Mr. Fitxit
34 episodes - English - Latest episode: over 2 years ago - ★★★★★ - 10 ratingsHave you ever head-butted a 6 year old? Do you know where vinegar comes from? How often do you make duck pastrami? When’s the last time you had an A-steam? Why doesn’t The Olympics have a winner? Is it ok to tell Santiago his haircut makes him/her/them look like a member of a VIOLENT STREET GANG? Why is there a Washington state, a Washington “DC” and a Washington University in St. freakin’ Louis??? Maaaaaan I don’t know. But listen to this show. It comes highly recommended. Wear your ear goggles. There’s music in it too. Produced by JOZVEJCORP
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Episodes
Episode 33 - How to Stab Someone to Death (and What to Say While Doing the Stabbing)
January 11, 2022 05:00 - 1 hour - 86.8 MBIf I’ve written an episode description, I’ve written it 33 times. Why in the name of a Jeopardy contestant’s HOA meeting would anyone ever say, “if I told you once I told you a thousand times”???? What a bogus If/Then statement. Pretty sure MS Excel would give you a big fat #VALUE! Or #REF! for that…. Speaking of which, was that MS Excel joke “nerdy”??? I’m def fed up with jock-nerds who are all nerdy about jock things. Bro… I watch SPEEDRUN videos of KIDS playing NINTENDO 64 games when I ca...
Episode 32 - “We’re Trying to Get Pregnant” (an analysis of humans at social gatherings casually telling you they are regularly ejaculating in their spouses’ vaginal canals)
November 19, 2021 04:00 - 55 minutes - 75.6 MBZAIREEKA! Honestly y’all … I’ve read nerd ass critics say it’s terrible but I’ll tell ya….. you and your friends get your pupils dilated AF and get a 50 pound Dell laptop from 2001 and someone’s old boom box… and some other CD players from eBay or whatever …. And boyyyy I’ll tell ya… it’s cool for a few minutes. But I’m happy to have done it a few times. Hey… seriously tho… why are grownass adults going around telling ppl but not telling them they’re just blasting off into their wives’ vags?...
Episode 31 - Relative Perceptions of Eternity and Targeted Benefiber Ads
November 07, 2021 16:00 - 1 hour - 100 MBDoes Maryland even have fingers? I thought it did... I don't know I briefly looked at a map after this and it looked mega different than the last time I saw Maryland on a map. Weird. Does eternity depend on your size? But your size only matters when you have something of a different size to compare it to.... right? Does that matter when Mr. F snaps and the sound wave from his fingers travels 3 and a half meters across the room to Ms. F? What about the microscopic things floating in the air b...
Episode 30 - Sex Offenders Who Win Spelling Bees
October 19, 2021 14:00 - 1 hour - 92.7 MBWow didn’t even realize we’d done 30. HOO freakin RAY. Doesn’t it feel like Gatorade Frost just came out not that long ago? Weird. Who the hell does Mississippi think they are? Ole Miss???????? I guess if your state is that horrible maybe you have to make yourselves stand out somehow. Maybe some would say that’s what we do with this show. But does it even stand out? Maybe it sits down to stand up. Have you ever heard that song where he screams that? I have. It rocks so hard. Hey… can you bel...
Episode 29 - A Shot of Fuel into the Carb Throat
September 30, 2021 23:00 - 1 hour - 94.7 MBHey.. Have you ever made hash browns from scratch before? Have you ever been wearing red pants with the fly open and have any bits and/or pieces sticking out in the middle of class? Hey... aren't you glad you weren't born with that thing in your brain that makes you decide one day to murder your family and get a documentary made about you??? But what if you have that thing and just don't know it yet????? That'd be the freakin' WORST!!!!! Also... why would a person... who later gets shot in t...
Episode 28 - Redact My Genitals
September 19, 2021 15:00 - 1 hour - 83.8 MBWow can you figure out why there'd be a pic of Martin Mull on the cover of this one????? That can be a little game for "y'all" to figure out. Wow. That's cool. What's not cool is the kid from the Nirvana cover doing that thing he did. I can/can't believe it. This is probably the greatest episode ever. But we must have faith that future ones will continue to get better... so much better, in fact, that we look back at this one and say, "wow... that song during the capillaries part SUCKED." Wel...
Episode 27 - Headbutting People
September 09, 2021 13:00 - 1 hour - 86.1 MBI'm going to start shortening the titles of these things. Titles are nice... not just "things that the episode is about" yknow? And it's not like this episode ISN'T about headbutting kids in first grade anyway.....yknow? We finally get to the see-el-eye-tee-oh-are-eye-ess Clippers submissions this week. Sheesh it's about time. Did y'all know that cool fact about paper and folding things in half? Wow. Remember ... you can't judge a book by it's cover unless it's a self help book. Can you ima...
