Let’s talk about (trans) sex

In this episode of the GenderGP podcast, recorded for our Trans Sex Education Special, Marianne and Dr Helen answer some questions from the community. Topics tackled include: anal sex, genital hypersensitivity, asexuality and more.

If you have been affected by any of the topics discussed in our podcast, and would like to get in touch,  please contact us via the Help Centre. You can also contact us on social media where you will find us at @GenderGP on  Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.

We are always happy to accept ideas for future shows, so if there is something in particular you would like us to discuss, or a specific guest you would love to hear from, let us know. Your feedback is really important to us. If you could take a minute or two to leave us a review and rating for the podcast on your favourite podcast app, it will help others to discover us.

 
Links:
Trans Love Stories
Queer Sex with Juno Roche
Find out more about sex and intimacy as a transgender person, in our set of special articles on trans sex here.

 

We help you transition your way, on your terms. Find out more

 
The GenderGP Podcast
Lets talk about (Trans) sex
 
Hello, this is Dr Helen Webberley. Welcome to our GenderGP Podcast, where we will be discussing some of the issues affecting the trans and non-binary community in the world today, together with my co-host Marianne Oakes, a trans woman herself, and our head of therapy.
 

Dr Helen Webberley:

Hi everybody. Helen and Marianne, just the two of us today. A short and sweet podcast just talking about sex, which is everybody's favourite conversation at some stage. We're following on from the topic of sexual health and sexual pleasure that we've been doing. And talking about the idea that everybody has the right to have a fulfilling and happy sex life. So, we've been running a series of articles, and we also asked the community to come up with any questions and worries that they might have about the issue. And so, Marianne and I thought we would come and join together today and see whether we can flush out some of the answers to those questions. So, thanks for joining me, Marianne. I know it's early in the morning for both of us, so we've got some questions here. Should we just kind of run through them? This one was: so I started o my testosterone blockers and my sex drive has reduced. And I'd like to know if there's anything I can do to improve this important aspect of my transition. I feel ashamed to ask my GP or gender clinic because of the attitude towards sex and transgender women in society. This is something that we hear and see a lot. I certainly see it in the medical world and Marianne, and I guess you must see some of it in, in the therapy room. And there is that thing, isn't there, where women and men that have different hormone profiles and that certainly has an impact on sex drive and libido? And one of the things that people have to be aware of is that testosterone is a big sex drive hormone. And, you know, you see that during puberty when, when boys are going through puberty, and their testosterone levels are raging. And so is their need to procreate and further the generations. And we see the same don't we when women and men go through the menopause and that hormones drop-off? So cisgender men going through their late menopause when their testosterone levels fall off, we do see that their sexual function and their sex drive also reduces. So it's not unsurprising, is it? That when you, when a trans woman changes her hormones from testosterone to estrogen, she's going to face that same difficulty with a drop in libido and drive, which is sad, but it's part of being a woman. If you are transitioning from a male hormone profile to a female hormone profile and the medicine that you take completely blanks out all of your testosterone, it may well cause you problems in that area. And there's no harm in just taking a tiny weeny,

In this episode of the GenderGP podcast, recorded for our Trans Sex Education Special, Marianne and Dr Helen answer some questions from the community. Topics tackled include: anal sex, genital hypersensitivity, asexuality and more.

If you have been affected by any of the topics discussed in our podcast, and would like to get in touch,  please contact us via the Help Centre. You can also contact us on social media where you will find us at @GenderGP on  Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.

We are always happy to accept ideas for future shows, so if there is something in particular you would like us to discuss, or a specific guest you would love to hear from, let us know. Your feedback is really important to us. If you could take a minute or two to leave us a review and rating for the podcast on your favourite podcast app, it will help others to discover us.

 

Links:

Trans Love Stories

Queer Sex with Juno Roche

Find out more about sex and intimacy as a transgender person, in our set of special articles on trans sex here.

 

We help you transition your way, on your terms. Find out more

 

The GenderGP Podcast
Lets talk about (Trans) sex

 

Hello, this is Dr Helen Webberley. Welcome to our GenderGP Podcast, where we will be discussing some of the issues affecting the trans and non-binary community in the world today, together with my co-host Marianne Oakes, a trans woman herself, and our head of therapy.

