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No Such Thing As Love

166 episodes - English - Latest episode: 2 months ago - ★★★★★ - 210 ratings

Terminally single comedians, Jessie Jolles & Claire Burns, no longer believe love exists. Thankfully for us, they’re selflessly in the trenches dating to prove they are right. Laugh with them while they regale us with their dating woes and bring on special guests like a dating coach to dissect their profiles, an ex to explain what went wrong, fellow comedians to share their stories of dating, and actual blind dates that happen in the studio. Listen each week to see what new evidence they’ll have that love will never exist for them.

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SPECIAL EPISODE: Jessie and Claire Present

September 26, 2022 07:00 - 14 minutes - 13 MB

It turns out Jessie & Claire can't stay away from oversharing for too long. They popped back on their mics to tell you about their VIRTUAL live show coming up on 9.28 at 8pm EST. But it doesn't stop there! They also had to share about the latest with the matchmaker and a new crush for Claire and Jessie's big trip home with Mr Boyfriend to meet family!  Undoubtedly you'll want more of their updates and antics so buy your ticket with the link below to watch online live or even watch the recor...

Following The Fun

August 17, 2022 09:00 - 41 minutes - 37.9 MB

What a wild ride it's been. Jessie and Claire started No Such Thing As Love as a live show 5 years ago to share their silly dating stories with other comedians. After countless good, bad, and meh moments and 3+ years of the podcast, it's time to close this chapter. The ladies spend this last episode reminiscing about all the ridiculous dates, hilarious points of view, and most importantly, the growth they've experienced along the way.  Stay tuned for their exciting new monthly video show st...

Touching Your Love Language

August 10, 2022 09:00 - 51 minutes - 46.8 MB

Mistaken text identities, mismatched love languages, and missed calendar tasks. Claire did a some swooning and reflecting while watching Wolverine tap in some snug pants. Jessie has been working on what her new love language means now that she's out of her coffin. Both ladies want a pool but one on her finger and the other at her toes.  

Fight Level 1 Achieved

August 03, 2022 09:00 - 45 minutes - 41.4 MB

Is a relationship real before you have the first big fight? Or you take him shopping with your best friend? Both things happened this week and the ladies, and Boyfriend, lived to tell the tales. Claire was officially asked to join a polyamorous relationship aka a volleyball team and Jessie over prepped for a night of cyber lovin' that never was.

Right to Bare Forearms

July 27, 2022 09:00 - 51 minutes - 47.3 MB

Show me that forearm, Chef. Jessie & Claire chat about the hotness of a muscular forearm and the primal loin tingles that it causes. But the tingles don't stop there. Show them a curvy calf and a bold brow and they'll be weak in the knees. They ladies make their way down a body and end abruptly with idea of sitting on a lap. The good news is they have a big shopping trip coming up with Boyfriend and thanks to a nice guy, Claire is going to give team sports another try.  (end song Stray Cat ...

The Love Slip

July 20, 2022 09:00 - 56 minutes - 51.9 MB

Not much happened this week. Oh wait, THE BIGGEST THING HAPPENED. Somebody said "I love you!" Does this mean the show is over? Thankfully Jessie and Claire are still struggling with what that even means. But the countdown begins for when Jessie and Boyfriend become instagram official! And they receive a fun reminder that when you're flying high, there's always an old date to tell you you're the worst date they've ever had.  (end song Cuz I Love You by Lizzo)

Travel Communication

July 13, 2022 10:00 - 38 minutes - 34.8 MB

Live from the beach and fresh off a successful communication. 

Baby, You're A Firework

July 06, 2022 09:00 - 47 minutes - 43.3 MB

Still wearing their earplugs from the firework festivities, Jessie and Claire chat about Mr Boyfriend joining in a group activity and all the smooching that ensued. Claire may or may not have been setup but also failed to make anything happen with an old flame because of her horrible texting habits. One of the ladies will never change while the other is now a bonafide Girlfriend.

Not If, When

June 29, 2022 09:00 - 52 minutes - 48.5 MB

It's time to celebrate yourself! Whether you're finally coming out, successfully enjoying your first trip with a boyfriend, or just celebrating Hug Holiday, give yourself an applause break. Jessie shares the fun of her trip and how her fears started to creep in. Claire lets us know how her 2nd Tawkify date went and how she celebrated this momentous Pride week. 

It's In The Charts with Rachel Lang

June 22, 2022 09:00 - 1 hour - 60.2 MB

Everything we know about Jessie and Claire is validated this week by an insightful chat with intuitive astrologer to the stars (Claire & all her friends), Rachel Lang. They gaze beyond their sun signs to see what relationships look like for them and what desires they were destined to have. But before they look to the stars, the ladies talk about the momentous best friend & boyfriend meeting. After a conversation prompt from Jessie, Claire & Mr Boyfriend dove into references and appreciations...

