Dull Crayons
62 episodes - English - Latest episode: about 4 years ago - ★★★★★ - 10 ratingsColoring over the line since 1987
One part Majority Report, two parts Uhh Yeah Dude, a couple ounces of bourbon, two dashes of Bodega Boys, and a splash of Chapo Traphouse. Stir it all up and drink it after-hours in a classroom while watching a dark comedy on your smart board and you’ve got Dull Crayons, the podcast for teachers, parents, and students* who want the real skinny on education and the crap-tastic nature of the world around them.
*Contains explicit material not suitable for young listeners.
Keep Dull, Carry Snacks
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Episodes
Going Live Rant
April 12, 2020 18:56 - 4 minutes - 6.28 MBLost most of the audio, so enjoy this clip
Maternity Leave Rant
April 12, 2020 18:56 - 5 minutes - 7.56 MBLost most of the audio, so enjoy this clip
51: Lost Tapes Pt. 2, Lightning Round
March 27, 2020 15:39 - 1 hour - 204 MBPre-Virus recording from October 2019. Gabriel and Diana run through +10 ed stories in an hour and half. Also, Diana reports on VIPKids. And as always, snacks.
Gabriel Dreams of Duffy
October 14, 2019 16:15 - 1 hour - 152 MBA new studio and new recording device combined to nearly destroy my fragile mind when half this episode was lost and the other half made almost unusable because of ambient noise. All that said, if you make it through the first 15 minutes, this becomes one of our most poignant discussions and the funniest D Report.
49: The Lost Tapes: I Wipe My Own A$&
August 30, 2019 21:54 - 1 hour - 119 MB49: The Lost Tapes: I Wipe My Own A$& by Z to A Productions
Homeschool is Where the Heart Is
August 04, 2019 16:23 - 16 minutes - 23 MBOn this episode of Homeschool is Where the Heart Is, we invite a fellow holler homeschooler in to discuss the importance of safety, purity, and faith in our practices.
Bernie Begs You to VOTE NOW
April 26, 2019 18:36 - 1 minute - 1.94 MB[email protected] patreon.com/dullcrayons
47: Oh FUDGE, BRACKET BUSTED
April 24, 2019 20:48 - 33 minutes - 45.5 MB**Email your vote for the winning snack at [email protected]** Another solo night of snacks, drinks, and cursing the name of Misguided-Michelle Rhee, Scott hit-him-with-a-Walker, Busted Betsy and DATA. Fuck ‘em all. And a big double bird to Pearson, Heinemann and the Gates’. (The rant gets strongest past the 25 minute mark) Plus, Gabriel’s patented 3-Step model to fixing all education. GROWTH VERSUS PROFICIENCY
Vote for Diablo
April 21, 2019 19:27 - 1 minute - 2.08 MBAn impassioned plea for you to vote Diablo Doritos at [email protected]
45: Last Chance CWACKER QWADRANT
April 21, 2019 18:56 - 1 hour - 108 MB**Email your vote for the winning snack at [email protected]** Tony from the Bronx joins Gabriel for the vaunted cracker quadrant, where first ever snack bracket winner, Fig and Honey Triscuit, emerged from just a year ago today. Also in the ep: the broad graveyard of podcasts, porn in the classroom, and bye bye to Last Chance U. GROWTH VERSUS PROFICIENCY
46: BROKEN BRACKET: The PepsiQuadrant
April 08, 2019 19:41 - 1 hour - 90.8 MBSorry Dullards, I lost my audio track for the first half of the ep, so it does give the impression I recorded my lines underwater. But at least mother of the pod, Ellen, and father of the pod, David, come across crystal clear in their first bracket. Doritos, Cheetos, and Play; it’s a goddamn ASMR masterpiece. And listen to Will’s Band of the Week http://www.willsband.net/
44: OREO BRACKET
March 31, 2019 16:20 - 1 hour - 86 MB44: SNACK BRACKET 2019 - Oreos Oreos and Disney, what more can you ask for? And for more Disney, head over to our friends at The Disfunctional Podcast with RJ and Adam. https://soundcloud.com/thedpodcast/093-dianas-disney-story
CBS SNACKET Teaser
March 18, 2019 00:10 - 1 minute - 1.64 MBCBS SNACKET Teaser by Z to A Productions
43: WeGrow, WeWork, WeDie
March 16, 2019 21:14 - 52 minutes - 72.2 MBDiana and Gabriel check back in on the flight path of the WeGrow school (and no, they are not yet in their complete nose-dive, they are still arcing towards the sun, much like a young Icarus). Plus, the In-names for kids this season, an inside look at charters in New York, and a SNACK BRACKET PREVIEW!!!
