and distant from a euphoric weekend, Jessie and Claire have been feeling a little uncertain and out of sorts lately. But that doesn't stop them from talking about the most important subject, them. They look at past behaviors that can hurt their future relationships, dissect communication styles that cause spirals, and talk about how "disappointment is the penalty for hope but planning on failing isn't a better options."
Making Bagels
October 28, 2020 09:00 - 1 hour - 75 MBNothing like a little gluten and dairy to get you in the mood. Jessie shares all the juicy details of her recent weekend rendezvous with T-shirt. There was a marble sculpture, a Ghost pottery moment, and actual arm in arm strolling in public. Claire continues to have communication issues but immediately falls for a guy who likes Bell Biv Devoe. Pop culture nostalgia is Claire's kryptonite. Both of the ladies remind you to VOTE! Check Vote411.org for voting information in your area.
Swathing Time
October 21, 2020 09:00 - 1 hour - 67.4 MBThere’s some pep in the ladies’ steps this week. Claire talks about her mingling adventure IRL with tall guys. Jessie gives a breakdown of her very slow paced yet too cute to handle dating. They also chat about the excitement you feel when a connection is made with pop culture common knowledge. And then question how they remain friends since the only pop culture cross over they have is SATC and Friends.
Gift with Purchase
October 14, 2020 09:00 - 49 minutes - 45 MBWatch out guys, Claire is back on the apps! But she may get overwhelmed and tired so have patience. Meanwhile, Jessie is going tshirt shopping and returning to her long time love, diners, with her “long distant” guy. Between medical grade ventilation and giggly park hangs, they know they’re going to have fun.
Bobbing for Boyfriends
October 07, 2020 09:00 - 59 minutes - 54.2 MBThat crisp fall air gets Jessie and Claire in the mood. If the leaves are falling, so are they. Jessie’s latest date made her question her gut, Claire was finally able to hold court again, and they both don’t think you should bike to a date. You stink. They also revisit the old tradition of bobbing for apples where the apples represented crushes and the drowned rat look represented your dignity.
What's Age
September 30, 2020 09:00 - 1 hour - 55.9 MBJessie and Claire catch up after vacation and discuss walruses eating popsicles, surprise attractions, how tv killed the motivator, backwards hats, and blaming Seinfeld for poor dating. The ladies remind you to confirm your voting plan and check your local ballot!
Battle of the Toxics
September 23, 2020 09:00 - 1 hour - 65.3 MBThe ladies are on high alert after Claire spent hours binging on a few true crime docuseries (I'll be Gone in the Dark, Love Fraud, The Vow) and Jessie was catfished on her latest date. Then the ladies talk about playing with toxic fire and how shared concern can be just as triggering from a friend.
Calves & Boobs Forever
September 16, 2020 09:00 - 1 hour - 58 MBRemember when flirting meant trying to make someone jealous by telling endless stories about other people liking you? It clearly was very successful. So thankfully Jessie’s most recent date used this #throwbackflirtation. Claire had a second date with her professional which sparks a conversation about boobs and dressing their bodies. Claire has also discovered a new diagnosis: Revenge Bedtime Procrastination. Now that her behavior has a name, she accepts her syndrome and asks that you respec...
Will Talk For Touch
September 09, 2020 09:00 - 1 hour - 67 MBIt’s Jessie’s birthday! The ladies reminisce about old birthday traditions (Who is going to carry me?!) before jumping in to chat about Jessie’s recent chatty dates and Claire’s latest paid professional who gently touched her. Sometimes it’s just easier to throw money at a problem. No judgement. We all have to get it where we can.
Famously Makes Mistakes
September 02, 2020 09:00 - 1 hour - 59.8 MBJessie is redoing her 20s by driving to a date for the first time. Claire remembers a troubling BJ shot taken with a friend's mom. They both feel seen in an article by Tara Blair Bell, 6 Mistakes Single Women That Want a Relationship Make.
Look At This Photograph
August 26, 2020 09:00 - 1 hour - 95.3 MBDo you ask an online match their last name? Do you google your date before you meet? Do you also not trust anyone without a sweet tooth? After diving into this week's dates, Jessie and Claire celebrate their love and distaste for photos and explore self talk and body dysmorphia. With all the uncertainties these days, they decide to just focus on winning one day at a time.
Vibe Check
August 19, 2020 09:00 - 1 hour - 55 MBHeroes don't always wear capes. Nor do they live up to their name for long. Jessie and Claire talk about the latest with Jessie's good date, being discovered while covered in your own feces, when you get rejected from a make out, their hot takes on a listener's question, and trick to being the life of every college party. Two words: keg stand.
Sugar Packets and Cellulite
August 12, 2020 09:00 - 1 hour - 70.6 MBJessie and Claire got vulnerable this week. One emotionally and one physically. They chat about making out in cars, parents driving you to a date, wearing thongs, and losing an FWB.