It's My Treat

June 15, 2022 09:00 - 51 minutes - 47.1 MB

Sometimes a kiss is not just a kiss. And sometimes he should never not pay the tab. Now that Jessie has a "boyfriend" (!!!!), it's time to talk about money and relationships and how soon is too soon to start talking finances. Claire is prepping for an exciting week with one and a half dates! But by darting a suggestion from Jessie, Claire realizes why her date was more than just 2 scared people. It's called growth, babe. 

Keeping The Hope

June 01, 2022 09:00 - 49 minutes - 45.6 MB

When you slide into the week at an optimistic peak, you're destined for disappointment. But is that really so bad? Jessie and Claire talk about how the fear of disappointment can prevent greatness. How saying you want to be exclusive can take you on a rollercoaster journey of reactions. How showing up means more than physically being there. How being social and day drinking can revive a sleepy libido. And how the aforementioned day drinking can make you cry at the drop of a hat.

Exclusive Optimism

May 25, 2022 09:00 - 47 minutes - 43.2 MB

Is that optimism in the air or is it just summer sweat? After bowing out of a hook-up that made her leg shake, Claire goes on a semi-blind date that left her optimistically confused. Jessie escaped disappointment with a redo date that teased her Victorian flirtation dreams. Apparently there's more than one way to get horizontal.

Taking Its Sweet Time

May 18, 2022 09:00 - 48 minutes - 44.5 MB

Woman plans. Universe laughs. Jessie has experienced the longest delay of fun with her new date while the universe continues to throw obstacles of patience. Thanks to Mr Friend and his karaoke bday, the ladies have been social as well as getting in their diner time. They also talk through the cantankerous article, Single People Need to Boycott These 5 Frustrating Dating Behaviours Immediately.

In Sickness And In Health

May 11, 2022 09:00 - 1 hour - 56 MB

Texts aren't just a way to communicate, they're also a way to unexpectedly start a full rollercoaster of emotions! Claire had the pleasure of discovering this alt use when a blast from the past sent an innocent "hi." Jessie also got text bombed but she had the chance to sever a loose end. Thanks to allergy season, Jessie was also able to unlock some trauma before sneezing in front of a new date. Who needs Zyrtec when you have therapy?!

New Dates and Old Triggers

May 04, 2022 09:00 - 1 hour - 64.4 MB

The ladies have been busy recovering from their trip, continuing to celebrate the never ending birthday, marking off expensive dates, and being triggered like the good ole days. Claire officially went on her first Tawkify date and realized her preferences needed a little fine tuning. Jessie left her beloved neighborhood for a successful day date but was later triggered by the slightest whisper of a euphemism. Old habits die hard.

Nada De Amor Em Portugal

April 27, 2022 09:00 - 43 minutes - 39.8 MB

Jessie and Claire are back to tell the tales of their 2 part Portugal trip. It was filled with limping pigeons, physical attacks by the visually impaired, Scooby-Dooing in the shower, special time for fun or paranoia, and best of all, moaning.

We Used To Be Bad At Dating

April 20, 2022 09:00 - 47 minutes - 43.4 MB

Jessie and Claire take a trip down memory lane when they were embarrassingly bad at dating. Are they proud? No. Are they laughing at their own toxicity? You better believe it. Jessie talks about her bean bag experience with the cute, albeit a feckboi, bartender. Claire remembers her face eating kissing style and moss beds for outdoor sex. They really, really hope all those love interests now have fuzzy, foggy memories.  (end song Circle by Sarah McLachlan)

Zero To Some Potential

April 13, 2022 09:00 - 57 minutes - 53 MB

In the glow of her birthday approaching, Claire tried to put her Feeld membership to use. We're all thankful for the pre-hookup chemistry check because spoiler, he's the worst. Jessie gave a suitor with potential 3 tries but now he's out. They're both ready for their trip to Portugal and hungry for some potential fun!

A Refreshing Date with "Mr Friend"

April 06, 2022 09:00 - 1 hour - 62.3 MB

Dates can be friends! As proven by Jessie's recent date with Alex, or as he's known on the streets, "Mr Friend." He joins the ladies to talk about his side of the date with Jessie and the complexities/annoyances of different dating apps. Claire gives an update on her LONG anticipated date through the matchmaker. No spoilers but it went as expected. It didn't happen.

