Everybody Hates Rand: A Wheel of Time Podcast
319 episodes - English - Latest episode: 17 days ago - ★★★★ - 127 ratingsJust two hyper-critical English majors talking some pretty big game about The Wheel of Time. Co-hosts Emily and Sally gather around their kitchen table each week to serve you up a full fantasy feast of oft-misremembered summary, hot analysis, scraps of literary theory, and a whole lot of hating Rand.
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Episodes
Episode 282: R.I.P. Talmanes (PSYCH!)
April 08, 2024 12:00 - 56 minutes - 42.9 MBWe're off to a pretty slow start with ch. 1–2. We get more of Rand's Weird Era, not to mention his Deadbeat Dad Era (the cat's in the cradle ...), plus the Arousal/Anger Constant, Black Tower Propaganda, Androl Is Bella Swan, and a whole lot of Genre Confusion.
Episode 281: R.I.P. Darrell K. Sweet
April 01, 2024 12:00 - 57 minutes - 42.5 MBWe read the prologue (yes, the entire prologue) of AMoL and talk about pacing and heroism, plus Sally's Psychic Powers, Rand's Tibetan Sky Burial, New Sword Move: Piss Your Pants, the Sequel to "The Village," and the Myrddraal Breakroom. Transcript
Episode 280: Don't You Want to Rescue Me?
March 19, 2024 00:29 - 46 minutes - 34.3 MBWe finish up ToM with celebrations of Gawyn's Puka Shell Necklace, Pevara's Hut, the Tower of Ghenjei Locksmith, Graendal's Turbo Hell, and Olver's Mail Fraud, while condemning how ultimately pointless Moiraine's "death" was.
Episode 279: A Creepily Slow Rendition of "Bad Romance"
March 11, 2024 12:00 - 49 minutes - 36.5 MBWelcome to the Tower of Ghenjei! Is that David Bowie? For ch. 53–55, we talk about the Need to Be Told "No," Gay Old Dens, Helm's Deep Recruitment, the Finn Serving You-Know-What, Dune Box Mist, and Melodramatic Screaming. Transcript
Episode 278: The 9/11 Episode of "Bones"
March 04, 2024 13:00 - 46 minutes - 35.1 MBFor ch. 50–52, we talk about Elayne's Bobby Fischer Political Move, her Pet Frenchmen, Libel/Slander Against Lews Therin, the Little Sun Tzu in Emily's Brain, Uber Driver Perrin, and B. Sanderson's Inversion of Terry Pratchett's "Boots Theory."
Episode 277: Babies Channeling
February 26, 2024 13:00 - 40 minutes - 30.3 MBYou know, like balefire, from their eyeballs? Like laser vision? Anyway. For ch. 48–49 we discuss how Everything is the Aiel's Fault, Rand's Mega Sperm, Asmodean Moiraine, and the Cowboy Lightbringers. Transcript
Episode 276: Hashtag Love Wins
February 19, 2024 13:00 - 44 minutes - 32.8 MBCh. 45–47 are great for representation: representation of insufferable politicians (Elayne), men who wear unnecessary disguises (Galad), "cool" nerds (Androl), men who hate the club (Perrin), and people who should just be murdered (Mazrim Taim, Tuon). Transcript
Episode 275: King Virgin and Queen Slut
February 12, 2024 13:00 - 38 minutes - 28.4 MBWho wants to bet on whether this title ends up censored? For ch. 42–44, we talk about Feelings Impermanence, Marriage Bumpers, Prince Loser, the New Kardashians, and Failed Nostalgia. Transcript
Episode 274: Perrin's Feelings Exhibition
February 05, 2024 13:00 - 44 minutes - 33.1 MBDespite the title, ch. 39–41 are action-packed (though sadly there is no battlefield kissing). Discussion includes: We Need More Explosions, Getting Right with God, IKEA Pack-It-Up Forges, Galad's Deprogramming, and Who Is Nakomi Plaza? Transcript
Episode 273: The First Canine Fridging
January 29, 2024 13:00 - 49 minutes - 38.3 MBRIP to a (arguably the only) real one. For ch. 36–38, we talk about how Perrin Is a Mary Sue; we accompany Egg to a Work Meeting; someone floats on the ceiling Mary Winchester-Style; and we discuss the fantasy Ethics of Killing. Transcript
Episode 272: Perrin's Ted Bundy Strategy
January 15, 2024 13:00 - 39 minutes - 29.6 MBThis isn't the trial of the century, the year, or even the minute, but it's a trial. For ch. 34–35, we talk about Dannil the Danimal, Mr. Integrity, "Bad Apple" Byar, the False Good/Evil Dichotomy, and ask: Where Are the Lawyers?