Episode 42: The Definitive Story of the Student Loan Debt Crisis
March 03, 2019 20:41 - 1 hour - 162 MB***Emergency Declaration is now in effect*** Yes, this is it; this is what we have been building and working towards for months; it’s al coming to fruition now. You will now experience, over the course of the next two hours, the abject horror that is the student loan debt crisis. From its humble beginnings in the 80’s and 90’s, to its growth spurt during the Great Recession, to its civilization ending proportions today, this is the full and unabridged story. In addition to explaining the p...
Episode 41: Plummeting Wages and Bridges feat. Willy on the Car Phone
February 18, 2019 21:04 - 57 minutes - 79.3 MBIn our most important episode yet, Willy and Gabriel discuss the staggering wage gap for teachers around the country. (Tears are shed, personal finances are shared, pregnant pauses abound, and at one point Gabe gets so frustrated he drops the dreaded R-word… it’s worth listening for that alone.) Also, our first ever LIVE call-in show!!! Write us a review on iTunes, contact us at [email protected] Support us on Patreon: patreon.com/dullcrayons Follow #dullcrayons Keep Dull and Carry Sn...
Episode 40: The RIPPY'S, 2018 Pt. 2
January 26, 2019 21:32 - 1 hour - 89.2 MBLike the movie It Follows, we have all been followed into the new year by demons: some dressed as people, others taking the incorporeal form of ideas. On this episode, Gabriel and Tony work to exorcise the demons of 2018 to purify the new year. These include Fortnite dancing, Betty Bitchface Devo, and the hideousness of the five-day work week. Once again, the views held on this show do not reflect those of the presenters. This show is and always has been a scripted play, written and produce...
Feeling Kinda Whiskey: Prove It!
January 21, 2019 16:08 - 10 minutes - 14.7 MBWild Buffalo Bill puts Sweet Mary Jane's whiskey tasting skills to the test in yet another game of his own making.
Episode 39: The First Annual RIPPY'S, 2018 Pt. 1
January 20, 2019 22:10 - 58 minutes - 80.2 MBGabriel and Tony from the Bronx lay a bouquet at the grave of 2018 in this In Memorium episode. Featured on Pt. 1, the actual deaths of 2018, including: Koko, Toys’r’Us, Audrey Geisel, Steven Hillenburger, and more. Join us in Pt. 2 for the ghosts of 2018 that are still haunting our 2019. Write us a review on iTunes, contact us at [email protected] Support us on Patreon: patreon.com/dullcrayons Follow #dullcrayons Keep Dull and Carry Snacks
Episode 38: A Very Dull Xmas
December 24, 2018 15:35 - 2 hours - 174 MBIn the first ever Dull Holiday Spectacular, Dazzling Diana and the Kindergarten Khan sail the Strait of Messina between over-celebrating and under-celebrating in schools, deftly navigate the often ridiculous school traditions that accompany the holidays, and declare clear and decided victory in the War on Christmas. Write us a review on iTunes, contact us at [email protected] Support us on Patreon: patreon.com/dullcrayons Follow #dullcrayons Keep Dull and Carry Snacks
Episode 37: Maths, the Universe and Ethics ft. Eric Danger
December 02, 2018 22:42 - 1 hour - 138 MBHappy Holiday’s from the Dullest. We bring you warm tidings and discussions of farts, maths, and the immorality of our newest co-host, Eric Danger--brought to you by Subaru. Also, fake news and fake approaches to combat it, the truth is not true, and when is zero actually fifty. Write us a review on iTunes, contact us at [email protected] Support us on Patreon: patreon.com/dullcrayons Follow #dullcrayons Keep Dull and Carry Snacks
Episode 36: And the pulitzer goes to... ft. No One
November 22, 2018 18:10 - 48 minutes - 66.6 MBGabriel goes solo for the first time to bring you the dullest episode yet, just in time for everyone’s favorite federal holiday: Fight Your Family Day! In this episode: Bill Gates talks shit, the scouts go to war, Heathers takes a Plan-B, and homeschool moms bitch about missing book club. It’s a shit-ton o’ fun. Write us a review on iTunes, contact us at [email protected] Support us on Patreon: patreon.com/dullcrayons Follow #dullcrayons Keep Dull and Carry Snacks
Episode 35B: Mickey's 90th Birthday