Episode 26 - Olympics vs CrossFit Games, Malört, Speaking in Portuguese
September 01, 2021 13:00 - 1 hour - 82.7 MBWow what a fun episode. Don’t you think someone should be able to win the whole Olympics? And if you were to retroactively turn a pseudo “conversation” about Malört into a pseudo “song,” wouldn’t you also make it in 11/4 time? Oh you don’t know anything about music theory? Neither do I. But I know how to count to 11 boy do I ever. And boy have I ever been learning how to say things about horses and bread in Portuguese on a popular language teaching-you-how-to-speak-it app. What a hoot. We l...
Episode 25 - Brushing Teeth, Dressin’ Folks’ Salads for Them, Wine, Prescription Drugs
August 04, 2021 12:00 - 55 minutes - 76.2 MBTwelve is a solid number of eps per season YKNOW??????! Plus I do feel we are in a NEW ERA of the show… so it feels right to have a NEW STARTING POINT or sumthin. I KNOW that the Z-word we refer to is ACTUALLY just someone who MAKES the stuff, not necessarily a CONNOISSEUR of the stuff but let’s “be real”… if you’re gonna make the stuff, you “should” be a CONNOISSEUR of the stuff…. AND VICE VERSA FREAKIN PROBABLY!!!? PS our “editing team” cut out an entire 6+ minutes from this about picking...
Episode 24 - Code Brown on Level 27, Calling 911, Coffee Ice Cubes, Peeing on Wigs, Penguins on TV
July 23, 2021 12:00 - 1 hour - 101 MBUh ohhhhhhhhh have you ever used THAT as a substitute for freakin' toilet paper? I was once like you. But now I'm like me because I have. Ms. F has a nice little theme now... it sounds like a video game rhythmic ceremonial ritual in a field with horns or somethin' IMHO.... or maybe even a song from Winnifred Cleo and her li'l pink button band.. but that's for Y'ALL to decide ANYway. Imagine going into your work room in the basement where your kid has been having recurring dreams about in whi...
Episode 23 - The John Stamos Basketball Hour, Raspberries, Mr. F The Magician, BIG FLOPPY Submissions
June 25, 2021 11:00 - 56 minutes - 78.2 MBHope you all have been watching / have watched the John Stamos BASKETBALL SHOW ! WOW I can't even believe it. As I type this, I already know what the whole first season meant for Johnny Stay-Mo to be a DAD. Dallas Police can't pull MR. F over in his LUXURY SEDAN hell no! Wow I didn't know THAT was why raspberries had that hole in 'em. Still don't know why they have pubes tho! Do you like the new theme song variation? Expect some more of those! Thanks for the BIG FLOPPY submissions! Stick ar...
Episode 22 - Buying Playboys in 7th Grade, Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp, Ms. F's New Car, Macaro(o)ns
June 17, 2021 10:00 - 1 hour - 84.7 MBWhoa we were on such a roll and now here we are like a month-and-a-quarter later or somethin' finally gettin' this next one out. Ah well. Are you supposed to say, “I could care less,” or, “I couldn’t care less,” when talking about if you want to hear us talk about anyway vs. anyways aGAIN this week???? What ever happened to that Cinnamon Toast Crunch shrimp tail assh0le? Is vanilla even white? Pretty sure vanilla beans are dark brown as hell. Can you believe Ms. F's old car was leaking and t...
Episode 21 - Ball Water Feature, Flying Kites on the Beach, Egging and Window Tapping, Graduation vs. Funeral
May 17, 2021 12:00 - 55 minutes - 75.6 MBEpisode 21 wow we're finally old enough to drink. Maybe you saw the video of me running out in a dress during a hail and lightning storm to move my car into the garage. Maybe you didn't! It's on Instrogam tho so whatever. Maybe I actually will venmo y'all if you can send a story similar to that one I describe involving dangly ones. Even if you don't have the same bits & pieces, I'm sure it's relatable.... maybe more relatabler TBHh. Hope you idiots appreciate the musical element of this sho...
Episode 20 - LaserDics, Ghost Stories, Cool Beds, GRUNDLE CRUNCH Submissions
May 05, 2021 02:00 - 51 minutes - 70.9 MBWow the time is finally here to read our GRUNDLE CRUNCH submissions. But not before we talk about LASERDISCS and a certain type of bed that weren’t unpopular in Mr. F’s house growing up. And speaking of houses we grew up in... how bout those GHOST STORIES we share??? I don’t know about you but I got chills up and down my grundle when I heard those in my ear goggles. EERIE AF! But seriously... imagine a ghost actually changing clothes to go haunt people. Or an eternity in the outfit you died ...
