How to be Good… and Mad

HOW TO BE GOOD...AND MAD!
Ephesians 4:26-27 • FCBC • 6/25/23
Intro: We live in a polarized world. Put a Democrat and a
Republican together and you’ll likely see an argument or a fight.
Post anything remotely controversial on Facebook and you’ll
probably get called a name or have your motives impugned. Even
in your car you’d better buckle up because if you go any distance
with any traffic there’s a better than even chance someone may
anger you or you may anger them. We’re fast losing civility in our
civilization. And it gives all of us a great opportunity to grow and
highlight the transformation God is working in us. And in fact, if
anyone ought to be distinctive in their attitudes, reactions and
behavior, it ought to be people who say they know the Living and
gracious God. We should think differently, and see things
differently, and behave differently, than if we had never put our
lives and futures in Jesus’ hands. Remember the [insight] about
those who know God? “You are not the person you once were, so you
must no longer live as you once lived.” Salvation isn’t merely adding
something new to your old life, but becoming someone new,
replacing an old life with a new one.
•So, precisely what should change in my life? Paul doesn’t leave
anything to the imagination: he points out five critical exchanges.
Last week we were first challenged to replace all forms of lying &
deception w/truth. (So how did Truth Week go? Catch yourself in
any lies? I hope we all have a stronger hold on the truth as a result
of Truth Week.)
•This week we’re about to hear a second challenge: When God
wants to expose areas that distinguish our new lives in Christ from
how we once acted/reacted, He also points to our temper, and
commands that we replace sinful with righteous anger: NB:
(4:26-27). “Be angry and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down
on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.”
•“Wait a minute! Are you saying I can be angry? I thought Bible taught
us NOT to be angry at all? Isn’t anger a sin?” This is one of the more
misunderstood & mishandled areas of our lives—how we think
about and deal with our anger. So:
I. [WHAT IS ANGER?]
[A. It is an internal emotion:] Websters: “a strong feeling of
annoyance, displeasure or hostility.” Want a clearer picture?
OT/Hebrew word for anger literally means, “to get red in the face”
or “to see nostrils flare”. It’s an accurate picture because
physiologically, when we become angry, adrenalin pumps into our
bloodstream (we feel a rush); our blood pressure rises & our pulse
accelerates; our pupils dilate & our muscles tense. It happens
whether we like it or not/whether we want it to or not. It’s an
emotion. We feel angry. How we respond may also be seen as anger:
[B. It is an external reaction] We respond in anger—and here is
where we can have some control over our anger—in its expression.
“But I can’t help it–when I get mad, I react.” Really? Have you ever
been mad and the phone rings, and you answer it and say sweetly,
“Hello?” Apparently, you do have some control.
• The OT Hebrew language doesn’t distinguish between kinds of
anger—good and bad; just pictures it. But the NT Greek language
is far more specific; it IDs 3 kinds of anger:
II. [WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?]
[A. There is a slow–burning anger]: (vs. 26a) (“anger”/orgh) the
most common term for anger can be described as getting hot under
collar, we set our jaw, our eyes ablaze, fuming. Interestingly, it can
describe both sinful OR righteous anger. But it’s not the only kind:
[B. There is a seething anger]: (vs. 26b) (parorgismoß) This is the
deep-seated, unforgiving, unrelenting resentment. It is anger that
has been nursed, fueled, and coddled over a period of time. It’s
always sinful.
[C. There is an explosive anger]: Never used of the righteous
human anger. You’ve known people with hair-trigger temper. Like
Mt. St Helens erupting, or a bomb exploding—you blow up. If you
were in terrible 2s, we’d call it temper tantrum. It’s translated in vs.
31 as “wrath” (ESV) or “rage” (NIV). So:
III. [IS ANGER ALWAYS WRONG?] Not at all. God created you
with the capacity to get mad. It’s as legitimate as your capacity to
laugh/cry. Need to ask yourself, “Is anger an emotion designed by
God, or it is a sinful short-circuit in our emotional system?
Check out:
[A. A Few Examples:]
[1. God does get angry] [Exodus 34:6-7/x] (repeated 9x). God
doesn’t anger quickly, but in time, if a matter is not resolved, his
anger can be great as Moses predicts: [Deut. 29:28/x]! The Bible
never blushes to portray God’s anger; but his anger is not the result
of his being touchy or bad tempered; it is the expression of his
holiness and righteousness, and directed toward evil in his creation:
[Rom. 1:18] God is angry with anyone who suppresses the truth
about Himself. [God] does get angry. But what about Jesus?
[2. Jesus became angry], even though never sinned! He was
angry at people who sold the right to worship [Jn 2:13-16]. Yet he
was never explosive nor out of control. NB it took him a while to
make the whip of cords. Not an emotional, spontaneous outburst,
but a controlled, careful and determined response to a situation. He
was angry at men in the synagogue [Mk 3:1, 5]: they were using a
handicapped man as bait to catch Jesus! [x] And what about us?