November 04, 2018 20:01 - 1 hour - 105 MBGabriel is scammed into a ‘gram museum and explains his stingy rules of IG etiquitte; Diana give us the hard, girthy D and travel tips. Also, are you a helicopter, tiger, elephant, free-range, or lawn-mower parent? And are these things any more real than your zodiac sign? Write us a review on iTunes, contact us at [email protected] Support us on Patreon: patreon.com/dullcrayons Follow #dullcrayons Keep Dull and Carry Snacks
Episode 35A: Rockstar Teachers Rat on their Kids
November 03, 2018 19:50 - 48 minutes - 66.8 MBEpisode 35A: Rockstar Teachers Rat on their Kids Stuff you shouldn’t say to your kid's teacher, Steeped-in-glue Miller eats his boogers, and Gabriel and Diana geek out really hard post snack report. Write us a review on iTunes, contact us at [email protected] Support us on Patreon: patreon.com/dullcrayons Follow #dullcrayons Keep Dull and Carry Snacks
Episode 34: Education Nazis ft. Molin
October 20, 2018 19:47 - 1 hour - 149 MBGabriel goes on a rant about Montessori being education Nazis as Molin gets booted from preschool; Molin takes us through the verses of the Doritos Bible while Gabriel drinks benadryl. Plus a gosh and fetch update from Molin, a look inside Germany’s education system and the notion of openly tracking students, and shouts out to Kate Wagner and Mcmansion Hell. You’re doing it big, Kate! http://mcmansionhell.com/ https://www.vox.com/first-person/2018/8/6/17654434/betsy-devos-yacht-mcmansion-...
Episode 33: Defunct, Defunded, and Dispicable ft. Abba
October 08, 2018 17:07 - 1 hour - 119 MBAn August ep posted in October. Please forgive us if you missed the Creed Bratton bobblehead at the Cyclones game. They're available for resale starting at $35.00. #minorleague #alldressed #texassucks #IDEA #minorityreport
Episode 32: Resume-Makers and Risk-Takers ft. M.O.P.
September 15, 2018 21:36 - 59 minutes - 82.2 MBEpisode 32: Resumes and Risk-Takers Polish up your resumes folks: we’ve got some jobs you’ll want to apply for (+ $900,000 and benfits). Plus we’ve got back to school shopping lists, M.O.P tries on sarcasm for the first time, and Gabriel and Ellen get really impassioned about mental health education—during which Gabriel spontaneously/bashfully opens up about his own history with mental illness—to be discussed further in future episodes All that, and a friend of the show, Tom Kelly, pay rep...
Episode 31: The Depraved and the Deprived ft. David from the Bunker
September 10, 2018 17:36 - 1 hour - 90.1 MB***Visit our brand new Patreon page at patreon.com/dullcrayons*** Detroit's in shambles, an army of homeschooled youth is training for the coming religious/race war in their basements, and whisky prices in New York have reached critical mass. All that and more when father of the pod joins us in the bunker. Write us a review on iTunes, contact us at [email protected] Support us on Patreon: patreon.com/dullcrayons Follow #dullcrayons Keep Dull, Carry Snacks
Episode 30: Live from the Bunker ft. M.O.P. (mother of the pod)
September 03, 2018 20:37 - 1 hour - 108 MB***Visit our brand new Patreon page at patreon.com/dullcrayons*** It’s back to school time! And what better way to get into the right mindset than to take a trip back to Gabriel’s own kindergarten experiences with mother of the pod, Ellen. But before that, the two must address the decadence of Drake’s celebrity whiskey, the many plights of Colorado public schools, “best friends,” and the vaunted Wonderlic. All that and more on this jam-packed ep!!! Write us a review on iTunes, contact us ...
Episode 29: History of Disney Pt. 3 ft. Aerosmith
August 22, 2018 20:54 - 1 hour - 116 MB***Visit our brand new Patreon page at patreon.com/dullcrayons*** MoviePass, PRIDE, and of course another history lesson for Gabriel on the topic of Disney. Prepare for this to be your favorite Dazzling Diana ep yet. Write us a review on iTunes, contact us at [email protected] Support us on Patreon: patreon.com/dullcrayons Follow #dullcrayons Keep Dull, Carry Snacks
Episode 28: 50 Ways to Bore Your Preschooler to Death
August 16, 2018 15:04 - 1 hour - 96.9 MB***Visit our brand new Patreon page at patreon.com/dullcrayons*** This week we take apart Book Riot's 50 Must Read Preschool Books with the expert help of Dazzling Diana, who also give us the 3 Must-Haves of all Great Podcasts (hint: The Dull ones are killing all three in a big way). But seriously people, a top 50 list and no Kevin Henkes, no Margaret Wise Brown, and not one Gerald and Piggy?! The madness has to stop. Write us a review on iTunes, contact us at [email protected] Suppor...
