Episode 17: Marriage, Open Relationships, & Making Your Own Rules

This week on the podcast, Tracey and Cayly are revisiting the topic of relationships and diving into some potentially uncomfortable territory to talk about the possibility of creating rules in your relationship that fall outside the box of societal expectations.

Whoa.

The question we’re addressing throughout the entirety of the conversation is this:

What happens when you get curious about the kind of relationship you really want and make space for the idea that the answer might be unconventional?

Getting in touch with your desires and designing a relationship with your partner — or multiple partners — that takes all of those desires into account can be a scary but ultimately liberating process. In today’s episode, Tracey and Cayly discuss the ways in which this process might unfold over time and offer advice about how to initiate a dialogue with your partner that might be challenging and bring with it a ton of discomfort for both of you.

We’re also talking about how we define a successful relationship and exploring the ways in which our culture often gets this definition wrong.

This conversation is SO GOOD, y’all. Seriously. And there are SO MANY amazing resources offered up — all of which are provided with links in the show notes below.

As always, sharing is caring, so please forward this episode to a friend who might also benefit from the information. Or, you know, share it with your partner and use our conversation as a jumping off point for your own.

And, finally, please head over to the show page on iTunes and leave us a 5-star rating. It’s super easy and we would be ever so grateful if you would do us this small favor and help more folks find the podcast. Much love and many thanks!

Highlights from this weeks’ episode include:

- The importance of having clearly defined boundaries and expectations in a relationship

- What happened when Cayly realized she doesn’t want to get married and her unconventional proposal to her boyfriend

- Tracey’s experience of getting married in her 20s, divorced in her 30s, and how she feels about marriage now

- How the idea of intertwining finances with another person played into Cayly’s feelings about marriage

- Can you renegotiate the rules of a relationship repeatedly over the years? What does that look like?

- The process of deciding to open a relationship as the individuals in that relationship evolve and change

- Jealousy and navigating this within an intimate partnership

- Infidelity and why people cheat

- Why it is important to have hard, uncomfortable conversations in intimate partnerships

- Is there ever a time for not being 100% honest in a relationship?

- Evolutionary biology and the science of love and relationships

- Intimate Relationship as a Spiritual Crucible by John Welwood (https://www.scienceandnonduality.com/intimate-relationship-as-a-spiritual-crucible/)

- How do we define a successful relationship?

- Dan Savage (http://www.thestranger.com/authors/259/dan-savage) and the Savage Lovecast (http://www.savagelovecast.com)

- How the ending of a relationship can be both sad and transformative

- Painful experiences are not necessarily “bad”

- Practicing investment without attachment in relationships

- Erich Fromm and The Art of Loving (https://www.amazon.com/Art-Loving-Erich-Fromm/dp/0061129739)

- How do we define love?

- Making space for both people in a relationship to change, grow, and become different versions of themselves

- The Ethical Slut:  A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, & Other Adventures by Janet W. Hardy (https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379)

- Opening Up:  A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino (https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X)

- Passionate Marriage:  Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnarch (https://www.amazon.com/Passionate-Marriage-Intimacy-Committed-Relationships/dp/0393334279)

- Esther Perel (http://www.estherperel.com) on Tim Ferriss’s podcast (http://tim.blog/2017/05/21/esther-perel/)

- Esther Perel on TED:  Keeping desire alive (https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship) and Rethinking infidelity (https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved)

- John Gottmann and The Gottmann Institute (https://www.gottman.com)

- And more!