Episode 271: The Most Man
January 08, 2024 13:00 - 44 minutes - 33.3 MBDiscussion topics for ch. 31–33 include: Chekhov's Abyss, Final Girl Ituralde, Respawning Trollocs, the Dragon Reborn's Walk with Christ, Our Favorite Monarch, and Gawyn and Elayne's Folgers Commercial (you know the one). Transcript
Episode 270: Get in the Purple Zone
January 01, 2024 13:45 - 38 minutes - 28.2 MBWelcome to 2024! For ch. 28–30, we're talking about Big Boy Vitamins, how Telepathy Is the Obvious Answer, Rhyming Perrin, Letting Galad Be a Side Character, and the Most Bizarre Scene of All Time. Also, are Grady and Neald, like, SO hot now? Transcript
Episode 269: There's Always a Jack the Ripper
December 11, 2023 13:00 - 47 minutes - 35.1 MBCh. 25–27 are disappointing to say the least. First, Rand faces no consequences for his crimes, but don't worry; according to Min, he's done nothing wrong. Then Perrin has the same epiphany for the 98th time. Berelain's boobs corrupt Galad. And the Hall of the Tower, as usual, is swooning. Transcript
Episode 268: Defund Paw Patrol
December 04, 2023 13:00 - 43 minutes - 32.6 MBYou want to know about ch. 22–24, you say? Well, they're all about Sally's Exploding Bones, Good Old Chub, Chance Boy Himself, Weird Uncle Mat, and Hysteria in Tel'aran'rhiod. Also: What About the Sheep? Transcript
Episode 267: Mom Said It's My Turn at the Front of the Phalanx
November 27, 2023 13:00 - 49 minutes - 36.8 MBThere's a lot to discuss in ch. 20–21, including Vagina Mirrors, Ethics Boards, the Slippery Slope of Magic Nukes, how Single Women Are an Invasive Species, and, hey, Whoa, Balwer Isn't Just a Secretary? Transcript
Episode 266: The Elayne/Farquaad Similarities
November 20, 2023 13:00 - 41 minutes - 30.1 MB"Some of you may die, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make." Ch. 17–19 get us talking about Code Brando, Berelain Said Boobily, Something That Is Nothing, OUR Amyrlin Seat, and Brandon Sanderson's straight guy heroism. Transcript
Episode 265: Näeff
November 13, 2023 14:00 - 47 minutes - 33.6 MBFor ch. 14–16, we talk about Three Girlbosses and their Psychological Warfare, Flat Characters, Black Tower Volleyball, the Horror Story that is Rand's Brain, Forsaken Trading Cards, and Anything for Hubby. Transcript
Episode 264: This Is My Fight Song
November 06, 2023 13:00 - 40 minutes - 30.6 MBCh. 11–13 are short, but we find a way to work in all the following discussion topics: Magicians, how Elayne's Pregnancy Was Written by Men, Rand's Jesus Robe, Appropriate Public vs. Private Behavior, Darkfriend Vision, and Min's Birdbrain. Transcript
Episode 263: I Love My Ugly Son
October 30, 2023 14:27 - 43 minutes - 32.9 MBFor ch. 7–10, we talk about Lan's Minion, Buford; Neald's Queer-Coded Joie de Vivre; and Grady's Denied Time Off Request; and we bid farewell to a real one, Lopin. Also, welcome to Sedona, Arizona. Transcript
Episode 262: Go to Therapy, Mr. Stag
October 23, 2023 12:00 - 43 minutes - 32.5 MBFor ch. 4–6, we have problems with fictional men, including Gawyn's Incel Behavior and reboot of CSI: Tar Valon; Galad's KKK Era; and Perrin's Leadership Hypocrisy. We also have problems with the real men doing construction outside our house: apologies for the noise! Transcript
Episode 261: TikTok Empath Energy
October 16, 2023 12:00 - 50 minutes - 38.5 MBIn ch. 1–3, Rand enters his Wellness Influencer era. We also talk about getting Bubbled of Eviled, Perrin's Pointless Crossroads (a recurring theme), Torture Junior's Throuple, and Double Shielding. Transcript