 

Dr Helen Webberley:

Hi everybody. Helen and Marianne, just the two of us today. A short and sweet podcast just talking about sex, which is everybody’s favourite conversation at some stage. We’re following on from the topic of sexual health and sexual pleasure that we’ve been doing. And talking about the idea that everybody has the right to have a fulfilling and happy sex life. So, we’ve been running a series of articles, and we also asked the community to come up with any questions and worries that they might have about the issue. And so, Marianne and I thought we would come and join together today and see whether we can flush out some of the answers to those questions. So, thanks for joining me, Marianne. I know it’s early in the morning for both of us, so we’ve got some questions here. Should we just kind of run through them? This one was: so I started o my testosterone blockers and my sex drive has reduced. And I’d like to know if there’s anything I can do to improve this important aspect of my transition. I feel ashamed to ask my GP or gender clinic because of the attitude towards sex and transgender women in society. This is something that we hear and see a lot. I certainly see it in the medical world and Marianne, and I guess you must see some of it in, in the therapy room. And there is that thing, isn’t there, where women and men that have different hormone profiles and that certainly has an impact on sex drive and libido? And one of the things that people have to be aware of is that testosterone is a big sex drive hormone. And, you know, you see that during puberty when, when boys are going through puberty, and their testosterone levels are raging. And so is their need to procreate and further the generations. And we see the same don’t we when women and men go through the menopause and that hormones drop-off? So cisgender men going through their late menopause when their testosterone levels fall off, we do see that their sexual function and their sex drive also reduces. So it’s not unsurprising, is it? That when you, when a trans woman changes her hormones from testosterone to estrogen, she’s going to face that same difficulty with a drop in libido and drive, which is sad, but it’s part of being a woman. If you are transitioning from a male hormone profile to a female hormone profile and the medicine that you take completely blanks out all of your testosterone, it may well cause you problems in that area. And there’s no harm in just taking a tiny weeny, little bit of testosterone hormone to help with that. So that’s the kind of medical side, Marianne. So I don’t know whether you’ve got anything to say on that. And also I feel sad that she said that she feels ashamed to ask her GP or gender clinic because of the attitudes towards sex and transgender women in society. Marianne, have you got any kind of thoughts on that? I’m sure you have.

Marianne Oakes:

Yeah. I mean, I must have met you know, when I was handed my medical package. In fact, all through the assessment, I went through it the gender clinic in Sheffield, nice people as they are at never once does anybody ever talk to you about this. Nobody ever mentions that there may be a drop in libido. How would you feel about that? How important is sex to you? So when we’re talking about our transition, this isn’t just about me. I have to say it’s about partners as well. You know I’m not gonna suggest that I was ever highly sex. You know, I don’t know where I would fit on the scale, but as a couple, it was an important part of our marriage. And like I say, never did anybody tick, ask that box. Never was part of the plan. Nobody said, well, if you get this medication, you would get, you may retain a higher libido than if you went with that medication. And it’s something that’s been erased off the whole, you know pathway, you know? So I think it’s something that should be talked about because I’m sure that I can’t be the only one that has gone through an experience, this kind of thing. And obviously, people are sending in this question. The flip side of that is having been brave enough to talk about it because, and I think historically, and even in 2020, sometimes when I say anything, so if I said, Oh, I’m disappointed, my libido’s dropped. You know, people say, well, you wanted to be a woman, didn’t you, you know what I mean? That you have to take that and maybe that’s the truth. Maybe that’s the truth, but, you know, it would be nice if it was done with a bit of empathy, but also people would talk about it or from, I just think that would make a big difference.

