Map the Maze
64 episodes - English - Latest episode: over 1 year ago -If you are facing mediation for your separation and divorce then it can feel as if you are being confronted by a maze. This podcast will help you to map the maze and give you tools to come out on the other side.
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Episodes
Recharge Your Batteries
November 24, 2022 05:15 - 8 minutes - 8 MBIf you're listening to this episode consider checking out the Youtube video on Map the Maze for visuals. Today I wanted to talk about flow and the importance of achieving flow state to recharge your batteries. The end of the year can be challenging for everyone and if you are also experiencing separation and divorce then you may be feeling overwhelmed. We all know what helps us to clear our minds. The key though is to schedule and do it. Ensuring you find time for flow can increase you...
Interview with Sebastian Droesler (Pt 2)
October 08, 2022 02:41 - 26 minutes - 24.8 MBWelcome back for the concluding part of this interview with Sebastian. Join us again for the continuation of the conversation. For more information about Sebastian and his work check out his website: https://counsellinghongkong.com
Interview with Sebastian Droesler (Pt 1)
October 01, 2022 02:38 - 37 minutes - 34.4 MBAfter a long summer hiatus Map the Maze is back with a bang. A two part interview with Sebastian Droesler counsellor and mindfulness coach. We discuss life, the universe and everything. So make a cup of tea and settle in to be part of our conversation. If you would like to find out more about Sebastian's work then check out his website: https://counsellinghongkong.com
MTM Goes to the Movies - Life of the Party
December 13, 2021 05:01 - 10 minutes - 9.75 MBFor once a (mostly) positive movie about separation and divorce? Melissa McCarthy's character goes on a massive journey as she learns of the divorce, goes back to college and learns how to thrive. I enjoy this for the 80s music and the empowerment. There are questionable choices and as a family mediator, involving her daughter in the post-separation conflict and the extreme revenge fantasy are not constructive. However as a depiction of someone who thinks that life is over and then decid...
MTM Goes to the Movies - the Wedding Crashers
December 07, 2021 07:18 - 8 minutes - 7.69 MBFor the festive season I decided to look at some of the depictions of mediation on screen. Starting with the Wedding Crashers in which Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughan are family mediators. How realistic is the 4 minutes at the beginning of the movie? Listen to find out... If you haven't seen this clip, then check out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_IIy...
MTM Getting Help - Building a Team
November 21, 2021 19:00 - 9 minutes - 9.1 MBBuilding a team and putting one together can help you get through separation and divorce in the best and most constructive way possible. First step is to identify who you already have in the team. Then identify any gaps. Use the existing team / word of mouth to help you find the missing elements. If you are going to work with a professional then make sure it is someone you feel comfortable with. Have a preliminary call and see if this is someone you would like to work with. The work it...
Getting Help - Yourself
November 14, 2021 18:00 - 15 minutes - 14 MBWhat are the ways you can help yourself? take care of yourself - sleep / eating / exercise flowstate journalling support groups and make sure to schedule it.
Getting Help - Friends and Family
November 07, 2021 18:00 - 15 minutes - 14.3 MBAlmost everyone relies on friends and family to help them transition through separation and divorce. What do you need to know? Who is the hawk? moderate? dove? in your tribe?
Getting Help - Professionals
November 02, 2021 05:15 - 22 minutes - 20.6 MBThis month is all about getting help when going through separation and divorce. Most people will seek professional help during their separation and divorce. The most common that I see for my clients are: counsellors / lawyers / financial advisors. Listen in to find out what issues you may want to consider when working with a professional.
Atomic Divorce Habits Ep 4
October 25, 2021 02:00 - 14 minutes - 13.5 MBThis week - what are some of the helpful ideas from James Clear's Atomic Habits that can be adapted for separating or separated co-parents?
Atomic Divorce Habits Ep 3
October 20, 2021 13:39 - 7 minutes - 6.67 MBThis week, I'll be talking about habit stacking and the Goldilocks principle both from James Clear's book Atomic Habits.
Atomic Divorce Habits Ep 2
October 11, 2021 00:00 - 9 minutes - 8.56 MBJames Clear, author of "Atomic Habits" explains that goals are good for setting a direction but systems are best for making progress. How can people in family mediation build systems to help build good habits for their future co-parenting? Listen in to find out...
