E23 A Vision for Your Friendships Part 3 – Why you don’t have the friendships you want and what to do about it

Hey Mama who desires to have more friends…or deeper, richer friendships…but is having a hard time with this right now.  What’s stopping you? Well, of course, COVID, and the patterns of life that have changed as a result have been stopping us, right? It’s been two years – that’s significant!

We’ve lived differently than we were accustomed to. That’s over 730 days to adopt new habits, including NOT making plans with friends, NOT getting dressed, NOT putting on lipstick, and NOT feeling good when we walk out the door – maybe even feeling a little scared or fearful. It feels like a lot of effort. 

But we really do need one another. Friendship, connection, support, discussion, laughter – all the elements of friendship – lead to a greater sense of well-being. 

Take that first step and send the text or make the phone call. Once you’ve taken that step, take the next, and the next until you’re with a friend. Even if it feels a little uncomfortable at first, you’ll settle in and enjoy yourself. 

In addition to COVID, there are other things that stop us from having the friendships we desire. 

One thing is a Lack of Self-Confidence.

We self-proclaim, “I don’t initiate friendship.” I held this belief for many years. Behind it was insecurity. 

The truth is I lacked the confidence to make the first move. Loneliness resulted. I had to initiate friendship, because I couldn’t stand the feeling of isolation. I invited an acquaintance for coffee. It worked out really well! She was delighted I asked, and we struck became friends. 

Another friendship-stopper is Comparison

When we believe “she’s” got it altogether – dresses well, is a calm mom, her house is neat as a pin, she’s a great cook, her marriage appears perfect – then we feel inadequate, not enough, and therefore unable to be hospitable. 

Whether it’s a full meal, a pot of soup, or a pizza night, have that gathering and use the KISS principle - Keep It Simple Sweetheart. Do what you do well…You be you!!

The third thing that stops us from having the friendships we desire is Shame

I loved my friends and I’m a pretty social being. Definitely an extrovert who finds connecting with people energizing. But I hesitated to have anyone over because I felt ashamed of my home. 

I had a little conversation with God about this. That still small voice whispered, “How about a little gratitude? I have given you all that you need and more. Be thankful!” I found myself thinking, “Yeah, but…” I caught myself and it was a bit of a lightning bolt moment. I turned my complaints into gratitude. And this really did “open the door” to spontaneously invite friends over more readily. 

So what’s your vision for friendship? Are you just looking to reconnect to one friend? Have a post-shutdown gathering at your home with couples? Or go out to dinner with your girlfriends?

If self-confidence stops you from initiating, look in the mirror and say out loud, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” or even “I am a friendship initiator!” Do it afraid if you have to. 

If comparison stops you, catch yourself and stop yourself. Figure out how to be authentically you and gather in a way that uses your gifts and makes you feel comfortable.

And if shame is stopping you from being the welcoming host you want to be, look around you. What are you grateful for? Turn your complaints into thanks. Your warm smile will be the first thing your friends see when they walk in your door. 

Friendship stuff can be challenging. Give yourself some grace and at the same time give yourself a little push to connect. You’ll be glad you did and so will the friends you’ve connected with.