Episode 27: Heroes and Villains
August 07, 2018 00:28 - 1 hour - 92.4 MB***Visit our brand new Patreon page at patreon.com/dullcrayons*** The boys are in seriously dull form this week as we discuss current heroes and villains of education today, such as LeBron James, Betsy DeVos, and the guy who stole all the McDonald's Monopoly money (spoiler alert, he's the G.O.A.T) Write us a review on iTunes, contact us at [email protected] Support us on Patreon: patreon.com/dullcrayons IG: archzuger Keep Dull, Carry Snacks
Episode 26: The Starbucks Spelling Tea and Racial Sensitivity
July 18, 2018 11:39 - 1 hour - 85.4 MBThis week, Gabriel and BX Tony review their time spent at the Starbucks racial sensitivity training. Following that, they have some fun with winning words of the national spelling bee and prove once and for all what a 27 Wonderic scorer is truly capable of--like ending a sentence with a preposition. Write us a review on iTunes, contact us at [email protected], and follow us at twitter.com/DullCrayons www.facebook.com/dullcrayons IG: archzuger Keep Dull, Carry Snacks
Episode 25: P is for Pardon
July 10, 2018 11:11 - 1 hour - 88.5 MBSincerest apologies, loyal listeners. Turns out changing studios is a much more arduous process than initially anticipated. But rest easy, for we bring you another banger this week. BX Tony joins again to discuss teachers and staffers getting in trouble in the news and to play our newest game: Two Truths and a Rye™ As always, write in at [email protected] Follow us @dullcrayons on Twitter and Facebook @archzuger on IG
Episode 24: "Brieing" and the Nightmare-Fuel of "Jumanji" ft. Mommy Dearest
June 10, 2018 16:41 - 57 minutes - 78.5 MBThis week we are joined by none other than Mother of the Pod, Ellen, to discuss the never ending nightmare that is Jumanji, candy with a kick, and Ellen's deep rooted passion for all things action figure (admit it mom, you wanted to buy the toys as much as I wanted to have them). Write us a review on iTunes, contact us at [email protected], and follow us at twitter.com/DullCrayons www.facebook.com/dullcrayons IG: archzuger Keep Dull, Carry Snacks
Episdoe 23: 113 Colleges and Not a Drop to Drink
June 09, 2018 17:54 - 51 minutes - 70.2 MBThis week, mommy and daddy argue about the levels, the college application process, and put down the Triscuit brand for their unevenness. But at least there's one thing we can all agree on: Jenni White should get her head out of her ass. Write us a review on iTunes, contact us at [email protected], and follow us at twitter.com/DullCrayons https://www.facebook.com/dullcrayons IG: archzuger Keep Dull, Carry Snacks
Bonus Minisode: Dullards ❤️ Mo
May 28, 2018 22:16 - 10 minutes - 15 MBGabriel and Diana geek out over acclaimed children's author, Mo Willems--though not without a hot take or two. (Come on, you know you've thought about it too)
Episode 22: History of Disney Pt. 2 ft. Carmen Sandiego
May 28, 2018 19:23 - 1 hour - 85 MBWe are once again joined by Dirty Diana, who gives us another lesson on the secret history of Disney, addresses the incipient Carmen Sandiego wildfire, and explains why Mark Summers and Double Dare may just be what the world needs now. Smash that like button, subscribe on your grandparents devices, write in to us at [email protected], and follow archzuger on instagram
Episode 21: Lady Snacks ft. Indra Nooyi
May 20, 2018 17:55 - 1 hour - 92.6 MBReigning Champ and Fruit Fly of the Pod, Dazzling Diana, in studio this week discussing how to be suspended from teaching for yawning, sneezing, and other non-protected bodily functions. Also, we have TOP SECRET information regarding the development of the long awaited Lady Snacks from PepsiCo, straight from out Deep Throat correspondent, Indra Nooyi. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/02/06/business/lady-doritos-indra-nooyi.html Smash that like button, subscribe on your grandparents devices, wr...
Episode 20: Dull Boys Do TFA (Time For Ads)
May 06, 2018 16:56 - 1 hour - 110 MBJoined by Willy on the Car Phone, we discuss his extensive history in the field of education, and get updated on the wave of teacher strikes and walk-outs happening around the country--all of which are sincerely supported by the pod. Solidarity! Then we go deep on 90's commercials that have taken up space in our brains that would otherwise have gone to cherished memories and first loves. But it's okay, cause what's more important is that we know every word to the Bagel Bites jingle.