Atomic Divorce Habits
October 04, 2021 00:00 - 7 minutes - 7.19 MBIn Atomic Habits, James Clear illuminated how we build habits / why we stick to or abandon habits / how to build systems to support habits. A great book for anyone, but especially helpful ideas for people who are transitioning their family through divorce / separation. This month is Atomic Divorce Habit month. Join me to find out how atomic divorce habits can help with co-parenting in a separated family. Atomic Habits - James Clear
Summer Book Club: Guide for Separated Parents (Karen and Nick Woodall)
August 09, 2021 10:00 - 12 minutes - 23.8 MBWhen parents separate, it can be difficult to delineate the reaction to the ending of the adult relationship and the necessary continuation of the co-parenting relationship. This book is relatively short and compact. It provides insights from the Woodalls' practice for separated parents about how to put the focus back on their children and on co-parenting.
Summer Book Club: Dating Radar
July 26, 2021 06:00 - 4 minutes - 8.92 MBToday's book is about how to notice warning signs on the way into a relationship. Not the obvious choice for a list put together by a family mediator. However, Bill Eddy whose work I have previously discussed provides a guide for people who are not yet in relationship. If you are single or recently single then consider adding this to your summer reading.
Summer Book Club: Should I stay or should I go?
July 19, 2021 01:00 - 6 minutes - 4.62 MBIn marriage mediation I work with couples whose relationships have hit a crisis point. They have decided to try and reconcile and want to ensure there is space to allow this to happen. In this book, Lee Raffel guides readers through thoughts and processes to enable parties to decide if they should stay and work on reconciliation or not. If they do decide to stay, Raffel has ideas about what that controlled separation should look like practically. This may seem like an unusual choice for...
Summer Book Club: BIFF for Coparent Communication
June 21, 2021 01:00 - 10 minutes - 19.8 MBLaunch of the Summer Book Club! Today, "BIFF for Coparent Communication" by Bill Eddy et. al. Almost every week, I use BIFF at work or in my personal life to respond to a message / email / text that I find triggering. BIFF was created by Bill Eddy. It is a tool to ease communication and de-escalate conflict. Check out the High Conflict Institute set up by Bill Eddy. Bill has focused on helping people to find resolution when in conflict, especially if the other person has high conf...
Debunking Top 5 Divorce Mediation Myths
June 14, 2021 01:00 - 10 minutes - 20 MBI love mythology, but mediation myths can harm parties. Listen to find out the top 5 divorce mediation myths. Nothing in this podcast is intended to be legal, financial or mental health advice. Always consult a professional for advice in relation to your situation.
Difficult Conversations - the Post Mortem
May 30, 2021 17:00 - 14 minutes - 25.8 MBIn this last episode in the difficult conversations topic, I talk about the post mortem. After the difficult conversation, not many people reflect and view what happened. Asking yourself some questions to guide that reflection can help to make sure you learn from the conversation - however it went! Make sure to make the most from this opportunity to learn more about yourself and how to have a better difficult conversation next time. Nothing in this podcast is intended to be legal, financi...
Difficult Conversations: How Not to Lose Control
May 23, 2021 20:00 - 18 minutes - 33.2 MBAnd the one most important tip - Move your body - n to find out why...r emotions. Don't let your emotions or reactions to the other person, distract you from achieving your goals. Listen to find out how... - increase your emotional library - monitor body reactions - find your flow AND schedule it - be curious - label your emotions - engage your prefrontal cortex - System 2 And the one most important tip - Move your body - Listen to find out why... Nothing in this podcast is intend...
How can we prepare for difficult conversations in family mediation?
May 17, 2021 00:00 - 16 minutes - 15.1 MBUsing ideas from a workshop on difficult conversations in the workplace, I wanted to share some ideas about difficult conversations in family mediation. First step is preparation and in this podcast, I will share some ideas about how to prepare. Podcast is also available on Youtube on the Map the Maze channel if you feel like video! Books referred to: Getting More - Stuart Diamond Difficult Conversations - Stone, Patton and Heen Nothing in this podcast is intended to be legal , financia...
What opportunities for better conflict management exist within mediation?