Dr Helen Webberley:

Yeah. It’s the kind of thing that no one wants to talk about. Doctors and professionals also like, you know, they have their own shame and embarrassment, and that really does hamper education, doesn’t it? I’ve got someone else who was asking it’s on a similar line, really. So they’re saying as a trans woman who doesn’t want to go and undergo SRS, so don’t want to have any operations done below. Is it possible to fully transition, still be able to make sexual use of my penis? And again, it’s a tricky one, isn’t it? Because the medicines that we use are designed to get rid of testosterone completely. And we do know that the penis and the, and the reproductive organs that go along with that don’t work as well if you’ve got very low testosterone levels. So it is, it is tricky, isn’t it? When we medically kind of intervening with what that body was born naturally to do in a physical way. And then we medically intervene, and it’s hard, isn’t it to get the best of both worlds? But it is a risk that if we drop testosterone levels, libido and sexual function are going to reduce. But what we need to do, so therefore what we need to do is work out other ways, isn’t that, Marianne, or in enjoying people’s each other’s bodies and enjoying sex and having that fulfilment in a different kind of way?

Marianne Oakes:

So somebody said to me that, you know, sex doesn’t end because we transition, it just becomes different. And I think, you know, if we’re talking about sex education, I really wish there would be something out there that talks in more detail about what we mean by different. And I think you’re right, you know, there is touch and there’s closeness, and there’s intimacy that doesn’t always have to involve penetrative sex for want of a better description. That there are other ways, you know, to find pleasure. Well, I think that not talking about it just leaves people isolated. And again, but like I’ve said before, you know, my sex education was in a playground sadly. And in a way I go into the transgender playground to try and find out, you know, how trans women in my case enjoy sex. And unfortunately, the community judges me for that. So, unfortunately, there is no real playground to find. So it would be nice if there was more out. And if the gender clinics kind of included it as part of their assessment.

Dr Helen Webberley:

Assessments and advice and support. And you know, that journey that you’re talking about, Marianne, that you, that you go on, that you have the privilege of going on with people on that journey through, through their transition. You know, it needs to be a big part of that, doesn’t it?

Marianne Oakes:

Well, I think it’s really interesting because of the question kind of fired at GPs and you know, the medical profession. And the reality is I say with, as you know, thousands of people, yeah. In, in a very intimate space for want of a better description, where I try to create the best environment to say whatever they need to say, rarely is sex brought into the room. And, you know, I think they would even be worried about my judgment of them talking about sex. I do sometimes get people coming into the therapy room and talking about it in a very degrading way. You know, it’s almost like it’s a torture to them that the fact that they’ve still got a libido. They’ll, you know, they’re very self-deprecating when, when they, when, when it is brought into book, very rarely is it brought into, into my space.

Dr Helen Webberley:

I think we need to a poster on the wall, don’t we? These are the things that it is okay to talk about in this room. You can talk to me about anything, including abuse, hate, sex, being upset, crying, loss, you know, all of those things that are really really, really hard to talk about. We kind of need to give those people permission to say those words. And Marianne, we talked a lot in the past about that, that first disclosure, when you go see your doctor or your therapist, and you say the words, that first reaction is so important. So from my point of view, as a healthcare professional, you know, when someone says, is it okay to talk about sex? It’s so important to say absolutely, 100% ask me anything. I’ll just do anything I can to help you.

Marianne Oakes:

I suppose the challenge for you Helen, is, you know, it’s a little bit like with transgender healthcare, isn’t it, There’s only so much we can do, you know? How many times do we get people that say if we could walk into the hormone shop and pick off the shelves that were really important to us and leave the bits that we didn’t like, it will be so much easier. But unfortunately, medicine hasn’t advanced that far, and I am happy to be told differently. But it would be the same as this, isn’t it? It shouldn’t have to be a binary choice, but I’m sure there are little things that we could try that, that might find a middle ground at the very least, but to not be brave enough to ask and to not be able to get any education then, I think that’s the sad part of this.

Dr Helen Webberley:

I remember my days when I used to run the psychosexual clinic, and it’s really interesting because I don’t know the answers to that person’s sexual problems or questions or queries. The only person that does know the answers is that person. And it’s actually just about the doctor or the therapist, helping that person to find the answers. And that’s our role, isn’t it? So I’m going to say it here. If anybody wants to come and ask Marianne anything that they like, just to talk about it, share about it, just run it through, then I’m holding Marianne’s hand up virtually to say yes, come and talk to me about it. And let’s see if we can work it out.