Episode 19- Oil Change, "Crazy" Coincidences, Voice Cracks, Road Rage
April 13, 2021 16:00 - 42 minutes - 58.5 MBWow... you still have time for Grundle Crunch submissions. Sheesh I mean we went on a road trip and spent a week in West Texas, y'all... you can imagine how one could get behind. Or actually you probably can't. YOU don't know what it's like to have a damn podcast in which you release episodes whenever the hell you want do you... DO YOU!!!? Wow how many times does my voice crack in this episode? Maybe because I was trying not to awaken any Marriott Courtyard guests idk... Would you want to a...
Episode 18- Introducing Ms. Fitxit, Barfing on Your Standardized Test, Water Bag Fight, Tampon Slap Submissions
March 25, 2021 16:00 - 57 minutes - 79.3 MBWow this is the first time it isn't just one moron talking non stop and / or abruptly yelling in Spanish for several minutes. Can you imagine being called THAT as a 3 year old? Or is it all made up? Thanks for everyone's fake album/song titles for TAMPON SLAP. Next time (or the time after that) we will read everyone's submissions for the fake band GRUNDLE CRUNCH. This is the longest one yet... It might take you 3-4 V or A Steams to get through it. KLILY.
Episode 17 - Texas Ice Storm, Melting in Your Mouth, Being a Detective
February 21, 2021 23:00 - 23 minutes - 32.3 MB5 days of some whacko ice and no power and then 70 degrees? What IS this place???? Imagine not chewing a burrito. Or going to a bowling alley....
Episode 17 - Texas Ice Storm, Melting in Your Mouth, Being a Detective
February 21, 2021 23:00 - 23 minutes - 32.3 MB5 days of some whacko ice and no power and then 70 degrees? What IS this place???? Imagine not chewing a burrito. Or going to a bowling alley....
Episode 16 - Stealing Baseball Cards then Becoming a Cop, Freakin Football, Santiago Looking Like a Member of a Violent Street Gang
January 18, 2021 02:00 - 31 minutes - 43.6 MBHow is football still a thing? How much does it cost to become a manager at Panera freakin' Bread Co.????? Y Santiago... tu peinado esta loco....
Episode 15- Duck Pastrami, Seatbelt Extender, Fighting Some Dude on the Altar at Church
January 05, 2021 04:00 - 24 minutes - 34.3 MBHappy New Year. Welp.... Cobra Kai is over... now what? Y’all ever get swooped by a crow? Y’all know I ran 50k last year and got also into champagne? If you ever got a spare 75 hours of time in your day, Mr. F def suggests making duck pastrami.
Episode 14 - Priests Selling Panties, Vag Steam, Adult Diapers
December 25, 2020 20:00 - 31 minutes - 42.8 MBWOW... Merry Christmas even if you are reading this in July. Do bananas even have juice? I know I certainly wouldn't mind a B/P/A Steam. Gotta go though... making some good ass potatoes. Maybe we'll talk about those next time. Potatoes are THE BEST!!!!!!!
Episode 13 - Getting electrocuted, The Year 1392, Catholic school altar boys
December 22, 2020 05:00 - 31 minutes - 43.7 MBWow ok... a new episode. It seemed too obvious to talk about 2020 and covid and shit on the first one back after a while. We won't not talk about those things soon... DON'T YOU WORRY! Everyone's homework is to find out what the F a volt is!????????????
Episode 12 - Mannequins with Nipples, Corn Tortillas, CrossFit Games and the Complete Idiots in Charge of Streaming the Event
August 17, 2019 11:00 - 21 minutes - 29.2 MBRemember when CrossFit fired the CF Games media team but somehow the same f-ing morons covered the event? Holy shit why do people (including myself) watch this horseshit every year? And If I’m ever in a position where I have to order mannequins for my business, you can bet your smooth plastic bulge that Jozvej, Corp. is gettin’ em with nipples. Let @mrfitxit know if you have questions or you need guidance becoming stronger / fitter or you want music, videos, etc created. The 17th fittest old...
Episode 11 - NEW HOME, Busted Ankle, New Podcast with @livbanch, Nerds Who Get Sunburned, Rotating National Anthems
August 06, 2019 04:00 - 28 minutes - 39.1 MBDamn man like 4 hours into living in my new town and I sprain my freakin' ankle fallin' from a freakin' warehouse ceiling. Hopefully I can jump out of planes again soon. Buuuuuut sheesh idk freakin' when. Don't you think we should have a new national anthem with every president? What do you think Donny Boy's song would be? If he was cool at all he'd pick somethin' like the 1979 Euro disco hit "Moskau" by German pop band Dschinghis Khan. Annnnnd new podcast with @livbanch in the works. We l...