Strictly Non-Monogamous

March 30, 2022 09:00 - 50 minutes - 46.3 MB

How can you even explore non-monogamy when you haven't had a monogamous relationship in years? Jessie and Claire dive into the topic of non-monogamy after taking a course with sex and relationship therapist, Rachel Wright. They cover common misconceptions and societal norms we all need to unlearn. Jessie also chats about her recent suitor who exclusively invites her to ticketed events at Madison Square Garden. Which could be the best night of her life or a true terror.

Suggest Don't Show

March 23, 2022 13:44 - 56 minutes - 51.3 MB

Celebrating National Let's Laugh Day, Jessie and Claire are filled with laughs as they discuss the Summer of Thighs, sending sexy photos, erotic balls, and their enthusiasm to make out in public. They also answer a listener's question about handling their lover's kinks. Send in those questions to [email protected]! (end song I Want To Know What Love Is by Foreigner)

Chess Players are Liars

March 16, 2022 09:00 - 51 minutes - 93.8 MB

Can you trust someone who says they want to "catch up" but they've only ever known your sweet sweet body? It's hard to not believe them when the sweater is tight on the arms and the comfort is very appealing. After discovering the blatant lies that were told to Jessie, Claire talks about when she cheated in a threesome, they weigh the difference of physical and emotional cheating, and they both confess to threatening friends' boyfriends. They're nothing if not supportive friends. 

Girl, We Tried

March 09, 2022 10:00 - 40 minutes - 37.2 MB

The ladies heard the rudder scraping in the mud and decided to change metaphors and generate some content. Jessie & Claire hit the town this weekend! Did they really not like the inventory in 7 different bars? Did Claire prematurely buy drinks at all of them? Did Claire also shat herself days later? She really wishes one of those wasn't true.

Compliments not Flattery

March 02, 2022 10:00 - 58 minutes - 53.2 MB

After sharing their disgust for Netflix no longer allowing a full binge on new seasons (it isn't cable!), the ladies share their updates, knowledge, and bold opinions. Claire had to proactively reach out to the matchmaker she pays to be proactive but she also put some of that energy in to chatting with some peeps on Hinge. Jessie rescheduled a listener's setup to make the most of the February blues. With semi-fresh wounds, they dissect the article "3 Ways to Distinguish ‘Love Bombing’ From H...

Groundhogging Insecurities

February 23, 2022 10:00 - 46 minutes - 42.6 MB

Jessie and Claire share the newest dating term, groundhogging, and falsely believe it doesn't apply to them. But with both of their updates, they revisit some old insecurities and reactions that make us all wonder if their emotions are groundhogging them. Who can blame them when they're fooled by a hat and an obnoxious stand-up?

Plus One Required

February 16, 2022 10:00 - 1 hour - 60.6 MB

Attention all wedding hosts: you are now hereby required to give a "plus one" to all single guests. The ladies have spoken and therefore it is now law. The ladies also get into season 2 of Love is Blind and are quite relieved they didn't hit send on their submissions. Jessie went on an actual dinner date with a man in a button down and now has a new standard for dates. Or at least new hopes.

Love Bomb Swindler

February 09, 2022 10:00 - 59 minutes - 54.7 MB

The ladies are catching up from weeks lost in January. Jessie has 3 dates this week and already turned down a matchmaker setup. Claire asked for help, for one of the first times in her life, at the same time as inflicting psychological warfare on herself in the wake of 6'10's ghost. They also discuss the recipe for their Tinder Swindlers which doesn't include private jets and designer labels. Only asking questions and dating in their neighborhoods. They're easy targets.

Back from the Dead

February 02, 2022 10:00 - 56 minutes - 51.7 MB

Jessie saw the light and has finally returned to life with a little help from Pedialyte and extensive sleep. Claire gives a disappointing 6.10 update and assures us that her matchmaker hasn't ghosted her. Yet. Jessie had a surprising exchange with an old fling while on her deathbed that was really touching. But with no physical contact. And both ladies believe January didn't count so they're excited for the new year now that we're in February. 

Big Security with "6.10"

January 12, 2022 10:00 - 1 hour - 79.8 MB

Sometimes we need to hear from the other side so Jessie and Claire are joined by special guest "6.10" to share his thoughts on meeting Claire, dating as a super tall man, and what it's like to be a fetish. The 2 giants and 1 petite lady come up with a great business plan for date security. Jessie also takes us into her head as she works out a weird date with someone that was an hour late. And it shockingly wasn't Claire.