Episode 260: Hello, Heretic
October 09, 2023 12:00 - 47 minutes - 35.7 MBWelcome to Towers of Midnight! Don't worry, Emily references the Da Vinci Code for the second week in a row. We talk about the cover and prologue, including how Mat Has Never Held a Bag Before, Lan Rhymes with "Man," There's Warging Now??, and Toilet Spoon. Transcript
Episode 259: He Doesn't Even Climb the Mountain
September 18, 2023 12:00 - 46 minutes - 34.6 MBWe finish The Gathering Storm by talking about Rand stumbling his way through enlightenment. We discuss how Everyone Is Happy Under Fascism, the Most Fridged Woman Ever (Ilyena), Privileged Enlightenment, and how you should just Watch the Da Vinci Code. Transcript
Episode 258: Callandor Turns Into a Gun, Actually
September 11, 2023 12:00 - 37 minutes - 28.5 MBHere's how Callandor can still win. For ch. 47–48, we talk about Guarding Empty Rooms and Empty Tables, Verbally Hugging, Self-Contained Enlightenment, and the dream scenario in which Mat Is Empress. Transcript
Episode 257: Five Guys Beheadings and Fries
August 28, 2023 12:00 - 41 minutes - 30.6 MBIn ch. 45–46, Egg consolidates power in the White Tower, and we talk about the important things: Monsieur Michelin, the Bloodest Reddest Gown, Only Boobs Allowed, the White Cavern, and our Patented Easiest Way to Get Babes. Transcript
Episode 256: Get Squashed, Idiot
August 21, 2023 12:00 - 38 minutes - 28.1 MBThe tagline for ch. 43–44 should be: Pwease, No Bombs. We also talk about Gawyn's Imagined Chivalric Romance, Sittergate, Hurin's Cameo Appearance, Rand's Box Obsession, and Tam's Two (2) Parenting Failures. Transcript
Episode 255: Timothee Chalamet Vaping in the Vatican
August 14, 2023 12:00 - 42 minutes - 32.2 MBWhat if the young pope was younger? For ch. 41–42, we ask this vital question and discuss these topics: Charlz and Chubain OTP, Gawyn Winning the Partnership, Dubcon Romance Tropes, and the Return of the King. Transcript
Episode 254: Still Got Two Wives
August 07, 2023 12:00 - 38 minutes - 28.8 MBWith ch. 39–40, we talk about Verin's "galactic"-level slay (or is it?), the most compelling Warder (Tomas), Egwene's virgin procession, and Siuan and Gareth's terminal heterosexuality. Plus, what if Elayne was a secret Darkfriend? Transcript
Episode 253: The Dragon Reborn's Court Jester
July 31, 2023 12:00 - 46 minutes - 34.6 MBFor ch. 37–38, we, ahem, define crimes against humanity. We also talk about Sammael's Cube Con 2000, EnlightenmentGate, how Needing Therapy Doesn't Make Up for the Atrocities, and Rand's Legal Abyss. Transcript
Episode 252: Will Poulter
July 24, 2023 12:00 - 41 minutes - 31.2 MBFor ch. 35–36, we talk about (really): Appropriate Wonka Sociopathy, Gender Reveal Magic, how Icarus Got Stabbed by Padan Fain, Bad Dramatic Irony, and Losing Trickster Points. Transcript
Episode 251: You'll Never Guess What Was at the Mattress Supply Store
July 10, 2023 12:00 - 46 minutes - 34.6 MBReally, you won't. For ch. 32–34, we talk about Improving Nynaeve, Making Excuses for Rand, Consequence-Free Tyranny, Redemption Arcs, and Star Wars Spoilers. Transcript
Episode 250: Comrade Titties
July 03, 2023 12:00 - 46 minutes - 34.6 MBYou shouldn't trust the ho's in ch. 29–30, which is ... every woman. We talk about Our Bestie, Colonialism; Rand's Dead Fish Eyes; Titty Redistribution; Not-Chili's; and the Nuclear Fanny Pack, and we Send in the Clowns. Transcript
Episode 249: On This Episode of Supernatural ...