Episode 10 - Naturdays, Stabbing People, The Best Weapon in Clue
June 26, 2019 19:00 - 35 minutes - 48.5 MBDamn the longest episode yet. I also burp once on accident. That shit is not cool. But what do you expect when I'm pounding STRAWBERRY GUAVA SELTZER during this shit?
Episode 09 - Skydiving, Catapult System, Doing Crystal Meth
June 19, 2019 15:00 - 25 minutes - 35.4 MBHOLY SHIT! Am I back? Who's to say! But I sure have plenty more to talk about. I said it'd be every week... maybe every month though for this one month stretch. Have you ever jumped your ass out of a plane? I was once like you!
Episode 08 - Old Man CrossFit Qualifier, Drive Thrus, Group Tetxitxts
May 09, 2019 11:00 - 15 minutes - 13.8 MBDamn man I guess it’s been a few weeks. It’s time to give back and start buying coffee and breakfast sandwiches for strangers. And to not ignore group texts. Why am I sick tho? Four Old Man workouts in one day’ll do it to you I guess.... laying in bed sneezing and shit.... that’s horseshit.
Episode 07 - Taxes, “The Da Vinci Code” Starring Forrest Gump and Amelie, Virtual Shoveling
April 17, 2019 00:00 - 27 minutes - 25 MBGosh the I R S is the best service there is y’know? Im really lookin forward to VIRTUAL SHOVELING this year in the CrossFit Masters Online Qualifier. This is seriously the best episode yet tho for real. I love you.
Episode 06 - Guilty Pleasures, Honeycrisps, Marie F-ing Kondo, Whisk Balls
April 09, 2019 04:00 - 16 minutes - 14.8 MBHopefully you enjoy these wonderful episodes with ear goggles on. I pay extra so you can enjoy this shit in stereo and boy howdy am I gonna take advantage of it, mister! Have you ever folded your clothes like Marie “The Condo” Kondo? Yeah have fun with the nice crease(s) you get down the front of your t shirts... lookin like an asshole when you try to eat burgers on brioche buns with your loser friends. Keep listening. I love you.
Episode 05 - Burrito Story, Paying Instagram Influencers to do Algebra, Life as a 117 Year Old Man, Coffee&Vodka, Weighted Jazz Hands
April 02, 2019 04:00 - 25 minutes - 23.3 MBThere’s two kinds of people in the world.... the person I saw ask for a wet tortilla rolled into her burrito this past weekend.... and then there’s the rest of us. Do you know the best way to release anger while in the gym? Mr. Fitxit does. Listen to this bullshit to find out mmmmmmmmmmm hmmmmmmmm...
Episode 04 - YouTube (pt.1 probably), Form Nazis, Panic During Workouts, Socrates’s Bulge
March 25, 2019 04:00 - 14 minutes - 13.6 MBWow the CF Open is over already. I think your young 35 year old boy made top 200 on PLANET EARTH noooo problem. Hey what about these dweeches (dweebs+douches) who give “thumbs down” to YouTube vids? Listen to us make fun of them a little/lot. And learn how to endure “panic” while being trapped in a rower in a workout. .....and realizing this is all just a waste of time ......and it is worthless to try..... and why are you even doing this.... this hurts... you’ll prob die alonecough ahem.... ...
Episode 03 - Nutrition, How Many Grams in a Pound of Weed, Dull Knives, Feta Cheese
March 21, 2019 06:00 - 16 minutes - 15.1 MBMan I sure love eggs. Don't you? What do you like better... with potatoes or with a bagel? The correct answer is C: either is awesome as long as I have ketchup.
Episode 02 - Fitness Nerds, Screech v. Slater, Rubik’s Cubes, Captain Marvel
March 21, 2019 05:00 - 10 minutes - 9.76 MBDon't you love the new trend of people making up their own exercises? You probably do if you're a fitness nerd like these people. And that's cool. Too bad I'm cool and pretend to do Rubik's Cubes.
Episode 01 - People Who Write Textbooks, Leaderboards Without Numbers, Burning Mattresses, and What Even IS Mr. Fitxit?
March 21, 2019 04:00 - 16 minutes - 15.5 MBAnd WHO is Mr. Fitxit... and maybe more importantly... WHY is Mr. Fitxit. I can’t remember if I answered these questions or not. All we/ I/ he know(s) is that there’s some bullshit out there in the fitness world that should be made fun of. And yeah.... I know if you go to the CF Games website there are numbers on the leaderboard... but WOULD we have been able to complain about the app for 7-12 minutes if we just said that? And wtf the app should be the best... what is this... 1997? Only geri...