Marianne Oakes:

We’ve got to empower people to talk about sex basically, and actually what their desires and needs are. I’m just going to make another little point here as well. Cause we talk about libido like it’s all about sex. And maybe it is, but what I think we forget about part of being human is that we need drives, you know, things that, that drive us, and motivate us to get up in the morning. That motivates us to look after ourselves, that motivate us to, you know, want to better ourselves, all human actualizing tendencies about is always for continual improvement. And I think that does link it, you know, libido plays a big part in that as well. And I think, you know, when people sometimes lose the—their libido drops and, you know, it affects other areas of their life. So I think it’s important that we have a better understanding of that. I don’t know if you’d agree with me, but that’s how I would experience it.

Dr Helen Webberley:

I do. And the only thing that’s really important, which is coming out in some of these questions is that it’s more than just about the genital to have sex. You have, your mind has to be completely there with you. And if you’ve got your mind at odds with your body, it’s just not going to work. If you’ve got your mind worrying and fretting, is it gonna work? Am I good enough? Is this right? Is it going to look real? Is it going to feel strange? Am I going to orgasm? If your mind is doing all of that, there’s just no way that your body and mind can get together and have, you know, fulfilling sex. And I think people forget that the brain, the brain is the most massive sexual organ ever. And without that on board, it’s going to be very difficult to, to have some meaning, anything meaningful. It’s much, much more, more about the brain than it is about the clitoris or the neovagina, the penis, and what that’s up to the brain. Mustn’t underestimate the brain.

Marianne Oakes:

And actually what we do when we’re going through transition, we’re trying to align everything as well. So in theory that, you know, we might have less sex, but what sex we do have should be definitely equally fulfilling to what we’ve experienced before, if not more fulfilling. You know, that would be my take on that.

Dr Helen Webberley:

I can see we’ve got a lot of questions about, about the body parts. So we’ve got people saying okay, I’m post-surgery, and my clitoris isn’t sensitive enough. And my neovagina is not wide enough to accept a penis. And she’s obviously really, really distressed. And I find, I find these kinds of questions really sad because during the operation, when that surgeon did it, you know, they’ve got the best intentions, and they’re doing the best they ever can, but sometimes it just isn’t going to be what, what you wanted. It may not have the feeling of the size, the shape, the functionality that you were really, really hoping for. And I feel really, really sad about that. And actually, from the very physical point, I’m not sure there is much you can do about that, apart from making sure that your brain is in gear because a lack of sensation isn’t just a physical thing then below it can be because your brain is not allowing that sensation to get through. But actually, if it’s what we have down below or anywhere on our body, isn’t what we were hoping for. Is it Marianne? Is there something that we can do about changing the expectation to make it fit our life? If you can’t change the body part, can you change the expectation of that body part?

Marianne Oakes:

I remember when we did the podcast with Juno Roche, she spoke very explicitly about her experience. And the trouble, the truth of the matter is with now talk it we’re here today, talking about sex education. If sex could be more freely talked about before they go through the operation, then we can manage the expectation. If we could give sex education before any operations are undergone, it would inform the patient of, do I want this? To me, it’s about the surgeons not being frightened to talk about sex, to ask the patient, what do they want, what are their hopes for afterwards? We’ve got to manage that expectation before it’s too late now, isn’t it? If that makes sense. What I would say to follow on with that, is there are more ways to have sex than, you know, penetration. And I know that might have been the desired outcome, but we shouldn’t stop exploring. And something I’m going to mention now, which may send somebody, read, some people recoiling, but, you know, we’ve got an anus, and that is a sexual organ.

Dr Helen Webberley:

A hundred per cent. And we’ve got a couple of questions about that, actually. So, people, someone’s worried, you know, if I have anal sex, will it make me incontinent in the future? And someone else is saying you know, what about anal sex? Can you have an anal orgasm? So I think, you know, sex is a taboo subject, anal sex is actually a very taboo subject. You know, if you went into a room and said, right guys, honestly here, who hands up, who’s had anal sex. You wouldn’t get many hands up, but, but they will be a lot of people in that room who have had at least had a play with it. You know? And also if we learn from our gay friends, male gay friends who are very happy and open about the enjoyment and pleasure that could be helpful from anal sex. So we know it’s a thing. We know it can be extremely pleasurable. And I think really, again, it’s about opening up the conversation and not making it so taboo. So from a safety point of view, the anus, the rectum doesn’t get that lubrication, that vagina and the typical penis would have. And so you need to make sure that there’s a lot of lubrication. You don’t want it. The skin inside is very thin. You don’t want to be tearing it or hurting it. And the anal sphincter, which is the kind of the tightly closed ring that stops anything going in or out when you don’t want it to, it needs that lubrication to allow something in or something out nice and safely. But there’s absolutely nothing wrong with having anal sex. And if there is plenty of lubrication and it’s something that you want to do, and you’re ready for it, and your body is ready to relax, then it can be extremely pleasurable. And can we all get (unclear 18:43). You know, actually, you don’t have to, if your mind is in gear, you don’t have to touch any parts of your body to have an orgasm. You can, we, you know, we see people who have orgasms via their breasts or their nipples or all of their genitals. So yes, clitoral, penis orgasm, vaginal orgasm, anal orgasm, rectal orgasm, these are all orgasms that are completely actually achievable if you can get your mind and body in gear with each other. So yeah, it’s a very taboo subject. No one talks about that. There are a lot more people doing it than you’ve ever imagined.

Marianne Oakes:

In my past life, as you know, I worked on building sites, and in workshops, anal sex is talked about all the time. You know, I just think there are millions of housewives and partners out there that are fed up with their husbands, pestering them for anal sex. And you know, given the right circumstances, people will talk freely and joke about it, but it is more widely sought after, shall we say, than it is talked about.

Dr Helen Webberley:

Who knows? Maybe that is not just the men on the building side, but the ladies too, you know. We know that it can be pleasurable, so why, why not? But that would, that would be my, that would be my thoughts on it. And I think people do worry about the effect of anything on their body. So you know, if something is too big, is it going to hurt? Is it going to hurt the vagina if it’s too big? Is it gonna hurt the anus if it’s too, too big? But it is all about being safe, unprepared. And again, from a doctor’s point of view, who’s married to a gastroenterologist. If I asked my husband, you know, in your, in your gastroenterology clinic, did you end up seeing a lot of, lots of people who had had anal sex in their life who are now in incontinent later in life? And the answer is a resounding no, it isn’t a problem. As long as you’re using that lubrication and doing things, or thinking about the, you know, with the postoperative people who were worried that body wasn’t quite right. And if I can draw a parallel with the, with my cisgender community, childbirth, does horrible—childbirth can do some horrible things to the reproductive organs when you’re speeding a baby out, that’s got an arm stuck up around its head. And, you know, we see some quite horrific scars and episiotomies and damage done to the organs down below. And it doesn’t work as well as it used to. So the tightness might have gone. The sensation can go. It could, it can be a real problem after childbirth, but what they have got as a result is their baby. And I think that’s something that if we, if I pick it up, cause I’m not transgender. So I don’t know what it’s like to be. I have to have the hormones or the body parts of it, of a different gender. But if I can draw parallels with my cisgender friends, the surgery that you had gave you something that you really, really wanted. And that to me feels a little bit like having that baby that you really, really wanted. And in doing that, sometimes it doesn’t go quite to plan, but you’ve got what you really, really wanted, and now let’s make the most of it, let’s make the most of that. Let’s be positive and find ways of enjoying your new body rather than regretting that it didn’t work. Is that clear the same way that you wanted to? Does that make sense?

Marianne Oakes:

I love that analogy actually, you know. Again, it’s about getting a perspective on what were we trying to achieve and what were the things we were willing to sacrifice and what we were hoping to gain. And somewhere there’s gotta be a balance there, and you’re right. You know, there are some people who have lived their lives and never got to have that vagina functioning or not, you know? But obviously, it’s about managing the expectations before you, when we talk about informed consent, how we take it really seriously at GenderGP, you know, when somebody’s going for surgery of that magnitude, you know, I don’t know if the surgeons talk about sex. I don’t know what they would talk about if they were talking about sex. But, you know, it’s definitely gotta be part of the planning. It’s got to be part of the, this is what I can do for you. And when we’ve done an examination before we do the surgery, this is what we think you will get. And I think that’s gotta be a really important part of the surgery, not about how good it will look, you know, but how well will it function.

