I Know, I Need To Stop Talking... so I made a podcast
76 episodes - English - Latest episode: 6 months ago -I've been rambling on for years on my blog, and now I thought I'd start rambling on via a podcast as well. I'm eclectic; very sweary; frequently livid; perpetually confused. Topics I'm likely to cover will include gin, parenting, gin, why Original Source mint and tea tree shower gel is a fucking liability, gin, general musings on life, and a bit more gin. I believe kindness is everything, and that we should all try generally to be a little bit less of a dick.
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Episodes
The Podcast Is Back!!!
October 28, 2023 18:00 - 33 minutes - 22.7 MBIn which, after an 18 month absence, the podcast comes back!!! We discuss the ever-chaotic state of my desk; the arrival of Toast (the kitten, not the baked goods); my views about cats on beds; Beth's early morning surprise; Jamie turning sixteen; GCSE revision (bring back fronted adverbials, all is forgiven!); the perils of building work; me going to the gym - not a sentence I ever thought I'd say; and my latest Achievement in Adulting.
The World's Worst Podcaster
July 16, 2022 16:00 - 24 minutes - 17 MBIn which it's apparently very hot; I am the world's worst podcaster; I share one of Mr IKINTST's most excellent comedy moments; Jamie makes a startling prediction; we receive surprising news; I try and fail completely to cope emotionally with the end of Beth's primary school journey; Beth smashes Sports Day; and I have an awful lot of fun with scaffolding. Oh, and I make a huge great colossal error towards the end of the podcast which I couldn't quite manage to edit out, so have fun spotting...
Nana
June 04, 2022 18:00 - 29 minutes - 20.3 MBIn which I remember Nana; I share some very exciting breaking news, which will excite precisely no one other than me; I hit new levels of incompetence; there's a Tiger Balm-related warning; death is sh*t, and dementia even more so; Beth finds a Northern Bath; and I share some of my favourite memories of Nana with you all.
A shaved cucumber
May 08, 2022 10:00 - 27 minutes - 18.9 MBIn which I gear up for a bonkers week; I have the Night From Hell; my cats are absolute dicks; we discuss the utter pointlessness of SATS; Beth plays her last game of the season; my kids develop a weird obsession; I reveal one of my greatest weaknesses, and one of my biggest fears; I give my top hayfever tip; and Beth shaves a cucumber.
The big mice are coming!
April 23, 2022 16:00 - 21 minutes - 14.9 MBIn which I update you all on my writing plans; I explain why you didn't get a podcast last week; Beth has a difficult day; I contemplate taking on an Easter egg challenge; Jamie has a big week; we have a family reunion; I reminisce on the madness of life growing up in a small village; and the big mice invade!
Don't try and tell me this isn't where the glamour is!
April 10, 2022 12:00 - 20 minutes - 14 MBIn which I am deeply unglamorous; I have my first AirBNB experience, and make a total tw*t out of myself in public; the cats are d*cks; we reminisce on school trips of old, including my first ever visit to the Royal Albert Hall; Jamie makes an unreasonable request; and my teenage self is absolutely batsh*t.
I'm too old for this sh*t
March 26, 2022 17:00 - 27 minutes - 19.1 MBIn which the podcast comes BACK; we have a very exciting Friday night out; I prove my old age credentials; my cat is a twat; I have a near death experience; my children are heroes; I celebrate my wedding anniversary and reminisce over the abject chaos of my wedding day; and Beth plays in the cup final.
"I loved seeing that dead fox"
February 20, 2022 11:00 - 26 minutes - 18.3 MBIn which it is very windy; my love sausage comes out a treat; I discover something even more disturbing than a love sausage; Jamie reviews his sister's football prowess; there is a disappointing lack of sharknados; we have an unwelcome return to home learning; I have a deep-seated distrust of planes; and my children are rather too enamoured by a very dead fox.
The love sausage
February 13, 2022 16:00 - 25 minutes - 17.6 MBIn which I go out to buy a love sausage; I do some Proper Adulting; Beth gives me a very proud parenting moment; we celebrate the little things; I tell the truth about just what I found when clearing out my loft; my children do Bad Art; I live in hope that I might have come back into fashion; we award the Dick Cat of the Week Award; I retell my worst ever rainy day moment; and I laugh possibly more than I've ever laughed on a podcast, ever.