[3. Believers should get angry!] Bible never forbids anger, just
qualifies it. NB vs. 26: “Be angry and do not sin” — it is assuming
you will and even should get angry at times. Anger not always
wrong, like lying or casual sex; rather, it depends upon why you’re
angry, & how you respond when you are angry. EG David: [Ps.
119:53/x] In face of blatant evil, we should be indignant rather than
tolerant; angry, not apathetic. What other reaction can wickedness
be expected to provoke in those who love God? [Beecher/x]
So how do I know if my anger is right or wrong?
[B. A CLOSE COMPARISON]: [Chart: Sinful vs. Righteous Anger]
•Anger is sinful when it’s [selfish]: when our desires, our
needs, ambitions are frustrated; when our demands not met, our
expectations not realized, our well-being threatened, our selfesteem questioned, when we’re embarrassed, inconvenienced. (e.g
“you’re in my way, bothering me, hurt me...); but it’s all about me.
That anger is sinful, defensive, full of pride, resentful of what
happened to you. But righteous anger is [unselfish]: Can be angry
in behalf of God: angry at unbelief, at dishonoring God, at warping
the truth, or hurting others.
•Anger is sinful when it [controls us]; it causes us to say/do
things to hurt another. Looking back on our anger, we realize had
we been in control, we never would have said/done that! You had
a bad day, kids getting wild, bills thick and wallet thin; and you
explode at the person you love most/closest to. If you lose control,
it’s not righteous. But righteous anger is always [controlled]; it
never short-circuits a person’s thinking or blinds a person to the
truth; it never makes a person do what God would never want him
to do.
•Anger is sinful when it seeks [revenge], when it breeds
malice, resentment. Righteous anger seeks [resolution]. Righteous
anger vanishes when a person really repents; or when justice is
done. You don’t make a person pay at your hands to your
satisfaction. It has limits how long it lasts.
[C. A Key Insight]: (Pr. 22:24-25) [Anger is a learned response]
Which means, however you learned to be angry, you can unlearn
it. What you have seen modeled/been exposed to is probably what
you’ve picked up. With God’s help, you can learn the respond
better, differently! So:
IV. [HOW CAN I HANDLE MY ANGER?] How can I be good & mad
at the same time? 2 unbiblical, unhealthy ways of dealing with our anger:
[A. Don’t:]
[1. Blow up] (Prov. 29:11/x): Slow down! Don’tlet loose. When
you blow up, it’s usually destructive. The energy of your emotions
is released not toward the problem, but toward another person. The
classic example is in sports—e.g. hockey fights, baseball umps &
managers. Some psychologists have advocated unrestrained
expression of anger; they encourage angry person to fully ventilate
the anger against a punching bag, or a pillow, or golf ball. Not wise
because you’re cultivating a learned response. What you may be
doing is encouraging a spirit of murder in your heart; all you need
now is an opportunity. Not to mention that merely expressing
anger doesn’t get rid of it; in fact, anger breeds anger (Pr. 29:22)—
apparently not only in you, but in others around you; angry people
make people angry. AND it clouds your judgment, making you less
able to respond clearly, thoughtfully. You’re increasingly enslaved
to your own responses. (So don’t blow up. On the other hand, you don’t
want to just:)
[2. Clam up]: We clam up for a couple of reasons: We may be
trying to:
1) deny our anger. When I see anger, I point it out (“you seem
angry”). Common response: “NOT angry. I’m concerned, I’m hurt,
I’m upset, I’m disappointed.” Uh huh (you’re angry!) Even those
who come to admit their anger sometimes try to do 2nd thing:
2) we may try to suppress our anger. We bottle it up (“keep a lid on
it”) You let it simmerinside. When clam up, like a can of pop shaken
up–when opened, spews out all over. People become angry, bottle
it up, then go home and yell at kids, or snarl at wife, snap at others.
Makes person irritable, sullen, tense, miserable, even depressed.
Best way to ensure that when you do get angry, it will be a blow up.
•EG: Boy Scouts/snow camp. Tenderfoot dropped can of corn into
fire. Wearing poncho, sat on log shivering, waiting for dinner. I
heard “shotgun” blast,ran over to noise; found blackened pit where
once was fire, kid on his back, dazed, and splattered with million
niblets of corn. Toss the can of your anger on the fire, & when it
blows, it won’t be pretty. So what’s the alternative?
B. [Do:]
[1. Face it.] (vs. 26): “Be angry.” Don’t deny it. Admit you’re
angry and accept full responsibility for it. Not “you make me
angry!” Just say, “I am feeling angry when you said/did that.” No
blaming, no sarcasm or put downs; just the honest statement of fact.
Me: “Honey, I’m feeling angry & touchy right now. Not even sure
why. I don’t like it when I feel like this, but I am. Amazing how
quickly anger is diffused when you admit it.
[2. Evaluate it.] “...do not sin.” Idea isn’t to count to ten before
getting angry; if you have to do that, probably already are angry!