May 13, 2021 05:53 - 14 minutes - 13.4 MBThis is the last in the opportunity series. What opportunities for better conflict management exist within family mediation? How can participating in family mediation lead to better conversations and discussions outside mediation? Listen in or watch the Map the Maze podcast channel. Nothing in this podcast, is intended to be legal, financial or mental health advice. You should always consult a professional regarding your personal circumstances.
How can mediation empower me around finances?
April 19, 2021 07:30 - 20 minutes - 18.7 MBNext in the Opportunity series, a look at how mediation can empower people in respect of finances. Often people express fears about their finances: they have insufficient knowledge they do not have the same values around finances as their former partner they are worried about financial stability going forward Mediation helps address these concerns. In mediation, people are encouraged to feel empowered around finances. This can mean, asking questions, understanding assets / liabilities...
How can mediation help me to co-parent with my ex?
April 05, 2021 01:00 - 21 minutes - 19.7 MBContinuing the series about the opportunities in mediation, today I wanted to share ideas about how mediation can help parents with co-parenting. As the adult relationship is coming to an end, the co-parenting relationship continues. Mediation gives parents a space and structure to: communicate and understand any differences and similarities design a new paradigm for co-parenting focus on co-parenting as opposed to their adult relationship find ways to design their communication, bound...
What opportunities does separation / divorce bring?
March 29, 2021 01:00 - 21 minutes - 19.5 MBWe often focus solely on the negative aspects of separation and divorce. The impact of all the losses experienced by people in separation and divorce cannot be minimised, but it is not the whole story. Over the next few weeks, I want to share some ideas with you about the opportunities, the new beginnings that people can experience. Nothing in this podcast is intended to be financial, legal or mental health advice. You should always consult a professional for advice in relation to your c...
How do we train family mediators?(3)
March 22, 2021 05:00 - 16 minutes - 15.4 MBFinal part in this series - focuses on communication. Listen in to learn about what we teach mediators about listening, acknowledging, reframing and summarising.
How do we train family mediators? (2)
March 15, 2021 00:00 - 15 minutes - 14.3 MBIn the second part, I wanted to share some of the ideas that we use to train family mediators in respect of negotiation. We have all been at the market and done the salami slice school of negotiation, where one person starts high and the other starts low, and then through incremental offers, try and close the gap. Modern mediation is based on a different theory of negotiation, interest-based or principled negotiation. How is this different from what we do in the market? listen in to find out...
How do we train family mediators? (1)
March 09, 2021 06:03 - 16 minutes - 14.9 MBIn the next three episodes I wanted to share with you how we train family mediators. This week looks at the underlying philosophy and how family mediators try to work in children's best interests. Next week, I start looking at some of the skills.
How do mediators see the stages of divorce?
March 01, 2021 07:36 - 18 minutes - 16.9 MBHaving looked at a few other ways to think about the stages of divorce and separation, today I wanted to share how I see the different stages. This can be a helpful way of seeing when people may work with a mediator and some of the challenges about working with a mediator at the different stages. Understanding what stage you are at can help to prepare for the mediation and also to understand where the other person may be in the transition.
What are the stages of divorce?
February 22, 2021 08:07 - 21 minutes - 19.6 MBToday I'm sharing Kessler's 7 stages of divorce. Why is it helpful to think about the stage of divorce you may be experiencing? There are a few reasons why I think it's helpful: often people transitioning through divorce and separation can feel very isolated. In reality, many people experiencing divorce and separation have felt similar emotions. whatever you are experiencing or feeling will not last forever, it may be your present, but it is not your future other people have managed t...
View from the Top: Interview with Andrea Clark, trichologist
February 15, 2021 01:00 - 30 minutes - 27.9 MBToday we are joined by Andrea Clark, trichologist. Andrea shares with us her expertise and insights into the impact separation and divorce may have on our hair and scalp health. She also shares ideas about when to seek help and how to improve our own hair and scalp health. For more information on trichology: [email protected] or follow her on Instagram: Andrea_stylist_trichologist Nothing in this podcast is intended to be financial, legal or mental health advice. You ...
What stage of divorce am I in?
February 08, 2021 01:00 - 21 minutes - 19.8 MBWay back in 1970 Paul Bohannon identified what he described as the six station model of divorce. Although 50 years has passed these stations remain true for parties experiencing divorce and separation in 2021. Each station has a focus and impact on how parties respond in mediation. The six stations are: emotional divorce legal divorce economic divorce co-parental divorce community divorce psychic divorce Nothing in this podcast is intended to be financial, legal or mental health ad...