UP THE BORO!
February 05, 2022 17:00 - 28 minutes - 19.4 MBIn which I successfully complete Dry January; Beth plays in the cup semi-final; I excel at Embarrassing Parenting; we celebrate UP THE BORO!; Brexit is a klutz, and I worry about cats being stereotyped; my dad finds vacuuming his car more confusing than he'd hoped; I try to work out how we make these podcasts more accessible; Jamie's girlfriend arrives at our house LIVE ON THIS PODCAST; I announce our new family project; I share the household work you should avoid at all costs; and Beth step...
I've got a really accessible cervix!
January 29, 2022 15:00 - 27 minutes - 18.7 MBIn which I return from a podcast hiatus; I stagger to the end of Dry January; I explain all the reasons you should steer well clear of the Mother Of All Thunder; my house smells bad; I review Spiderman: No Way Home; I lose the London Eye; Beth wins a bet; and I take my really accessible cervix off for a smear test.
We did it!
January 09, 2022 17:00 - 25 minutes - 17.4 MBIn which we all make it through the first week in January; I tackle Dry January; Jamie is bemused by testing, and Blazer-Gate ensues; the kids and I have an emotional Saturday night; I go viral (in the non-Covid sense); we talk about the perils of parental gaslighting; Beth meets Jamie's girlfriend; I take on a building project; and my Sunday night could not be more rock and roll if it tried.
"Oh my days!"
January 02, 2022 16:00 - 29 minutes - 20.4 MBIn which New Year's Eve goes on a bit bloody long; my cats are (festive) dicks; my kids are amazing; there's controversy on the Christmas dinner front; I tell you about the kitchen gadget you never even knew you needed; Jamie shows his dark side; Beth gets VERY confused; and you guys make my absolute year.
Festive ****ing mayhem
December 19, 2021 16:00 - 29 minutes - 20.3 MBIt's the festive edition of the podcast: in which I share some of my favourite Christmas memories and traditions; life is discombobulating; my cats are (festive) dicks; Blue Peter takes a questionable approach to Health and Safety; we discuss how other people's Christmas traditions are always wrong; I hate wrapping bastard presents SO MUCH; I celebrate the brilliance of the Christmas Day Walk, and share my greatest Christmas parenting tip of all; I have a massive Christmas fail; and we talk ...
"Would you like to see my episiotomy scar?"
December 05, 2021 08:00 - 23 minutes - 15.9 MBIn which I declare it to be Officially Christmas; Mr IKINTST and I attempt to write a Christmas song, and have a difference of opinion over Christmas decorations; I find myself ill-equipped to cope with the emotional rollercoaster of Christmas films; we discuss the differences of going out for the evening, pre and post children; Beth unmasks Father Christmas; and I have the worst getting ready to go out experience ever.
My cold and frosted vagina
November 27, 2021 19:00 - 25 minutes - 17.8 MBIn which my vagina is indeed cold and frosted (it's ****ing FREEZING!); we have a heated debate about the correct point in the year to put up Christmas decorations; I share with you my theatrical recommendation of the year; my mum performs an early Christmas miracle for me; Jamie lusts after a Bushtucker Trial; Beth picks up a footballing injury; and Jamie comes up with the world's weirdest Dragons' Den pitch.
Adulting Is Hard
November 20, 2021 19:00 - 24 minutes - 17 MBIn which we discuss the soul destroying adulting task that is "life admin"; I confess to my secret fetish; my cats are dicks, again; I tell you all about my Exciting Day Out and tick off a major item on my bucket list; yet another one of my household appliances is an utter cock; I share my self-composed joke that made Jamie weep tears of laughter; we explore all of the reasons why you really can't pour from an empty cup (or any cup at all: much better to use a jug instead); and I share an IK...
