Attorney in Recovery - Lily Shanks

My guest today is Recovering Attorney Lily

Lily was my guest on the episode which came out on May 6th – its already had 2,000 downloads and we had some great feedback from that one – if you missed it then have a listen to Lily sharing her story here 

Lily is a coach these days and one of the things that she helps people with is Relationship Coaching so today we’re going to focus on Sober Dating

If your romantic relationships have always been lubricated with alcohol then this could be a skill you’ll need in your toolkit as you build your alcohol free life

In this episode:-

Lily’s full drinking story can be found on our previous episode which came out in May but she gave us a summary
She began her drinking career as a teenager and it continued during her legal career.
She became a daily drinker, frequently drinking alone and experiencing blackouts
At 37 she reached rock bottom – in fact as she says in her previous interview she had a series of rock bottoms, one of which involved drinking alone in her apartment all weekend
She felt hopeless, useless and miserable and finally reached out for some help
Reaching out for help is actually the hardest step of all - so if you’re worried about your drinking then reach out to tribe sober today – just go to tribesober.com and hit join our tribe and we’ll show you how to quit drinking and build an alcohol free life you love
So Lily got sober in 2018 and she’s been sober ever since – if you want to hear how she did it catch the previous episode
As we switched to talking about relationships Lily explained that she’d been shy as a child so as a teenager alcohol helped her to fit in – to feel part of things
It helped her to feel prettier, funnier and more vivacious, especially around men
As she got older alcohol would always be a major player in her relationships
She would drink before the date… which often took place in a bar
If her dates didn’t drink like she did then that could be a problem
Lily believed that alcohol made everything a bit brighter, a bit easier and less awkward – she just couldn’t imagine her life without it
She certainly couldn’t imagine dating without it!
During her first year of sobriety she didn’t date at all
She believed the advice she had heard about focusing on sobriety and avoiding any major life changes during that first year.
Major life changes like changing jobs, moving house and of course starting a new relationship
Lily had to focus on learning to love and look after herself before she would be in an emotional state to look after someone else
She had the insight that she had been using men a bit like she’s been using alcohol – the highs of a new relationship giving her a dopamine hit and making her feel good just like alcohol did
As Lily moved into her second year of sobriety she went on her first sober date
She knew the guy, they both liked and respected each other and they had things in common
Although that relationship didn’t develop into anything serious Lily felt proud of herself – proud that she had shown up as a very different person
By this point she felt so much clearer about who she was, what she wanted and what kind of person she was looking for
We talked about the risk of relationships between people in recovery and how they can crash and burn
The common struggle may create a bond which means you feel that you’ve found your soulmate but it makes sense for you both to get that year of sobriety first to avoid any risk of relapse
We talked about the dangers of cross addiction and how we can transfer our love affair with alcohol to food or shopping or sex
I asked Lily how a sober person should start looking for a new relationship once they had completed their first alcohol free year
Apparently there are sober dating apps/websites – in fact a quick google search came up with a list of 8 sober dating apps which I’ll add to the shownotes
https://resurgencebehavioralhealth.com/blog/8-best-sober-apps-for-people-in-recovery/
Although Lily met some good people via dating apps when she was drinking these days she feels more comfortable getting to know people first via a shared interest or through friends
We talked about the best way for sober people to use the regular dating apps and agreed that it’s far better to disclose that you don’t drink alcohol in your profile – even if you get fewer matches it’s far better to know in advance that your sobriety may be a problem for some people!
The people who don’t match with you because of your sobriety are very likely to have a drinking problem themselves so they would not be right for you anyway!
First dates very often involve sitting across from each other eating and drinking but as Lily says an experiential date will take a lot of the pressure off – taking a walk, going to a dog park, going out for breakfast
One of her best first dates was a trip to a museum
I asked Lily what she had learned from her experience of sober dating
She’s learned to listen to her intuition – that gut feeling that tells her that this is someone she feels comfortable with…
She’s also experienced the opposite feeling when she hasn’t felt comfortable with someone – had she been drinking she would often ignore that intuition and any red flags which could lead to problems later on in the evening
If someone is feeling isolated and lonely in their sobriety the focus should be on connecting with a community rather than focusing on finding a romantic partner – so even if you have been sober for a while if you are feeling lonely then take a look at some online sobriety groups – go to tribesober.com and hit join our tribe if you’d like to try out our international community
Sobriety has enabled Lily to turn up for all her relationships more authentically
Once we are able to love ourselves we are so much better placed to build a relationship

So here are Lilys top 3 tips for sober daters:-

Have a solid foundation to your sobriety  by experiencing restaurants and bars with friends who are drinking first

          Have clarity about what you are looking for and how you are going to show up  and be prepared to leave the date if              you feel your sobriety is at risk

          Have fun!  - keep it light, meet lots of people and remember if a relationship doesn’t work out it means the universe has             something better in store
   

You can find Lily on her website which is myinternalweather.com – where you can find articles and tips on sober dating

More Info

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