How do I make changes to my mediated agreement?
February 01, 2021 01:00 - 15 minutes - 14.8 MBIt may be that life changes require a mediated agreement or a court order to be varied to take into account changes in life. This can be foreseen if the changes relate to the developmental changes / needs of children, or it may be because someone has lost a job and can no longer afford the maintenance ordered. People may return to mediation to discuss with the other party the changes that they wish to make. Of all changes to arrangements, the hardest one to discuss is relocation of one par...
How do I sign the final agreement?
January 25, 2021 01:00 - 20 minutes - 19 MBAs the hard work of mediation draws to a close people start to focus on the mediated agreement. The status of this document is different in different jurisdictions and if you have questions you should check with a lawyer in your jurisdiction. Once the agreements by the parties have been drafted by the mediator what are some of the things that can happen? How do people move towards signing the mediated agreement? Remembering and re-focusing on the priority goals / gains and risk analysis can...
How can I close the last gap in negotiations?
January 18, 2021 01:00 - 17 minutes - 16.1 MBIn some negotiations, the parties may reach a point of where it seems that there is no energy or creativity left to settle the last issue. This can be caused by: •the cumulative effect of their concessions can overwhelm the parties •a party may feel ambivalence about ending the and that feeling may prevent them from coming up with a solution John Wade wrote a fascinating article, "The Last Gap in Negotiations: Why is it important? How can it be crossed?" and suggested multiple ways to cl...
How to make a counter proposal?
January 13, 2021 04:27 - 14 minutes - 13.6 MBWhen you receive a proposal in mediation, it is fine to refuse it. You can then wait for the other person to come back with another offer, or as part of a constructive negotiation dance, you can make a counterproposal. Use the proposal as information, what does it tell you about what the other person thinks you want? what do they know ? what are the gaps in their knowledge about what is important for you? Analyse the elements of the proposal - what works? what needs to be adjusted? what is...
How to consider proposals?
January 04, 2021 01:00 - 22 minutes - 20.6 MBWhen we receive a proposal from someone, we often respond with an instinctive "No" . In mediation, there are a few key factors to considering a proposal which can help to close gaps, including: listening - sounds basic but often we don't hear things clearly clarifying questions - ask questions to understand a proposal - it is easy to make assumptions take a moment to reflect - does this meet my needs? be conscious of cognitive biases e.g. reactive devaluation do risk analysis - lots of...
How do I get my proposal accepted?
December 14, 2020 01:00 - 25 minutes - 23.9 MBThere are lots of factors to consider when making proposals in mediation. Today I talk about: Where are we in the negotiation dance? Insult? Closing the gap? Does this offer meet their needs? Does this offer meet my needs? Does this offer build on their previous offers? Or is this a different way to do things? What elements of the offer could I consider which are important to them and not important to me? What is easy for me to give / do and valuable for them? Have I considered the ris...
What do I need to know about joint sessions?
December 07, 2020 01:00 - 25 minutes - 23.3 MBAfter the individual intakes, the family mediator will meet with both parties in the joint session. What happens? what do you need to prepare? what should you expect? and importantly, how can you get the best out of the session? Disclaimer Nothing in this episode is intended to be legal, financial or mental health advice. You should always consult with an independent professional to obtain advice in relation to your specific circumstances.
What do I need to know about intake?
November 30, 2020 01:00 - 25 minutes - 24 MBMost family mediators will meet with each party individually prior to mediation, this is often called an intake. This episode covers what happens at intake, what questions you may be asked and what questions you can ask of the mediator. How can you get the most out of your intake for the mediation. Disclaimer Nothing in this episode is intended to be legal, financial or mental health advice. You should always consult with an independent professional to obtain advice in relation to your s...
How to stay calm and not lose control in mediation?
November 23, 2020 01:00 - 28 minutes - 26.5 MBIn this episode, Dr Monica Borschel and I discuss how you can help to stay calm and focused in mediation. We focus on how to prepare yourself before mediation, techniques for during mediation and steps for after your mediation. If you are about to start mediation, or in the middle, or post-mediation there is information to help anyone. If you are interested in more Map the Maze, please use the link to download my guide to preparation for family mediation. Please note that nothing in this ...