The Dirty Whore Variant

January 05, 2022 10:00 - 1 hour - 68 MB

Jessie & Claire are chock-full of silly stories, fun updates, and breakthroughs after their winter break. From Jessie's life changing visit to London, Claire's titillating rendezvous, bowling with bumpers, dropping cash for love, and misinterpreting innocent texts, the ladies cover it all. They also revisit last year's resolutions (which they may or may not have stuck to) and set some new ones for the year ahead (which they may or may not stick to). 

High on Life and Cocaine

December 01, 2021 10:00 - 44 minutes - 40.5 MB

Jessie & Claire fulfilled some Thanksgiving wishes with the help of neighborhood bars, old friends, and high hookups. Jessie is back in action on the apps doing some research before her holiday travels. Claire finally got her dancing fix at an 80s night but felt in her 60s the days following. Big update! The ladies have decided to take the month of December off from the podcast so they can fill up their journals with overseas & overstate adventures. They'll be back in 2022 to fill you all in!

Time for a Matchmaker, Matchmaker

November 24, 2021 10:00 - 51 minutes - 47.1 MB

Tis the season to grow! And we're not just talking about our waistlines. Jessie has re-evaluated her stance on not dating while working on personal growth. Spoiler: you can catch her on the apps now in new & improved profiles! Claire is officially dating men AND women after her first delightful lady date. The biggest takeaway was the easy process so Claire is currently raising funds and donating organs to employ a matchmaker for herself.  (end song "Matchmaker" from Fiddler on the Roof (Ori...

Others Doing The Work

November 17, 2021 10:00 - 43 minutes - 39.7 MB

In a much deserved break, the ladies took a back seat to the hard work this week. Jessie hits the town with a confident, hot friend who knows how to make a move while the jenga blocks fall. Claire was contacted by a matchmaker to go on her first official date with a woman. She's flying blind with no information beyond the time and place to meet. To which she's going to do her best to not be late. 

Power Singles

November 10, 2021 10:00 - 47 minutes - 43.9 MB

Celebrating Singles Day on 11.11, Jessie and Claire read through a suspicious list of 15 Things Only Single People Can Enjoy. The only thing they learned is the author needs to be checked on. While on the single subject, they chat about their own favorite parts of being single and parts they miss about couple hood. Claire just misses having an audience to laugh at her commentary. They've decided it's time to pay it forward by using their expert dating/relationship advice for any audience que...

Lessons in Domme

November 03, 2021 09:00 - 1 hour - 72.5 MB

From MFM threesomes, to lessons in dominance, to excited lovers falling asleep while in the act, the ladies sure know how to make sex fun. Jessie gives an update from the new & improved Camp Jessie about removing *most* dating apps and wanting a holiday snog. Claire gained insight on her life priorities from a nosy Uber driver and wonders if she has the energy for a threesome with 2 large men anymore. Then Sex Educator Claire shares all the dirty deets she learned from a Dominance 101 class ...

All Treats, No Tricks

October 27, 2021 09:00 - 49 minutes - 45.3 MB

Feeding off Jessie's new childlike enthusiasm for Halloween, the ladies chat about Halloween's past with hidden razor blades in candy and turtlenecks under ballerina costumes. Claire is proud of her successful match of a Hinge suitor with Jessie, telling 6'10" to get an STI test, and connecting with an on and off again app match. Jessie is back to requiring a video vetting call before dates and both ladies discuss how the fall air can bring on some holiday dread.

Swiping Left on God

October 20, 2021 09:00 - 48 minutes - 44.7 MB

You may have left an organized religion but that doesn't mean you've gained admittance into Jessie or Claire's heart. The ladies chat about religion and dating after Jessie had an unorthodox date. Claire admits her bias when swiping but realizes it's her own issues with organized religion. The good news is she asked out a lady this week! Bad news, she was rejected. Turns out dating isn't easy no matter your preference.  (end song Losing My Religion by REM)

Lab Result Truths

October 13, 2021 09:00 - 1 hour - 62.9 MB

Jessie is at the height of her game and Claire is winding down for her final act. At least that's what she feels from the recent confirmation she's perimenopausal. The trickery is that she also has chlamydia so fun can be had at any age! Jessie reached a new level of euphoria with Mr Rain which unlocked the sex goddess witch within her. It's the season of witches after all. 

Blue Boobing

October 06, 2021 09:00 - 45 minutes - 42 MB

You may not recognize them but Jessie and Claire are now athletes who do not endorse blue boobing, catfishing, or willpower. But are split on the benefits of a small dose of jealousy. This week's listicle is 7 Things Men Do That Women Hate and spoiler alert: they're all true for every human.