Glimpses into madness
November 14, 2021 13:00 - 29 minutes - 20 MBIn which I record a podcast in the midst of abject chaos; I debate a creative addition to my Christmas cake; Fanny Craddock scares me; I introduce you all to Barry; there's perhaps the most original hair-care tip you'll hear this year; and I share with you all some glimpses into the madness that is a typical day in our life, including the worst ever late night gift, why you never want to be responsible for waking Beth up, Jamie's sock-related challenges, and my outstanding prowess in pursuit...
I SANG AT THE ROYAL ALBERT HALL!!!
November 06, 2021 17:00 - 26 minutes - 17.9 MBIn which I live out an all time dream, and sing at the Royal Albert Hall; I have one of the maddest weeks ever; my hair appointment ends in dramatic style; there is a reason that I never became a mechanic; Jamie's feet confuse him; people are bloody amazing; and both Beth and Sandwich make unexpected podcast cameo experiences, and I'm sure this kind of sh*t never happens to Proper Podcasters.
****ing pumpkins
October 30, 2021 17:00 - 29 minutes - 20.3 MBIn which I get unfeasibly irritated by pumpkins; we talk about not setting unrealistic expectations for ourselves; teenagers are brilliant (unless that teenager is me); we have a somewhat dramatic trip to the vet; teenage me leaves home (teenage me is also an utter dick); my oven cleaning goes not entirely to plan; WE GO TO THE DENTIST; I get stuck in a dress (FFS); maths makes me happy; and I have a riotous Saturday night in.
Pink cheese!!
October 24, 2021 12:00 - 19 minutes - 13.4 MBIn which my 40th birthday celebrations finally happen; Beth and her teams play some bloody brilliant football; I am the Embarrassing Proud Parent; we give grateful praise to the brilliant grassroots sports volunteers out there; I prove all of the reasons why I probably won't become a football announcer any time soon; we remind ourselves why comparison is the thief of joy; I discover that sometimes scaled back celebrations are the best kind of celebrations of all; me and my daddy have a Long ...
It's the last one of my 30s!
October 09, 2021 18:00 - 40 minutes - 28.1 MBIn which I record the last podcast of my 30s; I almost make a total tit out of myself at work; Covid is a dick; we celebrate the brilliance of teenagers; Beth's birthday cake nearly breaks me; and I relive some of my personal highlights of the last decade, including poo, shouting, confusing furniture, Dr Google, football football football, the world's coldest hot tub, living out childhood dreams, and of course, #celebrityflaps.
"This isn't the mouse you're looking for"
October 02, 2021 16:00 - 31 minutes - 21.4 MBIn which I get absolutely bloody soaked; we discuss the hell of a hungover Saturday morning, poolside; Beth encounters gravity; we discuss the awful murder of Sarah Everard and the changes in our society that we need to see; Jamie gets Covid, just in time for Birthday Month *facepalm*; I make a terrible confession; I reminisce over The Greatest Birthday Cake Of All; my children ruin The Greatest Birthday Cake Of All for me; I learn what Proper Podcasts are actually supposed to sound like (cl...
The parenting truths I wish I'd known
September 25, 2021 17:00 - 29 minutes - 20.1 MBIn which I share the truths I wish I'd known before I became a parent; my Ocado delivery goes rogue; everyone loses their shit over petrol; Google Maps and I fall out; I have to learn to let go, and am SO BAD at it; I hit peak parenting madness; I come up with a revolutionary new design for the human body; nappy changing is confusing; sleep deprivation is the pits; and I reach my parenting nirvana.
Mortifying moments
September 19, 2021 16:00 - 28 minutes - 19.7 MBIn which I share some of my most mortifying moments over the years; I get to live out an all time dream; I have an Irritating Week, and you are all bloody brilliant; I am thoroughly wound up by "fidgets"; weeing in a cup proves to be extremely difficult; Jamie performs a character assassination; I learn that pride very much comes before a fall; I confirm all the reasons that you should not take your children bra shopping; and I prove that I am an utter liability who clearly should not be all...
Going Out Out!
September 05, 2021 15:00 - 19 minutes - 13.6 MBIn which I go Out Out; my neighbours are batshit; I explain whyTop Gear probably won't be calling me up any time soon; we stay in perhaps the craziest AirBNB of all; I fail utterly to pack light; my children go feral; Jamie's PE kit is a public health hazard; and Beth gives me some painfully honest feedback.