Now you’re simply deciding if and how you’ll express it! Instead,
think. Are you certain you know the facts? Some people get angry
over a perceived but unreal situation (Prov. 18:17/x). Getting the
whole story might change your feelings. Then, consider your
motives. Righteous anger rarely spontaneous: requires you to
examine the cause before choosing to express it. What has set you
off? Is it selfish or is it something that hurts you because it hurts
God? Make certain anger isn’t from injured pride, malice, revenge,
resentment, self-righteousness. Need to know if it’s right or wrong
so you can deal appropriately with it. May help to take time out or
do something physical. Anger releases all kinds of adrenalin in
bloodstream, so good walk may be effective in reducing the initial
tension of anger. Yet if problem isn’t dealt with, only temporary.
More you think about it, it may increasing the churning inside. But
whatever you do, ponder, & evaluate before speak! James’ advice
is very good: [James 1:19-20] Anger may be short-circuiting your
ability to hear what God is telling you; and even if you are angry
over something legitimate, you still have to ponder your response,
because simply being angry isn’t enough. Just being angry won’t
accomplish what God desires. Have to do something more. {Then]
[3. Deal with it]: vs. 27: “Do not let the sun go down on your
anger.” Don’t let it fester. Don’t nurse it. It’s never safe to let it
smolder. No anger (righteous or otherwise) must be allowed to
continue. Deal with it, ASAP. The limit is one day. Terminal point
is bedtime. The same day you get angry is the day you deal with it.
The sun which rises to mark a new day must not be a witness to
yesterday’s outburst. Left-over anger sours in a person. (So I should
deal with my anger. Precisely how do you suggest I do that?)
•[You can overlook the offense] (Pr. 12:16, 19:11/x) Just drop
the matter. Not man’s glory to win, but to overlook an offense!
•[You can short-circuit the anger:] [Pr. 15:1, 18/x] You shortcircuit anger through a gentle answer or through patiently trying to
understand. The other person may be well-intentioned, or
spoke/acted out of mood, or was completely oblivious to the fact he
hurt you.
•At the theater, we were watching a particularly tense movie, when
the guy in front of me turned around and said, “If you touch the
back of my chair again, I’ll take you out and kick your behind.” (But
he didn’t say, “behind.”) Shocked, my immediate response
was...like to see you try it, bub. Instead, I took a breath, realized I
might in fact have been kicking his chair (& who likes that?); so I
leaned over to his side and whispered, “I’m really sorry. I didn’t
even know I was doing it. I’ll be more careful.” After the movie we
all stood, he turned to me, apologized, embarrassed, and told me
he had had a very bad day. Then he asked me, “What do you do for a
living?” (*!)
•[You can confess it to another.] One of the very dark
memories I can’t forget is when my daughter was trying to help her
frustrated father with his computer, and he got angry, snapped and
said something brutally unkind to her. She quietly left, teary.
Somebody once pointed out, “Temper is what gets us into trouble;
Pride is what keeps us there.” I instantly knew I had stepped in it,
and knew what I needed to do. I went down to her room. I felt like
I had lead feet & a swollen tongue, but when I began to apologize,
the anger evaporated. God says there is one way you can be sure to
always have the last word when you’re angry: Just say, “I’m sorry.
I was wrong. Will you forgive me?”
•[You can confront the underlying problem.] (Prov. 24:26/x)
Express your wishes openly. What do I want? Do I want to be
treated right? Or shown respect? or loved? Or to be listened to? Say
it plainly. “Sweetheart, I would like you to turn the TV off and talk
with me about your day...throw your own clothes into the dirty
hamper...kiss me and take a few minutes for me as soon as you get
home... (Many wives furiously writing...) Jimmy, when you use my
coffee cup for your earthworm collection, I really have tough time
drinking out of it. How about if we get a jar for you to use?” You
may be tired, troubled, or worried; need to pray.
•(Wait! What if I can’t resolve everything quickly? What if the person
isn’t sorry, or won’t reconcile, or situation is beyond my reach? Do I have
to forgive and forget before sundown? No. Lifeisn’t a half-hoursitcom that
resolves neatly from episode to episode. But God forbids your angers to
continue...So—)
[4. Let go of it]: “...give no opportunity to the devil.” (4:27)
•Negatively: Anger can give Satan an opportunity—lit. a foothold
in your life. Don’t help him by staying angry. If we follow these
instructions, Satan would have no room to maneuver, no way to
leverage our anger against us. Satan knows there is a fine line
between righteous & unrighteous anger. Knows we have difficulty
finding that line, and do poor job of responsibly handling anger for
very long. What might start off as righteous anger may quickly
degenerate into unrighteous resentment, or self-righteous pride. (If
I keep it, Satan uses it; but how do I let it go, to whom?
•Positively: [Rom. 12:18-19/x] Entrust to God your hurt. Let Him
be the Judge. He’s a whole lot smarter, wiser, righteous. What if you
don’t? Cherish and coddle your anger and it will someday consume
you [Buechner].
Concl: 2300 years ago, Aristotle rightly observed, [quote/x] But the
Master clearly points the way (4:26-27).
“Be angry and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your
anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.”