What's In A Label

September 29, 2021 09:00 - 1 hour - 67 MB

Hot off Bi Visibility Week, Jessie and Claire dig into what they think about labels for sexual attraction and orientation. Is it too many? Does anyone really care about them? Or are they comforting for those who have felt excluded for so long? They also talk about the preconceived judgements of bi identifying men vs women. And Claire shares a label she's becoming more comfortable with. The comprehensive list of terms they discuss is in 46 Terms That Describe Sexual Attraction, Behavior, and ...

Don't Worry Be Horny

September 22, 2021 09:00 - 54 minutes - 50 MB

Need a trick to get the ladies to like you? Be generous with compliments for Claire's attention and drip hot fudge all over your body for Jessie's admiration. The highlight of Claire's week was a compliment of her vaginal region but then quickly followed by her lowlight: receiving a confusing message via meme. Jessie had high hopes for her 2nd date but her stomach had other plans. She was able to put in the make-out time and sang along to Don't Worry Be Happy before she knew for sure, he's n...

Bearded Lady

September 15, 2021 09:00 - 1 hour - 58.3 MB

The ladies are figuring out their type. Their type of fashion, their type of communication, and their type of attraction.  Jessie tried to date outside her type and was only reassured of what she likes when seeing the wind blow through her non-type's hair. Claire can spot Jessie's type even when she's shopping for herself. She's reached out to a few bearded men on the apps about connecting with her best friend. No successful connections yet but she's changing how she approaches them now. The...

Double 3s

September 08, 2021 09:00 - 1 hour - 58.3 MB

Its officially double digit season with Jessie celebrating 33 this week and Claire sitting pretty in 44. The ladies are also celebrating Sexual Health Month by encouraging everyone to get their undercarriages checked. Claire had multiple missed connections: one honest with his mental health, one that fully ghosted, and one who believes she's a bad texter with only him. We all know, he's not that special. Jessie found herself in an unexpected crime scene when her cycle was kickstarted from ma...

Skin Deep

September 01, 2021 09:00 - 1 hour - 73.6 MB

Is there more to life than a person's looks? Jessie really hopes so. She's actually reading guys' profiles now and broadening her height range. Maybe the key to happiness looks a little different than what she imagined. On the flipside, Claire hooked up with a guy only because he was hot. He unfortunately proved her theory that hot guys aren't good lovers. The ladies also talk about hairy vs balding men, the ultimate doc of app questions, and when dirty talk crosses the line into degrading t...

I Don't Miss You

August 25, 2021 09:00 - 1 hour - 65.6 MB

If you send an insincere "I miss you," you've terminated the relationship. At least that's how Jessie reacts to the hail mary. She also experienced a traumatic incident in the wild that included a goodbye kiss. In broad daylight. Claire visited an old Feelder that may not have fulfilled her physically but more than satisfied her ego. The ladies also review 5 Questions to Ask on a First Date (& 2 to Avoid) to prep Jessie for her date later that night. 

Other Side of the Slump

August 18, 2021 09:00 - 54 minutes - 49.9 MB

Tell tale signs of a slump? Eating poorly? Check. Spending copious amounts of money? Check. Fully disconnecting from your body while choosing to be with someone of no interest just so you aren't alone? Check. Jessie walks us through her recent dip and the poor decisions that followed. Claire went on a date that was 4 years in the making. Unfortunately her body issues crept in to negate any attraction she might have had for a man more slender than her. 

Cuddle My Coffin

August 11, 2021 09:00 - 1 hour - 56.8 MB

You know it's a good week when everyone got cuddled. Desperate for a kind, comforting touch, Claire hired a professional cuddler. She broke down some barriers while nervously talking during the full hour. Jessie got some extra cuddling from a recent recurring character, Mr Rain. She had an extensive talk with her old self who kept asking for her to clarify the relationship. Turns out, her old self may just need a cuddle too. 

We're Back!

August 04, 2021 09:00 - 53 minutes - 48.8 MB

Inspired by their physical equal, Simone Biles, the ladies needed to take a mental health break last week. Thankfully they're back in action with stories about Claire feeling petite for the first and only time in her life, Jessie's lip swelling to the size of an angry army mere minutes before a date, and the ongoing effort to unlearn insecurity triggers.

Boss Daddies

July 21, 2021 09:00 - 46 minutes - 42.4 MB

All Jessie & Claire ask is that you get to know them before you give them a nickname. Claire returns from her family beach trip burned and emotionally intact. Thank heavens because in an attempt to schedule a date, she was called by her prospect so he could talk at her about how her propensity for planning prevented him from being a man. Guess how long it took her to cancel? Jessie found an easy enough local guy when looking for a connection. She's figuring out her new boundaries and how to ...


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