June 26, 2023 12:00 - 41 minutes - 31.1 MBOkay, okay, it's actually ch. 27–28 of the Gathering Storm. We talk about Busty Beauties, the Romantic Poets, Repeat Plots, Wescuing Women, and the various Flavors of Misogynist Humor. Transcript
Episode 248: Alpha-Core Gawyn
June 19, 2023 12:00 - 43 minutes - 32.8 MBIn ch. 24–26, Gawyn is here to teach these betas a lesson about MANHOOD. Too bad Gareth Bryne won't spank him. We also talk about the Shape of Bubbles, Vegan Aes Sedai, and Chivalric Knights, and ask: Where Is All the Multicultural Curiosity? Transcript
Episode 247: The Hardboy Scale
June 12, 2023 12:00 - 42 minutes - 31.7 MBCh. 22–23 are all about Rand's feelings, because men's feelings are WAY more important than women's. We talk about how He Needs to Be Harder, Daddy; Egregious Deus Ex Machina, the Scientific Method, and give a Shoutout to Martha. Transcript
Episode 246: Goat Girl Summer
June 05, 2023 12:00 - 43 minutes - 32.6 MBWell, well, if it isn't the infamous "women are like goats" speech. For ch. 20–21, we'll talk about goat pride; the difference between tricksters, fools, and comic relief; and the world's weirdest to-do list. Transcript
Episode 245: Lying Greg
May 15, 2023 12:30 - 37 minutes - 28.2 MBFor ch. 17–19, we talk about the Plot Twist of the Century, how Siuan Is an Army Wife, the Cult Besties, Gambit from X-Men's Appearance, Court Jester Mat, and the Pariah Parade. Transcript
Episode 244: Elon or Ellen
May 08, 2023 14:00 - 35 minutes - 26 MBThere's an unbelievable amount of stupidity in ch. 15–16, and it's not just us mispronouncing Moridin's real name. We also talk about Balefire Life Hacks, Katerine's Evil Laugh, and Laras's Underground Railroad. Transcript
Episode 243: Sleete Watch 2023
May 01, 2023 12:00 - 43 minutes - 32.2 MBIn our discussion of ch. 12–14, we talk about the (Nonexistent) Peer-Reviewed Forkroot Study, Seeing the Blueprint, Gawyn's Purity Ring, how Cadsuane Has the Nuclear Launch Codes, and Elaida Unshived. Transcript
Episode 242: Banner v. No Banner: Dawn of Justice
April 24, 2023 12:00 - 43 minutes - 32.9 MBFor ch. 9–11, we talk about Grady's One-Punch Kill, Matching Form and Content, Enjoying the Mat Pedestal While We Still Can, Tylee's Motorola Razor, Ituralde's Character Assassination, and Brian?? Transcript
Episode 241: Five Generals' Group Chat
April 17, 2023 12:00 - 43 minutes - 31.5 MBPedron Niall is left on read, obviously. For ch. 6–8, we ask: Why So Insular? and discuss Lanfear's Best Disguise, Two Short Kings, Beloved Point of View Characters, and the Introverted Route. Transcript
Episode 240: Javert Era, or Javerta
April 10, 2023 12:00 - 42 minutes - 31.5 MBFor ch. 3–5, we talk about Eating Tums Like Candy, White Man Names, this brand new thing (Character Arcs), the Final Evolution of Girlboss, Brandon Sanderson's Blorbo, and a potential Asha'man PR Campaign. Transcript
Episode 239: No More Situations, Please
April 03, 2023 12:00 - 43 minutes - 32.3 MBIn chapters 1–2, we take a close look at the Brobert Janderson style and talk about Increased Mediation, the Perfect Wifey, Two Ways to Get a Doctorate, and how Women Be Crying. Transcript
Episode 238: Robert Jordan's School of Fantasy Naming Conventions
March 27, 2023 12:40 - 45 minutes - 34 MBWelcome to the dawn of Brando Sando! After reading this blissfully short prologue, we discuss Aviendha's Six Pounds of Mascara, Rand's Jeans, the Seanchan Political Spectrum, a Trolloc Reminder, and Zaddy Ituralde. Transcript
Episode 237: Great at the Military
March 13, 2023 12:00 - 41 minutes - 30.9 MBWe finish our coverage of Knife of Dreams with discussion of '07 Throwbacks, how Gremlin Vibes Are Sexy, Fainting Goats, Embodied Empire, Red Flag City, and Narrative Delaying Tactics. On to the Era of Branderson! Transcript
Episode 236: DOUG
March 06, 2023 13:00 - 40 minutes - 29.7 MBIn ch. 33–35, we take another stop on Robert Jordan's Gratification Ferris Wheel. We also talk about Torture Politics, how Sammael Was SUCH a Loser, Diplomatic Train Wrecks, and how the Seanchan are Absolutely Besieged. Transcript
Episode 235: Who Needs Therapy? Have a Sword
February 27, 2023 13:00 - 37 minutes - 28.7 MBThere are lots of bad decisions in ch. 31–32, including, possibly, our choice to read them. We discuss Climax Squared, Worldbuilding Gymnastics, and Carrie Bradshaw Armor and ask: Is This Your Card? Transcript
Episode 234: Hammers Build Homes
February 20, 2023 20:30 - 46 minutes - 35.4 MBWe're finally at Malden, but the downward spiral continues. For ch. 28–30, we talk about a Loony Tunes Trap, Perrin's Mass Execution Plan, "Romantic" Persistence, a Marriage of Equals, and Your Friendly Neighborhood Fascist. Transcript
Episode 233: Pony Elevator
February 13, 2023 13:00 - 43 minutes - 32.2 MBCh. 26–27 are all over the place, but we managed to nerd out about crossbow cranks, then talk about Defamiliarization, Disney Villain Coding, Grady's Smoke Brake, and Semirhage's Peer-Reviewed Diagnosis. Transcript 233