It's hard to record a podcast with an anus in your face
August 28, 2021 17:00 - 26 minutes - 18 MBIn which I thank you all for being so bloody brilliant; I am That Mum; we appreciate the golden moments; Jamie lives his best life; we play Aggressively Competitive Car Games; I recall the Car Journey From Hell; Jamie is geographically challenged; and I tell you all about my cervix.
Happy Podcastiversary!
August 21, 2021 17:00 - 35 minutes - 24.2 MBIn which this podcast celebrates its one year anniversary, and I say a massive thank you to all of you for supporting it; I remember just how much I hate running; Jamie gets his head around the miracle of childbirth; I GO TO THE PROMS!; I explain why you should never, ever take Beth to the theatre; and we take a trip down podcast memory lane, including my favourite interactions with Ocado, my cats being dicks, me failing at DIY, my struggles with root vegetables, and that time with the F***I...
90s nostalgia
August 14, 2021 17:00 - 25 minutes - 17.5 MBIn which I take a trip back down memory lane to life as a teenage girl in the 1990s; I feel better and WELL, and ALIVE!!!; the children have sleepovers; we discuss the reasons why the phrase "sleep when your baby sleeps" is absolute BULLSHIT; bath pearls are weird; I manage to refer repeatedly to a "puffa jacket" as a "puffa coat", which explains all the reasons why I was never ever cool enough to wear one; the Judderman scares the bejeezus out of me; the Athena man troubles me; the English ...
Poorly sick
August 07, 2021 16:00 - 22 minutes - 15.4 MBIn which I get poorly sick; we are lucky enough to go away on holiday; Jamie reaches new levels of ineptness; I lobby for crazy golf to become an Olympic sport; there's a reason I've never become a book publicist; my children's lack of fussy eating backfires on me; we should all try to be more kind; and my cats are, as usual, utter dicks.
Bring in the Willy Blanket!
July 24, 2021 17:00 - 31 minutes - 21.9 MBIn which they finally turn down the sun; I participate in the competitive sport of Dishwasher Reemptying; teachers are amazing; Beth is scathing about my Olympics prospects; I have the least relaxing Zoom call ever; I introduce The Willy Blanket; we share reading recommendations; holidays with small children are NOT a holiday; and we embark on the HELL that is worming cats. Also, listen out for the bit where I mispronounce "kicky" to sound like "kinky", which gives a whole new meaning to the...
Daddy oh my Daddy!!
July 17, 2021 16:00 - 26 minutes - 18.3 MBIn which I reveal the outcome of my Ocado debacle; Beth is vaguely mortifying; football doesn't come home... but it kind of does; Jamie almost gives me heart failure; I out-gross The Maggot Story; Jamie is an utter hero, and I might actually be The Hulk; Jamie gets a makeover; we take a trip down memory lane; I have perhaps the most traumatic holiday experience of all; and the whole thing is underpinned by the sound of express trains as I fail miserably to shut my windows.
It's coming home
July 10, 2021 17:00 - 28 minutes - 19.7 MBIn which I apologise for absence; we face the least fun family Saturday night activity ever; ASAP is a dick; I am obstreperous, and get into trouble with my mum; I relive memories of Euro 96; Jamie is an absolute hero, and I am once again an Embarrassing Parent; a trip Out Out takes its toll; and football comes home.
Helicopter parenting and middle class tantrums
June 27, 2021 12:00 - 35 minutes - 24.6 MBIn which my kitchen appliances are dicks, as are my cats; I max out on helicopter parenting; Jamie achieves a teenage dream; the podcast hits the Apple Top 10; I get very angry with the Government; football is coming home (surely?!), and I discover I am still not over Euro 96; Jamie and I fail to cope with click and collect even slightly; and I share one of my most mortifying moments of all.
Bloody periods
June 19, 2021 17:00 - 28 minutes - 19.4 MBIn possibly my most Too Much Information podcast yet, we talk about bloody periods; Jamie gets wet; I am very grateful not to be in a restaurant with small children; there is rather a lot of blood (definitely not one for the squeamish); we talk feline vasectomies; Biff and Chip get turned into a TV show and almost every single one of you decides to tell me about it; Jamie is a hero; periods are knobs; midwives are incredible; and we talk clots, period pants, and fanny plasters.