Dr Helen Webberley:

Yeah, so, and we’re going to put all these questions on and more on the website afterwards. And, you know, we don’t want it just to be a resource for patients or for the community. It’s a resource for everybody. Anybody who might, who might be in contact with somebody who wants to talk about sex and that’s the aim of this educational series.

Marianne Oakes:

It will be really good if we could get some answers from patients, how they’ve dealt with it as well. You know, if we could get the community talking.

Dr Helen Webberley:

Maybe this will start the discussion, and people can anonymously comment below on the website and just share their experiences. Because in sharing something so private, it means that other people are able to learn.

Marianne Oakes:

Something I will share with you. I’m going back now, years and years ago, I used to be on a forum, and quite regularly we would see people come in and say, I’ve not had sex for four years. And it would, it was like fireworks going off. And I, my heart used to sing for them actually, you know, I got what—it was almost like women don’t like sex. So if I can abstain, then it’s validating my femaleness. And I just think that’s really sad, cause it’s not true. As we know, it’s not true. So yeah, there are a lot of trans people out there will deny themselves sex because they feel it’s a validation of their femaleness.

Dr Helen Webberley:

Yeah. That women shouldn’t put out. That women shouldn’t enjoy it. Women shouldn’t have sex. Women shouldn’t masturbate. Shouldn’t shouldn’t, shouldn’t, shouldn’t. You know, that goes back a long, long way. Doesn’t it? And interesting that it then kind of seeps into trans women’s lives as well. I think someone asking about does asexuality exist? So is it, is it possible that somebody can feel no feelings towards sex at all? Not feel sexually attractive or attracted to anybody? I don’t know the answer to that question. I know that there are some people who say that they are sexual, but I don’t know. I don’t know what the reason for being asexual. Is it something inherent that, so this person was born and they, the destiny was always going to be asexual? Their life experiences have navigated them down a path that, for them makes it, makes life more comfortable if there is no sexual element to their life. I don’t know the answer that my doctor brain and my experience with talking to many, many people think it’s probably the second, that everybody has a sexual being inside of them. And it’s just whether you let that out or not. I don’t know, Marianne. Do you have any thoughts on that?

Marianne Oakes:

It’s a difficult one because it’s somebody’s identity, isn’t it? You know, asexuality is part of who they believe they are. And I wouldn’t want to say that it doesn’t exist for them. For them, it exists. You know, we have to believe them. What I would say is that you know, it could be a whole host of things. It could be how they were taught about sex. Something could have caused it. I don’t know. Or it could just be who they are, but what I would, all I would say with that is if that’s who somebody believes that is who they are, then I’m going to believe that’s who they are because it’s formed a part of them, as my gender identity is. So, my—the other part, my family identity, it’s part of who we are. We’ve got to believe we’ve got to believe them.

Dr Helen Webberley:

There’s the thing there because they’re asking the question, does that mean that they want to open up that discussion and, and see whether it exists for them?

Marianne Oakes:

In the therapy room. If somebody questioned that: I believe I am asexual, but I’m not sure if it’s true, then that would, I would feel really comfortable to go down the road. So why do you feel you are exactly? What is it that’s led you to believe that that’s the case? I think if somebody comes in and they put it down as a rubber stamp you know, I don’t like sex. I don’t have no desires that way. I have no particular attractions to other people. It would be really, I could challenge it in, in roundabout ways, but I’d have to accept that they genuinely believe that. What then is you open up conversations? You may find there are other things and sometimes you’d have to come back to it. It’s just an accepted part of, of who they were. I’m hesitating because I know they’ll be paid you’re right. We shouldn’t be frightened to have the conversations, but in the same breath, how do I feel when people say is being trans real? I’m getting the same tension. If somebody, if it’s okay for me to debate asexuality, then why is it not okay to debate, you know, transgender? So, yeah, I’m hesitant because I know inside how I feel about this. And I’ve got to believe that it’s, it’s okay for the—I did just want to touch on one other thing here though, pansexuality, and there’s a confusion, but you know, pansexuality is actually falling in love with the person, really. I think. Surely there’s going to be a lot of people out there screaming it’s much more than that. And I’m sure it is, but something I’ve been observing. Cause you know, I’m not a big researcher, but something I’ve been observing is we did the, you know, the love stories thing on the Twitter and the responses we’ve gotten and the blog that we followed up with. And one of the things that, that I’ve kind of taken away from that is that there are a lot of relationships, not all, but a lot, do still survive, transition, whether it’s, you know, what was perceived as two lesbians and one of them transitions and is now a guy, you know whether it’s like me and Vicki. You know, we were a cis hat heteronormative couple to the world. But we do survive. And I think there’s something very pure about them relationships that, you know, maybe pansexuality existed, even though we didn’t know that have the words that we did fall in love with the person. For pansexuality, I’ve got to believe it exists because I see it.