And Introducing... Willy on the Car Phone
May 01, 2018 00:30 - 17 minutes - 24.5 MBPlease enjoy this bonus segment with our newest co-host: Willy on the Car Phone.
Episode 19: TSS (ToyS'r'uS Shock Syndrome) ft. Morgan Freeman
April 28, 2018 19:24 - 1 hour - 104 MBEveryone at the Mendelsohn Studios has been rocked by the not so sudden death of Toys-backwards-r-us, and we felt we needed to process our stunned grief on the air. Also, Morgan Freeman stops by the studio to plug his pick for snack of the year, and the Dull Boys talk Magic the Gathering, Tower Records, and other things that have fallen from this mortal coil. You too can vote for your pick, Smartfood White Cheddar Popcorn or, Mr. Freeman's favorite, Fig and Honey Triscuit by writing your vo...
Episode 18: The Lama, the Justice and the Housewife Walk into a Preschool...
April 12, 2018 18:22 - 53 minutes - 73.4 MBThis week, BX Tony and Gabriel discuss what it takes to get your kid into the top preschools in New York (HINT: a letter of reference from Jesus would be just a good start). Then they take a trip into the world of conferences and translate some commonly used language by the professionals. Parents will not want to miss out on these insider tips of the trade. And of course remember to vote for your snack of the year at [email protected] . Winner to be announced on a future episode. Loser...
Episode 17: Corn Quad and THE SNACKENING
April 04, 2018 21:11 - 54 minutes - 74.9 MBWhoever wins, we all win. ***Send your votes for the final winner into [email protected] Keep Dull, Carry Snacks
Episode 16: History of Disney Pt. 1
March 21, 2018 16:36 - 1 hour - 107 MBA continuation of her first recording, Dazzling Diana takes us on an EPCOT-like ride through the world of Disney. A tour of the parks around the globe, a run down of acronyms, but mostly this is a discussion of why we all hate Frozen - deservedly, of course - and the many failures of Disney. Also, join the Dull Crayons Challenge: steal a Maui costume! Write us a review, contact us at [email protected], and follow us at twitter.com/DullCrayons https://www.facebook.com/dullcrayons/ Keep...
Episode 15: THE SNACK BRACKET - Sweet City
March 17, 2018 20:34 - 1 hour - 99.7 MBThose of you who have yet to be bracket busted, be warned: these snacks are pushing the Dull Boys to their breaking point and nothing will ever be the same. Rules will be broken, decisions will be contested, chaos will reign and hilarity will ensue. Also, Dazzling Diana joins the show to blow NYC Teaching Fellows out of the water, address making friends at grad-school (Spoiler Alert: that’t not a thing), and signs a verbal contract to organize all of Gabriel’s classrooms every September — y...
Episode 14: THE SNACK BRACKET - Chip Challenge Accepted
March 10, 2018 22:56 - 1 hour - 117 MBIn our continuing coverage of the highly anticipated March Snackness, the Dull Boys dissect the world of chips. From potato to tortilla to taki, chip has long been a favored snack among Americans. We’ll find out who is doing the most in this contentious quadrant. Also, Julian and Gabriel take a hard look at the banned book list and find out what's really at the heart of American censorship (HINT: it's not what you expect).
Episode 13: THE SNACK BRACKET - Cracker Quadrant
March 04, 2018 20:29 - 1 hour - 94.8 MBIn the A and C blocks, that's right, live coverage of the 2018 Snack Bracket. Who will emerge from the Cracker Quadrant and go onto the final four??? And in the B block, Julian and Gabriel share a heart to heart about the awful power of nicknames. Contact us at [email protected], and follow us @dullcrayons and facebook.com/dullcrayons Keep Dull, Carry Snacks
Episode 12: Live from Sing-Sing
February 23, 2018 02:41 - 1 hour - 89.8 MBThe moon is made of cheese, teachers hate cell phones, and "Billy-Madisoning" is now a verb. Also, the FINAL PREVIEW OF THE SNACK BRACKET. Plus, the guys patent Kool-est Ranch tortilla chips. "Mr. Madison, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no ...
BONUS: Welcome to the Gun Show!
February 23, 2018 01:20 - 1 hour - 105 MBBONUS: Welcome to the Gun Show BX Tony drops by to talk lockdown drills, safety protocols, and creative solutions to school shootings. Gabriel manages to make it through the ep without cursing and screaming the whole time, so that's a win; and if you make it through the first half there is lightness on the other side. "But what of the courage to stand in a room of little kids knowing all that is keeping you safe is a bookshelf and a reading table? In your heart a hope that our leaders will...