It's a bit bloody hot, isn't it?!
June 13, 2021 16:00 - 30 minutes - 20.7 MBIn which it is a bit bloody hot, and I am Not At One with the sun; my children fail to work suncream; I develop a frankly genius business idea and plan my pitch to Dragons' Den; everyone over the age of 50 bangs on about the Great Summer of 1976; I confess to one of my secret fears, and appall my teacher with my water saving suggestion; I take the world's least educational school trip; I trace my podcasting days back to the wilds of France, circa 1990; a bee and I have a fight, which ends ba...
"Look at that giant lizard!!!"
June 06, 2021 11:00 - 22 minutes - 15.6 MBIn which Mr IKINTST and I celebrate 21 years of being together with a romantic weekend away..... with the children; I reveal why I Don't Do Tents; Jamie and I are utterly appalling at golf (and easily distracted by giant lizards); those five years (FIVE YEARS) of swimming lessons finally pay off; Jamie confesses to a slightly obsessive interest in Neep the turnip; the cats are twats; after eighteen months, I GET TO HUG MY DADDY; we discuss the mysteries of the Playdough License; and I share ...
Fitted sheets are such absolute dicks
May 29, 2021 17:00 - 27 minutes - 18.7 MBIn which I think we can safely conclude that the fitted sheet is the most dickish household object of all time; the sun FINALLY comes out; I take a social media break and celebrate 12 years of blogging; the phrase "piss on your chips" absolutely baffles me; I go rogue and do another podcast which is Not This One; my children prove themselves to be utterly inept at cleaning; the Ocado driver is an absolute hero; I clean out the fridge and discover the World's Saddest Swede; I explain how cate...
In praise of our beloved NHS
May 22, 2021 17:00 - 28 minutes - 19.9 MBIn which I get my first Covid vaccine (SO grateful) and have a little cry of joy; we have a bonkers week; Jamie experiences an emotional rollercoaster; cats continue to be twats; Beth gets extremely confused about organ donation; my dad and I have a slightly surreal experience on a train; I take a trip down memory lane and reminisce over farmyard animals, wildly unsuitable shoes, and the hidden dangers in a tin of tomatoes; I prove all of the reasons why I'm not a doctor; and I get generally...
Let's talk about sex, baby
May 15, 2021 17:00 - 21 minutes - 15.1 MBIn which I get utterly drenched (nothing to do with the sex); Andie McDowell irritates me; Beth picks up a football injury; I book my Covid vaccine; Jamie is traumatised; it's time for Beth to have sex ed (and I sincerely hope that her teacher has sufficient gin to recover from the experience); the Joy of Sex thoroughly confuses me; Jamie recommends all the reasons you should consider becoming a Mormon; I make a compelling bid for the Worst Parent Of The Year Award; Beth fears she's missing ...
"SHIT ON IT, JACKIE!"
May 08, 2021 17:00 - 31 minutes - 21.6 MBIn which I am exceedingly livid; I fail abjectly to manage to lie in; the moon is completely unreasonable; replacing my walking shoes proves to be ****ing IMPOSSIBLE; jeans shopping is a total cock and clothes sizing is evil; I have an unfortunate altercation in the Next changing rooms; I stupidly enter into a bet with Beth, and live to regret it; I do some really really bad parenting; Jamie hits peak "Jamie"; and the DPD prohibited items list scares the crap out of me.
Anyone know what to do with a celeriac?
May 01, 2021 16:00 - 34 minutes - 23.8 MBIn which I still have not a bloody clue what day the bins go out; the kittens turn two (and remain complete ****ing liabilities); I have an unwelcome midnight visitor; we celebrate the brilliance of girls in sport; I absolutely mortify my children; we discuss the #stoponlineabuse campaign and why it's really, really important to just not be a dick; I reminisce back to the heady days of #celebrityflaps; Jamie considers his GCSE options (HOW THE **** IS HE THIS OLD?!) and I fail to recognise a...