How do people try and survive their mediation?
November 16, 2020 01:00 - 25 minutes - 23.8 MBWhen we perceive threats, we can react subconsciously with fight / flight / freeze / fawn responses. What do these look like when we are trying to make arrangements in mediation for divorce and separation? Join Dr Monica Borschel and me to discuss these responses and what they may look like in mediation. If you are interested in more Map the Maze, please use the link to download my guide to preparation for family mediation. Please note that nothing in this episode is intended to be legal,...
Divorce - why does my life feel like its over?
November 09, 2020 01:00 - 21 minutes - 19.9 MBFor some people, separation and divorce can feel like their life is over. Join Dr Monica Borschel and me to discuss how attachment style may impact people experiencing divorce and separation. There is no one way to respond to divorce and separation. Dr Monica referred to: Your Personality website If you are interested in more Map the Maze, please use the link to download my guide to preparation for family mediation. Please note that nothing in this episode is intended to be legal, fina...
Forgiveness: Let's land the planes!
November 02, 2020 08:09 - 24 minutes - 22.8 MBIn this week's episode I share his ideas on the 'how-to' of forgiveness. Some key ideas for Forgiveness Know exactly how you feel about what happened – be able to articulate it – tell a couple of trusted people your experience Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. No one even needs to know your decision Understand your goal. Forgiveness does not mean reconciling with the person who hurt you – you are after peace and well-being for yourself. Give up exp...
Forgiveness: how do the planes get up there?
October 28, 2020 05:20 - 20 minutes - 18.7 MBLast week, I shared with you Luskin's ideas about forgiveness, including the idea that we need to learn how to forgive for our health. Luskin describes the challenge we each face when we have not forgiven someone of the planes that never land. The grievances we have which prevent us from living fully in the present and having control over how we live and feel. This week, I will be sharing Luskin's ideas about how the planes get up there in the first place. Next week, the all important - h...
Why should I forgive them?
October 19, 2020 01:00 - 21 minutes - 20.3 MBAs children we are often told to forgive others who hurt us. When separating, people are often deeply hurt by the actions of the other person. Holding onto that pain and sense of powerlessness can have a significant negative health impact. Dr Fred Luskin suggests a different way, he argues we need to take back control and assert our own power to forgive for our own good. Forgiveness is not about accepting what's happened, minimising our pain or forgetting. Instead it is about freeing our...
Why should I apologise?
October 12, 2020 01:00 - 25 minutes - 23.4 MBIn family mediation, people have often made choices, or behaved in ways which they regret. These can have caused pain / anger for the offended person. Can an apology help? it depends. If there will be an ongoing relationship e.g. co-parenting, then an apology may help create some space to begin that path together. Apologies if offered need to be made thoughtfully and appropriately - when and where? what can you say? what are you willing to take responsibility for? In his book, "On Apolo...
Time-travellers and divorce
October 05, 2020 01:00 - 22 minutes - 21.2 MBIt is easy to imagine how people experiencing separation and divorce may wish to time travel and make different choices. In his book Two Homes One Childhood, Robert Emery challenges parents to consider time travel to the future. An imagined future where the conflict is behind you and your children have grown up. What will be important from this time perspective? Visualising an imagined future can help people to shift out of present-day conflict and chaos. "Two Homes One Childhood" Robert ...
How do we tell the kids?
September 28, 2020 01:00 - 23 minutes - 22 MBOne challenge parents often confront is how to tell their children about the separation and divorce. There is help at hand in Jean McBride's book, from counsellors or even in family mediation. It is not unusual that in family mediation, parents work together to create a message that both can agree on, that is supportive of children and is consistent. Family mediators work with parents to consider the specific context, and also to use psycho-social education to consider the age and develop...
How do psychologists work in Child Inclusive Mediation?
September 21, 2020 04:00 - 25 minutes - 23.4 MBLast week I talked about the Child Inclusive Mediation process. Today, I welcome back Dr Monica Borschel who works as a child consultant to talk about child inclusive mediation in more detail. Listen to the podcast to hear her talk about how she works with children, how does feedback work and how can parents make the most of the information shared in child inclusive mediation. For more information about Dr Borschel, visit her website: www.drmonicaborschel.com Book referred to in the epis...