Dr Helen Webberley:

Absolutely, absolutely. I think we were taught very early on that sexuality is a binary thing. We’re taught that gender is a binary thing, and we’re learning so much from our youth that we got that completely wrong completely, utterly wrong. You stupid adults, you got it all wrong. And you missed out on so much fun, just talking about the transmasculine people, we haven’t really touched on them. We’ve got a question talking about testosterone causing clitoral growth, and the fact that the clitoris, this is actually really sensitive. If it comes out of the hood to the piece of skin, the foreskin that covers the clitoris—if the clitoris emerges from that because it’s grown because of testosterone. It can be very, very sensitive and unusually so. But you know, it’s kind of the opposite of having something that’s not sensitive enough, isn’t it, you know, you may make the most of it and enjoy it and get, you know, your body’s going to change a lot as you transition. The hormones have a big effect on your body and your body’s gonna change a lot. And I feel sad knowing that sometimes, you know, even testosterone is not going to make that clitoris as big as an average penis, it’s just not going to, but does it matter? And I think what that is, it’s managing expectations is something, something I feel really strongly about in sex. And if your body hasn’t quite given you what you were hoping for, then use other things. And, you know, we talked on the website and the blogs about sex toy use. Sex toys are a massive industry. There’s a lot. And there’s a lot of choices out there for enhancing your sex life with lubricants and toys of all different shapes and sizes and formations. And I think, I’m hoping that our youth are going to grow up much less scared of going to a shop and saying, this is the kind of thing I was hoping for. Have you got anything that might work for me? And I just really hope that the shops that are selling this stop being those closed-door shops that with the shutters down, and they show this there’s such a beautiful variety of lumpy things to try so that when you get home tonight, you are going to love, love, love it.

Marianne Oakes:

I think that you know, the overarching thing here is sex isn’t just about penetrative sex. It’s about enjoyment. It’s about intimacy. It’s about closeness. It’s closeness with one’s own body as well. That, you know, we shouldn’t limit ourselves by trying to fit an unrealistic expectation that because I’m a woman now that this is what sex means to me. Because I’m a mum now that, you know, we shouldn’t limit ourselves with that. We’ve come so far. I love what you just said though, down to the youth, isn’t it? Where we’ve got, you know, hopefully having a conversation, people of our generation, Helen, I’m really passing the mantle now, and you know, hope for the younger people, less nervous about talking about sex and, and being less nervous about exploring because even dating is differently now different now, isn’t it, than in our day?

Dr Helen Webberley:

Absolutely, absolutely. Well, I’ve really enjoyed talking to Marianne, always about sex. I hope that we’re not too old people coming across talking about how it was in our day, but what we do hope is that this opens up the discussion. It’s so important to talk. Talk to your partner, talk to your friend, talk to your—ask your therapist, ask your doctor, ask us on the website. We will answer anything we can answer. We will always have an opinion or signpost to where we think someone else might be able to help you. But really, really, really, I can’t say enough that your brain is the biggest sexual organ. And by talking about what’s in your brain will make what goes in the bedroom happier. Marianne?

Marianne Oakes:

You know, it’s good to talk. And from what you’re saying, that I hadn’t thought about, how to say the brain is the biggest sex organ and talking will stimulate it. So not talking about sex, you know, could be holding you back. So talk, talk.

Dr Helen Webberley:

Talk with your tongue, with your mouth, talk with your fingers, whichever. There we go. Lovely to talk to you, Marianne, and I hope that’s been helpful.

 

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