Go the **** to sleep
April 24, 2021 17:00 - 30 minutes - 21.1 MBIn which I reminisce back to the halcyon days of HELL ON EARTH sleep deprivation; I reveal my greatest - and most ridiculous - phobia; we discuss the Lies We Tell Small Children; I reminisce over sweating out neat gin, poolside; some of my missing body parts are restored; Beth experiences Ketchup-Gate; I wax lyrical on the joys of being a Real Life Superhero; my cat is a dick, again; I experience the night from hell; and Jamie poses the ultimate question.
I can't bloody stand running
April 17, 2021 17:00 - 27 minutes - 18.9 MBIn which I talk at length on the many and varied reasons why I am categorically Not A Runner; I explain why you really don't want Jamie as a passenger in your car; I share probably the blog's greatest achievement to date; my dad receives a somewhat startling reward for the completion of a half marathon; I discover that it's impossible to run without sounding like a phone sex pest; I share the world's worst hangover cure and muse on whether there's anyone left in the world who hasn't yet trie...
"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE MOVED THE MUGS!!!"
April 10, 2021 16:00 - 29 minutes - 20.3 MBIn which I eat a shit load of Easter eggs and fail miserably at Easter hunts; I prove why I am not to be trusted in charge of a hacksaw; we discuss whether folding your socks will bring joy to your life; the synchronisation of periods utterly mystifies me; apparently Prince Philip is dead, which you would be unlikely to know about given how silent all news outlets have remained on the subject; we muse upon the ways in which one should absolutely not break the news of the death of a loved one...
I've never been so happy not to be able to feel my own face
April 03, 2021 16:00 - 26 minutes - 18.4 MBIn which I lose yet another ****ing body part; the podcast hits TEN THOUSAND downloads; I relive the sheer and abject joy which was Beth's wedding; we celebrate our wedding anniversary with "The Terrible Jamie", and Beth serves up some bargain champagne; there is a much needed return to normality, and I freeze my own vagina off in the process; I fail to dress appropriately for the circumstances; Jamie mortifies me in public and I reminisce on family walks I have known and loved; and I share ...
Introducing........................ MR IKINTST!!!
March 27, 2021 14:00 - 37 minutes - 25.6 MBIn which the podcast welcomes its first ever guest...... Mr IKINTST!!! We celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary by recording a podcast together; Jamie proves that he should never be trusted in charge of a Covid test, and gets thoroughly confused about the origins of Dame Judi Dench; we relive the glorious days of Betamax and share our contrasting pre-wedding preparations; my infamous lack of any sense of direction strikes again; it turns out that moving house is more confusing than you'd th...
Is that a gravy boat in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?
March 20, 2021 18:00 - 33 minutes - 22.9 MBIn which I reflect on one whole year of a global pandemic; I fail miserably to fold my shopping bags; I confess to having no clue what a sourdough starter is; there is a bit too bloody much whatabouttery; we discuss the lost art of darning socks and the relative merits of hairy toes; once again, my cat is a total dick; and I look forward to my 15th wedding anniversary and share some of my favourite absolute debacles from my wedding day.
Me, too
March 13, 2021 17:00 - 27 minutes - 18.6 MBIn which I reflect upon the awful events surrounding the murder of Sarah Everard, and the outpouring of appalled grief as women everywhere have felt able to share their experiences of sexual harassment and abuse at the hands of men; I get overexcited about going for a walk; everyone goes back to school and I say a massive thank you to teachers; Jamie is a little bit of a ****ing liability; Beth takes a Covid test; there is high drama chez us on Friday night; and I reminisce over a couple of...
Missing body parts
March 06, 2021 18:00 - 30 minutes - 20.7 MBIn which it is fucking freezing; I panic that I've broken lockdown laws, and propose a "collab" with KSI; part of my body gives up on me; Mr IKINTST and I achieve #couplegoals; in a family personal best, nobody licks the dentist; Jamie fails miserably in his application for the GBBO and startles the Ocado driver; my dad alarms his neighbours; I lose my shit at the Government and experience my own personal version of The Krypton Factor; and I celebrate a new lockdown achievement.